jamestoffee

Hi Vagda, Both lyrics work well....nice balance of images and description to capture the emotions associated with the seasons. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Butcher, Sorry it's taken a while to get a reply going.....sometimes life has a way of getting in the way. Great writes. You seem very comfortable with using the senses and writing with concrete images. These are really just nitpicks. In fact, without having a listen, I don’t think I’d suggest changing much at all. For "Fall" I'm not sure of the connection with the deer in the first and last verse....at first, the singer likes hunting deer....at the end "sees" a deer....maybe the assumption is that the singer will have a gun, but the line above is referring to joyriding in the jeep instead of hunting. For "Winter" I like the build up to the last line....that one does a good job of expressing the emotion ...wouldn't the days be getting shorter in winter instead of longer?.....then again after reading “Summer†I think you are saying it’s the end of Winter....maybe clarify that For Spring It looks good on the lyrics.....I'm not sure about the labeling verse, chorus, bridge....maybe Section A, B, C.....but without hearing it I couldn't tell....they all seem fairly balanced throughout, so again I don't know where the contrast would come without hearing it. For Summer To clarify the ending of the season..... But now The days are getting shorter and shorter. Again, overall, great job! What music do you hear for these lyrics? Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Goldy, Praying for you. -James

>Sister n wife agree so I can't argue with that, or should I say dare not! Lol. Agreed

>if I work that out would you record it again? I can give it a try....you will have to wait a bit. We are heading out of town for at least 4 or 5 days because of smoke problems in our area. http://bangkok.coconuts.co/2014/03/18/thousands-ordered-evacuate-toxic-smoke-spreads-east-Bangkok The school I teach at and live next door to just cancelled classes for the rest of the week, so we will be leaving for some cleaner air. PS >my misses has just pointed out that I have no reference to what the song is about ie, rescued animals! I can't believe I never thought of it?? In your notes, I was assuming this song would be played with a visual presentation; which would be clear what the song is about.....but no worries if you want to rework it a bit.

Hi Les, Attached is my musical attempt at your lyric. Let me know what you think. -James SongStuff Just Give a Little Love.mp3

Hi John, No worries on the timing Thanks for the listen and post.......and as always for taking the time to set up the challenges -James

Hi Les, Thank you for the listen and feedback Hi Amy, I'm glad you like the collaboration. I sent you a PM to follow-up the conversation. -James

Hi Amy, Here is one attempt...open for changes The mp3 should be attached to this post. I Miss You It was a tough day, one I won’t forget Flew out to Alberta on a great big jet A stream of tears flowed down my cheek The day you died, Dad, July 14 Chorus: I miss you, more than you know I miss you, more than you know I wear a smile trying not let it show But I miss you, more than you know I miss you, more than you know We had the funeral in just seven days Playing trucks and planes, didn't take the pain Dad, I want to make you proud But, Dad, I'm missing you right now chorus If you’re in heaven please know I’m not ready to let you go chorus SongStuff I Miss You.mp3

Hi Amy, Looks very good! Suggestion: This is the one line that doesn't fit the 2nd person POV "July 14th was the day my dad died." maybe It was July 14th, Dad, the day you died >I really wish I had a co-writer for this, it would be cool to post it for him! Any takers? No promises, but I'll see if I can get a melody going on it Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Amy, Thanks for the listen and post James

Hi Les, Thanks for the listen and post. James

Hi Les, Looking good on the read -James

Update: The song was accepted for submission. Here is a link to the story, song and donation: View the song here: http://singmeastory....obbery?song=439

The picture tags are from Blingee, it's free to join and then you can copy them for free. They have thousands of pictures for all kinds of occasions. http://blingee.com/ Thanks for the FYI

Hi Goldy, Good start I like the chords better on v3 & v4 than on v1 & v2 b/c it matches the message better. Suggestions: Consider how this can be more inviting: Gotta love one another That's what the bible commands ...right now it comes off a bit "preachy" or burdensome as a "to do" rather than an opportunity Also, think about going singular; emphasizing one-on-one relationships from sisters and brothers to sister and brother. She's my/our sister; He's my/our brother (I) reach out a hand We love one another It's a new family plan She's my/our sister; He's my/our brother That's what I know Brother, Sister help us Help our family grow I kind of get the idea of the other two characters (Mary & John) added in the song, but just one line might not be enough to connect with emotionally Thanks for including the recording. It really helps flesh out the idea James

