Need Help With Line - Is This The Right Forum?

[wilmot]

I'm struggling with a line.

 

The meaning of the line should be that I was always aware of the lesson to be learned, but always ignored it (thus dooming myself to keep repeating my mistakes). 

 

The end of it should be "never learned it", for rhyming reasons.

I'd like the beginning to be "always", as a counterpart to "never".

 

To fit with the phrase, it has to be something like "Always ... the lesson, never learned it".

I want it to be "always knew the lesson, never learned it", but I worry that it will be interpreted as if it's the lesson itself that's known (making the whole thing a bit nonsensical) rather than what the lesson is about.

 

Thoughts on this?

Or perhaps possible alternatives to "knew"?

 

Also, if this is the wrong forum for this type of question I'd much appreciate directions to the right one.

[wilmot]

Thanks for the reply!

 

The lyrics critique forum didn't seem like the place for this, since trying to solve a problem rather than get feedback (the lyric isn't nearly finished enough for that).

 

Unfortunately the "it" is part of the rhyme.

 

The only other part that I've committed to paper so far is:

 

   I spent my life long before I earned it

   Barely crossed the bridge before I burned it

 

And there's probably a 

 

   Rarely read a page before I turned it

 

So you see there's sort of a theme going on. (I usually don't go for "clever" this way in my lyrics, but it sort of fits the song).

[wilmot]

Hmm...you may be on to something there.

Perhaps "Each lesson lost before I even learned it"? A bit less tension than in your primary suggestion, but more I think with "even" instead of "ever".

 

You're right of course about the "before" thing, but this particular line was supposed to go before the build up to the first chorus so the extra staccato of "never" was intended as a kind of a feature.

 

Probably I'll have to write the rest of the lyrics before I can chose which way to go (there needs to be at least three or four couplets in all). But now at least I'm no longer stuck - Thanks for the help!

[wilmot]

Finally got the lyrics finished. Thanks for all the help!

In the end, I had to let the lesson theme go, but the main thing was that I got unstuck.

 

This is how they turned out:

 

This Hollow Man

 

Verse

I spent my life long before I earned it

Barely crossed a bridge before I burned it

 

If there was love, I never could discern it

I rarely read the page before I turned it

 

Chorus

This is how my world ends

This is how my world ends

This is how my world ends

 

Verse

I bared my soul, but nothing much concerned it

Some claim I strayed, though no one's yet confirmed it

 

I spent my life long before I earned it

Lived on borrowed time, but won't return it

 

Chorus

This is how my world ends

This is how my world ends

This is how my world ends

 

© Niclas Behre 2014

 

 

Here's a link to the complete track - Sort of a synth pop thing.

 

Edited April 6, 2014 by wilmot