Challenge #16 - Model Husband

[Rudi]

As usual, I set aside 10 minutes to do this. Sadly, it took four goes and over two hours. Writing this damned thing has been like pulling teeth AAAAAGHHHH!!!

 

Model Husband

 

V1

She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf

Deep inside her mind, where you’ll also find

a model there of me, and all her family

in a kind of dolls house in the sun

it feels kind of strange, to be posed and arranged

underneath her thumb

 

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had

Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding

Upon our every action, for any small infraction

Real or imagined noted down

Standing at my shoulder, every word he told her

In her model town

 

pre- chorus:

the only problem being..

 

chorus:

Every time someone gets out of step

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses

The Russian doll inside won’t be mollified

Until we all align to the model in her mind

 

 

 

Bridge:

Ultimately, I would dearly like to help

But her model of me clearly is a clueless whelp

I’m not getting through, no matter I do

To be that model husband

 

 

 

V3

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used promises and bribes, inducements as she scribed…

Her signature and cross, weeping and embossed

And never looked at me again

That’s the way it was, and it was all because

She’s in denial of her end

 

pre- chorus:

the biggest problem being..

 

chorus:

Every time someone gets out of step

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses

The Russian doll inside won’t be mollified

Until we all align with the model in her mind

 

 

Rudi         7-10-2013

Edited October 7, 2013 by Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

I thoroughly enjoyed this lyric, Rudi.

 

Bear in mind my suggestions are purely subjective, so keep or sweep.

 

(Sorry if the rambling is a bit erratic. I'm coming down with a cold, so feeling a little fuzzy-brained.)

 

The title drew me in. However, it's used only in the bridge, so the verses and chorus don't relate strongly to the 'model husband' idea (other than in line 3, V1). I'd suggest giving the hook a prominent, stronger position within the lyric.

 

Strong opening line in the first verse.

 

The lyric flows well, due in part to the internal rhymes. And it's an intriguing story, which the details build up nicely.

 

The rhyme scheme in the verses is consistent, and altered nicely in the bridge.

 

The pre-chorus is concise and bridges the verse and chorus effectively.

 

I feel that the bridge could be more dynamic/less predictable if the internal rhyme there were dropped. You don't want too much of a good thing - plus the lyric begins to sound - at least to me - a bit Dr. Seuss-like.

 

I think too that the bridge basically follows on from the verses and chorus, and doesn't provide a strong enough contrast, a forward movement. We already know that nothing the man or the family do will make any difference to the woman.

 

Suggestion for line 2 in the bridge: place 'clearly' after 'is' for a smoother flow.

 

Further to the bridge: I feel it would be better placed after the second chorus, especially if you re-work it to be more dynamic. This is the point at which the listener will want to hear something new lyrically or/and melodically.

 

V1: Good concrete description. Nice use of metaphor. I suggest not repeating 'kind of' in line 5. I like the irony in '...a model of her dad, the one she never had'.

 

The short line 6 (and in each verse) is effective. Its abruptness is unexpected, and so the image is more memorable. The shortness emphasises the unstability, the tension.

The shorter line 4 in the verses is also effective. The reader/listener is carried from the broader statements to a kind of summing up.

 

V2: Detailed descriptions, keeping reader interest.

 

On a third read-through, I began to feel perhaps the verses were too busy, with an over-abundance of details (not easy for the listener to assimilate, especially as the lines run into each other). However, the genre/musical treatment would play a big role in terms of accessibility. I could envisage this as cabaret. Use of the $10 words would also work (e.g. scribed, whelp, mollified, etc. )

 

The simple chorus is effective, with each line holding a single thought/image.

Not sure though about having internal rhymes in lines 4 and 5.

I feel the chorus is strong, and definitely catchy.

 

V3: The metering here becomes somewhat erratic, as do the descriptions (e.g. weeping and embossed). I feel the extra syllables in line 6 weaken the impact. Line 6 here isn't as strong as in V1 & 2. It's also not clear what 'She's in denial of her end' means. (Something like 'but at her end, she's in denial'?) Suggest looking again at V3.

 

If anything else springs to mind, I'll come back. I tend to do that anyway with critiques.

 

Overall, I think this is a compelling, unusual lyric, and well done for only 2+ hours. A little tightening up in places and another look at V3 will strengthen it, I think.

