Challenge #16 - Hard As Diamonds

[DonnaMarilyn]

Here's my effort.

 

(Goldy, well done on the vocals.  Singing a cappella takes courage - it's like standing naked in a bar.   )

 

Donna

 

Hard As Diamonds

 

V1

Girl, you smiled and promised

You’d be with me all the way

And I leaned down to kiss you

Thinking there’s still time to play

 

V2

Girl, I knew your bound’ries

Glad of just how much you cared

But went ahead and pushed them

Risking everything we’d shared

 

Pre-chorus

When you left I couldn’t blame you

Knew I’d hurt and shamed you

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my illusion

They cut through the delusion

I’d had about myself and love

Hard as diamonds

Making my stupidity crystal clear

 

V3

Girl, I can’t help hoping

One day you’ll return my calls

Until you do I’ll wait here

Like a ghost within these walls

 

Pre-chorus

When you left I couldn’t blame you

Knew I’d hurt and shamed you

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my illusion

They cut through the delusion

I’d had about myself and love

Hard as diamonds

Making my stupidity crystal clear

 

Bridge

You left your favourite book behind

Might that mean something more?

Now I sit and watch the door

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my illusion

They cut through the delusion

I’d had about myself and love

Hard as diamonds

Making my stupidity crystal clear

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

[JDHarris]

_{Hi Donna, I like the title Hard as Diamonds and use throughout the song, “cut delusionsâ€. Diamonds also sparkle, scratch, can score, gouge.  Also means everlasting, unbreakable, cold, and ice and are known to be a girls’ best friend.} 

 

_{Structure I think is good, all components are there, however having said that, the plot to me seems to be a bit fragmented without really explaining the delusion except in the chorus.  I think you need to give more weight to the delusion itself.  As it is written there is no explanation other than a quick mention that there is some sort of illusion or delusion that has been cut.}

 

_{I think if you add a line at the end of verse one something like, “never imagined instead you’d turn awayâ€.  Adding a line like that there leads into the idea of an illusion of delusion.}

 

_{Then again at the end of verse two explain what the delusion was or is.  Something like “My delusion was thinking that you’d still be hereâ€.  My delusion was …………This carries the story line of delusion a little further along I think and works in well with your intensions.}

 

_{Pre Chorus:  I’m not sure this carries the story, to me it sort of adds to the confusion, how did I hurt or shame you?  If you can work in an explanation of that in somewhere ,or rewrite pre chorus.}

 

_{Chorus: Hard as diamonds were the words, I think changing the next line from threw at, I don’t think throwing diamonds would cut much, but they might scratch some things up like illusions.   I think if you reverse the order of the next two lines.  Carry the thought of illusions with the next line being, I’d had about myself and love.  They cut through the delusion, hard as diamonds, made my vision crystal clear.   Vision or something other than stupidity,   I think keeps the metaphor going, moving forward and strengthens the flow better}

 

_{Verse three:  Then keep the theme moving with a last line something like†Haunting illusions full of self-delusionsâ€.}

 

_{Bridge:  I’m not sure what exactly, how the book left behind fits in, but if you want to keep the delusion going through, I suggest something to make it on going, something like “ Now I sit and watch as if you’d come through the doorâ€.}  

 

_{The hook is then tied in more cohesively.  You can explain so much by adding one line to each verse ending that leads to the next verse.  It ties up everything making it a tighter write and solidifies the fact that you are under some type of delusion which the reader can comprehend easily from start to finish.} 

 

_{Other than those few suggestions, I like your rhyme and meter.  Use of language, no one will be stumbling over them, easy to remember and I think over all a good start.}  

 

_{I like the premise and can’t wait to see the final edition.  I hope this helps you develop the story line.  This is my first full critique, and is of course my honest opinion.}

 

 

_{Good luck, I enjoyed the read and having the opportunity to give you my feedback.  Jan}

[DonnaMarilyn]

Jan, thank you so much for your comprehensive comments. I've responded below.

 

_{Hi Donna, I like the title Hard as Diamonds and use throughout the song, “cut delusionsâ€. Diamonds also sparkle, scratch, can score, gouge.  Also means everlasting, unbreakable, cold, and ice and are known to be a girls’ best friend.} 

 

Indeed, diamonds can mean all that.  Mainly I wanted to focus on the cutting aspect. 

