Song Writing Challenge/competition #3

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey all,

A little bit different this time. Instead of me writing over your words I want you to write words over my melody.

The following links are from a jam session that I had with a guitarist friend of mine.

I invite you to write the lyrics to this song.

Primarily this is a challenge but if something good comes from it then perhaps it will be more. There are already two writers involved so as far as rights go the lyricist will share 1/3 of the rights to the song.

Feel free to use inspiration from the words I sang at the time or discard them completely. It was a stream of consciousness so I am not attached to them.

Idea 1:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23201924/I%20just%20wanna%20V1.wav

Idea 2 (Alternate Verse melody. Sounds a bit Chillies):

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/23201924/I%20just%20wanna%20V2.wav

There is no middle 8 melody but feel free to right lyrics that will compliment the rest of the song.

Get your ideas in and enjoy.

Lyrical points to consider:

If you were listening to the song on the radio would the lyrics keep you interested?

The verses should develop the story and provide new information for the listener.

The chorus often includes the title of the song.

Consider use of repetition, rhymes, assonance and alliteration.

Enjoy

JD

[McnaughtonPark]

Nice melody James, hope to submit something soon.

[JamTimeMusic]

[Danka]

JD, today I had a bit of time so I listened to the melody and the tune drew me in. I loved it sooooo much that for whole day it had stayed in my mind and I couldn’t resist putting some lyrics in it . What you reckon?.

Danka

Since you’d left me

I still love you so....

The light in the tunnel is dimming

You‘re not here, really gone

I missed you, life goes on

Every night my heart is bleeding

Keeps me awake till the crack of dawn {or till the dawn}

You’ve vanished for good

I would bring you back if I could

I don’t believe that you’re gone

Chorus:

My heart cries for you

Don’t you see

My mind is full of you

Since you’d left me

I’ll never be the same

I’ll never be

If you don’t come, come back

To me

My love for you is still burning

I’m not yet able to let it go

It’s hard to accept and to know

Not to see you again, it’s hurting

It’s not an illusion of love,

How to extinguish the flame

Every day I am calling your name

You are all that I can think of

Chorus:

My heart cries for you

Don’t you see

My mind is full of you

Since you’d left me

I’ll never be the same

I’ll never be

If you don’t come, come back

To me

Danuta Gal © 23/6/11

Edited June 24, 2011 by Danka

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey Danka,

Well done for having a go. This kind of challenge is a tough one because it takes a lot of persistence and craft to get right.

The words you have written are nice enough and I can see the song is about missing the love of someone but I don't anything else. There are a lot of emotions from the singer but I feel there needs to be more story so that we can connect to the singer.

In terms of the biggest part of the task, i'm afraid you have deviated from the plan as such.

When writing to an existing melody it is imperative that the words you write fit exactly to the melody. So, syllables are very important as is the way your words scan with the melody.

It might be a good idea to write out the words that I sang so that you can break it down to see the components.

Keep up the good work.

JD

[Dee]

Hi JD

Is there a deadline for this one?

[Danka]

JD, that’s me again, it is winter in Australia so the days are short so i spend more time at home.I took a time to listen to the words you were signing and this time I think I did it right. Thanks for showing me in the right direction for the writing to the melody.

I hope you like it. I really value your opinion and criticism.

P.S It was a bit like brain exercise ha ha

My Final Call

I see the world is talking and laughing

I feel my world is gradually crashing

I am sitting on my own

You told me that was just a fling

Your heart has become a stone

I bought you the ring

Bridge

I don’t want to talk to you at all

No engagement, it’s my final call

Chorus:

I already knew

I don’t give a damn

I just want you to go

I said my adieu

I already knew

I don’t give a damn

And to hell with you

I have seen you both kissing and dining

I felt like my world started dying

You were selling me cheap

You should have given back my key

My love for you was growing deep

You took that from me

Bridge

I don’t want to talk to you at all

No engagement, it’s my final call

Chorus:

I already knew

I don’t give a damn

I just want you to go

I said my adieu

I already knew

I don’t give a damn

And to hell with you

Danuta Gal © 23/6/11

Edited June 29, 2011 by Danka

[JamTimeMusic]

Hi JD

Is there a deadline for this one?

