Song Writing Challenge/competition #3

[Dee]

Hey JD

Thanks for your comments. I'm about to go on holiday in a couple of days time but will look at it again when I return.

Cheers

Dee

[Danka]

JD, thanks for your directions and help.

I am still working on it and in a few days I will post them.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Danka

[McnaughtonPark]

JD, here's another edit, I was sitting out back singing and the final chorus after the middle 8 changed. Including the first 4 of the first verse with the last 4 of the middle 8 made an interesting outro, or whatever that last section is called when it's not the same as the chorus. Of course, I suppose introducing a new section at this point may not be a good idea, but I always like rewriting until a lyric is in songform.

Sunlight Lady

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summertime girl

You make me believe

Loves too big for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when youre here

So I...…

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes (let go of the cold and rainy) I really do like Let the rain make all the mistakes, it's not expected, but it's up to you of course)

(chorus)

I want you to believe

I dont want you to leave

I don't think I'll ever need

Anyone other

I dont want to live

If we cannot love

If we dont belong

Together

(V2)

Sunlight Lady

You are the dawn

Where ever I am

Without you I cant go on

And all your steps

Though some aren't even wrong

May not bring you back

So I...…

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let go of the cold and rainy

(chorus)

I want you to believe

I dont want you to leave

I don't think I'll ever need

Anyone other

I dont want to live

If we cannot love

If we dont belong

Together

(M8)

Youre a cool tasty drink

Youre the thought I like to think

Youre the coming of the day

Youre why I want to stay

Youre the colors of the rainbow

The 'cmon get up and let's go

I love you like crazy

Youre my Sunlight Lady

(outro)

Sunlight Lady

Summertime girl

You make me believe

Loves too big for this world

You're the colors of the rainbow

The c'mon, get up and lets go

I love you like crazy

You're my sunlight lady

Edited July 24, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[Danka]

JD, I worked hard on these lyrics to get them right and to get smooth with the melody. Let me know if something has to be fixed or just give me your opinion. Thanks

Danka

Without engagement

I see the world talking and laughing

I feel my world is slowly crashing

I’m sitting here all alone

I see that my life has no meaning

The tomorrow for us is gone

I won’t be with you

Bridge:

I bought you the ring to state my love

Our engagement turned to dust

Chorus:

I won’t love again

I don’t want this pain

Why did you betray me, my heart is broken

I don’t want to live

Life is full of grief

It’s hard to love and leave /or this love is killing me

I saw you both, kissing and cuddling

Me and my love for you meant nothing

You were there selling me cheap

I just left the room without asking

Though my love for you is still deep

I chose to let go

Bridge:

I bought you the ring to state my love

Our engagement turned to dust

Chorus:

I won’t love again

I don’t want this pain

Why did you betray me, my heart is broken

I don’t want to live

Life is full of grief

It’s hard to love and leave /or this love is killing me

Middle

Always I thought was there

The Magical land of love

You were the only one

With whom I wished to share

The great wonder of life

But I decided to walk away

From you and your lies

But you always will be my love

My love of yesterday

Danuta Gal ©

Edited August 13, 2011 by Danka

[JamTimeMusic]

Sorry guys been really busy and just don't have time right now to critique your work. I hope you've enjoyed the challenge thus far. A song can sometimes wait on a shelf for a while but sometimes a little bit of dust makes it sound better. Speak soon

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Rioters got me mega busy at work this week. Might get a chance next week.

[McnaughtonPark]

Sounds like a real mess, hopefully you're making overtime pay!!!

[Danka]

JD, it's better if you critique our work earlier rather than later because I lost count how many times I changed my lyrics, lol.

Better do your work first though.

Cheers, Danka

[JamTimeMusic]

Sounds like a real mess, hopefully you're making overtime pay!!!

Hell YEAH!

[McnaughtonPark]

There is dissension in the ranks, a prude, a non-conformant. JD,I have been singing "Sunlight Lady" to the presented melody for weeks and have to differ from your placement of the "Lift" or "Pre-Chorus" section.

Rather than:

Sunlight Lady

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summertime girl

You make me believe

Love’s too big for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when you’re here

So I...…

(lift)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes [/b

I sing it like this:

(V1)

Sunlight Lady

Summertime girl

You make me believe

Love’s too big for this world

But those blue skies

With clouds as white as pearls

Are brighter when you’re here

(PRE-Chorus)

So I...…

(Chorus)

I hold onto my Sunlight Lady

Let the rain make all the mistakes

I want you to believe

I don’t want you to leave

I don't think I'll ever need

Anyone other

I don’t want to live

If we cannot love

If we don’t belong

Together

The difference being the actual rise of the melody. I know you are busy, this isn't pressing, just exploring my understanding of the pre-chorus/rise/lift.

Edited August 13, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[Dee]

Hello, I'm back and relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated (spelling? I'm terrible at it.)

It seems a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. Shocking to know about the riots!

Anyway JD, I know you've a lot on your plate at the moment so this is for when you're ready to look at it.

I've progessed my story by adding a 2nd verse. I've kept the first verse the same only making one amendment - swapping FOREVER to ALWAYS so it should fit better.

I agree, the chorus is the biggie and I wanted to make it as powerful as possible as well as keeping it simple. I've changed the title to The Promises we Make.

The chorus ends with the word PROMISES but it could be changed to THE PROMISES WE MAKE. Also JD, you end a line with OTHER while I end it with MAKE which, obviously is a syllable short, which obviously could be a problem. But if you like the story, then this is something we can work around.

The Promises we Make © Denielle West - August 2011

V1

Something tells me

Somethings so wrong

The smile that lights your eyes

Is now dead and gone

Someone took you

To have and always hold

The honeymoons over

His love has turned cold

Pre-chorus

He criticizes all that you do

(Yet) you got somebody here who loves you

Chorus

I dont wanna see

Another tear streak

Sometimes we have to break

The promises we make

We can justify

We can reason why

Why we have to break

Promises

(or)

Why we have to break

The promises we make.

V2

Sometimes I curse

Timing in life

If I had met you first

You would be my wife

Fate has served us

This chance to be as one

I know I ask a lot

And your heart is torn

Pre-chorus

Id turn my back on my love for you

If I knew he worshiped you too

Chorus

MP and Danka - Your songs are progressing well. Great work!

Edited August 15, 2011 by Dee

[Dolce]

Wow - I really admire your patience through this whole process!

[McnaughtonPark]

Did anything every fly?

[Dee]

Hello all

This has gone very quiet hasn't it? lol

Merry Christmas to you all.

Dee

[McnaughtonPark]

Merry Christmas Dee