Beautiful Stranger

[Da Prophecy]

Hey all,

I haven't posted in a while but here is another sonnet that I finished a few weeks ago. It is about someone that I am talking to right now and my encounter with her and how everything has seemed to "randomly" come about. I intend on this being the first in a series of sonnets (no telling when the series will be done) titled "Beautiful Stranger". Feel free to leave suggestions, opinions, feedback, etc.

I

Once dormant in the shadows of my mind

As one extra in a short, random scene

She has emerged from the corridor time

Bound to rewrite the annals of my dreams.

And I, blind-sided by her emergence,

Have tried in vain to cleave to my sanity

But each day I become all the more convinced

It can’t stand in the wake of her majesty.

So now that my mind’s balance is endangered

And I lie here stricken beyond all cure

It’s clear I must have this beautiful stranger

Yet it’s also clear what I must endure:

Lack of time, lack of sight, and long distance

Along with no guarantee of romance.

[Lazz]

Yo DaProphecy !!

Stonkingly heroic endeavour.

Love is surely a wonderful thing.

Unfortunately, the English Sonnet Police have received complaints from anonymous sources that in Beautiful Stranger (part – the first) not only did the 1st quatrain, the 2nd quatrain, and half of the 3rd, make blatant use of fraudulent rhyming but also, and on the same date, lines 6, 7, 8, 9, and 11 were judged to have exceeded the strict limit of iambic pentameter – complaints which they are obliged to investigate further.

If found in breach, penalties may include revocation of your poetic licence.

Appeals may be submitted to this thread, at any time, using the appropriate form.

What wondrous brave attempt from our DP

A song to sing in praise of someone new

These sonnet forms are all the same to me

I’ll bet a buck they’re all the same to you

Small wonder no-one writes them anymore

Their rules are such a bugger, and so strict.

I’ve tried to write them once or twice before

And found I couldn’t get those strictures licked.

So just gave up and ripped them into bits

In envy of those rhymsters who succeed

(Oh, easy how all rhythmically fits)

While I misplace the wordage that I need.

My putrid efforts enough to convince

That doggerel’s my forté ever since.

[typo]

lol

either way, i liked both yer sonnets.

someone wanna give a sonnet master class?

[john]

Hey DP

Busted by the sonnet police! Harsh

Some nice lines, like it overall but as Lazz pointed out you missed some sonnet essentials.

"You've been Lazzed"

Nice to be back?

Good to see you posting more work!

Cheers

John

[Da Prophecy]

Hey all, thanks for the comments thus far. I noticed that I have tended to go over the 10 syllable per line count more often than usual. In many sonnets, writers have violated the 10 syllable count in a line or two of their sonnets and it has been seen as okay but I have been going over a lot more frequent than I like. I usually go over only when I absolutely can't get what I want to say in a particular line within 10 syllables. Thanks for pointing it out though. I may make changes if possible to make them and keep the same meaning.

[Lazz]

the 10 syllable per line count

The Picky Pedantic Poet's Handbook says those 10 syllables should be five iambs of spoken language in natural rhythm.

This requirement seems the most pesky bit to me.

But I am sure it is worthwhile to achieve.

And I know you can do it.

My small satire did ok on this for a while but kinda collapses at the final couplet with unatural stresses having to be made at "enough" and "dogerrel".

It stumbles badly because of it - and it's supposed to flow easy and not sound awkwardly arcane (I think that's my own rule).

We've both managed a fairly decent volta into the third quatrain.

And also achieved some satidfactory 'resolution'.

But your poem is more beautiful.

[Da Prophecy]

Hey Lazz,

I have to agree that the 5 iambs rule is quite difficult not to break. Again, thanks for pointing out the fact that I went over several times. I know that I do it but I had become really bad about going over. I used to do it sparingly. Anyway, with what you said about the iambs, I wonder if my other sonnets did a better job of sticking to the rules? What do you think?

[Lazz]

I wonder if my other sonnets did a better job of sticking to the rules? What do you think?

Dunno, DP.

Haven't read your other sonnets.

Mainly concerned you weren't offended by my horsing around.

[Da Prophecy]

Dunno, DP.

Haven't read your other sonnets.

Mainly concerned you weren't offended by my horsing around.

I do remember you commenting on some of my other ones I posted which is why I asked. I am not offended at all. All constructive criticism is well-received.

[Lazz]

I do remember you commenting on some of my other ones I posted which is why I asked. I am not offended at all. All constructive criticism is well-received.

You are right, of course.

I went back over some of your several submissions and re-read.

To be honest, there are many (most?) that I had missed or overlooked.

And I only came to this one because it was listed under 'Music Board' topics on the home-page when I visited.

Hadn't previously noticed your specialised focus on the english sonnet form.

But have to say I am really impressed by your consistency of application.

You may well be part of an active on-line sonnet universe - but for me it is a novel thing to stunble into a contemporary practitioner.

Neat.

As to the question of whether your other sonnets do 'a better job of sticking to the rules', I have to answer "No, not really"

Of those dozen I just read, only two observe the ten-syllable count throughout.

These were "Mistreated By Love (which Evans labelled 'lucid' and 'poignant')

And "Delivered From Fear"

I have now looked at a few other examples from other practitioners, though, and discovered that such abuse is not uncommon.

However, to me, the fun and discipline if the form exists only in strict observance.

(Call me a fuddy-duddy, but what's the point of building sonnets at all if they end up even half a millimeter out of whack?)

But to re-iterate my earlier observation, I still feel strongly that the ten syllables should more properly be five iambs which express themselves in the natural stress of speech rhythm when reading.

(I again notice that not everybody does this but, as I said, then why bother otherwise ?)

And none of those dozen of yours which I just read behave like that.

Now, I know I described this requirement as the most 'pesky' bit, like a buzzing insect annoyance, but I don't quite agree with you that it is so difficult not to break.

Because, I tell you, when exercising my critical eye across those same dozen sonnets I saw judicious non-destructive tweaking which could make each one comply.

So I have no doubt that, if you chose to, you could fix 'em all to meet the good sonnet standard of approval - no trouble whatsoever.

Then, as well as being inherently moving, beautiful and personal, they would also become exemplars of the pure form.

That's if you consider it to be an important personal goal - you may not.

My other purely personal preference, by the way, is for the rhythm to be completely built out of natural everyday modern language - contemporary syntax rather than the arcane.

That way, I feel, this strict traditional form falls more deceptive and easy on the ear.

Remember John Nightwolf's comment about 'The Heart's Decision' ?

He said "I'm not sure if I like the way the rhyme scheme changes around" - despite the poem's clear observance of those old traditional english sonnet rhyming requirements - and I venture that John's impression may have been an unconscious response to speech rhythms which were far from being as 'natural' as they could be.

Does that make sense ?

For myself, pickiness is paramount in all craft exercises of form - maybe most especially because my aim ultimatelyis that, however much toil and sweat I've expended, the end result should feel un-noticably easy.

So, in spite of the apparent pernickity picky-ness of this critique, the solidly assiduous body of your accumulated sonnets makes a big positive impression.

I still like 'em.

A lot.

[Da Prophecy]

Hey Lazz,

Thanks for looking over all of my stuff and for the long explanation. I understand how you can be "nit-picky" about that type of stuff. You are probably right in that I could change some lines in most of those sonnets to make them stick to form all the way through. Like I said before, I have become quite lazy in that practice. When I first started writing them, I was more in tune with sticking to the rules all the way through. Now, especially after reading several sonnets (past and present) that go over in a few lines, I started doing it. With that said, I may go over my sonnets and try to make them stick to form more. Thanks for the compliment on their merit though.