No deadline Dee. Just a good learning experience. If I happen to like one of the ideas a lot I will take it further.

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Danka, Can I just check. Are you working to file 1 or 2? It seems like 2.

The hook line for me on the chorus is the third line where I sing

"I don't want you to love me, any way other"

I feel that whatever replaces it needs to phrase in a similar way. I don't feel that you have hit the mark using:

"I just want you to go"

"I said my adieu"

I like the idea behind the story. I think the lyrics convey a lot of anger which Is not particularly a favourite for me. Generally fits much better with the melody. Nice attempt.

In the following example you rhyme the end of lines 1 & 3 whereas I feel you should rhyme lines 1 & 2

You told me that was just a fling

Your heart has become a stone

I bought you the ring

The pre chorus lyrics had an interesting take on it. I like you use of 'No engagement, it's my final call'

The chorus isn't doing enough for me. I hear all the anger but it's too much pure anger for my liking. A clever remark or smart ass comment, something fresh would be good in there.

Keep working at it. And just be careful with the melody. Some phrases are perfect but some are slightly out.

Good stuff

JD

[Danka]

JD, thanks for your reply I followed your instructions. I do agree with you, the previous chorus was too cocky so I changed it and I like it now. I changed and replaced some words and it should sound better now and the story is clearer. It is hard to see my own mistakes so I’d be happy if you point them out..

JD,I don’t know much about a middle 8 can you explain is it same melody or does it vary.Is the middle eight the same as the bridge?

Thanks I AM STILL WORKING ON THEM AND NEW CHORUS {not happy about this lyrics}

Danka

My Final Call

Life must go on….

I see the world talking and laughing

I feel my world is slowly crashing

I am sitting on my own

I feel down, my heart sinks like a stone

Too soon I had bought you that ring

I know you had a fling

Rise:

I don’t want to talk to you at all

No engagement, it’s my final call

Chorus:

I don’t want your tears

I don’t want your “why’s”

I know that you don’t love me, as it appears

You fed me with lies

I don’t want your tears

Time to say goodbye

I‘ve seen you both kissing and dining

I thought for while about dying

You were selling me cheap

My love for you was true and deep

You should’ve handed back my key

No more “you and me”

Rise:

I don’t want to talk to you at all

No engagement, it’s my final call

Chorus:

I don’t want your tears

I don’t want your “why’s

I know that you don’t love me, as it appears

You fed me with lies

I don’t want your tears

Time to say goodbye

Edited July 6, 2011 by Danka

[Dee]

Danka

Your song is really coming along. I like the story you're telling.

JD

I have to agree with Danka that it is quite challenging to listen to someone singing one set of words while reading another so my entry may be a syllable or two out! You mentioned the rhyming scheme earlier and said you would like it to be lines 1 and 2. Would lines 2 and 4 work?

Are you willing to tweak your melody slightly? As you will see I have written a line just before the pre-chorus (line .

p.s. I like your challenges - keep them coming!

The Promises we Give – © Denielle West. July 2011

Something tells me,

Something’s so wrong.

The smile that lights your eyes

Is now dead and gone.

Someone took you

To have and forever hold

The honeymoon’s over

His love has turned cold

He criticizes all that you do

(Yet) you’ve got somebody here who loves you

I can’t stand to watch

Your life pass you by

Sometimes we have to break the promises we give

If you stay with him

You’re too young to die

Come away with me. Live

[Danka]

Dee thank you for the comment

JD don’t give up on me yet I think I could deliver these are my first attempts. I had changed the title.

JD, any direction from you will be great.

