Timbre

I really like this. Great blues feel in both topic and structure. I would actually take the hook in an even more ambiguous direction that has more applicability. What about "Waitin' on You" would add some slang which is very much the blues. That could lend itself to additional verses like John suggested. I like the idea of waiting for the phone to ring and wondering how she lost the number, but you could also add a verse about waiting for her to come home and wondering how she lost her way. The 5 long years line would work with this too. ~T

The End of My Last Chance Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell Verse 1 I thought I’d have more time To make our brand new start But I waited too long To take care of your heart You tell me to move on But I don’t see how I can I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance Verse 2 I missed all the signs That the end was near You didn’t make demands And you cried no more tears I finally crossed your line Written in the sand I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance Chorus What kind of man holds the world in his hands Then lets it all go on a whim Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime To chase just one night of sin And what do I see staring back in the mirror When I get up the nerve to glance Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance Verse 3 I know that I was blind Now you’re all that I can see And your eyes are telling mine You’re all but done with me It’s finally sinking in And it’s more than I can stand I’m just a fool who missed the end of my last chance Chorus What kind of man holds the world in his hands Then lets it all go on a whim Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime To chase just one night of sin And what do I see staring back in the mirror When I get up the nerve to glance Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance Repeat Chorus

Thanks for the feedback. Every read helps!

Niiice! Meets all the criteria. Get ready to pitch! ~T

Love the idea behind the song. Definitely goes deep. I kept wanting to combine the 2 sections of verse before the chorus and the 2 sections of verse after the chorus. Are they separate for a reason? Maybe there's music between them? If you combine the first 2 sections they fit well in an xxAxxA structure with the 3rd and 6th lines rhyming. The second 2 sections of verse had good emotionality but I couldn't find a pattern that echoed the first 2 sections, so you might take another look at that if you think combining is worth considering. The hook is good but got buried a bit for me. Not trying to be a stickler for hook placement, but "you alone" has such a soft sound to it, rather than more hard consonants, so you may need a more traditional placement to make the hook more prominent. I think a bridge will work well in this story line. As I've said in previous posts, I am a sucker for a double meaning and I wondered if you might rework the bridge so he is telling her: I had to come back because I didn't want to leave "you alone". Enjoyed it. I'd really like to see how this develops. ~T

Funny! Yes--Omar Khayyam is worth quite a few points in the poetry sweepstakes. Hmm. . . maybe another good source of lyric inspiration. Stay tuned!

JH, If you've already sung it to your wife, I think that's an automatic win! Well done, you!! But since you've submitted if for critique, I had a few observations. The title/hook is good. I was wanting more in the verses to reinforce the idea that no matter how far away you go, home will draw you back because that's where the love is. V1 is very strong but if the 2nd half could pivot toward home more directly that would set you up nicely for the chorus. See idea below for doing that in last line of v1 and with a stronger rhyme. At last the time finally came And my tour was done I would never be the same But the hurt eases with your love nothing heals like home I like the repetition of the hook in lines 2 and 4 of the chorus. The final line could be more emotional by changing it from "right there at home" to something like "It'll always bring me home." In v2, same goes for the final line to give it a better set up for the chorus. One possibility: And feel the love I’ve always known of home Having shared my 2 cents, I'm sure your wife loved the original version ~T

Welcome to the site! So, I critiqued this based on the terms of the "deep, deep love challenge" and then more generally. In terms of deep, deep love it fell short for me. The first section was the club atmosphere and wanting that first dance, all the plans he was making in his head, and then ended with not letting the love fall apart. I kept re-reading, looking for where the love happened, and I couldn't find it. It was just suddenly there at the end with a mention of Cupid and love. So building in more emotion would help to get that across: breaking me/taking me/deep into the heart of me. Looking at the lyrics more generally speaking, there's some interesting elements. The double meaning of "couple grand" made me smile. In my opinion that would be a better title for this and you could then rework the lyric around the idea of trying to build a couple grand into a big life in both money and love. The strongest critique I have to the downside is that there were a lot of filler lines that rhymed but didn't add substance. Another way of saying that is--Welcome to the Club! If you check out critiques in the various forums you will see that all of us who post have been guilty of "rhyme without reason" at one time or another. Sometimes we're just blind to it and need our fellow critiquers to point it out, or we're just so relieved to have found something that rhymed that we didn't stop to ask if it really adds anything! Examples of this for me were the "man oh man" line, the line about fan blades, and "perfect like 123". Your message will get lost among the filler lines. You need every line to be on-message. Again, welcome aboard. ~T