 

Donna 

Edited October 9, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Vagdavercustis]

Hi Rudi,

 

I'm going to do my best for this critique.
I'm not so into the technical stuff of writing (still learning all of it) but I give it a shot 
It are just my thoughts and emotions on it! (and sorry for any spelling errors!)
So here I go!

The title:

I don't know what to expect if I read your title. That's verry good (imo)!
A listener wants to know what's behind the title. Is it about a model husband, is it about finding a model husband, ... You get the point It's a original title and I like it but it doesn't appear in your chorus.
You just use it once in your bridge. The song revolves around the girl, not around the model husband.
So why not pick a title that refers to the girl like 'Russian doll'?
It's still an original title that sets a listener to finding out more (imo).

 

The structure:

I always thought a bridge was at the end of a lyric.
So I was surprised finding it before verse 3. It's not a bad thing I guess, it just surprised me.

 

Theme and message:

It reminds me of the younger me.
If anything or anyone didn't do what I expected them to do I just totally freaked out.
I just began to shout, scream, throwing and smashing things. I just wanted to have some control over things and persons in my life because I was in a really bad place in my mind and life on that point.
So I get the message, loud and clear. And the 'husband' doesn't fit her expectations so she just pushes him away and he feels pretty useless than. It's a little bit like a sad lovestory. 
But it's a message that people think about and they're going to read/listen again and again.
Or it least I have

 

Verses:

Every line has a rhyme into it. It reads really flowing and natural.
Lines 4 and 6 don't rhyme and are shorter. I find that a good thing so it isn't all the same troughout the verses. A little chance in between is good! It keeps the reading surprising and not boring.
A few words I didn't understand so I translated them. Nothing bad to you, that's just my lack of English grammar. But others that would listen to it and aren't so perfect in English as me would have the same problem.
I don't understand the last line in your 3 verse:
She's in denial of her end.

Is she dying? Or am I missing something?
It's just not clear to me and leaves me with a confusing feeling after the read.
 

 

Pre-chorus and bridge:

The pre-chorus is short but strong. I like it, no need to change it for me.
The bridge: you bring something new to the song, so that's good.
You have the title in here. But a title must stand out for me out of the song and it doesn't here for me.
 

 

Chorus:

Maybe instead of 'she sulks, she spouts'  'she fight, she lies'
Sounds better to me and easyer to understand... it's just a suggestion. Keep it or leave it


So in general I like it a lot. Some troubles with some words but I know what they mean now so I've learned something again today
Maybe think over the tittle. But all the rest I like.
Maybe I oversee things that other people do see. But as said, I just lack some technical side of writing to critique everything. All I can do is my best.

Keep up the good work!! I enjoyed this one!

[Rudi]

Goldy & Vagda

 

We are together again! Sort of anyway.

 

I have to hand it to John. He got everybody working hard. He sure has me working hard too.

 

I can honestly say, without any doubt whatsoever, that your two critiques are the best Ive ever had.

 

Most of them are usually too 'nice'. You've given me stuff to think about. You agree about some things too, so they will be a priority for me.

 

The thing is I work in the dark most of the time (no genuine feedback). My darling better half (also called Jan) has no clue about anything musical whatsoever. All but one of my band-mates are not interested in original music, and the one who is takes it less seriously than me.

 

Its particularly good that you concentrate on what you are good at offering. I really need an 'emotive type response' to what I do and some plain speaking too.

 

Yes. Sometimes I search desperately for words and they can end up being $10 ones (Is that right Jan?). SO I should try not to use them and keep it simpler most of the time.

 

You are right about the bridge and verse 3.  I did these last when I was tired, drained and desperate to finish.

 

The odd "She's in denial of her end" is something I couldnt expect anyone to understand, so it needs changing. It is an observation I have made about some people who think they are going to 'live forever'. It was just a such a struggle and ordeal to end the thing. So much so that I have been unable to look at before reading your critiques.

 

Thank you both sincerely.  I have to work on a Critique for Kel next. Then I will revisit 'Model Husband'.  (I did consider calling it 'Russian Doll' at some stage.)

 

 

Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

I'm pleased my comments have been useful, Rudi.