 

_{Structure I think is good, all components are there, however having said that, the plot to me seems to be a bit fragmented without really explaining the delusion except in the chorus. Yes, I wondered about the ambiguity. I was hoping the metaphors would carry the story, rather than it needing more concrete details. Genre of course would partly dictate. I think you need to give more weight to the delusion itself.  As it is written there is no explanation other than a quick mention that there is some sort of illusion or delusion that has been cut.}

 

_{The illusion is actually first referred to in line 4, V1, where the singer mentions that even while the woman is making a commitment to him (e.g. it could even be at their wedding), he has plans to 'play around'. He's deluding himself that he can 'have it all', so to speak. Perhaps this needs to be made more clear.} 

 

_{I think if you add a line at the end of verse one something like, “never imagined instead you’d turn awayâ€.  Adding a line like that there leads into the idea of an illusion of delusion.}

 

_{As mentioned above, the illusion refers to how he thinks of himself rather than what the woman eventually does. The illusion is the way in which he thinks about himself and his attitude to love and commitment. The woman left him because the ideas he had about love were not realistic or honourable.} 

 

_{However, an extra line could help. It would also add to the 'unstable' factor of the verses' content.}

 

_{Then again at the end of verse two explain what the delusion was or is.  Something like “My delusion was thinking that you’d still be hereâ€.  My delusion was …………This carries the story line of delusion a little further along I think and works in well with your intensions.}

 

_{Pre Chorus:  I’m not sure this carries the story, to me it sort of adds to the confusion, how did I hurt or shame you?  If you can work in an explanation of that in somewhere ,or rewrite pre chorus.}

 

Again, this could indicate I need less ambiguity. The hint is given in line 4, V1, where the singer tells us that he had already been planning to play around on the woman. She eventually discovered this, and was hurt by it. The 'shame' relates to how it may have affected her own feelings of self-worth.

 

_{Chorus: Hard as diamonds were the words, I think changing the next line from threw at, I don’t think throwing diamonds would cut much, but they might scratch some things up like illusions.  Good point, although things like diamond drills cut through objects. But I'll consider your observation. There are other ways the idea can be expressed.  I think if you reverse the order of the next two lines.  Interestingly, I kept switching those lines around before settling on the present form. Carry the thought of illusions with the next line being, I’d had about myself and love.  They cut through the delusion, hard as diamonds, made my vision crystal clear.   Vision or something other than stupidity,   I think keeps the metaphor going, moving forward and strengthens the flow better Yes, I was hesitant about using 'stupidity', though I wanted to connect between the notion of his foolishiness and his intention mentioned in line 4, V1. It's not an attractive word, though, and definitely should be replaced.}

 

_{Verse three:  Then keep the theme moving with a last line something like†Haunting illusions full of self-delusionsâ€.}

 

_{Bridge:  I’m not sure what exactly, how the book left behind fits in, but if you want to keep the delusion going through, I suggest something to make it on going, something like “ Now I sit and watch as if you’d come through the doorâ€.}  

_{I agree. I wondered whether the sense would be clear in the bridge. The idea was that because the woman had left something valuable (to her) behind, perhaps there was an underlying message that she'd come back to him. That he'd see her again. This is why he keeps his eyes fixed on the door. I see, though, how the bridge might need to be clearer.}

 

_{The hook is then tied in more cohesively.  You can explain so much by adding one line to each verse ending that leads to the next verse.  It ties up everything making it a tighter write and solidifies the fact that you are under some type of delusion which the reader can comprehend easily from start to finish. I'll be looking at this.}

 

_{Other than those few suggestions, I like your rhyme and meter.  Use of language, no one will be stumbling over them, easy to remember and I think over all a good start.  Thank you.}

 

_{I like the premise and can’t wait to see the final edition.  I hope this helps you develop the story line.  This is my first full critique, and is of course my honest opinion. And well done. Honesty is the key.}

 

 

_{Good luck, I enjoyed the read and having the opportunity to give you my feedback.  Jan}

 

_{I'll be back later. Have to rush out to tai chi practice just now.}

 

_Donna

 

 

 

 

Edited October 8, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

hi Donna,

here are my annotations. I DONT HAVE THE FULL EDOTOR HERE.read them all through to get the gist.

Hard As Diamonds

V1

Girl, you smiled and promised

You’d be with me all the way

And I leaned down to kiss you

Thinking there’s still time to play (did your ‘failure’ begin here? If so it’s not as a result of spur of the moment passion, but pre-meditation. Is hypocrisy really the failing and not ‘weakness’?)

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words (hard as in ‘callous’- good!)

You threw at my illusion (what really was the illusion/delusion?)

They cut through the delusion (not being able to live up to what?)

I’d had about myself and love (weakness or hypocrisy?)

Hard as diamonds

Making my stupidity crystal clear (nice link to diamonds)

V3

Girl, I can’t help hoping

One day you’ll return my calls

Until you do I’ll wait here

Like a ghost within these walls (ghost=empty=unseen? Is ‘ghost’ the best description/metaphor? )

Bridge (the bridge idea is good. Is she leaving a way back open?)

