Jokes

[Rudi]

How can you say `bacon' in a west Indian accent?

Just say `beer can'.

[Lazz]

The band manager walks into a rehearsal room and finds a complete mess with an angry bass player in one corner and the drummer in another, mouthing threats, while the drum kit lies broken smashed and bleeding between them.

"What the hell's going on here?" asks the manager.

"It's his fault" says the bass player; "He started it!"........

The manager looks at both his fuming rhythm players and says; "Okay, what happened?"

The bass player points an accusing finger at the drummer and says; "He de-tuned one of my strings!"

And the astonished manager says, "And you did all that?"

The bass player says, "Yeah - He won't tell me which one".

[Steve]

Ha ha ha!

[john]

[Rudi]

According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten people are

[Steve]

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' …By now she was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOOKIN' DEAD...!'

[john]

6 and a philosopher already!

[Alistair]

What's blue and can't climb trees?

A FRIDGE IN A WRANGLER JACKET

[Nick]

Reminded of this when a Scottish lady sang a sad song called 'The Great Silkie' about a woman who has a son by a silkie (man on land seal in water)

*****

A girl wakes up in bed after a boozy party and rolls over to find she is in bed with an elephant.

"What are you doing here?" she asks in surprise.

"We met at the party, got on rather well and you invited me back home" says the Elephant.

"Ohmigod, we didn't make love did we?"

"We sure did" smiled the Elephant

"I must have been tight" says the girl

"Only at first" says the Elephant

[Lazz]

A 3-year-old boy examines his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asks, 'Are these my brains'?

'Not yet', she replies.