Timbre

Private Dancer - Tina Turner

I'm embracing the idea that it's never too late respond to a challenge. I got stuck pretty soon after starting this challenge many months ago. The progression of choruses and the first verse came to me in that first week but then I couldn't get any further, so I sat with it for quite a while. The other submissions that trickled in over the months really helped me to return to it again and again. I always learn something from the challenges, either by joining or observing. Grateful for that. My submission is based on the biblical story of Noah and the flood. I used the story as a metaphor for falling into addiction, and calling on a higher power for help and the desire to start over. The Storm Copyright © 2019 by Lisa C. Campbell V1 It started out as rain Enough to wash away the pain But you can’t control the clouds And it keeps on pouring down Now the land has turned to sea And this storm is chasing me Ch I want to do what Noah did Put my faith in All there is Let this vessel carry me Across the angry sea Please carry me V2 At the mercy of the wind Where I’m going, where I’ve been Could be a thousand miles away It’s hard for me to say I’ve got to look beyond the score If I want to reach shore Ch2 I want to feel what Noah found When he put his feet on solid ground Is there still a seed Of this life inside of me If I dig down deep Bridge The sun can’t pierce these clouds That I'm carrying around I’ve got to put them down Ch3 I want to learn what Noah knew From starting over two by two I’ll start with two days in a row Then pray for two days more ‘Til I can face the storm ‘Til I embrace the storm

In reading the Wile-E Coyote lyrics I didn't get a strong sense of a storyline, but rather cautionary examples of what not to do. I think it can still work as John noted, but more narrative and less direct instruction would strengthen the lyrics overall. Where I'm getting stuck is in trying to develop a full story arc with a beginning, middle, and end. As of today I now have a hook "The Storm" which I am using as a metaphor for addiction. The story of Noah and the Ark is what I am referencing for starting over, finding firm ground, and moving on with all that you really need. Plan to come back to it this evening and will be thinking about emotive language. Always a good reminder. ~T

I'm trying! A little stuck on the progression of my story line, but inching closer. Any comments you have about Pachisme's submissions (2 is impressive!) might help me move forward. ~T

Telling a story using a well known story is a great challenge, I’m trying to write a story song about starting over using Noah and the flood as my reference. It’s going veeery slowly. ~T

Funny--no circuitous logic going on! I was responding to what I thought was the post immediately before mine, but my post was published after something that was unconnected and then the next post just picked up where I left off. I've seen that happen a few times where there doesn't appear to be a connection between posts and it ends up that thread was broken because of some glitch or delay in posting. Now there is a connection that comes to mind, but this isn't the explicit posting section :) ~T

Natural Woman -- Queen of Soul

Goodbye In Her Eyes - Zac Brown Band

Ooh! Nice nuance there. Ain't That a Kick in the Head - Dean Martin

Aye Calypso - John Denver

Great idea to feature lyric writers. I think Patty is the first one. Excellent place to start!

Sorry, Tom. Don Henley title was supposed to be Last Worthless Evening, not lonely. But loser still works with worthless.

Last Lonely Evening - Don Henley

Pour Some Sugar on Me - Def Leppard

No worries! It could just as easily have been a set of lyrics that Les and I collaborated on where both our names appear in the by lines. We've done a couple of fun collaborations for the challenges and some critiques get directed at him and some at me. It's all good. -Lisa

Laughing is good! I love to laugh! Yes, I got all mixed up thinking you were the poster of the song and EVENTUALLY I caught on, but didn't have the chance to reply, so all the above was meant for @Skin, though I'm sure is irrelevant now due to timing, but I knew you were fairly new here, so when I thought YOU wrote the song, figured it was recent. Doesn't take much to confuse me! lol! And just to add another layer of confusion, Les didn't post the lyrics, I did! I think the glitch is that Les's critique is the first critique on the 2nd page of critiques for this challenge. Easy to miss that there's a first page to this thread with more discussion of these lyrics and others. I'd say it's a sign of a healthy critique forum when there's enough traffic to get lost in !!

