Rap Song/story (Feedback Plz)

[Tekneek]

Just started rhyming so this is me just messin around with a story in mind. the bars really go in and out of the beat so it might be hard to follow without it but oh well let me know what you think

dear journal, September seventeeth

this marks the second record Jordan ever recorded

it too marks the kick start of continuos disappointment for me

so tonight I'm voice it and scream cause I

I have so much hate for the way you gave me no choice, dude

you left me to bath in water that you had boiled

you became the favorite boy, years later it's more of the same

torn between depression vengeance and anger you see

who's dream was it to be able scribble down rhymes and hide in their loosleaf

it was mine but you bein you two up'd me, why

after all that we been through did you choose to steal what I aspired

you hit cruise n drive never looked at the rear view

you hypnotized our family but I see through it

my feelings blew up you coulda defused it

you choose to keep losin your own brotherhood to music

it's over I'm done throwin insults I'm close to snappin

this raps mourning the fact that you threw away what we had Jordan

I stand here closin the chapter of you

closure's the path that I choose I love you but there's somethin I have to do

Jordan, my brother, known to others as famous

all I know is my brother left me and now I hate him

stolen dreams hole in my feelings same crap

cry myself to sleep but tonight I'm comin for payback

Jordan, my brother, known to others as famous

all I know is my brother left me and now I hate him

stolen dreams hole in my feelings same crap

cry myself to sleep but tonight I'm coming for payback

dear journal it's now September 18th

this is the day figured out how I get I closure see

i woke up last night screaming and shit

dream was a gift an now I see what just might be a great plan

they say lightning don't strike twice but chance it could

but before I let that happen I'm makin sure your life is taken for good

so I stake out your party get you alone then I watch as I spike your boozes

hey Jordan ya woozy?

Jordan ya feeling loosy goosy more than you should be

could be all that boozy an the 2 packs of the roofies you consumed with

you begin to slip wobble n fall

I load the clip up,cock it pull the trigger an draw blood

who'd a figured this all would be resolved with a simple shot homicide in a party

it's getting late throw you in shotgun start drivin onwards

get on the freeway all of this almost over say cheese

for the camera snap an the flash goes off jeez

damn we so look good together too bad the police on our ass

I blast Stan by eminem the last track I need to hear ever again

the six minutes is done I pull over and slowly stop

watch as the cops mozy on over throw me hand cuffs

you might think this is sad but only part of the plan cause

the aftermath of the matter was bound to catch up to me an I'd be sad nuff

to dwell with judgement cloudy id plan to

hack up my wrists myself just couldnt wouldn't live with what I'done

so instead of that I choose to get help

waste my days In a mental institute stead of cell, so as the seconds

turn to minutes hours to days

mind refreshes hurt diminishes with the rage

clouds have lifted today so how can I still feel rain

my hate for Jordan is gone now I'm left with memories

as this unfolds the plot thickens n triggers in depth mourning

especially with this clear thought process of my emotions

I loved Jordan, I loved what he was

personality through the roof the fans absorbed what he was too

everlasting who's who game is what I ended up playin

wishin I was him on the mic moving my fans from the stage

why the f*ck do like him then boom realization came

we ain't the same dude, family means two people related

deflated I knew I'd never be labeled great like my brother

anger grew n resentment tortured an forced me to take action

haunted after with thoughts blacker then ash

recourse over n over they play back to my past

so I lay this last rap verse to the track

revert back to verse one as I rap up what's done

a smoking gun the smokes fun but the bullet that's fired creates a wave

I learned my lesson I deserve everything in the wake

Jordan my brother I'm sorry I acted fast

regret haunts me daily with all this collateral damage

nightmarish dream hearing my feelings all day

why didn't I just steer off the exit like all y'all say

Jordan my brother I'm sorry I acted fast

regret haunts me daily with all this collateral damage

nightmarish dream hearing my feelings all day

why didn't I just steer off the exit hey Stan smart play

as you guys listen n try to think of the finish for this song

the climax you figure there's gotta be one

introverted conclusion or sad lesson that he learned

the lessons there perspective is all but clear

this story's got no happy endin or sad one

just a lonely brother remorseful of his every action

so know before you act fast there's repercussions

cause the unknown unknowns are what seem to catch up to ya

[Tekneek]

if you didn't get it which I understand there are holes in the story and what not it's about an younger brother who had dreams of becoming a famous rapper when his older brother stole the mic and the spotlight from him. "anger grew and resentment tortured and forced him to take action" meaning the jealousy and what not drove him to kill his brother, on the way to drop off his brothers corpse he gets pulled over and arrested and he chooses to go to a mental institute. once he is thinking clearly again he is left with memories of what he's done and the everlasting hole in his life that his brother previously filled. as I say in the last verse, " a lesson is there, perspective is all but clear" which I intend to mean there are lessons to be learnt, all depending upon the perspective of the reader/listener