Do You Know Me ?

[Jac]

 

So  you think that you know me,

do you ?

you think you know inside of my head.

Well iv got news for you brothers and sisters,

it's not that easy,

from the things that's iv said.

 

If you think that your life is so complex

and who is to know if that's true.

but if you think your the only trapped child

fighting a monster

the one in your body, it's fighting me too.

 

Take a look at me and you see nothing

because l choose not to let you inside.

You think that you know me

do you ?

what you see

is not all the pain that l hide.

 

It's a little bit more complex you see,

As my room wont let you in or me out.

There's only my voice in corner

of a World you know nothing about.

 

My World is room and my corner,

and my bed is my raft on a sea.

And my pain is my invisible torture

do you think then

you really know me ?

 

One day l may choose in the future,

in the future to say' come on in'

to come into my World and the corner

but would you care enough

and see me.

 

My World is the pain in deep Ocean

as invisible to eyes that cant see,

and l may one day give you permission

for my monster to see you who really knows me.

 

copyright 2023

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 4, 2023 by Jac

[john]

Small potatoes first.

 

Typo last line first stanza, I think “that’s” should just be “that”

 

Typo, 3rd line, 2nd stanza, “your” should be “you’re”

 

Typo, 3rd line, 4th stanza, missing “the” before “corner”

 

 

4th line, 4th stanza I’d swap out “a” for “my”

 

1st line, 5th stanza, is unclear. I think it should be “My world is my room, my corner” or “My world is this room, and this is my corner” or similar. As it stands it doesn’t scan.

 

3rd line, 5th stanza, is understated. Perhaps “My pain grinds, my invisible torture” though you’ll swap grinds for “burns” or “stabs”. It feels more connected, more intense.

 

Line 1 & line 2, 6th Stanza, I don’t see a reason for the repetition of “in the future” it makes it hesitant but little else. It feels like wasted real estate. Consider “One day soon, I may choose on a whim” or “one day in the future I may choose, if you’re still there to say ‘come on in’” or “”one day in the future I might choose, if you’re there to hear, I’ll say “come on in” or similar.

 

Line 3, 6th stanza, consider swapping “the” for “my”

 

Line 5, 6th stanza, swap “and” with “to”

 

Line 1, stanza 7, consider “My world is the pain of the deepest of oceans”

 

Lines 3 & 4, Stanza 7, don’t quite make sense. I think a couple of small tweaks and it does. “And one day I may give permission, for my monster to see the you who really knows me”. If I’ve misunderstood it, I think that only highlights it needs clarified. It’s too important a line to be confused. If feels more like there was a purpose to the story.

 

As a general comment, you could dabble more in extremes to heighten contrast and depth of feeling.

 

I enjoyed the read! Hopefully my comments are of use.

[Jac]

On 8/5/2023 at 1:16 AM, john said:

Small potatoes first.

 

Typo last line first stanza, I think “that’s” should just be “that”

 

Typo, 3rd line, 2nd stanza, “your” should be “you’re”

 

Typo, 3rd line, 4th stanza, missing “the” before “corner”

 

 

4th line, 4th stanza I’d swap out “a” for “my”

 

1st line, 5th stanza, is unclear. I think it should be “My world is my room, my corner” or “My world is this room, and this is my corner” or similar. As it stands it doesn’t scan.

 

3rd line, 5th stanza, is understated. Perhaps “My pain grinds, my invisible torture” though you’ll swap grinds for “burns” or “stabs”. It feels more connected, more intense.

 

Line 1 & line 2, 6th Stanza, I don’t see a reason for the repetition of “in the future” it makes it hesitant but little else. It feels like wasted real estate. Consider “One day soon, I may choose on a whim” or “one day in the future I may choose, if you’re still there to say ‘come on in’” or “”one day in the future I might choose, if you’re there to hear, I’ll say “come on in” or similar.

 

Line 3, 6th stanza, consider swapping “the” for “my”

 

Line 5, 6th stanza, swap “and” with “to”

 

Line 1, stanza 7, consider “My world is the pain of the deepest of oceans”

 

Lines 3 & 4, Stanza 7, don’t quite make sense. I think a couple of small tweaks and it does. “And one day I may give permission, for my monster to see the you who really knows me”. If I’ve misunderstood it, I think that only highlights it needs clarified. It’s too important a line to be confused. If feels more like there was a purpose to the story.

 

As a general comment, you could dabble more in extremes to heighten contrast and depth of feeling.

 

I enjoyed the read! Hopefully my comments are of use.

many thanks John. ll take a look closer look at  above info later tonight .  My Poem was my Ist draft, written very fast, so it needs tidying up. l like to write every day which tends to be fast thoughts down on paper, iv got bucket loads of them, then l keep for a year or so, then have to have a massive clear out lol.

[Jac]

On 8/4/2023 at 1:29 PM, Jac said:

 

So  you think that you know me,

do you ?

you think you know inside of my head.

Well iv got news for you brothers and sisters,

it's not that easy,

from the things that's iv said.

 

If you think that your life is so complex

and who is to know if that's true.

but if you think your the only trapped child

fighting a monster

the one in your body, it's fighting me too.

 

Take a look at me and you see nothing

because l choose not to let you inside.

You think that you know me

do you ?

what you see

is not all the pain that l hide.

 

It's a little bit more complex you see,

As my room wont let you in or me out.

There's only my voice in corner

of a World you know nothing about.

 

My World is room and my corner,

and my bed is my raft on a sea.

And my pain is my invisible torture

do you think then

you really know me ?

 

One day l may choose in the future,

in the future to say' come on in'

to come into my World and the corner

but would you care enough

and see me.

 

My World is the pain in deep Ocean

as invisible to eyes that cant see,

and l may one day give you permission

for my monster to see you who really knows me.

 

copyright 2023

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lots of typo's etc, so working on that today.

Plus i'm going to be working on making this into a song lyric, not sure if it will work but will give it ago.

Edited August 12, 2023 by Jac