New Poem

[Guest aspecto]

keep drinking that cider

seeing you in pain delights her

the barmen wont serve you

unless your politer

drinking your life away

wont help your problems

but seeing you pain delights her

do u wish your life brighter?

drink after drink slowly kills you

driving yourself over the edge

is begging to thrill you

now you takin the pill too

rehab is your only answer

but you just laugh at me

as if im an lap dancer

as you waste away

into a world of decay

you start to crumble

voices in your head start to mumble

as you lay down and cry

and ask yourself why

but its to little to late

the damage has been done

your hell has only begun

seeing you in pain delights her

do you wish your life was brighter?

[john]

Hi

Welcome aspecto ! Drop a post in the "Introduce Yourself" board and tell us all a little about yourself.

Pretty good. There are a couple of bits I find awkward, and your spelling/grammar needs tightening up. My spelling is far from perfect but it's worth the effort for presentation of work:

"unless your politer"

your -> you're

politer is just not right, and to be honest for me popped me out the flow of the poem. "more polite"

You vary the rhyme scheme as you go through, which in some ways works, and in others it doesn't.

The "lap dancer" image doesn't really work for me eintirely. It does have the quality that it is unexpected and sits there as a point of not. I like that, but I didn't get any real relevance to the context at all, which is cool, but it puts all the weight of connection to the rest of the lyric on the "laughing at" image. Unfortunately lap dancer doesn't draw that response from most people. I tried thinking of it as a condescending laugh, but I don't think that is a strong enough image.

[millertime098205]

I like the fact that it is dark... I try to write a little dark too.

[typo]

i was gonna pass comment, but as you haven't bothered replying i won't lol no point in commenting if you ain't reading the replies