Beginning's Tide

[Parallax5]

Part 1 of ? of a poem I'm writing called Story of a Lifetime

Beginning's Tide

The tide comes in and with it three are brought
What are these beings and what will they be?
These are the questions left unanswered
Because the answer lays within them to find
And for everyone else to see when they've long since gone

What were they before?
A soul lost in the void or nothing at all?
No need to know, for it no longer matters
All we are is what we are, not what we were

The tide recedes to show them in their most tender state
Left to the will of those that gave them life
This will that brings us a question of love or hate for only them to answer
And this answer decides the fate of them all

 

I would like to know if my writings sound pretentious, or just like something a 14 year old would write thinking it's deep. Other critiques would be nice
 

I have four more parts so far, so tell me if you'd like to see them.

Side Note: If you somehow find your way on ultimate-guitar.com or deviantart.com, then you will find this and other lyrics there under the name of Parallax5 or Guitarsage2k

[McnaughtonPark]

I don't think it's meant to sound deep at all.  As part of of a ten part series, it sounds pretty close to what one could expect.  Questions with no answers, which the listener can expect to find later.  Though, part one could just as easily be purely instrumental and this could be part two.  Ten parts seems long for the story, but then I think of Tommy by The Who and realize it's in the story where things get interesting.

 

By the way, have you read and critiqued other lyrics here?  I noticed you weren't getting many responses.

[Parallax5]

I don't think it's meant to sound deep at all.  As part of of a ten part series, it sounds pretty close to what one could expect.  Questions with no answers, which the listener can expect to find later.  Though, part one could just as easily be purely instrumental and this could be part two.  Ten parts seems long for the story, but then I think of Tommy by The Who and realize it's in the story where things get interesting.

 

By the way, have you read and critiqued other lyrics here?  I noticed you weren't getting many responses.

I've read some other lyrics, but I just don't know how to critique them other than just saying, "Nice Work"

[Parallax5]

I have posted part two: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/41339-a-dramatic-turn-of-events/

[McnaughtonPark]

It's difficult at the beginning.  Above where the lyrics start in the lyric forum there are some articles meant to guide you through the process.  Yes, nobody wants to write a drive-by type critique as you mention, but so long as you stay in good taste and work to try to improve the lyric you should be ok. 

 

Your work looks pretty solid for a fourteen year old....you've a good grasp on structure and your vocabulary is at a nice level.  The questions you asked yourself while writing are a good place to start with others as well.

 

who is my audience

what structure should I use

what is the lyric about

what will I use as a hook

how do i support the story

how much will proper grammar matter

did I use the correct tense throughout

did my point of view vary or was it consistant

 

Those are some good places to start, but you do need to participate as a member of the forum.  That's how all this works.

 

MP

 

PS..........simple is best....two good for one bad (bad is a manner of speaking, not that there is bad or good, how about two positives for each possible problem you discuss)

[Parallax5]

It's difficult at the beginning.  Above where the lyrics start in the lyric forum there are some articles meant to guide you through the process.  Yes, nobody wants to write a drive-by type critique as you mention, but so long as you stay in good taste and work to try to improve the lyric you should be ok. 

 

Your work looks pretty solid for a fourteen year old....you've a good grasp on structure and your vocabulary is at a nice level.  The questions you asked yourself while writing are a good place to start with others as well.

 

who is my audience

what structure should I use

what is the lyric about

what will I use as a hook

how do i support the story

how much will proper grammar matter

did I use the correct tense throughout

did my point of view vary or was it consistant

 

Those are some good places to start, but you do need to participate as a member of the forum.  That's how all this works.

 

MP

 

PS..........simple is best....two good for one bad (bad is a manner of speaking, not that there is bad or good, how about two positives for each possible problem you discuss)

Thank you for helping me out here. I do try and ask myself whether or not the story progresses nicely or if it's, "Drama" for the sake of it. Basically I don't know if I move too fast in writing them or if it's generally okay. Also, just so I can get an idea of myself, rather than saying, "Pretty solid for a 14 year old" Could you get more specific with it? Of course it's not the easiest thing for you to do with one song, so I don't require you to say it right off, but I would like to know. I like the compliment, but I always want to know my problems.