 

Donna  (not Goldy )

[Vagdavercustis]

It's a relief to hear that my critique has been helpfull!
I'm really not so good in it so I hope it's also good enough for John

I know the feeling of writing in the dark. My boyfriend supports me in what I do but he doesnt know anything about writing. But the fact he supports me is enough.
That's why I'm glad I found this forum. I've been learning so much on here

I'm curious what will come out of your lyric with the critiques of me and Donna!

[Rudi]

I'm pleased my comments have been useful, Rudi.

 

Donna  (not Goldy )

 

Donna,

 

I will have to take refuge in the excuse of my advanced age here and apologise profusely.

 

I knew who I meant, but got mixed up anyway.

 

Sorry Donna,

 

Thanks again for your help.

[Rudi]

I'm curious what will come out of your lyric with the critiques of me and Donna!

 

Me too

[Rudi]

Hi ladies.

 

 

Version 2

Model Husband

V1

She keeps a model of herself, upon the mantelpiece

Deep inside her head, where you can also find

a model there of me, and all of her kin

in a kind of open wide dolls house

where we’re pushed and pulled, posed and arranged 

underneath her thumb and gaze

 

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one that never was

Aloof and godlike, judging and assessing

our each and every move, for any violation

Real or imagined recorded  

They stand at my shoulder, barking orders 

In her model village 

 

pre- chorus 1:

the only problem being..

chorus:

Every time someone gets out of step 

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses 

That Russian doll inside won’t be satisfied  

Until we line up with the pattern in her mind  

 

 

Bridge:

I used to think, I would really like to help  

But her model of me is just a slab of clay 

There aint no getting through, no matter what I do 

To become that model husband 

 

 

V3

She carved me out of what she understood 

She formed impressions, with a Stanley knife 

& placed it on a plinth of vital organs 

and never looked at me again  

I can’t see past her blood encrusted apron 

And I miss the girl I wed  

 

Pre-chorus 2

But in the meantime…

Chorus

 

 

RZS 11-10-2013

[Rudi]

Donna, Vagda,

 

I took into account all your points and have implemented many of them.

I played around with establishing a hook, but it didn’t suit the treatment I was going for (either version of them).

 

Bridge after 2^nd chorus idea: The chorus only features twice now, and that would position it at the end of the song which would be a bit weird. Now I’ve said that, the idea seems more appealing?!

 

I have removed all verse rhymes. I have simplified the language, replaced entirely the ‘problem’ end of V3 and more. The Dr. Seus comparison was probably the strongest argument for this.

 

Bridge: Swapped over the ‘clearly is’ part as suggested.

 

The title option (Russian Doll ?) I am convinced that the working title is imperfect.

 

‘Russian Doll’ does tick the box because it sounds like a medley of ‘Living Doll’ & ‘Back In the USSR’.

The truth is I am still undecided. Perhaps ‘Model Wife’ would suit better? I know it doesn’t occur in the lyric but neither does ‘Unchained Melody’ right?

 

“Maybe instead of 'she sulks, she spouts' 'she fight, she lies'†Ah… but we fellers find this less confrontational stuff more awkward to deal with. It has to have sulking in there for the sake of realism.

 

Girls, What do think of about ‘Model Wife’ as a title?

 

Also, if I put the bridge at the end, that would make it a pier right? (A bridge connects things. A pier just extends into the sea and stops.)

 

I am tempted to do it. To be the 1^st person in the history of songwriting to have a ‘pier’.

If you dare me to, I’m doing it.

[Vagdavercustis]

I always put my bridge at the end of my lyric
I don't know why... but I always end with it. 
Your bridge is the conclusion that you never be what she wants you to be...
And it ends with your title. So if that's the last line of your lyric you could keep the title 'model husband' in my opninion. 
I would do verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge.
I'm really not good in the technical stuff but if I listen to my feeling it would be that way.

Maybe Donna has another vision about it.

I liked your first version of verse 3 better than the new one, there's a lot more of emotion into it than now.
Maybe...

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used promises and bribes, inducements as she scribed…

Her signature and cross, weeping and embossed

And never looked at me again

That’s the way it was, and will always be
How I miss the girl I love (I wed)

Just a suggestion. It's your choice at the end.
 

 

[Rudi]

I liked your first version of verse 3 better than the new one, there's a lot more of emotion into it than now.