You left your favourite book behind

Might that mean something more? ( ‘was it an oversight?â€)

Now I sit and watch the door (in case it was left deliberately )

Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

Hi Rudi, 

 

Thank you for your observations.

 

My responses are below.

 

Donna

 

hi Donna,

here are my annotations. I DONT HAVE THE FULL EDOTOR HERE.read them all through to get the gist.

Hard As Diamonds
V1
Girl, you smiled and promised
You’d be with me all the way
And I leaned down to kiss you
Thinking there’s still time to play (did your ‘failure’ begin here? If so it’s not as a result of spur of the moment passion, but pre-meditation. Is hypocrisy really the failing and not ‘weakness’?) Indeed, both can be seen as part of the skewed perspective he has of love/commitment. 

Chorus
Hard as diamonds were the words (hard as in ‘callous’- good!) I'm thinking more as in 'realistic', hard-hitting, a wake-up call, etc.  
You threw at my illusion (what really was the illusion/delusion?) I agree, this needs to be made clearer. Jan touches on it as well. 
They cut through the delusion (not being able to live up to what?) The notion I had was of him thinking he was beyond norms of decency and honesty in a relationship. 
I’d had about myself and love (weakness or hypocrisy?) Both, for sure. This could be made clearer.
Hard as diamonds
Making my stupidity crystal clear (nice link to diamonds) Thanks. I was hoping the diamond-crystal link would be evident.

V3
Girl, I can’t help hoping
One day you’ll return my calls
Until you do I’ll wait here
Like a ghost within these walls (ghost=empty=unseen? Is ‘ghost’ the best description/metaphor? ) Nope. It was a throw-away word simply to put something in there for the time being.


Bridge (the bridge idea is good. Is she leaving a way back open?)  Ah, nice that you got that. Yes, he hopes desperately that there's a hidden message, and that she'll come back for the book, and he can persuade her to stay.
You left your favourite book behind
Might that mean something more? ( ‘was it an oversight?â€) Maybe, but he's hoping it was intentional.
Now I sit and watch the door (in case it was left deliberately ) Exactly.

Rudi

[Kel]

Critique: Hard As Diamonds

 

Hi Donna,

 

I will be presenting a detailed critique of your lyrics based upon my understanding of the techniques, tools and craft of writing successful lyrics. By successful, I mean that in my opinion, a listener of the genre/style presented would enjoy what they are hearing, that an A&R representative would give at least a second glance, and that an artist of that genre/style would be agreeable to perform/record. Again, the following ideas, hints, thoughts etc are all my opinion. I deliberately have not looked at your lyrics prior to having them assigned to me.

 

Title

A quick Google search suggests your title is original. It evokes a certain feeling in me that this song will be about somebody who is tough, or is in tough circumstances. It draws me in, wondering which it will be, or something else entirely. It is interesting. This suggests to me an A&R rep is likely to give this a chance. You are in the door, so to speak.

 

Form

The form chosen, ABABCB is probably the most common song form used by successful songs in the current market. This is a good sign, that your lyrics may be appreciated by listeners because they will be presented in a format they are accustomed to hearing. At this stage, I believe an A&R rep will take a closer look at what you have presented.

 

Chorus

I've chosen to examine the chorus first because this is where your title should be, and it should be presented in a position of strength, usually the last line, the first line, or both. It is usually a good idea to use the title in a lyrical and melodic hook, a catchy way that will stick in the listener's ear.

 

By using the title in the first line of the chorus, you have chosen a strong placement. Being at the beginning of the chorus presents the listener with the title early, and if only half listening, they a likely to pay more attention to the remainder of your chorus. Repetition of the title is usually a good thing, and by using it in the penultimate line, I think you have lost a little of the strength of the last line, and the chance to tie it in with a catchy melodic hook. A composer may be able to overcome the latter.

 

I'll bring up the subject of punctuation here... sometimes strategic use of a pause, can say a lot more than an entire line. I always find myself re-reading lyrics with no punctuation, because I can only guess at what the writer is trying to convey.

 

My understanding of the chorus is that “she†said something quite harsh and snapped “him†back to reality, and the realisation he had been “stupidâ€.

 

If that is what you intended, so far so good.

 

The rhyming words “illusion†and “delusion†work well in this context. I see two separate sentences, the first finishing at “illusionâ€, the second at “love.†You have then begun another sentence with your title, but the sentence doesn't make sense, to me.

 

Hard as diamonds making my stupidity crystal clear.

 

Hard as diamonds, they made my stupidity crystal clear.

 

I have added a comma, and “they†to tie the “words†from the first line back in.