Thanks Danka

Without engagement

Why is it hurting so much…

I see the world talking and laughing

I feel my world is slowly crashing

I’m sitting here all alone

I’m on the edge of the unknown

I hold the ring you will never wear it

You had the affair

Rise:

Tell me if you loved me, in any case

Our engagement won’t take place

Chorus:

I won’t love again

The agony of pain

Stays inside my heart, my heart is broken

I‘m beaten man

You had torn apart

The love in my heart

I‘d caught you on lying and cheating

I feel so sad my heart is weeping

You were selling me cheap

I love you truly and deeply

I saw your antics and I knew

I wouldn’t stay with you

Rise:

Tell me if you loved me, in any case

Our engagement won’t take place

Chorus:

I won’t love again

The agony of pain

Stays inside my heart, my heart is broken

I‘m beaten man

You had torn apart

The love in my heart

Edited July 8, 2011 by Danka

[McnaughtonPark]

JD, when I heard the melody 1 version, I liked it so I wanted to try to write toward it. Also, the line, "I don't want you to love me, anyway other", caught my ear as it was strangely written but captivating in it's own way. I wanted to write toward it also, and keep it in the lyric. I've come up with a rough version that I can sing into your Melody. The words you sing, although they partially inspired what i wrote, also confused the syllable count per line for me.

What I do is go through and try to count the syllables you have, then match that when writing. I got as close as I could with dashes on the lines of paper to match what I heard as syllables in your melody. But, some don't match. The last line you sing as one word with a varying inflection, which to my ear sounds like syllables, but you have only a one syllable word sung to match your melody. I write to the inflection as if it were a syllable. I don't know if I can explain what I mean very well so here is what I came up with so far. Right now, I'm mostly concerned with storyline and emotional connection. Later, if you would like me to continue in this direction, I'll do a better job with alliteration and scansion and perhaps add a middle 8 section which I'm not sure of just yet.

Summer

Summertime girl

You're here again

Makes me think the world

Was made for summer love

And those cold nights

We spend so far apart

Make me long to be

With you

Hold onto the sunlight baby

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Woman can't you see

I don’t want to leave

I won’t ever love you

Anyway other

I don’t want to live

If I can not love

Nothing can go wrong

It's summer

When you’re not here

I don’t exist

When I'm feeling fear

I head for summer love

And all my steps

Though some are not so long

Always bring me back

To you

Hold onto the sunlight baby

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Woman can't you see

I don't want to leave

I won’t ever love you

Anyway other

I don’t want to live

If I can not love

Nothing can go wrong

It's summer

Edited July 8, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[Danka]

JD, I worked on version 1 of your melody like you said. It was fun. I just want to improve my writing and it is a good opportunity for me to work with a melody which I never done before. I am glad that you shared your tune with us and people like me can practice with it.

Danka

My love is far away

Feel it touch me

Whisper cute words

How sweet can love be?

We’re close like love birds

Promise me this

Move in with me for good

Seal our love with a kiss

Rise:

I will go with you if I could

No, nobody knows how I feel

Chorus:

My love is far away

My love is distant

Why don’t you come to me, I feel so lonely

I just want to

Just be close to

Close, close to you

Sunrise is now

Breakfast for two

I want more time, but how

To spend more time with you

You travel by plane

I’ll visit you, I would

Wish to see you again

Rise:

I will go with you if I could

No, nobody knows how I feel

Chorus:

My love is far away

My love is distant

Why don’t you come to me, I feel so lonely

I just want to

Just be close to

Close, close to you

Danuta Gal ©

[McnaughtonPark]

I may be wrong, but by the lack of response I took it to mean the first offering wasn't well liked, here's an edited and re-written version for your perusal.

Sunlight Lady

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summer girl

You make me believe

Love’s too good for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when you’re here

So I...…

(Chorus)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Want you to believe

Don’t want you to leave

How could I ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

(V2)

Sunlight Lady

You’re the dawn

Where ever I am

Without you I can’t go on

And all my steps

Though some are not so long

May not bring me back

So I...…

(Chorus)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Want you to believe

Don’t want you to leave

How could I ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

(M8)

You’re a cool tasty drink

You’re the thought I like to think

You’re the coming of the day

You’re why I want to stay

You’re the colors of the rainbow

The 'cmon get up and let's go

You’re a field of white daisies

You’re my Sunlight Lady

(Chorus)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Want you to believe

Don’t want you to leave

How could I ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

Edited July 20, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the responses. I forgot to post that I was going on holiday. Back now.