Maybe...

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used promises and bribes, inducements as she scribed…

Her signature and cross, weeping and embossed

And never looked at me again

That’s the way it was, and will always be

How I miss the girl I love (I wed)

 

 

I see.

 

Well since all the verses were re-written to accommodate stripping out rhymes, simplifying and toughening up, I cant just put back the old V3, without bringing back the old verses too.

 

This aspect of the song is like a house of cards. I cant just tinker around with it, else it will collapse. The whole structure needs integrity and continuity.

 

I might do it, but had better wait to see what Donna thinks before I try.

Otherwise I'm likely to end up as a ping-pong ball here.

 

Thanks Vagda

[DonnaMarilyn]

Hi Rudi,

 

First, just a quick overview and a couple of observations. I need to head out now, but will pop in a bit later to look more closely at individual sections/lines, plus the title.

 

The tightening up has made the images clearer, more accessible. Likewise, the simpler language.

 

1.     Inner rhymes: Oh, I didn’t think you’d remove all of them (barring line 2 in the bridge). Inner rhyming used judiciously is appealing, and I loved the use of them especially in the first two lines of the verses. My problem was that they’d been used in all sections of the lyric in the original version. This then made things predictable, and kept you from wider word choices.

 

I think you could easily reinstate them in lines 1 & 2 of the verses.

They were catchy and conveyed emotion well. I don’t think reinstating them - if you wanted to - would topple the house of cards.

 

2.     A pity we can’t use an AABA structure in this challenge. I think the lyric would work so well in that format, having the first two verses (though with at least one or two lines identical), then the chorus as bridge, and then the third verse.)  This format is particularly effective for cabaret-type tunes. Anyway, back to reality.  I’d suggest having three choruses, with one after V1, thus getting us more quickly to the chorus. That would take care of the bridge dilemma.

 

3.     The metering still needs to be looked at: for instance, the last line in V2 doesn’t scan the same as in V1 & 3. Likewise, the flow in the second-last line in all three verses doesn’t match up.

 

I will return.

 

Donna

Edited October 12, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[DonnaMarilyn]

Okey-doke, this is a follow-on from what I said in my previous post. 

 

For instance (rough example only), using internal rhymes:

 

V1

She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf

Deep in her mind, where you’ll also find

A model of me and the rest of her folk

In this open-plan doll's house safe in the sun

It feels kind of strange, to be posed and arranged

Beneath her gaze and her thumb

 

I think the internal rhymes in lines 1, 2 & 5 work. They don't overwhelm now, and add extra interest. There's also a bit of rhyme resonance between 'arrange' and 'gaze', as well as in the vowel sound in 'folk' and 'open'.

 

I feel that starting the last 3 lines as a separate sentence will give the vocalist space to breathe, and make it simpler for the listener to follow the story. 

Perhaps you could take a similar approach with V2 & 3.

 

Now you need to match up the metering/scansion in each verse, so that the beats in each line fall in the same place as their counterparts. This allows for ease of making a smoothly flowing melody that will be memorable and easy to sing. The vocalist will love you for it. (Especially if the vocalist is yourself. )

 

Regarding the title: I think a hook needs to be repeated in the chorus here, especially as the verses are in a somewhat random flow. A repeated hook would anchor the chorus, and provide contrast to the verses. It would also, ideally, engage the reader's attention and keep her/him with you to the end of the chorus & song.

 

'My Model Wife' would work if you adjusted the chorus.

'My Model Wife' would also - I think - provide a nice ironic twist.

 

 

Each time anyone gets out of step 

My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses 

My model wife simply won’t be satisfied  

Until we align with the pattern in her mind  

 

Might mention though that all those sibilants in lines 1-3 might be difficult for a singer to wrap his voice around.

Also, I don't think there's a strong enough connection between the model wife and the Matriouschka dolls. Hence, a title/hook could easily go into that second-last line.

 

Or alternatively:

My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses

Each time anyone gets out of step 

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses 

My model wife simply won’t be satisfied  

Until we align with the pattern in her mind

 

This gets rid of the long sequence of 's' sounds, and puts the  hook in a stronger position.

 

I hope some of the above is useful. Focusing on your lyric has helped me to remember what I need to watch out for in my own as well.