 

I know you are unlikely to pitch this song to me to sing, but if you did, I wouldn't.

 

Would George Straight sing this song? Tim McGraw? Robby Williams? Tom Jones?

 

I would suggest they would all turn it down. How many songs do these or any other non-singer/songwriter artists sing that presents them as stupid?

 

This is something I have been guilty of over and over again, writing lyrics that put the singer in a bad light. They won't do it. Johnny Noname at the local pub might, but you probably won't be pitching to him either.

 

My suggestion would be to eliminate any suggestion of stupidity. There are plenty of alternatives, learn a hard lesson, took the wind out of my sails, knocked me out of my boots, gave me lots to think about... I'm sure you can come up with something other than stupidity.

 

I would also suggest using this particular line as the second last, and finish with a line using your title. Best place possible, first and last line of the chorus! Winner!

 

Verses

You have maintained consistency with single word followed by a comma though I question the repetiition of “Girl†each time. I would ask you to consider alternatives.

 

The ABCB rhyme scheme is consistent in all verses and different to the chorus, all to the good.

 

I look at your lyrics and I see the verses and the chorus appear about the same in line length. I'm not talking about specifics of syllables or stressed syllables, just how they look on the page.

 

Rather than another couple of lines of a similar length, I would ask you to consider using much shorter lines which will break the flow and force a listener to re-engage.

 

I'm also not sold on the content. Looking at specifics, the guy tried to kiss her. It's not really enough for her to go off the deep end unless there are other things in play, which you haven't hinted at. Why would she leave him (lines 1 and 2 say they are together, a couple) when all he's done is lean down to kiss her?

 

Similarly, why is kissing her risking everything they shared? I don't get it.

 

Genre may play a part here. An “adult contemporary†or “country†audience would pull this apart and scatter it to the winds, in my opinion, where a dance music audience wouldn't care less as long as the beat was there.

 

To me, the first and second chorus contradict each other. I suggest you look at that.

 

Bridge

I find the use of a three line bridge very interesting. Were you deliberately trying to create an unstable feeling here? If so, I don't think you've managed it, your third line brought resolution to the tension. If you want unresolved tension, don't have him just sit and watch the door, it's too submissive in my opinion.

 

To me this bridge section is where he realises his mistake, comes to some understanding, makes a resolve never to do it again... it's his personal growth otherwise he is a loser, and nobody wants to hear about a loser, much less sing a song that makes them out as a loser.

 

Summary

 

At first glance, everything seems to fit. It's only under close examination it seems to unravel in my opinion.

 

In my mind what doesn't work is:

 

First and Second verse don't add up. All he's done is tried to kiss somebody who as promised to be with him all the way. I would suggest you either change the scenario so this kiss is obviously unwanted. Ie the first 2 lines.

 

Pre-Chorus – too much of what has come before it, and what comes after it. Try something short and sharp to snap attention back for the chorus.

 

Chorus – killed by the last line, making the singer out to be stupid. Give him some room for growth, not just saying how stupid he is.

 

Bridge – this is where the singer can snap out of it, or realise how he done wrong and resolve never to do it again. Staring forlornly at a closed door holding an old book is what a loser would do, and nobody you'd want to sing it, would.

 

 

In my mind, what works is:

 

Title – interesting and original

Form – used in a lot of successful songs in the current market – familiar.

Chorus – use of title in the first line is strong.

Rhyme – consistency is maintained.

 

Again, these thoughts, ideas, suggestions and technical tips are all my opinion and based upon my understanding of the craft.

 

While this critique is quite detailed, there are really only a couple of places that I think a change should be considered. I look forward to seeing what happens.

 

Cheers,

 

Kel

[DonnaMarilyn]

Kel, thank you too for an excellent and detailed critique. Much appreciated. I'll be going through all the points at length later, when it's time to revise, but first I'll respond quickly below. 

 

Donna

 

Critique: Hard As Diamonds

 

Hi Donna,

 

I will be presenting a detailed critique of your lyrics based upon my understanding of the techniques, tools and craft of writing successful lyrics. By successful, I mean that in my opinion, a listener of the genre/style presented would enjoy what they are hearing, that an A&R representative would give at least a second glance, and that an artist of that genre/style would be agreeable to perform/record. Again, the following ideas, hints, thoughts etc are all my opinion. I deliberately have not looked at your lyrics prior to having them assigned to me.

 

Title

A quick Google search suggests your title is original. It evokes a certain feeling in me that this song will be about somebody who is tough, or is in tough circumstances. It draws me in, wondering which it will be, or something else entirely. It is interesting. This suggests to me an A&R rep is likely to give this a chance. You are in the door, so to speak.