Hi Goldy, Thanks for the listen and feedback James P.S. You are very creative with your picture tags. I'll need to learn how to do that someday from you

Hi Amy, Thanks for the confirmation. -James

Hi Amy, I added a v1 to show the "expectations" on her/women during that time period and hinting at her hospitalization from a nervous breakdown. v2 her work v3 her suicide(s) Hi Goldy, Thanks for the second listen and feedback....and especially for the initial honest critique James

>I actually am reading his book right now. That's great. He can explain the pros and cons much better than I can >I am working on the metaphors and trying not to use the same worn out phrases and clichés now. Another great book on metaphors worth checking out is Metaphors We Live By by Lakoff and Johnson. It's not a songwriting book but it helps to see the richness of metaphors and a bit of a weakness with Pat's presentation. Pat seems to imply you can throw just about any two unrelated ideas together to make metaphors, but Metaphors We Live By shows quite a rational relationship in how metaphors come together. >Some of my favorite country songs do have tiny stories that the chorus ties together. Great! so you have an idea of the type of song style and target audience who will be familiar with that type of story telling/song structure. >I completely disagree with James. Sorry James LOL no worries > I like the way it tells a different story in each verse, that connects with the chorus Love's a bridge My concern for this would be charities are typically very focused on one aspect of humanitarian effort with a specific type of story they are telling to reach that need. Not many, if any, charities would be reaching out to hungry street children, widows, and food shelters...but I have not done enough research to say this is always the case. A church would probably come closest to being that kind of charity outreach.....but again, it's not a hard fast rule of lyric writing. >An example is Eleanor Rigby.written by Beatles were great ones for doing it. That's a great example, but the difference to me is the character's lives are cohabiting in the same town/city, but are in some sense clueless to each other's existence and loneliness which adds to the meaning of the song; the irony being the bigger the city, the more lonely people can be. As always, only suggestions James

Hi Amy, Good start You have a nice way of getting ideas across. Suggestion: Consider reading Pat Pattison's book Writing Better Lyrics; specifically chapter 7 called "Travelogues"-verse continuity. It talks about when the verses do not have a natural relationship and how verses are meant to develop, so the basic idea would be to focus on the story in one of these verses and develop it rather than starting up a new story in each verse. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi ames1212. I'll see what the muse can do on this v1 is about her writing v2 is about her attempts and final suicide.....maybe a pre-verse about her childhood could be up at the front. Thanks for the listen and post James

Hi Vagda, I understand what you mean. Details seem to have a way of either drawing in or alienating listeners. Thanks for the listen and post James

http://singmeastory.org/ The Sing Me a Story Foundation combines the imaginations of children in hospitals, children's homes, vulnerable youth organizations and hospices with the talents of songwriters to create stories and songs that bring joy to all those involved. This story was written by Otis (age | Partner Organization: Hospice of Toronto See the attachment for his story as the basis for this song #29 The Great Robbery http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12703165 On a bright day in the neighborhood A man in a mask laughed “Hee, hee, hee“ He saw a woman said, “Give me your purse†The woman was afraid and screamed! The great robbery The great robbery Ten minutes later the man had the purse The woman was sad and screamed! Ten seconds later police cars came Lights were flashing at the scene A policeman had his handcuffs out and said, “Don’t touch him†She watched and said, “Ok†as the policeman took him away The great robbery The great robbery Then she said, “Let him go. He is a person. He is good. It took a story from Otis for me to notice We can’t rob this man of his humanity He learned his lesson. Set him free†Set him free Set him free Set him free Set him free

Hi Asaphstable, Kudos to Goldy for making me dig deeper. I had recently read The Bell Jar and watched the movie Sylvia and read some of her poetry. The poem "Daddy" reveals a lot of the rage in her work. I'm glad you go the oven reference I added the "bees" sound effect at the end b/c of her father's studies on bees http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_(2003_film) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hHjctqSBwM Thanks for the listen and post James