Counting Dollars

[Force]

I listened to Counting Stars last night and realized it would make a sick instrumental for a rap, so I wrote a verse to go over the beat. Any and all critiques welcome.

 

Now imagine, in the cold and the dark night

Mother of two counting dollars in a drainpipe

Kids in the shopping cart, blanket wrapped around tight

They shiver from the cold, mama cryin’ cause it ain’t right

She’s tried and tried, but she knows she can’t provide

Walkin’ down Ninth too ashamed to carry a sign

Lost her faith, so light headed she thinks she’s flyin

Doin the punishment when she never committed the crime.

 

She walks on, trapped in the madness,

She ain’t on food stamps cause she doesn’t have an address,

Older boy’s bruised, Dad hit him with a mattress,

Can’t afford a doctor so he’s never getting that fixed.

Stars in the sky above us

Far from the issues that corrupt us

Worlds apart, tryna tell us that enough’s enough,

Pray hard, make a wish, cause we’re goin’ up

[RikGrimesIsDead]

some nice rhymes man and i played the instrumental in the background too....fits well  

keep grinding 

MUCHLOVE

[Peggy]

Hi Force,  

Liking this.  Mattress threw me ... have a suggestion.

 

Older boy’s bruised, Dad hit him til he confessed

Can’t afford a doctor so he won't be getting that fixed

 

Peggy

 

[Force]

@RikGrimesIsDead Thanks for the kind words man!

 

@Peggy I like the change, but the rhymes are two-syllable (madness/address/mattress/that fixed) so confessed doesn't quite work with the overall scheme. Still, thanks for the kind words and willingness to help!

 

Also, wrote a second verse:

 

 

Young boy sitting on the fire escape

Looking down at the lights on the interstate

Mom and dad screaming, but he’s trying to forget that they

Exist cause all he really ever wanted was to get away

Next floor up, girl on the balcony,

Doesn’t wanna go inside cause Daddy has a felony

Wants to run away but doesn’t have the energy

To take the leap of faith and call them all an enemy

 

Side by side, four stories from the pavement,

Boy and girl both dreaming of escapin’

Both of them tryin’ to get enough courage to ditch the whole world and hit the road less taken.