 

Form

The form chosen, ABABCB is probably the most common song form used by successful songs in the current market. This is a good sign, that your lyrics may be appreciated by listeners because they will be presented in a format they are accustomed to hearing. At this stage, I believe an A&R rep will take a closer look at what you have presented.

 

Chorus

I've chosen to examine the chorus first because this is where your title should be, and it should be presented in a position of strength, usually the last line, the first line, or both. It is usually a good idea to use the title in a lyrical and melodic hook, a catchy way that will stick in the listener's ear.

 

By using the title in the first line of the chorus, you have chosen a strong placement. Being at the beginning of the chorus presents the listener with the title early, and if only half listening, they a likely to pay more attention to the remainder of your chorus. Repetition of the title is usually a good thing, and by using it in the penultimate line, I think you have lost a little of the strength of the last line, and the chance to tie it in with a catchy melodic hook. A composer may be able to overcome the latter. Good point. I'll look at this. 

 

I'll bring up the subject of punctuation here... sometimes strategic use of a pause, can say a lot more than an entire line. I always find myself re-reading lyrics with no punctuation, because I can only guess at what the writer is trying to convey.

 

My understanding of the chorus is that “she†said something quite harsh and snapped “him†back to reality, and the realisation he had been “stupidâ€.

 

If that is what you intended, so far so good. The harsh words she spoke were in relation to his behaviour, which had been questionable (e.g. cheating on her). From what you say later, though, it seems this wasn't made clear enough. 

 

The rhyming words “illusion†and “delusion†work well in this context. I see two separate sentences, the first finishing at “illusionâ€, the second at “love.†You have then begun another sentence with your title, but the sentence doesn't make sense, to me.

 

Hard as diamonds making my stupidity crystal clear. Ah yes, a strategically placed comma would be useful.

 

Hard as diamonds, they made my stupidity crystal clear. This would also work. 

 

I have added a comma, and “they†to tie the “words†from the first line back in.

 

I know you are unlikely to pitch this song to me to sing, but if you did, I wouldn't.

 

Would George Straight sing this song? Tim McGraw? Robby Williams? Tom Jones?

 

I would suggest they would all turn it down. How many songs do these or any other non-singer/songwriter artists sing that presents them as stupid? I agree absolutely. I didn't like the word at the time. It's intended as a placeholder.  

 

This is something I have been guilty of over and over again, writing lyrics that put the singer in a bad light. They won't do it. Johnny Noname at the local pub might, but you probably won't be pitching to him either.

 

My suggestion would be to eliminate any suggestion of stupidity. There are plenty of alternatives, learn a hard lesson, took the wind out of my sails, knocked me out of my boots, gave me lots to think about... I'm sure you can come up with something other than stupidity. Definitely. 

 

I would also suggest using this particular line as the second last, and finish with a line using your title. Best place possible, first and last line of the chorus! Winner! Will certainly bear this in mind. 

 

Verses

You have maintained consistency with single word followed by a comma though I question the repetiition of “Girl†each time. I would ask you to consider alternatives. I agree. I was going to place brackets around 'Girl' to indicate that it was optional. I prefer not to use 'girl' myself. I'd leave it up to the composer/vocalist.

 

The ABCB rhyme scheme is consistent in all verses and different to the chorus, all to the good.

 

I look at your lyrics and I see the verses and the chorus appear about the same in line length. I'm not talking about specifics of syllables or stressed syllables, just how they look on the page.

 

Rather than another couple of lines of a similar length, I would ask you to consider using much shorter lines which will break the flow and force a listener to re-engage. I'll look at this. 

 

I'm also not sold on the content. Looking at specifics, the guy tried to kiss her. Ah, this indicates V1 isn't clear. It's not that he tried to kiss her. It's that at a strategic point in the relationship - maybe even at their wedding - the woman made a strong commitment to the guy. He in turn, while being glad of her commitment, still had plans to mess around on her. It's not really enough for her to go off the deep end unless there are other things in play, which you haven't hinted at. I need to make things clearer. I'd hoped it was obvious in line 4 of V1, and in V2. Why would she leave him (lines 1 and 2 say they are together, a couple) when all he's done is lean down to kiss her? No, as I explained, it was much more than that.

 

Similarly, why is kissing her risking everything they shared? I don't get it. I get it. I need to spell it out more clearly.

 

Genre may play a part here. An “adult contemporary†or “country†audience would pull this apart and scatter it to the winds, in my opinion, where a dance music audience wouldn't care less as long as the beat was there.

 

To me, the first and second chorus contradict each other. I suggest you look at that.

