Challenge #40 The Wizard's Hand

[MazingMaryRocks]

The wizard’s hand

 

Verse 1

In the catacombs of magic, no light were found

Supposed to die, right at that moment

Drinking her poisoned wine

Gave her just 30 years

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Verse 2

The Jaguar by her side, could not help

Guards fell like bricks without knowing

Protection did fail

He took her life that day

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Verse 3

The dress she wore, designed to protect

With magic so strong, it made her fall

A wizard too powerful

She had no chance

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Outro

The wizard’s hand

That poured the wine

Witch hides in the dark

Are still alive

[jamestoffee]

Hi MMR,

 

Good start

 

It looks like you have a clear event in mind and some nice thematic concrete details.

 

Suggestions:

 

Consider starting the song with V2 as it comes across stronger than V1.

 

 

Consider clarification for those who don’t know the story.  I don’t know the story, so there are some questions that come to mind:

 

Why in one chorus it’s about Cleopatra and the other two choruses Nefertiti?  They are two different people....yes?

 

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081103190738AAlvgYW

 

I don’t understand “Gave her just 30 yearsâ€....does that mean the poison took 30 years to work?

 

What is “it†in “it came crawling�

 

“In the catacombs of magic, no light WAS found†

Does this mean Cleopatra was standing in a catacomb in complete darkness with guards and a jaguar?.....If that is correct, why were they there and why where they there in the dark?

 

 

Possible rewording:

 

In the catacombs of magic, no light WAS found

Protection FAILED

 

(A / THE) Witch (THAT) hides in the dark

IS still alive

 

 

Take or toss as you wish.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[MazingMaryRocks]

Hi James!

Thanks for the feedback. 

The Nefertiti/Cleopatra thing were a simple mistake, it should say Cleopatra throughout the lyrics.

I think you are right about switching verse 1 and 2. My initial thought was that she were outside at first and then reluctantly got down into the catacombs.

The 30 years is the years she got to live, then the poisoned wine took her life.

 

"It" reffers to the hand.

 

Most of my lyrics are leaving something behind to think about and I do that intentionally. To me that creates a bit of mystery that I like to bring into the story But at the same time, the readers/listeners must have some kind of clue and I try to balance on a fine line here.

 

I appreciate your feedback and will keep it in mind!

//MMR

[ames1212]

I like your lyrics, they have a hint of darkness but not too misarble, where you feel sad after hearing them. I liked the chorus and the theme. You did good including all the elements John asked For.Verse three was a little weak compared to the other verses, I would like to see a little more descriptions in it. Other than that , Good job!