Stumbled out

[averagejoe]

Stumbled out

Worn-out

outsider

Drunk driver

Unchained

Not blamed

Liberal

Finished objectives

Did it all

Blood stains

Truth reigns

injustice maintains

pushed it under the blanket

a feel of smoothness

like velvet

Pain

making me insane

Many scars

Burned away with alcohol and cigars

Cheers to you and your fake postcards

And most of all for your ignorance and disregards

Edited May 29, 2006 by averagejoe

[Hope4Peace]

not bad, but the first few lines really dont do anything for me at all, and kinda make it hard to get into the rest of it

[averagejoe]

not bad, but the first few lines really dont do anything for me at all, and kinda make it hard to get into the rest of it

ah, know whatcha sayin'. fixed a lil'bit...have no idea if I made it any better.

[Hope4Peace]

Much better now w/o that "say yay!" line lol.. great work!! I have no problems with it now!

[averagejoe]

Much better now w/o that "say yay!" line lol.. great work!! I have no problems with it now!

haha , well I have an excuse for writing bullshit things. I'm a norwegian viking. I should suck in english ;P.

Anyways, glad you think it's ok. There's is still lots of things I could have done better. I'm really no-good at writing.

[Hope4Peace]

lol. well im not great either, so its all good!

[averagejoe]

Maybe you're right .

[Hope4Peace]

Of Course Im Right!!!!

[averagejoe]

Of Course Im Right!!!!

[Mudknot]

Bethers is always right!

Anyway, great poem. Lots of emotions, but they toggle back and forth between subjects, which just makes my little brain think that maybe they are used as a rhyme filler?

Like I say for lots of songs and poems, this one could be turned into many different poems. I would love to read another one that stays on the story of the drunken, unchained, blood stained outsider!

Keep it up!

[averagejoe]

Bethers is always right!

Anyway, great poem. Lots of emotions, but they toggle back and forth between subjects, which just makes my little brain think that maybe they are used as a rhyme filler?

Like I say for lots of songs and poems, this one could be turned into many different poems. I would love to read another one that stays on the story of the drunken, unchained, blood stained outsider!

Keep it up!

Thankx, and you're right about the rhyme filling. The idea with poem was a bunch of rhyming words. not really that good. But I'm just trying, and sometimes failing. Appreciate the comment

[Mudknot]

But I'm just trying, and sometimes failing.

This is far from failing!

[Hope4Peace]

This is far from failing!

agreed

[averagejoe]

Thank you . Well 'failing' was maybe a too strong expression, but there is always room to approve.

[Hope4Peace]

I think the word you meant to use there was "Improve"

Edited May 14, 2006 by bethers_is_my_baby

[Mudknot]

I think the word you meant to use there was "Improve"

Indeed.

[averagejoe]

I think the word you meant to use there was "Improve"

heheh...I was tired when I wrote that. Not that I'm excusing my horrible error