Signed Sealed Delivered (I'm Yours) / Stevie Wonder

Yep. I thought you might have just missed the challenge date, but its all good. The challenge vibe around here is that it's more about the challenge than the date. It just helps to stay closer to current challenge period if you want to get more feedback/discussion. We are currently on Challenge #7 for 2017 -- The Protest Song. Just a couple drafts submitted so far. Would love to get your feedback on my post there if you have time. I'll dig up that revision and repost soon. ~T

Hi, Ray. I didn't recognize this post at first because this lyric has undergone so many revisions off-site since I first posted it last summer! Thanks for weighing in. After some tweaks to the chorus the hook/title was changed to "Breathing You In" and the bridge was deleted altogether. Can't access the full revision right now but it fit your critique in many respects. Appreciate the read. ~T

Such a good topic. I remember a while back that there was a discussion about how personal a song should be and the challenges of writing about your own life. I think grief is as personal as it gets but also can be very public when it changes how we approach life and interact with those around us--sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. If we are able to pass through the darkest moments, days, years, the clarity we get on the other side can result in powerful lyrics, music, and other art forms. And some even find the strength to create art in the midst of the pain, which perhaps helps in the healing. Based on John's experience, the question that comes to mind for me is: Once you've created a song out of grief, for whatever purpose--to heal, to inspire, to help you remember--what is your responsibility to others that are touched by it? In the most personal sense you are writing about your own loss, but also exposing and giving voice to their loss too. Some folks find comfort in that. Some take a while to get there and some never do. Turning to Lisa's original question--My take on it is that lyrics about grief can take on another form and serve another purpose when you no longer need them as a primary expression of grief. I've written lyrics out of grief and have been initially very protective about the original meaning, but over time have been able to recast them into a broader context that was less about my personal experience and more universal. Now the car commercial goes further than that, but I think it's the same general idea--being comfortable enough with the meaning/context changing that it doesn't feel like another loss to grieve. ~T

Hi, JH. Glad you liked our write. It was a great experience. The "route" rhyme is a good idea. Excellent point about the pronunciation--I had to say it out loud a few times to figure out what pronunciation I tend to use , so its worth giving some more consideration. ~T

Old News By Skin (Les) and Timbre (Lisa) Les invited me to collaborate on this challenge, so we wrote these lyrics over the past week. The central idea is that a guy finds out his relationship is over by seeing his girl in the newspaper and on tv with another guy. Critique away! Intro The headline said You’ve found new love I’m old news And I’m the last to know Verse 1 You chased fame and fortune I was your biggest fan But now that you’ve made it I’m not in your plans The picture was hazy But the words, crystal clear Our love ended on the front page I was the last to hear Chorus I'm small town You're city lights When our love was new We shined so bright I never dreamed You'd leave me Now I'm old news In your new reality I'm old news Verse 2 All our years together Left a shadow of a doubt Are we really over Or can we turn this thing around/about (toss up between near or exact rhyme) The answer to my questions Is staring back at me You’re hand in hand with someone else On my TV screen Chorus I'm small town You're city lights When our love was new We shined so bright I never dreamed You'd leave me Now I'm old news In your new reality I'm old news Bridge At first you hurt my pride Really mixed me up inside Now I've come to realize I love this life you left behind Chorus 2 I'm small town You're city lights When our love was new We shined so bright I never dreamed You could be Old news In my new reality You're old news Outro The headline said You’ve found new love I’m old news And I’m the last to know

That could work. I settled on trying to capture his current realization of what a mess he'd made of things to fit the challenge requirement that the lyrics be conversational as if talking to someone. So the verses reflect him talking to his ex and the chorus is him talking to himself. Both both could definitely be tweaked to past tense as if he's telling his story to an audience. Thanks for the read! ~T

I agree that "another yesterday" is a keeper; just needs verses and chorus to back it up some more. This tweak in the chorus does make it stronger, but could use more tie-in with the title/hook. You might do this with contrasting yesterday with today like this, for example: So you'll throw away today To live another yesterday ~T

Richard, Lots of good stuff going on with this both structurally and lyrically. Using triplets for the verses was a nice change from the usual. And you have some great individual lines and rhymes. For me, each triplet seemed to stand on its own rather than connect up with the others and I was wanting some resolution in cadence, maybe with couplets between each triplet. I also felt like the idea of "another yesterday" didn't invoke a breakup as strongly as it could. It makes sense that wanting to live in the past would get in the way of the relationship and lead to a breakup, but this great hook idea could have been developed more in the verses. The chorus language was very straightforward and didn't have quite the flair of the verses, so you might consider tweaking the chorus a bit to have a similar style. For example the line "a life that was full of fun" seemed a departure from lines like "a dream awaking". Keep or sweep as you see fit. Enjoyed it! ~T