Song Writing Challenge/competition (Closed)

[McnaughtonPark]

Well, I like the "I'm burnt, I'm burning." I have been thinking for three days on how to reword the chorus. I've been going over it trying to figure out what is burning. I don't want to say my heart is burning, or my love is burning, or my soul is burning...actually never want to hear those words in another song for as long as I live. No other body part seems to fit, and I'm going into the aspects of friendship to see what could burn there. Right now my mind is burning, in Japan the world is burning, all the while time is burning away....something has to burn here.

Rhymes -

burn

turn

learn

yearn

we're in - ok, that's different enough for me to go with, not perfect, but usable and creative and not overused, brings up....

to learn in - whatever...

Ok, I'm getting scatter brained. And I'm on the computer which isn't a ver good place for being creative....

[McnaughtonPark]

Another re-write, this one to your melody. This is all I have gone over so far. http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13524799/Burnt.wav

Burning

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Time was

We were happening

Lust and love

Overlapping

But I was led by desire

Life held me to the fire

And I was burned

Im burning

I was led by the fire

Love held me with desire

But Im burned

Im burning

Wounded, youre leaving

While Im still

Still needing you

Edited March 19, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[JamTimeMusic]

Ok this is how I see the chorus re-write:

If I change my reword to this:

I was lead by desire

But YOU held me to the fire

And now I'm burnt

I'm burnt

So figuratively speaking the chorus could be about: E.g Man desires a beautiful woman. She see's this and uses him, so leads him to the fire and then leaves him. Now he's burned because he got hurt. So burned in my eyes is just another way of saying "I got hurt". So to sum the chorus up it would be "I got hurt by you after you used your beauty to get what you wanted". Obviously you could flip it to the female perspective as I actually think it would suit a female voice better. It's a very simple chorus but works.

What dya think?

JD

[McnaughtonPark]

ok, that works. Seems to work with the first pre-chorus pretty well. I don't see any of the verses working with it, but I do see the chorus working really well, I like the melody.

[JamTimeMusic]

Looks like we posted at about the same time. My response was in reply to the 1st of your last two replies. I think by changing the chorus to YOU rather than LIFE it gives it more impact as it really puts the listener in the driving seat but I'm open to other ideas. I really like the new verse you did. It flows really well with the melody but like you said perhaps doesn't work with the amended chorus lyrics.

In my mind the chorus sums everything up and is the crucial part of the song so we should discuss this and decide on the best route to go.

I'm also interested by the extra couple of lines that you've written at the end of the chorus. I'll try them tomorrow.

JD

[McnaughtonPark]

And I didn't see your next post for a few hours. I kept going along the same lines, adjusting some after reading your post. I'm thinking still, but here is a possibility. I'm thinking the middle 8, or bridge, is where the truth about what happened to break down the relationship comes in, then back to the chorus. So the first verse, and second verse could be flipped and you'd have a decent progression of events, or left as is you'd have V1. there's something wrong. V2. it used to be better. M8 this is what happened.

Burnt

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Time was

We were happening

Lust and love

Overlapping

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the fire

Love held me with desire

But I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still needing me

I imagined you and I were made of

The finest kind of steel that never bends

Somehow in a fiery moment

We melt down

Time was

We were happy

Black and white,

Good and bad days

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the fire

Love held me with desire

But I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still needing me

you say that he was meaningless

I say I must mean even less

You still want the love that we’re in

Babe, you’re not the one who’s burnin'

I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the fire

Love held me with desire

But I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still needing me

Edited March 20, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[McnaughtonPark]

I always get caught up in the writing and forget the contract part of the deal. Since this has all been public so far, what do you say we agree to terms. I usually do the lyrics, but in this case, I'd say we co-wrote the lyrics and each have a share in them. The melody and arrangement are yours as far as I know.

[JamTimeMusic]

Well I generally work on a 50 50 basis with my co writer and that's even if I do the most work. I believe that in a song writing process you inspire me and I inspire you and without each other there would be no song. If you're happy with that then we're all set. It also saves us disagreeing on what is good or not allowing us to concentrate on making the song the best it can be.

Sound good?

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey Tom,

Some thoughts on your lyric so far:

Burnt

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Yep, liking the first verse.

Time was

We were happening (one too many syllables) I think the 'We were happy' line works well.

Lust and love (Love and lust)?

Overlapping Not sure about these two lines. Seem a bit vague in terms of the story but they work well with the melody.

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt (And now I'm burnt) "Was" doesn't scan so well for me.

I’m burnt

Gut feeling says change the approach more on the repeat but keeping the I'm burnt still

E.g. When I kept on trying

You fed me to the lions LOL bad example but I think you know what I mean. I’m struggling to concentrate on a good lyric right now as my wife is playing the piano.

Now I'm burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still needing me

Not sure if the last three lines are needed in the chorus but I will experiment with the melody. I feel it should end "Now I'm burnt" to keep that lyric in the listeners mind.

I imagined you and I were made of

The finest kind of steel that never bends (interesting line) At first I though hmm but yeah I think it could work.

Somehow in a fiery moment

We melt down (I like We, but ‘I melt down’ is an alternative)

Time was

We were happy

Black and white,

Good and bad days (I feel this last line may rush the melody into the chorus. Again the last two lines a bit vague for me)

CHORUS

you say that he was meaningless

I say I must mean even less

You still want the love that we’re in

Babe, you’re not the one who’s burnin'

Like this M8 alot. I found the melody instantly. It lifts well.