I will look at each lyric in turn.

[JamTimeMusic]

My Final Call

Life must go on….

I see the world talking and laughing

I feel my world is slowly crashing

I am sitting on my own

I feel down, my heart sinks like a stone

Too soon I had bought you that ring

I know you had a fling

First three lines pretty good, last three not so good.

Rise:

I don’t want to talk to you at all (replace at all with NOW and it works better with the melody. Whether It works with the song is another thing).

No engagement, it’s my final call

Chorus:

I don’t want your tears ( I feel should be a non plural word here)

I don’t want your “why’s” (Not sure about "why's")

I know that you don’t love me, as it appears (Interesting line. Quite good interpretation)

You fed me with YOUR lies

I don’t want your tears

Time to say goodbye

I‘ve seen you both kissing and dining

I thought for A while about dying

You were selling me cheap

My love for you was true and deep

You should’ve handed back my key

No more “you and me”

Without engagement

I see the world talking and laughing

I feel my world is slowly crashing

I’m sitting here all alone

Really good first three lines. Read well and sing very well.

I’m on the edge of the unknown (works but I think my brain wants to hear .....ing)

I hold the ring you will never wear it (hard to fit)

You had the affair (too obvious maybe?)

Rise:

Tell me if you loved me, in any case (Too many syllables)

Our engagement won’t take place

Chorus:

I won’t love again

The agony of pain

Stays inside my heart (word), my heart is broken (One syllable missing (word))

I‘m beaten man

You had torn apart

The love in my heart

This chorus is probably the best you have done in terms of working with the melody. Lyrically I feel it can be stronger so have another look. The last three lines are the weakest.

I‘d caught you on lying and cheating (on?)

I feel so sad my heart is weeping

You were selling me cheap(ly)

I love you truly and (word) deeply

I saw your antics and I knew (word) (Antics is not a good word to use imo)

I wouldn’t stay with you

My love is far away

Feel it touch me

Whisper cute words

How sweet can love be?

We’re close like love birds

Promise me this

Move in with me for good (Doesn't work so well)

Seal our love with a kiss (Doesn't work so well)

Rise:

I will would go with you if I could (I would)

No, nobody knows how I feel

Chorus:

My love is far away (N

My love is distant N

Why don’t you come to me, I feel so lonely

I just want to (Word)

Just be close to (Word)

Close, close to you

Danka,

The first verse worked well with the melody so well done. The lyrics are sweet in themselves but the lyrics in general are very abstract, no clear story, just emotions on a page. Although you are improving your ability to write to a melody it feels on this attempt as if you are writing JUST to fit the melody without fully considering the power and impact of your lyrics.

Take the second from last line of your chorus here. You write: "Just be close to". In my version I sing something like "I just wanna love". On the word love I sing it powerfully and with accent. If I try to sing your line with the same emphasis it just does not work because the word "to" just doesn't allow me to do it.

Lines 2-4 of the chorus don't fit well enough with the melody. Line 1 and 2 should sound the same but here you use the words "away" and "distant" as your last two words. They don't rhyme and they contain a differing number syllables. It doesn't work i'm afraid.

I can see how you are improving but I would suggest that what you do now is choose your favourite version of your lyric and re-write that over and over until you get it right. By writing a totally different song each time can be useful to find the one perfect line but I personally like to choose an idea and evolve it.

I hope you take positives from this

Cheers

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey Dee.

As long as the Rhyming works it should be ok. As for melody, I am willing to look at alterations if some is good.

The Promises we Give – © Denielle West. July 2011

Something tells me,

Something’s so wrong.

The smile that lights your eyes

Is now dead and gone.

Someone took you

To have and forever hold

The honeymoon’s over

His love has turned cold

He criticizes all that you do

(Yet) you’ve got somebody here who loves you

I can’t stand to watch

Your life pass you by

Sometimes we have to break the promises we give

If you stay with him

You’re too young to die

Come away with me. Live

Dee, very cool attempt. You really embraced this well. Not perfect in places but i liked it a lot.