 

I'll likely keep coming back to add bits and pieces, so maybe check in from time to time in case over the next couple of days I recommend something unspeakably brilliant. 

 

Donna

 

Hi ladies.

 

 

Version 2

Model Husband

V1

She keeps a model of herself, upon the mantelpiece

Deep inside her head, where you can also find

a model there of me, and all of her kin

in a kind of open wide dolls house

where we’re pushed and pulled, posed and arranged 

underneath her thumb and gaze

 

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one that never was

Aloof and godlike, judging and assessing

our each and every move, for any violation  The term 'each and every' is cliche and contains redundancy; 'each' means 'every'.

Real or imagined recorded  

They stand at my shoulder, barking orders 

In her model village 

 

pre- chorus 1:

the only problem being..

chorus:

Every time someone gets out of step Suggest 'somebody', as it flows more smoothly.

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses 

That Russian doll inside won’t be satisfied  

Until we line up with the pattern in her mind  

 

 

Bridge:

I used to think, I would really like to help  The word 'really' drags the line out, but doesn't add to the message. 

But her model of me is just a slab of clay Suggest not using 'model' here, as the word is already in V1 & 2. Try wherever possible - and effective - not to repeat words. Maybe something like 'But to her I was only clay'.

There aint no getting through, no matter what I do The use of 'ain't' is jarring, as the vernacular isn't used elsewhere in the lyric.

To become that model husband Perhaps 'perfect' husband?

 

 

V3 I think this verse gets a bit too visceral. I'll need to ponder it.

She carved me out of what she understood 

She formed Forming impressions, with a Stanley knife I think the present continuous allows for a better flow here. Mind you, if you rearrange lines 1 & 2 in each verse, the wording will change of course. 

& Then placed it on a plinth of vital organs 'Plinth'? At least $15 for that one. Maybe 'slab'? Or for alliteration (as you have with 'placed'/'plinth'), maybe 'set it on a slab'?

and never looked at me again  

I can’t see past her blood encrusted apron I feel this flows awkwardly. 

And I miss the girl I wed  

 

Pre-chorus 2

But in the meantime…

Chorus

 

 

RZS 11-10-2013

Edited October 12, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

My Model Wife

 V1

She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf

Deep inside her mind, where you’ll also find

a model there of me, and all her kin

in a kind of dolls house wedged open wide

where we’re pushed and pulled, posed and arranged 

underneath her thumb and her gaze

 

 pre- chorus 1:

the only problem being..

chorus:

Should any one of us, fall out of step 

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, pouts, and everybody loses 

My model wife will not be mollified  

‘til we shape up to that pattern in her mind  

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had

Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding

Upon our every action, for any violation

Real or imagined noted down

They’re standing at my shoulder, barking orders 

In that model town that she made

 

pre- chorus 2:

the only problem being..

 chorus:

 

 Bridge:

I used to think, I would really like to help  

But she thinks of me as just a piece of clay 

There is no getting through, no matter what I do 

To become that model husband

 

 V3

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used threats and crying, blackmail and lying…

She made me out of what she understood

And never looked at me again

I can’t see beyond the chaos that she made

And I miss the girl I married

 

pre- chorus 1:

 

chorus:

[Rudi]

Donna, Vagda,

 

I have put up version 3 here now re-titled My Model Wife

 

It addresses and re-addresses most all of your points I think.

 

I think its now done. (a bit late if not)

 

I think its better. I have done everything with a headache though, so I cant be absolutely sure until I get over it.

 

If its still not right, do as you both have done so far and tell me. Even if its too late I still want to know your opinion, as you've steered this thing pretty well I think.

 

Thanks for your efforts.

 

Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

Rudi, I hope your headache's gone.

 

Overall, I think you've done a good job. Structure is tighter, details more cohesive, and I have a clearer picture of the situation. It's an interesting - even troubling - story. The emotion and irony now are clearer.

 

I think the new title works. To strengthen the chorus, I wonder whether you could crowbar the hook into line 2?

 

My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses.

 

Entirely up to you, of course.

 

There is still a little inconsistency in terms of metering, but reading the lyric out loud showed that it flowed  nicely. I don't think minor metering variations will present a problem when it comes to melody & vocals.