 

Bridge

I find the use of a three line bridge very interesting. Were you deliberately trying to create an unstable feeling here? Yes. If so, I don't think you've managed it, your third line brought resolution to the tension. I felt that his own tension - e.g. eyes glued to the door type of thing - contributed to the tension. But I'll look at this in more detail. If you want unresolved tension, don't have him just sit and watch the door, it's too submissive in my opinion. Yes, I see how I could create a more dynamic last line/image.

 

To me this bridge section is where he realises his mistake, comes to some understanding, makes a resolve never to do it again... it's his personal growth otherwise he is a loser, and nobody wants to hear about a loser, much less sing a song that makes them out as a loser. Agreed.

 

Summary

 

At first glance, everything seems to fit. It's only under close examination it seems to unravel in my opinion.

 

In my mind what doesn't work is:

 

First and Second verse don't add up. All he's done is tried to kiss somebody No, it's much more than that, as I've explained above. who as promised to be with him all the way. I would suggest you either change the scenario so this kiss is obviously unwanted. Ie the first 2 lines. 

 

Pre-Chorus – too much of what has come before it, and what comes after it. Try something short and sharp to snap attention back for the chorus. I'll look at this as well.

 

Chorus – killed by the last line, making the singer out to be stupid. Give him some room for growth, not just saying how stupid he is. I'll examine this too. Though I feel if the singer is describing himself as lacking in any way (not necessarily 'stupid'), it doesn't mean the reader/listener will perceive him that way. On the contrary, to the listener it might indicate that the guy has grown up, and deeply regrets his behaviour - hence making him sympathetic. I'd love to hear what what others feel about this.

 

Bridge – this is where the singer can snap out of it, or realise how he done wrong and resolve never to do it again. Staring forlornly at a closed door holding an old book is what a loser would do, and nobody you'd want to sing it, would.

I'll be looking at the bridge. 

 

 

In my mind, what works is: Thanks!

 

Title – interesting and original

Form – used in a lot of successful songs in the current market – familiar.

Chorus – use of title in the first line is strong.

Rhyme – consistency is maintained.

 

Again, these thoughts, ideas, suggestions and technical tips are all my opinion and based upon my understanding of the craft.

 

While this critique is quite detailed, there are really only a couple of places that I think a change should be considered. I look forward to seeing what happens.

 

Cheers,

 

Kel

Edited October 8, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Kel]

Hi Donna,

 

I'm glad you've not been overwhelmed by the sheer length of the critique. Detail tends to be long, after all.

 

I read the other critiques AFTER I wrote this, and there are a couple of common themes. Funnily enough, neither Rudi nor I seemed to get your "hint" at the back story.

 

I think this is one of the big differences between song lyrics and poetry. Somebody who reads poetry will study each and every word and line for any last nuance of understanding. Somebody listening to a song on the other hand, is often distracted by "life" and is at best only half listening. I attended a seminar by Ralph Murphy (ASCAP Vice President, Murphy's Laws of Songwriting, successful multi-genre songwriter for 5 decades) and he suggested that the human physiology is unable to "listen" to complex lyrics and melody at the same time, and when push comes to shove will always revert to the melody. Hence one of his "Laws" is to make it obvious what you are talking about. I think so many of us missing your back story reinforces Ralph's theory.

 

Cheers for now,

Kel

[JDHarris]

Hi Donna

 

Kel, I thought did a more comprehensive critique, excellent.   I think he covered everything even what works and what doesn't.  I didn't cover those mainly because I don't know what works and doesn't. Why he does not feel it would be picked up by an artist, I never thought about that sort of thing before.  I have learned a lot from his critique of your lyrics.      

 

Looking forward to the final version

 

Jan

 

. 

Edited October 8, 2013 by JDHarris

[Kel]

Hi Donna

 

Kel, I thought did a more comprehensive critique, excellent.   I think he covered everything even what works and what doesn't.  I didn't cover those mainly because I don't know what works and doesn't. Why he does not feel it would be picked up by an artist, I never thought about that sort of thing before.  I have learned a lot from his critique of your lyrics.      

 

Looking forward to the final version

 

Jan

 

. 

Thanks Jan. You however, mentioned points I hadn't even considered, and such is life I guess. That is why at least 2 critiques are always good to receive.

 

Kel

Edited October 9, 2013 by Kel

[DonnaMarilyn]

UPDATE: Newest version at the bottom of this thread.

---------------------------------------

After a first read-through and quick response to Jan and Kel's excellent comments a few days ago, I took a break before going over them again today and reading my lyric. It's much clearer to me now where the 'trouble spots' are, and why they need fixing.

 

Rudi made helpful comments as well, though he didn't actually have to critique my lyric.

 

Here's my first revision. It's far from the final one, I know. The bridge - among other things - still needs re-thinking.