CHORUS

This song is really coming along Tom. Great work on the lyrics so far. Let me know what you think of my suggestions.

JD

Edited March 20, 2011 by JamTimeMusic

[McnaughtonPark]

Sound good?

50/50 is fine with me, I like your perspective on the subject as well.

Like this M8 alot. I found the melody instantly. It lifts well.

Happy about this as well, those words woke me up at 4:30am. Knew I'd have to write it down, fed the cat, drank too much coffee, you know the drill.

Not sure if the last three lines are needed in the chorus but I will experiment with the melody. I feel it should end "Now I'm burnt" to keep that lyric in the listeners mind.

I added the last three lines to go along with what you were singing. Must have not heard that part right. Sounded to me like you were looking for something more to sing. Does the I'm burnt just repeat at the end then?

How about I answer the rest with another re-write. I can't wait to hear the rest of the melody, I like what you have so far.

[McnaughtonPark]

Here is another version. I tried to accomodate all of your ideas, but let me know if I missed something, or if the words aren't working.

Burnt

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Time was

We were happy

All our cares

Overlapping

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the edge

You drove the final wedge

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

I imagined you and I were made of

The finest kind of steel that never bends

Somehow in a heated moment

I melt down

Time was

We were splendid

Our good nights

Never ended

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the edge

You drove the final wedge

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

You say that he was meaningless

I say I must mean even less

You still want the love that we’re in

Babe, you’re not the one that’s burnin’

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

now I'm burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the edge

You drove the final wedge

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

[McnaughtonPark]

or this

Burnt

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Time was

We were so good

Living life

Best that we could

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

I imagined you and I were made of

The finest kind of steel that never bends

Somehow in a heated moment

I melt down

Time was

We were splendid

Our good nights

Never ended

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

You say that he was meaningless

I say I must mean even less

You still want the love that we’re in

Babe, you’re not the one that’s burnin’

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey Tom,

The second write is getting real close.

I'm running out of time this morning so I can't throw many ideas back.

Some thoughts on what hit me:

The second Pre the word Splendid is not a word that I think works in a song although it works melodically.

On the chorus Wire works for me but Higher isn't working in terms of the story I don't feel. Edge/wedge didnt work due to one too few syllables.

I've just listened to my original idea again so I need to sit down and work out the ending of the chorus. I will do that later hopefully.

Nice one

JD

[McnaughtonPark]

another verse and pre-2

I believed you and I were true lovers

Wondered where I stopped and you began

How in the fleetest of moments

Does that end

I like happy, trying to make happy rhyme makes me unhappy.

So all together:

Burnt

I imagine every time you are silent

You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend

Somehow if I ask the questions

You'll break down

Time was

We were happy

With our lives

Maybe crazy

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

I believed you and I were true lovers

Wondered where I stopped and you began

How in the fleetests of the moments

Does that end

Time was

all of our needs

You'd fall down

I'd be bleading

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

Now I'm burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

You say that he was meaningless

I say I must mean even less

You still want the love that we’re in

Babe, you’re not the one who’s burnin’

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

And I was burnt

I’m burnt

I was led to the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burnt

I’m burnt

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

Edited March 21, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[Lazz]

'Burnt' should be 'burned' throughout.

Sounds better, sings better.

Makes better sense.

.

[Dee]

I know we've moved on from the "why didn't more participate" conversation but I would like to contribute if I may. I would have loved to enter but as I only joined in January and this challenge was posted in December, I thought I would be too "new", I was still feeling my way around, unsure if I had any talent or not.

Now, two or so months on, I'm gaining confidence. I participated in FAWM and had a couple of collabs with favourable feedback. Whilst I'm still learning and taking on board comments made, I feel I'm ready for a challenge. So if ever there is another one, as long as it is well publicised, I'm up for it!!

[McnaughtonPark]

There is a flip-flop of tense throughout this piece isn't there.

Time was

We were happy

You lost out

You could've had me

But I was led by desire

You held me to the fire

Now I’m burned

I’m burned

I was focused on the wire

You drove me even higher

Now I’m burned

I’m burned

Wounded, I’m leaving

While you’re still

Still bleeding me

I'ts good to see you Lazz. Sorry to hear about all the hardships, but knowing your experience with the verb in question, i won't argue. So, does this piece play on the piano?

Edited March 21, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[McnaughtonPark]

I feel I'm ready for a challenge.

First challenge Dee, give me some critical feedback on the lyric. Specifically, could you see a woman singing this? Does it make sense? Are the ideas too simple or complex?

Edited March 21, 2011 by McnaughtonPark

[Dee]

okay MP I will. I shall have a listen and a look tomorrow. It's after 10 p.m. here and I've tired eyes and my bed is calling.

Will give it my full attention in the morning

[JamTimeMusic]

I know we've moved on from the "why didn't more participate" conversation but I would like to contribute if I may. I would have loved to enter but as I only joined in January and this challenge was posted in December, I thought I would be too "new", I was still feeling my way around, unsure if I had any talent or not.

Now, two or so months on, I'm gaining confidence. I participated in FAWM and had a couple of collabs with favourable feedback. Whilst I'm still learning and taking on board comments made, I feel I'm ready for a challenge. So if ever there is another one, as long as it is well publicised, I'm up for it!!

I will do another Dee. Keep your eye out for collabs. If you have any lyrics post em and let me know.

JD

P.s. Never too new. Well not in my mind anyway! Welcome.