[McnaughtonPark]

Also, just so I can get an idea of myself, rather than saying, "Pretty solid for a 14 year old" Could you get more specific with it? Of course it's not the easiest thing for you to do with one song, so I don't require you to say it right off, but I would like to know. I like the compliment, but I always want to know my problems.

 

1. Your idea of yourself comes from within, nothing anyone can say will change that.  This is about the lyric, not you.

2. I was more specific, I also said "....you've a good grasp on structure and your vocabulary is at a nice level"

3. You can't require me to say anything at all, but I've been very specific about what the problem is to this point, but let me be clear with my next point

4. If you don't wish to participate by the guidelines of the forum, then don't post here, but, I'm hoping you change you mind and decide to play along

[Parallax5]

1. Your idea of yourself comes from within, nothing anyone can say will change that.  This is about the lyric, not you.

2. I was more specific, I also said "....you've a good grasp on structure and your vocabulary is at a nice level"

3. You can't require me to say anything at all, but I've been very specific about what the problem is to this point, but let me be clear with my next point

4. If you don't wish to participate by the guidelines of the forum, then don't post here, but, I'm hoping you change you mind and decide to play along

Sorry, I kind of blanked on your other critiques, and I also realize that I worded it poorly when asking for more critiques now. When I posted this, I was not aware that there was a Member's only lyric critique section, which is why I posted here. Should I repost to there, or just start posting there with the rest when I do post? Apologies, if I offended you in any way.

[McnaughtonPark]

I'm not offended.  This is my way of welcoming you.  There are a lot of members here who don't give two rips about critique.  If they did, there would be less gladhanding and back patting and more concern about lyric writing.  There are no guarantees that what one member posts as a critique will be useful to you or not, there are no guarantees at all when it comes to writing a lyric. 

 

Go back and read your first post.  You were specific about your concerns pertaining to the lyric.  Now read my response, it answered your concerns.  That two way communication about this lyric should have been a sufficient response from me, but no others had posted anything.  So, I wondered if that were due to the fact that you hadn't posted a critque yet.  So, I mentioned it.

 

When it comes to which forum you post to, I believe there are forums exclusively for posts which are not meant to be critiqued because the lyric would be considered a finished piece.  Maybe you wrote a song and the lyric is what it is, you only wanted to present it as a work you had accomplished.  I don't know what the guidelines for the members only section are, you'll have to explore that one, but there are other forums available to you if you are not looking to critique others.  But, since I know every lyric I write could potentially still need editing, I post most of mine here.

 

No need to apologize, just go critique something so I can get down off this soapbox damn it.

 

Tom

[ddmmdd]

would you two mind if i played through...i'd like to get in a full 18 today

 

denny

[tomcollins]

for me this is more a poem , but like MP said , Tommy (musical by the who ) ;  comes to mind  . 

guess would need to see the rest , which i will . 

 

also to follow up on what tom said about critiquing others work , funny thing is as you said ( dont know what to say , other then "nice wotk" ) the more you read others work , even if at first all you say is "nice work " your learning , you will start to see different structures  and such . And reading the other crit's you tend to pick up on it quick , critiquing is what makes it all work , makes the learning part quicker and nelps build a solid foundation to build on as an artist , there is also a section on giving a good critique, that helps when you are just starting with this , and we all have been there so we understand a "nice work " from someone new ,

have fun

rock on !! 

[Parallax5]

for me this is more a poem , but like MP said , Tommy (musical by the who ) ;  comes to mind  . 

guess would need to see the rest , which i will . 

 

also to follow up on what tom said about critiquing others work , funny thing is as you said ( dont know what to say , other then "nice wotk" ) the more you read others work , even if at first all you say is "nice work " your learning , you will start to see different structures  and such . And reading the other crit's you tend to pick up on it quick , critiquing is what makes it all work , makes the learning part quicker and nelps build a solid foundation to build on as an artist , there is also a section on giving a good critique, that helps when you are just starting with this , and we all have been there so we understand a "nice work " from someone new ,

have fun

rock on !! 

Thank you for that. I will try to get into critiquing more and more, hopefully.