McnaughtonPark

Here is another version. I tried to accomodate all of your ideas, but let me know if I missed something, or if the words aren't working. Burnt I imagine every time you are silent You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend Somehow if I ask the questions You'll break down Time was We were happy All our cares Overlapping But I was led by desire You held me to the fire Now I’m burnt I’m burnt I was led to the edge You drove the final wedge Now I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still bleeding me I imagined you and I were made of The finest kind of steel that never bends Somehow in a heated moment I melt down Time was We were splendid Our good nights Never ended But I was led by desire You held me to the fire And I was burnt I’m burnt I was led to the edge You drove the final wedge Now I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still bleeding me You say that he was meaningless I say I must mean even less You still want the love that we’re in Babe, you’re not the one that’s burnin’ But I was led by desire You held me to the fire now I'm burnt I’m burnt I was led to the edge You drove the final wedge Now I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still bleeding me

50/50 is fine with me, I like your perspective on the subject as well. Happy about this as well, those words woke me up at 4:30am. Knew I'd have to write it down, fed the cat, drank too much coffee, you know the drill. I added the last three lines to go along with what you were singing. Must have not heard that part right. Sounded to me like you were looking for something more to sing. Does the I'm burnt just repeat at the end then? How about I answer the rest with another re-write. I can't wait to hear the rest of the melody, I like what you have so far.

I always get caught up in the writing and forget the contract part of the deal. Since this has all been public so far, what do you say we agree to terms. I usually do the lyrics, but in this case, I'd say we co-wrote the lyrics and each have a share in them. The melody and arrangement are yours as far as I know.

And I didn't see your next post for a few hours. I kept going along the same lines, adjusting some after reading your post. I'm thinking still, but here is a possibility. I'm thinking the middle 8, or bridge, is where the truth about what happened to break down the relationship comes in, then back to the chorus. So the first verse, and second verse could be flipped and you'd have a decent progression of events, or left as is you'd have V1. there's something wrong. V2. it used to be better. M8 this is what happened. Burnt I imagine every time you are silent You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend Somehow if I ask the questions You'll break down Time was We were happening Lust and love Overlapping But I was led by desire You held me to the fire And I was burnt I’m burnt I was led to the fire Love held me with desire But I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still needing me I imagined you and I were made of The finest kind of steel that never bends Somehow in a fiery moment We melt down Time was We were happy Black and white, Good and bad days But I was led by desire You held me to the fire And I was burnt I’m burnt I was led to the fire Love held me with desire But I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still needing me you say that he was meaningless I say I must mean even less You still want the love that we’re in Babe, you’re not the one who’s burnin' I was led by desire You held me to the fire And I was burnt I’m burnt I was led to the fire Love held me with desire But I’m burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still needing me

ok, that works. Seems to work with the first pre-chorus pretty well. I don't see any of the verses working with it, but I do see the chorus working really well, I like the melody.

Another re-write, this one to your melody. This is all I have gone over so far. http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13524799/Burnt.wav Burning I imagine every time you are silent You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend Somehow if I ask the questions You'll break down Time was We were happening Lust and love Overlapping But I was led by desire Life held me to the fire And I was burned Im burning I was led by the fire Love held me with desire But Im burned Im burning Wounded, youre leaving While Im still Still needing you

Well, I like the "I'm burnt, I'm burning." I have been thinking for three days on how to reword the chorus. I've been going over it trying to figure out what is burning. I don't want to say my heart is burning, or my love is burning, or my soul is burning...actually never want to hear those words in another song for as long as I live. No other body part seems to fit, and I'm going into the aspects of friendship to see what could burn there. Right now my mind is burning, in Japan the world is burning, all the while time is burning away....something has to burn here. Rhymes - burn turn learn yearn we're in - ok, that's different enough for me to go with, not perfect, but usable and creative and not overused, brings up.... to learn in - whatever... Ok, I'm getting scatter brained. And I'm on the computer which isn't a ver good place for being creative....

OK, I didn't really have time to write a proper response yesterday because I was on my phone, not a computer, and I hate tapping little squares with my thumbs. As far as the challenge goes. Great idea. It helped inspire me to write. There was a reason, a guideline, I knew the expectation. There was an audience, clearly defined, to write in the direction of. I knew who's ear was hopefully going to relate to the lyric of the song. And, when writing, I was challenged by the fact that others were going to be submitting their work to be judged against mine, which always makes me try, maybe not succeed, but try anyway to up the level of the phrasing, the creativity of the ideas and chosen words. So yes, the challenge format worked for me. And this is where some discussion may prove more beneficial for future endeavors. Perhaps not everyone feels their work benefits from that. Perhaps there is a better way to present it. Maybe it isn't a challenge. Maybe it's a play-day. Maybe others would rather have a musician just read through all their lyrics and pick something that sticks out to them. I don't know, maybe nobody saw the thread. I did. The point is, I'm sure Jam Time thought he was reaching out in his way to work with someone to achieve a goal. Nothing at all wrong with that, and that point isn't in contention. Jam's response to the lack of interest is at issue. It sounded to me like he was frustrated because he expected more than he got. Understandable really given the effort he put into setting up the challenge. Go back and read the initial post, it's defined really well, he did put thought into his idea but with that much initial effort, I'm afraid he may have included some unspoken expectations. One of which was that there were going to be at least a few responses, certainly more than one. But one was all he got, and that surprised him, and me. It takes time to do this. It takes effort. There is the hope, and that is all there is really, just the hope that maybe this is the way to further your craft, maybe this will work...so we write. Well, I should say, so I write. But it's not just the writing. I listen, I read, I sing, I get seen singing while walking and driving and I think they must think I'm crazy. And crazy may not be a bad word for it. But none the less, I can't blame someone else when my expectations are not met. Even when I have given so much. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the Song Stuff board isn't the place to find people who are willing to create music. Just the place where those who are seeking that come from many different places, and have many different expectations, and styles. Hey, I listened and tried. More than that, I understand what it means to have a dream. I know frustration and have had my share of challenges, but I grow with them. I guess when I saw the word challenge, it caught my eye, it raised my pulse, just the idea of getting down and getting it on sharpened my pencil. I don't gamble, I don't expect something for nothing. I am willing to participate in my search for getting what I've come to know as "my little hobby" to grow. This particular post interested me. I do not understand, because I just can't, it isn't me, but I don't understand those who avoid challenge. I'm not saying anything against anyone who didn't respond, merely stating that a challenge to me is something that absolutely must be attempted when there is a goal in common with my own best interest. In this case, to hear my silent lyrics sung. On this board, in this setting, in the changing world of music, there is no reason not to try. every bit of help a lyricist could possibly want is here for the taking, not just the asking. It's not the critiques nor the posting of endless reams of words, but the opportunity to achieve your goals can be found here, and here is where I am and plan to stay. Hopefully soon, my words will be put to a Katy Perry or Kelly CLarkson style of song. All the best intentions, Tom

Have to agree with that too. But........if all I'm doing is writing lyrics, I better be willing to challenge myself. Pop, rock, whatever......

I was a little shocked with the lack of responses myself. Here was the opportunity for lyric only members to hear their words put to music and none participated.

AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!! I think we can work the lyrics into that melody. I like the rewrite you did so far. Tom

With your permission, the rewriting didn't stop. Here is the lyric now. Time Was (V1) I imagine every time you are silent You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend That somehow if I ask a million questions You'll break down, but you never bend (bridge) Time was We were happy with our lives Time was It was always on our side (chorus) But we got burned by desire Life held us to the fire And we just kept on making this What time was (V2) Well the worlds the only thing that ever broke down Forgotten wounds time was going to mend Im sorry I never say how sorry I really am Looking back, I could have been a better friend (bridge) Time was We were all each other had Time was Black and white, good and bad (chorus) But we got burned by desire Life held us to the fire And we just kept on making this What time was (Middle Time could never love you Though it's always by you're side I want to love you Stand still and love you 'Till the end of time (V3) I could have been a better friend than time was The kind that always has a hand to lend I could listen more, instead I grow impatient And patience is all that time has in the end (bridge) Time was We can make what is, a has been Time was Never come back here again (chorus) I feel a strong desire To light a brand new fire I'd do anything to defend what time was

Although I use scansion techniques, I also blurr the lines. It helps a lot to have a melody already, but unnatural stresses can help to stretch a melody, which is a nice change occasionally. Throw a dog in the middle of a cat fight and they all look around for a second. That itty bitty, notice I didn't say kitty, pause , notice I didn't say paws, catches the ear, makes it stand up and take notice, so the line that comes nest should be worthy of the offense because it's going to get some attention. There are all sorts of tricks I'm finding to accentuate a lyric. Problem is, a lyric alone can not stand without a melody. If you are like me, a melody will developer while reading a lyric. Someone who has used the scansion techniques will be more apt to have a reader relate to the lyric. Harder still is indicating which beat the lyric starts on. I find many of my lyrics are based on; and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and. So if "The world is turning and I am learning" I actually start singing the word "the" very quietly and rushed to get to the stressed "world". In written form it just looks like The world is turning and I am learning. Not much there, very easy to assume it's off the beat. The world is turning and I am learning There is a huge advantage in being a musician. Your natural beat structure of a piece is much more difficult to stray from. It's very natural to write stressed syllables to stressed beats with an existing melody while It's very easy to lose the stressed syllables of words, or bend the meoldy to fit, when it's just in your head. So you scan for strenghts.

You've done well mate.

I found shooting the rubber bands at the neighbors dog a more pleasurable pastime.

There have been a ton of things written about this but Mike brings up a good point, write. Although I disagree with the eraser part, you have to write often. I find that by using all of the senses, it colors images and gives them texture. I assume you want to gain depth in your expression. A lot of times that comes from being able to express your emotions. Don't be afraid of someone seeing you, in fact, try as hard as you can to let them see you. Lyrics are about expression, I think you'll find that others relate better to honest expression. What does a cut feel like? What does a cut feel like after putting salt on it? Avoid cliché. Cliché images lay down like a hound dog on the front porch in the afternoon sun. They tend to say exactly what you want, but nobody hears them because they've heard them all before. Avoid cliché rhymes too. Kiss and this. Yuck!! Spark is they key. It's like hitting a puddle of nitro-methane with a hammer when you get it right. Oh, reading about writing helps too. Read all the lyrics that reach out and grab you when you hear them. You don't have to duplicate what they've written, but it will help you to focus on seeing things differently. Go to the library and check out one book on lyric writing, take it back on time to avoid the fine of course, and check out another. (and take that one back on time too) Writing doesn't always come at me in a flash. Sometimes, seems like most times anymore for me, lyrics are constructed. Some of it is inspiration, some of it is just working trough a lyric sheet of ideas and rhymes. All of it gets edited, hence my dependence on the eraser. Build yourself a list of verbs, nouns, adverbs and adjectives. Big fat lists. Big fat sensual lists dripping with sweet and sour nectar and paint the sky with them. Make marmalade and honey drip from the moon and savor your bittersweet dreams. Most importantly, love expression. Peace MP

Be patient.

I have to agree.

Don't Bogart That Joint - Little Feat (actual lyrics by Lawrence Wagner)

There Once was....ooops! Misty Mountain Hop - Led Zeppelin

Over The Mountain - Ozzy

Snowblind - Styx