The first first reads well and sings perfectly.

The second verse is good but I feel the second line is being rushed because of the syllables. You could get away with it but If I were writing it I'd change it because I don't like to change the pattern.

Bridge. Good impacting words. Works well with the melody.

The chorus for me although I totally see what story you are trying to get across iss not working melodically or with great flow. I'd like you to revisit that.

Really like what you have started here. The chorus for me though is the biggy so see what else you got.

Cheers

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Summer

Summertime girl

You're here again

Makes me think the world

Was made for summer love

Works well melodically. Lyrically interesting.

All those cold nights

We spent so far apart

Made me long to be

With you

It felt to me as if you should kinda say this from a different perspective so I changed one word in each line.

Hold onto the sunlight baby (Like this line. Really distinctive)

Let the rain make all the mistakes (My brain is wondering if I like the sound that the word mistakes has. It might be that i'm just used to the Ooh or Eee sound!)

Woman can't you see (Feels very attacking using the word Woman.)

I don’t want to leave

I won’t ever love you

Anyway other (Cool similarity of my original idea).

I don’t want to live

If I can not (never) love (never love works better melodically)

Nothing can go wrong

It's summer

Lyrically I find the story a little odd. The sunlight references are very positive but I feel the chorus is a bit of a downer. Just my interpretation i guess.

With that chorus line "I won't ever love you, anyway other". That suggests that before that would be. I give you everything, I give you my soul. Not that specifically but that kind of declaration. Or, No matter how you feel about me, I won't ever love you, anyway other". Lots of ways to interpret that line but for me I feel that line in the chorus is the one you need to build the song around.

When you’re not here

I don’t exist

When I'm feeling fear

I head for summer love

And all my steps

Though some are not so long

Always bring me back

To you

The lyrics work but your story telling is fine if your were the artist going to perform it but if this were to be pitched I feel they would think these lyrics not obvious enough.

Sunlight Lady

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summer girl (Syllable)

You make me believe

Love’s too good for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when you’re here

So I...…

Rise

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes

Chorus

(I) Want you to believe (Maybe add I)

(I) Don’t want you to leave (Maybe add I)

How could I ever need, anyone other. (If I hold the how it works, if I sing it exactly as original then it needs one more syllable)

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

(V2)

Sunlight Lady

You’re the dawn

Where ever I am

Without you I can’t go on

And all my steps

Though some are not so long

May not bring me back

So I...…

(M8)

You’re a cool tasty drink

You’re the thought I like to think

You’re the coming of the day

You’re why I want to stay

You’re the colors of the rainbow

The 'cmon get up and let's go

You’re a field of white daisies

You’re my Sunlight Lady

Cool M8. Like the look of it.

JD

[McnaughtonPark]

The lyrics work but your story telling is fine if your were the artist going to perform it but if this were to be pitched I feel they would think these lyrics not obvious enough.

Ok, I can see your point. As usual I added too many twists and I think I addressed those in the second version. Here's a re-write with your suggestions. I hope you holiday went well.

Sunlight Lady

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summertime girl (added syllable)

You make me believe

Love’s too good for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when you’re here

So I...…

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let go of the cold and rainy (changed the mistakes sound, but it's up to you)

(chorus)

I want you to believe (edit)

I don’t want you to leave (edit)

I don't think I'll ever need (edit)

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

(V2)

Sunlight Lady

You are the dawn (edit)

Where ever I am

Without you I can’t go on

And all my steps

Though some are not so long (Though some aren't even wrong)

May not bring me back

So I...…

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let go of the cold and rainy

(chorus)

I want you to believe

I don’t want you to leave

I don't think I'll ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

(M8)

You’re a cool tasty drink

You’re the thought I like to think

You’re the coming of the day

You’re why I want to stay

You’re the colors of the rainbow

The 'cmon get up and let's go

You’re a field of white daisies

You’re my Sunlight Lady

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let go of the cold and rainy

(chorus)

I want you to believe

I don’t want you to leave

I don't think I'll ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If I cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

Edited July 22, 2011 by McnaughtonPark