This Man We Call King

[Mazrocon]

I think this one still needs a little tweaking. I like the idea and where it is heading but it was tricky because of the ambitious rhyme scheme. I'm not totally sure how well it reads? Got any suggestions?



This lyric has been deleted due to possible publication.



I'm also not sure which order the verses should appear? "You're like a pig rolling in the mud" feels almost too abrupt to begin the poem. Oh and btw I added a 3rd verse. Do you think it's improved?

[john]

Hey Tim

Interesting in that you effectively use a refrain. It generally flows well. Thematically I'd ask... what is the point you are making? You spend a lot of time describing the king by his actions... like a lyric it needs progression and to an extent you seem to get hung up on further similar tearing into the king. It'd be interesting to see it evolve passed that to something that either has a conclusion or leaves a strong question in the mind of the reader. i guess it depends on exactly where you want to take it.

Hope this helps.

Cheers

John

[Mazrocon]

Hey john thanks for sharing your thoughts! The main message I was trying to get through was the refrain "how noble is this man we call king being ruled by someone who has everything". It was tricky trying to stay organized with the message because the rhyme scheme goes ABCABC. Which is a bit unconventional.

I'll try to take your suggestions into consideration

Thanks again!

~TIMOTHY~

[RKG]

Hi TIMOTHY,

I'm not a big fan of the location of the first verse, maybe move that one toward the end and tweak some of the individual lines to clear up meanings. I think John is on to something with the theme needing some tightening up.

Good luck with the rewrites..

RKG

[Mazrocon]

Thanks for the feedback RKG!

I rearranged the verses. I put the first verse where the 3rd verse was and pushed the 2nd and 3rd verse down. Do you think that is better?

I'm having difficulty editing the poem and still make sense. Kind of on a writers block at the moment... i'll have to leave this as is for now.

~TIMOTHY~

[RKG]

The verse rearrangement does work better in my opinion. I like how the imagery starts out with talk about a mighty Warrior, but then the subsequent actions demote the character all the way down to a pig. I think that is the theme you need to build on - how his lofty position is being corrupted by the misuse of power - and how that takes away from his Nobility. Good luck with the blockage.

Cheers,

RKG