DatDudeJR's Blog

Hi Jr,

 

Firstly, I don't think a blog is really the best place for this. The Lyric forum is where you will get a lot more responses.

 

I don't know how much you know about songwriting but there is a lot here that doesn't conform to any established guidelines on form or structure let alone lots of other things.

 

Now I don't want to sound dismissive of your efforts, but I recommend the first thing you do is read every article you can when you click the Articles and Reviews button at the bottom of the page.

 

Now some basics on structure:

 

You want us your reviewers to clearly see what is a verse, and what is a chorus. If we can't clearly see what is going on, it's harder to make sense of, and harder to provide a meaningful review. Lyrics are not poetry, and although they combine some of the tools of poetry, they are much easier to read with left alignment.

 

Clearly label your verse and your chorus and your bridge if you have one.

 

Your title is way too long. It's even too long for a cheesy country song. I'd suggest "Mean To Me", as that will be easier to remember, and takes some explaining. Others may suggest something different.

 

Lyrics work best when there is a clear hook. A hook is a device that is repeated, and sticks in the head of the listener, and helps them to remember the song long after they've heard it. Solid examples include "I can't get no satisfaction" and "Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart" and even "Oops! I've done it again!" Despite what you think of those songs, I'm sure the hooks are familiar.

 

What you have done well, mostly, is stick to a recognisable rhyme scheme. AABB for the most part.

 

Your rhymes are, again mostly, perfect rhymes such as air/hair or red/bed and while they work, they can be cheesy, boring and sound forced, even when they aren't. An example where you have used an imperfect rhyme is listen/reminiscin'. Similar, but not exact. These imperfect rhymes will make your lyric seem more sophisticated. You don't have to use them every time, but a little more would break the monotony of the perfect rhymes.

 

The other thing for you to work on, is to have your verses balanced with each other. One way is to make sure you have the same number of stressed syllables in respective lines of different verses.

 

I don't want you to think I'm saying what you have done is crap. Mainly it isn't working because the basics aren't covered properly. However the good news is all this can be learned. It's a craft rather than a talent. We are all learning the craft here, some of us are simply in different stages.

 

After reading the articles below, I suggest you also take a look through my Kelisms blog, http://forums.songstuff.com/blog/181-kelisms/ which presents a lot of the same information in a less technical way. I can't remember technical terms to save my life so I rarely use them. I suggest you start at the first one and work your way through. They aren't long and address many aspects of the craft, as I think of them. And there will be more to come.

 

Don't give up, and don't try to cram it all in at once.

 

Cheers,

Kel

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/blog/181-kelisms/

Hi, this is my first time to click the blogs tab (there's a song in there "Blog Tab Virgin" lol.

I was surprised to find lyrics here, I was curious to see what people are blogging. 

 

Anyway, I'm glad I stopped by, I like and agree with the advice Kel has given.  Learned a lot. 

 

If you post your lyric in the right forum, you may get further helpful critique from others as I have. 

 

I don't know how long you have been a member, but it took me a few human error computer mishaps before I found my way around here. 

 

I joined in mid July and have learned so much from others on this site.  I feel now that some of my postings I may be going back to edit, or trash.  I posted one today was more of a memory than song lyric.  told the whole story, which I'm sure reads more like a half baked poem story.  Not everyone hears the same music.  I have country in my head, that doesn't always come off  on paper.  Todays posting about MG, though I wanted it to be more soulful slow tempo at times with sax and horns I have no idea how to get it from here to there.   

 

I don't know about you, but for me I find not being a musician has it's draw backs when I'm writing lyrics.  Sometimes I have a melody as I write.  Other times it's just words that are somewhat poetically written.  I keep editing until I find something in it that might work as a song.  Post it and see what happens,  You may be surprised.   

 

I have had a lot of really helpful ways to improve them, from a platform so vast.  There are so many excellent writers here who, if you're open to and not afraid of honest critics, you will gain so much.

 

I have the time now to see what I can do with the great advice I've been given for each posting, make the changes and go from there.  

 

I'll be doing more research on song structure as well.  Didn't know what the difference was between a chorus or bridge, didn't know their function or where to use them. 

 

Don't be afraid to lose some words or change them.  Heck I've thrown out entire verses.

 

 

keep writing, I did enjoy

 

JDH just don't hurry

 

Jan

 

Ps I never throw out completely what I cut, I'll save it not for a rainy day, but for those dry periods.

Your lyrics are honest and I feel where you're coming from. I agree with the others on this point, make it clear what are the verses, chorus and if bridge if there is one. Listen to songs that move you and make notes on changes in tempo, verses etc. You're off to a great start, just remember that song writing is a process. It's not like writing in a journal where there's no need for rhyming or story telling. Keep it up and don't get discouraged. Tryng to write words that explain an emotion is not easy. Be a student of this art and you'll see your own growth as a song writer. I've been writing for over 20 years and I'm still learning. Good luck to you!