Overdose

[TheManInIndiana]

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago. It was INSPIRED BY true events. There is also a follow-up poem to it that I wrote a few months later.

"Overdose"

They all got together for some illegal fun

They’d all do some drugs and just come undone.

They met at one’s house and didn’t waste time

They bought all the drugs and got set to get high.

One was uncertain and definitely scared

But even though fearful in the fun she shared.

She took a strange pill and then smoked some weed

And soon like a vampire she needed to feed.

She went to the kitchen to grab a light snack

When something went wrong she fell on her back.

She lay on the ground seizing and crying

But no one had thought that maybe she’s dying.

Her boyfriend had noticed she wasn’t ok

He ran over to her and beside her he lay.

His arms wrapped around her he hoped for the best.

He pulled her so tightly up to his chest.

They laid there for seconds but seemed like much longer.

All of the time his fear had grown stronger.

He thought to himself “should I call 911?”

But over his love fear had already won.

If he called 911 he’d be facing jail

So he sat there in silence while her face turned pale.

She slowly calmed down her motions were slower.

He looked down and saw all the blood below her.

Everyone present was frozen in fear

Of all of them there only two shed a tear.

Her boyfriend was hoping that all would be well

But deep down inside I think he could tell.

He thought she’d be fine but he wasn’t right

She died in his arms at 10:30 at night.

Well please critique my poem if you want me to post the follow-up poem, Post-Overdose.

[john]

Nicely put together, although the inconsistant rhyme scheme I wsa less sure of. An interesting and sad story but "She" and "He" etc keeps it very much at arm's length so emotional reaction was muted in comparison to a first person perspective.

[TheManInIndiana]

Thank you for the feedback, can I ask for a little more detail as to what you didn't like about the rhyme scheme, maybe an area where it was worst and one where it was best? And I was kind of trying to keep it from being personal by just saying he and she, I wasn't trying to tell a story as much as just show people the emotion behind the fact that things can go horribly wrong in these situations. In my area there is a lot of drug use and of course they all just see it as harmless fun, I wanted to drive a feeling in the reader to make them think but if I did the opposite of that by using the perspective that I did then some things need to be rethought. Perhaps I should make mention in the poem of some feelings or past experiences between the she and he so the reader can feel the love between the two, I want people to realize when the end of the poem comes that you can lose someone you love very much. Speaking of which I wanted to ask you what you thought of the ending?