Thanks for the thorough read. Here's where I'm channeling the Rumi saying--"You Have to keep breaking your heart until it opens". I interpret this to mean that there's a lesson in heartbreak and we keep feeling the pain and rejection until we are open to learning the lesson. I imagine there are as many interpretations of this as there are people in the world, but bringing it back to this chorus, the singer is trying to encourage him to be open to the idea that he was loving the wrong person and she is the right person for him. Hmm. I see the direction you're going in, but I'm aiming in the other direction The singer is trying to convince him that its safe for him to fall in love again. More along the lines of "Jump! I'll catch you!" . . . You've given me some things to think about. Thanks again. ~T

Gotcha on the rhyme sequence. It would probably click for me more if I heard it sung. In my own head awhile/smile are such spot on rhymes and they have a bigger sound when spoken or sung that they overshadowed the me/believe. For the second verse, several things made it feel different to me. The repetition of the 4 lines ending in "now" gave the verse an immediacy and insistence that the v1 didn't have. "Come here now" added more of a sense of the physical space between the singer and the person he's singing to that you don't get in v1. It also struck me as more flirty/playful, while v1 was a bit more serious. In the chorus, i liked your use of imperative (i.e.,demand) phrases in lines 1 and 3 where there's an unspoken but understood subject or pronoun. "believe that you're extraordinary" rather than "you should believe . . ." "feel like . . ." rather than "you should feel . . . " Some might read it and say, you need to add pronouns to these lines to make them clearer, but in the performance sense, use of the imperative form is far more compelling, which is the point of an imperative phrase. You want her to believe and you stated that in the form of a gentle demand. I don't know if it was intentional or just instinctive, but in my opinion, it was very effective. ~T

Hobo, Some really good stuff here! I lost the sense of cadence and rhyme scheme at the end of the first verse but liked the sentiment. Loved the 2nd verse--the change in cadence in style compared to the 1st verse did feel more like a bridge and could be very effective. The final "believe" in that verse did not seem necessary given the nice rhyme you had with "awhile" and "smile". The chorus was unconventional but I liked it. The order of the words at the start of the chorus kind of tripped me up at first, but by the time I got to the hook that just melted away. The unconventional style calls for singing directly to a particular person and comes across with a very intimate feel. Nice! Seems like these lyrics would work beautifully with just acoustic guitar. Nothing else needed. You have a future in love songs!

What?!!! Just trying to write about regular ol' emotional love in the previous challenge was tough enough. Now its got to be "deep, deep"? (Deep breaths, deep breaths, oooohm) Ok--I'm accepting the challenge, but I'm going to need to take some creative license here. This is the second set of lyrics I wrote in response to the first challenge and I think it should qualify as a "deep, deep" love song because it's about a woman who has been DEEPLY in love with her best friend's man for a LONG time and finally makes her move after the best friend breaks up with the guy and she's given him some time to heal. I am also asking for "deep, deep" love credits, because I was channeling Rumi in the chorus. Anything related to Rumi gets you "deep, deep" love cred right? Here goes! Safe Place to Fall Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell Verse 1 It’s good to see you out On the town again I know she broke your heart And she was my best friend Don’t hold it against me The pain she put you through Pain can only blind you to the truth Verse 2 I never let my heart Take one step out of line And when she let you down Our friendship slowly died Now I’m trying to climb over The wall she left behind Just hear me out before you close your mind Chorus I believe that love is hoping And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open Give it one more try and then I won’t let you break again Here I am, a safe place to fall Verse 3 I’ve caught you by surprise But I wonder if she knew Perhaps she let you go Wanting more for me and you If you can forgive her And leave heartache in the past You might see the future we could have Chorus 2 I believe that love is hoping And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open Give it one more try and then I won’t let you break again My love is a safe place to fall Chorus 3 I believe that love is hoping And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open Give it one more try and then I won’t let you break again I’ll always be a safe place to fall

Les, For me this was more emotional than the previous submission so feels like you're going in the right direction. I did struggle to reconcile the verses with the chorus. The verses were about the personal connection but then the chorus pivots to loving someone in spite of the naysayers. I think the verses just need more of a lead-in to the powerful idea that you are trying to convey in the chorus. The idea--clinging to love in the face of outside resistance or even hate-- is a great conceptual hook; but imho needs a stronger lead-in from the verses and a lyrical hook in the chorus that will lend itself to a title. One idea to link the verses to the chorus more strongly is to make a case for why each kind of personal connection is more important than the resistance or disapproval from folks outside of the relationship. So a smile is like sunshine but also makes you see the world in a whole new light, a laugh brings you peace that the world could use more of, etc, etc. --just enough to make the connection both personal and tender but also strong enough to take on the outside world. ~T