 

Just a couple more tiny suggestions below.

 

By the way, it's not too late. Still another four days to go.

 

Donna 

 

My Model Wife

 V1

She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf

Deep inside her mind, where you’ll also find

a model there of me, and all her kin

in a kind of dolls house wedged open wide The description 'wedged open wide' doesn't give me a clear image. A door can be wedged open, but not a house, I think. 

where we’re pushed and pulled, posed and arranged 

underneath her thumb and her gaze

 

 pre- chorus 1:

the only problem being..

chorus:

Should any one of us, fall out of step 

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, pouts, and everybody loses 

My model wife will not be mollified  

‘til we shape up to that pattern in her mind  

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had

Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding

Upon our every action, for any violation

Real or imagined noted down

They’re standing at my shoulder, barking orders I know 'they' refers to the wife and the father, but it might not be immediately clear to  listeners. I hesitated here, as I had to determine whether 'they' referred to 'every action' or to the dad/wife. Just thought I'd mention this.

In that model town that she made

 

pre- chorus 2:

the only problem being..

 chorus:

 

 Bridge:

I used to think, I would really like to help  Rather than 'think', which is in the next line, maybe something like 'believe'?

But she thinks of me as just a piece of clay 

There is no getting through, no matter what I do 

To become that model husband

 

 V3

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used threats and crying, blackmail and lying…

She made me out of what she understood

And never looked at me again

I can’t see beyond the chaos that she made

And I miss the girl I married

 

pre- chorus 1:

 

chorus:

Edited October 14, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Vagdavercustis]

You've done a really good job in my opinion
And we still have until friday, so don't worry!
It's reads better now with the rhyme back in it.
Donne made some good suggestions. I have nothing more to say about it.
For me it's a go  
Good job done!!

[Rudi]

Ladies,

 

The headache left me this afternoon. Thanks for asking (It lasted a whole day).

 

I didn’t overlook the 2^ndmodel wife reference in the chorus. I deliberately left it out as it didn’t flow. Also, a strong hook is more suited to a pop song I think.

 

The whole point of the doll’s house reference is that it is must be open. It is open so she can see everyone and move them around. Most dolls houses I have seen are hinged in the middle so they can be opened wide. I have changed it again. I’m not sure it’s for the best?

 

(I had also restored ‘mollified’ as it is the best fit as a meaning.)

 

My Model Wife

 V1

She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf

Deep inside her mind, where you’ll also find

A model there of me, and all her kin

In a dolls house devided into two

Where we’re pushed and pulled, posed and arranged 

Underneath her thumb and her gaze

 

 pre- chorus 1:

the only problem being..

chorus:

Should any one of us, fall out of step 

She cries, she shouts, accuses and abuses 

She sulks, pouts, and everybody loses 

My model wife will not be mollified  

‘til we shape up to that pattern in her mind  

 

V2

She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had

Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding

Upon my every action, for any violation (still want to put ‘small infraction’ back in here)

Real or imagined noted down

See ‘em standing at my shoulder, barking orders

In that model town that she made

 

pre- chorus 2:

the only problem being..

 chorus:

 

 Bridge:

I once thought, I would really like to help

 But she thinks of me as just a piece of clay 

There is no getting through, no matter what I do 

To become that model husband

 

 V3

She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed  

She used threats and crying, blackmail and lying…

She made me out of what she understood

And never looked at me again

I can’t see beyond the chaos that she made

And I miss the girl I married

 

pre- chorus 1:

 

chorus:

[DonnaMarilyn]

Aha! Now I get it, Rudi. I still don't think 'wedged' is the right word in the context, nor is 'divided into two'; makes it sound as though it's been cut down the middle.

 

How about simply:

'In a kind of doll's house opened wide'? 

 

Re leaving out an extra hook in the chorus: Absolutely your prerogative.

 

Re V2: The change doesn't clarify what 'see 'em' refers to - the actions or the wife & dad. 

 

Rudi, what about just having the dad barking the orders, since he seems to be the focus of the verse (you begin with a strong reference to him). 

 

Would this cut it for you?

 

She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had

Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding

Upon my small infractions, or any violation 

Real or imagined noted down

See him standing at my shoulder, barking orders

In that model town that she made

 

Donna

Edited October 14, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn