TheManInIndiana

I don't think it would go so bad as "We both will wait our whole lives through waiting for that one chance to be with each other, once and for all and in our love we'll never fall." I don't think it would flow so well if I just switched around "together be"

Thank you for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it. Life is unfair and this we know Even through love the truth will show The truth that will show, even through love, was the truth that life is unfair and even when you have found love and you think nothing can bring you down there are still variables all around you, such as distance or other people, that can take the most beautiful thing and make it the worst part of your life. You are right about that "together be, once and for all" line, it does sort of throw you off, I'm going to think of a few possible changes I can make to it and try it out. Its great that it puts the image across, I think that's what makes a poem good. Thank you again for the feedback.

This is the first poem I ever wrote. It is a love poem about the heartbreak of being so in love and yet so far away, I wrote it because it was the position I was in and how I felt about it at the time. Apart Forever As time goes by, we sit and wait Until it's time to meet our fate. By day I mourn, by night you cry Begging for the reason why I'm kept from you, and you from me. The pain we feel is plain to see. We both will wait, our whole lives through Waiting for that one chance to Together be, once and for all And in our love we'll never fall. You here for me, me there for you There's not a thing we wouldn't do To keep each other in our arms Protected from the worldly harms That try to keep us from each other despite our love for one another Life is unfair and this we know Even through love the truth will show And though we wish to be together We'll both be here, apart forever. Our hearts in pain, they only cry And soon with time, we both will die. Leave me some feedback please, good and bad are both appreciated. I want opinions on the flow, the rhymes, the words used, the emotion, and the scheme.

I wrote this a while after I wrote Overdose. Give e the good and the bad. If you haven't read Overdose already I highly recommend you do it first. Post-Overdose He sits by himself, in the corner of the room Tuning out his friends who talk of his doom. He cradles the dead body, of his lost love. He now understands what life is made of. He thinks of the times, that they spent together And now he understands that she's gone forever. He knows he's at fault, he can't deny that. Where her soul resides is where his heart's at. He doesn't want to live, without his one and only. He'd spend the rest of his life depressed and lonely. To go on without her, would be utter pain To go down for this moment would be total shame. He looks for the bottle, with pills made of death He pops off the top there are about thirteen left. He pours them in his hand, and looks at them sadly He wants to just take them he wants to die badly. His friends try to stop him, they know what he'll do But none could understand what he's going through. With pills in his hand, he hears sirens sound He puts them in his mouth and swallows them down. He closes his eyes, and thinks of her voice. He understands now that he had one choice. He made a decision, and he took the dive He died next to her at 10:35 I would definitely appreciate feedback, I want good and bad, be brutally honest please.

Thank you for the feedback, can I ask for a little more detail as to what you didn't like about the rhyme scheme, maybe an area where it was worst and one where it was best? And I was kind of trying to keep it from being personal by just saying he and she, I wasn't trying to tell a story as much as just show people the emotion behind the fact that things can go horribly wrong in these situations. In my area there is a lot of drug use and of course they all just see it as harmless fun, I wanted to drive a feeling in the reader to make them think but if I did the opposite of that by using the perspective that I did then some things need to be rethought. Perhaps I should make mention in the poem of some feelings or past experiences between the she and he so the reader can feel the love between the two, I want people to realize when the end of the poem comes that you can lose someone you love very much. Speaking of which I wanted to ask you what you thought of the ending?

This is nice, good topic, good rhyme, flows nicely. I like it. And I agree, I joined for the lyrics section and found myself loving the poetry section.

Terrific rhyming used here. I think there are a few spots that don't seem to fit with the rest but Other than that bravo, good poem.

I don't love it when I look at it for flow or rhyme but it is very good to put your emotions into poetry. I have to give you credit because my emotional poems suck so I don't ever let them get out. It certainly isn't bad and if you wanted to you could definitely work on it, it isn't far at all from being very good. This poem has potential, keep it up.

Wow man! Bravo. This is a great poem. It has heart, it has terrific flow and as you read you feel the poem. That's what poetry is all about. Poetry isn't about structure or how it looks on paper. It's all good man, and I love the rhyme scheme here. You worked this together very well. Two thumbs up. Oh and I agree, it is a fantastic poem but not song material. I have been wondering about the possibility of getting a bunch of very good poets together to make a book of nothing but very good poems to be published, if you would be interested this would be the type of thing that I would love to see in that book. I look forward to hearing back from you and reading more of your work.

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago. It was INSPIRED BY true events. There is also a follow-up poem to it that I wrote a few months later. "Overdose" They all got together for some illegal fun They’d all do some drugs and just come undone. They met at one’s house and didn’t waste time They bought all the drugs and got set to get high. One was uncertain and definitely scared But even though fearful in the fun she shared. She took a strange pill and then smoked some weed And soon like a vampire she needed to feed. She went to the kitchen to grab a light snack When something went wrong she fell on her back. She lay on the ground seizing and crying But no one had thought that maybe she’s dying. Her boyfriend had noticed she wasn’t ok He ran over to her and beside her he lay. His arms wrapped around her he hoped for the best. He pulled her so tightly up to his chest. They laid there for seconds but seemed like much longer. All of the time his fear had grown stronger. He thought to himself “should I call 911?” But over his love fear had already won. If he called 911 he’d be facing jail So he sat there in silence while her face turned pale. She slowly calmed down her motions were slower. He looked down and saw all the blood below her. Everyone present was frozen in fear Of all of them there only two shed a tear. Her boyfriend was hoping that all would be well But deep down inside I think he could tell. He thought she’d be fine but he wasn’t right She died in his arms at 10:30 at night. Well please critique my poem if you want me to post the follow-up poem, Post-Overdose.

Hey everybody, just wanted to introduce myself. Im a lyricist in search of musicians. I can write lyrics without music which you can then put music to or you can write and play music which i can then very easily put lyrics to. I look forward to any feedback and hope to get some soon.