Les-- Thanks for weighing in on V3. I'm reworking that based on the several critiques I've gotten. Great suggestion for the "breathing you" line. Having the partial rhyme with again amps up the final line a bit more, and gives the second chorus a subtle but definite build, which I think is the main point of switching up the chorus--to amp things up a bit. Ah the bridge!-- I think it is mainly raw material leftover from my brainstorming session about what love feels like. I think the idea rings true--that love softens you up and makes you more willing to bend--but the growing consensus is that it doesn't quite fit. I'm cool with that. Hobo--In response to the challenge, I was trying to stay in the first person, focusing on what the singer is feeling in the first 2 verses and asking the other person to take a chance on that love in V3. In keeping with the first-person requirement, I didn't go with "Love is" in the chorus but I could see that as being effective for more of love anthem rather than a personal love song. My natural inclination was to back away from the first person, so this was a great challenge for keeping me as close to the lyrics as possible. Thanks for the read and the ideas. ~T

This is really helpful. I was in the love head space for verse 3 but good to have perspective from the outside looking in. I'll rework that. In the bridge I was trying to communicate how love changes you and makes you a more flexible person, but maybe there's a better lyric approach to that. Love the idea for abbreviating the "Breathing you" line and the title/subtitle suggestion. "Breathing you" feels more primal than "breathing you in". Much appreciated.~T

This was tough. I kept going back and forth between an up-tempo feel and a slower (in my head anyway) story song and ended up with 2 different sets of lyrics. I won't post both so as not to monopolize the space. I'll post the up-tempo for now and perhaps post the other near the end of the challenge if there is not much traffic or else just post to the lyric critique board at some point. My initial self-critique is that the chorus may split the hook between the "Bigger than" line and the repetition of "Again and again and again" but that repetitive piece just stayed with me so I went with it. Neither felt like a title so I went with a more obscure title taken from the end of 3rd verse which is suggestive of "falling in love". This emotive thing is hard! Critique away! All the Way Down Verse 1 I’m tasting life For the first time I savor your touch Knowing you’re mine Verse 2 No rented hearts No one night stands Never alone now I'm holding your hand Chorus My love is . . . Bigger than fear Stronger than pain Like waves crashing over Again and again and again Can’t catch my breath No need for air Just breathing you over Again and again and again Verse 3 Come take this leap For the last time And feel me holding you All the way down Chorus My love is . . . Bigger than fear Stronger than pain Like waves crashing over Again and again and again Can’t catch my breath No need for air Just breathing you over Again and again and again Bridge You break me in Make me bend Again and again and again Repeat Chorus

I like the idea of the chorus as vows and the audience only figuring that out when the bridge spells it out. In its current form, I felt like the chorus had too many words and they crowded out the emotion, which is central to this song challenge. So perhaps try to express more, but with fewer words? I'm trying to follow this advice as I struggle through my own submission for this challenge!! ~T

Hi, Anon. Powerful start. Really pulled me in. The last couple of lines started to drift a bit, but I think you could pull them back in with a stronger lead in to "denier" and flipping the last line to end with "liar". Just my 2 cents. Hope you keep going with it. ~T

John, Great to get my first round of feedback! Your points are well taken. This is more of a personal, one-on-one invitation rather than a full on anthem. The backstory in my head was about trying to get someone to shake off the doldrums and embrace summer--hence trading in shadows for sunlight and then trading shadows for moonlight. I'll also sit with the chorus a bit, in light of your comments. Thanks. ~T

Love summer anthems but didn't think I had one in me. Here goes! Let Go Verse 1 Burning wind across my skin Hazy days are lingerin’ Summer’s calling us again Baby, won’t you listen? Chorus 1 It’s time to let go And groove slow Shake off all the shadows For the sunshine It so fine We’ll just dance this dance So you can let go And groove slow Baby, don’t you know It’s time to let go Verse 2 Take off some of everything Let’s swim out and float back in ‘Til stars are waking up again And we get to kissin’ Chorus 2 It’s time to break free Ya with me? (yeah!—audience shout) Shake off all the shadows For the moonlight Its alright We’ll just dance this dance So you can let go And groove slow Baby, don’t you know It’s time to let go Bridge Boy/Girl its time For days so fine And nights like wine Repeat Chorus 1