 

I'm not happy with the chorus either. I feel it's convoluted. I look forward to the feedback on it.

 

I've tried to take fully into account all points that were made.

 

Jan

 

What I've done:

- rewritten and extended the verses, and clarified ambiguity regarding the delusion, and why the woman left;

- switched the illusion/delusion lines in the chorus;

- removed the word 'stupidity' in the chorus (Thank goodness. I hated it as well. );

- changed the bridge.

 

Kel

 

Pre-chorus

- You recommended short and sharp. I've tried to do that, though I feel it needs a bit of detail to create that bridge between verses and chorus. I think the information stands alone (i.e. doesn't just continue from the verses) and snaps attention back for the chorus. Naturally, I'm open to other possibilities.

 

Chorus

- no sign of 'stupidity';

- title/hook now in the last line as well;

- uneven number of lines, for variety and sense of unstability;

- lines of slightly varying lengths;

- the first and second chorus no longer contradict each other in terms of the verses.

 

Bridge

- rewritten to make it positive and to give the singer an active role;

- I did feel the original 3-line bridge was unstable, and that's what I was aiming for; however, I've made it 4 lines now, as the singer is in a stable, committed frame of mind, in contrast to what he describes in the verses;

 

Verses

- rewritten and extended, with slightly varying line lengths;

- ambiguity clarified;

- word 'girl' removed.

 

Rudi

- ambiguity clarified;

- verses rewritten; no sign of word 'ghost' .

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hard As Diamonds  (Revision #1)

 

V1

You promised as the organ played

You'd be with me all the way

And I leaned to you smiling

Fingers crossed behind my back

Whispered I'd be faithful too

Always true and kind to you

But knowing I had secrets by the stack

 

Pre-chorus

Didn't blame you leaving

Fed up with my deceiving

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my delusion

They drilled through the illusions

I'd had about myself and love

Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop

The unsparing words you used

Were hard as diamonds

 

 V2

I knew which boundaries were set

None were easy to forget

But I went on to push them

Risking everything we’d shared

Playing by two sets of rules

Now I know I played the fool

Took advantage of how much you cared

 

Pre-chorus

Didn't blame you leaving

Fed up with my deceiving

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my delusion

They drilled through the illusions

 

I'd had about myself and love

Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop

The unsparing words you used

Were hard as diamonds

 

Bridge

I want you here again

There'll be no more tears again

Took a while but I awoke

Now I'll keep promises I broke

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds were the words

You threw at my delusion

They drilled through the illusions

I'd had about myself and love

Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop

The unsparing words you used

Were hard as diamonds

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited October 13, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Kel]

Hi Donna,

 

For the most part I think you've done a great job with the rewrite. I love the new Pre-Chorus!

 

The chorus in my opinion should have a resolution to the instability created by the verses. I'm not too sure about having no set rhyming scheme other than delusion/illusions. 

 

Hard as diamonds cutting glass

You scoffed at my delusion

Then drilled through the illusions

I'd had about myself, and what I'd done.

Crystal clear,unsparing barbs

You showed up my delusion

And shattered my illusion

I had about myself, you were hard as diamonds.

 

You will note the second half of my suggested chorus almost mirrors the first half, but has "her" really giving him a workover, but I think is full of imagery through the use of metaphor, making "Her" hard as diamonds, not what she said.

 

Of course, it is merely a suggestion and gives more strength to "her" rather than her words. Words have no strength, it's the person speaking them that has the strength.

 

Instead of the bridge pleading with her to come back, I think it would put him in a better more sympathetic eye if he came clean and apologised for his deceipt, lies, arrogance etc and realises he's lost his chance, but wishes her well.

 

Use or discard as you choose,

 

Cheers,

Kel

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thank you for the feedback, Kel.

I’ve changed both sections on the basis of your suggestions.

 

In the chorus, however, though I agree it's the person who has strength rather than words themselves, I prefer to keep the words as the active agent. I don’t want the woman to be seen as ‘hard’. She’s simply become strong enough to confront him with the truth about himself, and to leave, keeping her own dignity/integrity. Her words aren’t ‘barbs’ in the sense of a meanness intended to hurt out of spite, but are truths aimed at showing him he hasn’t really got away with anything.

 

Chorus: At first, I had an uneven number of lines, but decided to drop the 'illusion' line, as it was simply repetition. How do you feel about  the fact that the only rhyme is in lines 4 & 5?

 

Bridge: I like your idea of having him face up to his behaviour, and letting her go with grace.

 

Further feedback is more than welcome, especially regarding the bridge. For one thing, it's longer than I like a bridge to be.

