8 Minutes

[Mazrocon]

So I got up in the middle of the night cause I couldn't sleep with all these ideas filling my head. Especially thinking that I wouldn't remember it all in the morning! So I got and emailed it to myself Tell me what you think!



This poem has been deleted due to possible publication.

Edited November 2, 2014 by Mazrocon

[Jaded94]

Wow,

I think this is an amazing poem.

It has great flow and it reads very well.

I like whole ' 8 minutes ' thing and the choice of words you have used.

Well done.

Christian.

[Mazrocon]

Thanks jaded, i'm glad you liked it! I think i'm gonna do a slight little rewrite cause i didn't realize until after I wrote it that I rhymed "time" with "time" in these two lines.

"It's like closed eyes seeing for the first time

We're both getting older and wasting time"

Lol do you have any ideas?

~TIMOTHY~

[Mazrocon]

What do you think is better?

"It's like closed eyes seeing for the first time

We're both getting older and wasting time"

or...

"It's like closed eyes seeing for the first time

We're both getting older and keeping in line"

?

~TIMOTHY~

[Jaded94]

Hmmmmm

I really like what you originally had,

Maybe you could use something like -

"It's like closed eyes seeing for the first time

We're both getting older and starting to tire"

I'm not sure if that is any help.

Christian

[Mazrocon]

Well that would make sense "we're bother getting older and starting to tire". I don't know though i'm leaning more to not rewriting it and just leaving it as it is. Either that or use your rewrite (if you don't mind)

Thanks for helping!

~TIMOTHY~

[Jaded94]

Yeah,

I think you should leave it.

It's really good the way it is.

[Kooky]

I didn't even notice it...I think it's perfect the way it is

[WolfLarsen]

collage of color filling the sky was my favorite line

[Mazrocon]

Thanks for taking the time to read Kooky and Wolf

~TIMOTHY~

[BigBluesGuy]

Since your rhyming style seems to be aabbcc you should also make the first verse follow the same. The last two have good rhymes but the first one only has one...doesn't flow well with the rest but it is a very good poem!

[Mazrocon]

Thanks for reading BigBluesGuy!

I appreciate the honesty, and I'm glad you liked it. Though I'm kinda confused on which parts you are referring to? I would like the last stanza to match the scheme of the first two, but I couldn't think of how to word it to say what I wanted it to say while still keeping the rhyme scheme.

Is that the part you are talking about, or about the 2 line stanza?

~TIMOTHY~

[DaniGirl13xx]

"The sunsets like the moon driven tide

8 minutes just to sit and enjoy the ride"

I love this ^^ part.

I really love the whole poem, GREAT imagery. Great flow. Just wow!

[Mazrocon]

Wow thanks Dani!

~TIMOTHY~

[Kanonkalkon]

Nice poem!

[Mazrocon]

Nice poem!

[Godazn]

Love the first stanza....and pretty much the whole thing, awesome write

~ Woop Woop