Looking For Feedback

[fleakfragfry]

Hey, just joined up, and I'm looking for some feedback on my lyrics. I'm not necessarily looking for my lyrics to be poetry, but I am looking to blur the line a little, so be honest. I'm an egotistical c*nt, so it won't bother me. Here's two of my latest songs:

Blessed Cheesemaker

This round earth is really all noses

Cheese us, Christ,

We're fed if we want to be

Some soft construction like edible roses

Tea, fish, rice

We'll feast if we have plenty

Lord, we've discovered an outlandish flavor

Mix it all up

In an opiate paste

Delivered in tubes, you'd suck it, I'd wager

Thoughts are endangered,

Just savor the taste

(chorus)

Salvador says, man Jesus will cheese us,

Though, if he's just cheese, is he fit for consumption?

We can break bread, make merry to please us

Or we can break bodies and f**k up our function

(last time: or we can break bones like some small construction)

Gold can sell narry a soul in the morning

By night we've collapsed

And are looking to sell out

I'm watching time soften, runny, then pouring

God's in the structure

But well water's well out

Don't tase the brackish pool, please save yourselves

I've got some fresh water,

You've got the shells

God sent a mountain of fresh grapes and gouda

If you'd been there you'd'a

Had volumes to tell

(which leads into: )

Fleak Frag Fry

Boiled Beans, boiled beans

Wasted eggs and severed ligaments

Drown the dregs and leverage ignorance

"Only sinners say synergy's bullshitting

Galvanize Guernica, the dead and the still living"

(chorus)

This busy body is budding and flowering

Soon, though, it's gripping and pulling itself

the hard parts are stretching the soft parts, now cowering

(this) Body will tear itself up over wealth

Ladies' legs make th'elite all uncomfortable

S*x on a stage may empower untouchables

(they say)"they may display some insubordination

See, s*x is okay, but not for love or elation"

They may invoke the name of God at the peasants

Uphold the church, but still they don't feel His presence

Wage war to gain the gold and servitude they seek

Fighting in vain, their own God favors the meek

Ain't nobody gonna steal my natrual high

Waving my banner, let my fleak frag fry

Frag em and bag em, the peasants still aren't your loot

We'll march down the doors wearin our blues and our boots

[john]

Hi fleakfragfry

Welcome to Songstuff!

Do you have much material? Interested in writing for specific genres or anything?

Cheers

John

[thelevellers]

Hello and welcome

If you want some reviews you'd be better of posting your lyrics one at a time (you get a better response that way) in the lyric review board

Oh, and whereabouts on the globe are you from?

Cheers, Rohan

[tomess]

hello and welcome!

nice to be already friends after these few days

regards

tomess

[typo]

hi fff

[fleakfragfry]

I'm from Pennsylvania. Born in California, though. A west-coaster thrown into the east coast is a tough contrast to straddle, and it doesn't get much different than San Diego to Philadelphia. Except maybe to Jersey somewhere. I'm interested in every style that can possibly be squeezed into to pop and called rock and roll. Rock as an entity, w/ Little Richard, The Beatles, David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Motown, Johnny Cash, The Ramones, Black Flag, Bob Dylan, Bad Brains, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Ice T, its all rock music. Has anyone listened to M.I.A's new album? It's genius. Also Gogol Bordello- multiracial, multicultural gypsy punk!

[Mazrocon]

What's egotistical mean?

[Rudi]

Hi fff (did you almost cut your hair?). Your lyrics are refreshing.

[thelevellers]

YAY! For Gogol Bordello!

If you haven't already make HUGE efforts to see them live... I haven;t danced so much for so long since I last saw The Elfin in Dorset (only small bands seem to do such long sets, the Elfin regularly did 2-3hrs!)

*jigs around a bit*