 

Donna

 

Hard As Diamonds  (Revision #2/3) (12.10.2013)(new bridge/tweaked chorus)

 

V1

You promised as the organ played

You'd be with me all the way

[And] I leaned to you smiling

Fingers crossed behind my back

Whispered I'd be faithful too

Always true and kind to you

But knowing I had secrets by the stack

 

Pre-chorus

Didn't blame you leaving

Fed up with my deceiving

 

Chorus

Hard as diamonds cutting glass

You drilled through the delusion

I’d had about myself and love

With crystal clear, unsparing words

You left no implication blurred

Those truths were hard as diamonds

 

 V2

I knew the boundaries you set

None were easy to forget

[but] I went on to push them

Risking everything we’d shared

Playing with two sets of rules

Now I know I played the fool

And took advantage of how much you cared

 

Pre-chorus

Didn't blame you leaving

Fed up with my deceiving

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

I know now what I had and lost

For my arrogance, my see-through lies

For every hurt, I apologise

 

Chorus (x 2)

 

Coda

If you were in my life once more

I'd never do what I did before

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited October 15, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Kel]

Hi Donna,

 

I like your restructured chorus and feel it conveys the meaning you are after.

 

I agree the bridge is a little long, I'll mull over that as I continue...

 

I've just noticed that your lyrics no longer conform to the requirements of the challenge, in as much as there are only two verses, and the brief was for three! Maybe John can clarify if the rewrites need to conform to the requirements of the first draft?

 

I've had a detailed look at the rhythm and meter of your two verses and there are a couple of points where verse 2 doesn't work within what was set up in verse 1, in my opinion.

 

You promised as the organ played

You'd be with me all the way

[And] I leaned to you smiling

Fingers crossed behind my back

Whispered I'd be faithful too

Always true and kind to you

But knowing I had secrets by the stack

 

I knew which boundaries were set

None were easy to forget

[but] I went on to push them

Risking everything we’d shared

Playing by with two sets of rules

Now I know I played the fool

Took advantage of how much you cared

 

V1L1 You promised as the organ played

V2L1 I knew which boundaries were set

           

V1L1 You promised as the organ played

V2L1 I didn't stay in bound'ries set 

 

V1L7 But knowing I had secrets by the stack

V2L7 And took advantage of how much you cared

 

In verse 2 you'll see I suggest changing by to with, simply because of how much more it flows. One word, one syllable, yet sometimes another word is simply easier to say/sing than another.

 

Bridge:

My arrogance, my see-through lies

For all this, I apologise

I clearly see how much I had and lost...

 

I think the last 2 lines of your bridge might work as a coda, between the repeat of the chorus and a fade out, but I don't think they belong here, they sound hopeful and don't really fit the tone of this bridge.

 

Again, just observations and my suggestions. I'll message John about the finished product's requirements.

 

Cheers

Kel

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks, Kel. In the meantime, I've changed two words in line 1, V2 (in green), to make the action active rather than passivle. 

 

I've adopted 'with' rather than 'by'. Though 'play by the rules' is the idiom, the word 'with' makes it a little more dynamic. Good call. 

 

I've added 'And' in line 7, V2, to match the metering. In general, I try not to use too many connecting words (e.g. 'and', 'but'), but they too have a role to play.

 

As regards the proposed new line 1, V2, I'm still pondering an alternative. I feel that 'I didn't stay in bound'ries set' doesn't flow easily (sensewise) into 'none were easy to forget'. I'll continue to mull over lines 1 & 2 with a view to matching the metering.

 

The bridge suggestions are good.I didn't intend those last lines to indicate hope - they were simply his statement of fact. However, I see how they might be perceived as hopeful.

 

Wondering whether to reverse the lines in the bridge?

 

I know now what I had and lost

For every hurt, I apologise

My arrogance, my see-through lies

 

UPDATE: Meanwhile, I've done another line switcheroo in the bridge.

 

 

Oh dear! I totally forgot about having three verses. I hope that restructuring for a revision means the original structure can be done away with.  Creating a third verse here would make it much too long, and it would be a pity to have to dissect what's already here. But we'll see.

 

Donna

Edited October 13, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Kel]

Hi Donna,

 

All very good. Good call with the bridge, I like it.

 

I've written John re the requirements.

 

Cheers,

 

Kel

[JDHarris]

Hi Donna, sorry it has taken me so long to get back, I've been busy for two days preparing for and then hosting our family Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. 

 

I like what you have done with this lyric and restructured chorus, yes I think it conveys what you originally wanted to say.   

 

But where's the missing verse.  I see Kel is checking with John about this, but I suggest, Have one ready just in case.

 

Nice rewrite.

 

Jan

[Kel]

The tight requirements were only for the first draft.

 

Kel