Challenge #4 Current News

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Sorry it's a day late. This week's challenge is in two parts....

 

Part 1:

 

Write a song inspired by something in this week's news. Please supply a link to that news item to aid discussion about the lyrics. Note, the lyrics need only to be "inspired by" although you can literally write about the specific incident if that is how you are inspired.

 

Part 2:

 

Your song lyrics should be in first person either as one of the main characters, or as a witness who was a secondary character (giving a mixed perspective)

 

I hope you enjoy this one. Writing about current events can be very interesting and quite challenging!

 

Cheers

 

John

 

[goldylocks]

I wrote this song about the Wild Fire in my state of Arizona. Here is the news reference. It's a tragic memory. So I wrote this in honor of the 19 who died.

 

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/01/19-firefighters-killed-battling-arizona-blaze/

 

 

 

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

 

A lightening bolt came down

A flashing fork of Hell

Forcing out all the people

From the town of Yarnell  

 

Nineteen hot shot fighters saw  

Hungry flames eat up the air

Licking trees in the forests

Burning  wild land everywhere 

 

Chorus:

 

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

Leaping fire walls all around

Singed they battled day and night

Never giving up the fight

Never giving up the fight

Laying down their lives that day

Not one of them walked away

 

Verse:

 

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

On the day of June 30, 2013  

Brave men and a woman

Became news history

 

Verse:

 

A  flag flies in their honor

Flowers spread near the fire station

In memory of their loyal duty

To everyone in the nation

 

Bridge:

 

Wildfires are relentless 

One of man's worst enemies

Once a fire is burning

It can destroy anything

 

Chorus: Repeat 

 

Edited October 31, 2013 by goldylocks

[john]

A pretty good job as a start Goldy... I would make a couple of observations and suggestions:

Emotion. You describe a harrowing scene, and telay the facts, but it's all kept at arm's length. Thinking of the second part of the brief by wroting 1st party with this topc would be hard (as say one of the victims) however you could write as the fire chief or as the 20th team member stuck on a nearby hill watching death roll down relentlessly on his team. I am sure he would have been in a turmoil. Or perhaps as a fictional witness like a home owner. The point is, in 1st person the singer would have been far closer to the action, more directly affected. So perhaps rewrite with that in mind... use I, my, he she you etc just as you would relating this same story as someone who was there. Include emotive language, describe feelings and reactions. At a few points it feels a bit forced, like lines are there, are ordered and constructed just to make the rhyme. It's not heavily evident but I do notice that. I would perhaps used a less bouncy rhyme scheme for such a serious topic. For examplr not AABB or ABAB but instead used ABCc where the c is a half rhyme. just a thought.

In the first section you mention a lighting bolt coming down from hell. Being picky (my job) I would point out hell is below, but I do like the image. Perhaps a change in the wording? Try changing line 2 to:

A fork of flashing hell Other than that the meter is a little awkward at points, in part helping that forced feeling, so I would look to tighten up the phrasing to preserve the rhythm and flow and to apply your rhyme scheme more consistantly.

What you do have is a promising beginning. I look forward to your next draft. Deserving topic.

[goldylocks]

John, I'm not familiar with abc rhyme scheme, could you give me an example, so I can see it, before I attempt to re write this. It sounds like there is no rhyme, but I'm not sure.   

 

Thanks Goldy

A pretty good job as a start Goldy... I would make a couple of observations and suggestions:

Emotion. You describe a harrowing scene, and telay the facts, but it's all kept at arm's length. Thinking of the second part of the brief by wroting 1st party with this topc would be hard (as say one of the victims) however you could write as the fire chief or as the 20th team member stuck on a nearby hill watching death roll down relentlessly on his team. I am sure he would have been in a turmoil. Or perhaps as a fictional witness like a home owner. The point is, in 1st person the singer would have been far closer to the action, more directly affected. So perhaps rewrite with that in mind... use I, my, he she you etc just as you would relating this same story as someone who was there. Include emotive language, describe feelings and reactions. At a few points it feels a bit forced, like lines are there, are ordered and constructed just to make the rhyme. It's not heavily evident but I do notice that. I would perhaps used a less bouncy rhyme scheme for such a serious topic. For examplr not AABB or ABAB but instead used ABCc where the c is a half rhyme. just a thought.

In the first section you mention a lighting bolt coming down from hell. Being picky (my job) I would point out hell is below, but I do like the image. Perhaps a change in the wording? Try changing line 2 to:

A fork of flashing hell Other than that the meter is a little awkward at points, in part helping that forced feeling, so I would look to tighten up the phrasing to preserve the rhythm and flow and to apply your rhyme scheme more consistantly.

What you do have is a promising beginning. I look forward to your next draft. Deserving topic.

[john]

Well two points are that your rhyme scheme varies a bit, but you are also using full or perfect rhyme (masculine, feminine or dactylic), rather than a half rhyme, semi-rhyme, weak rhyme.

It's not an ABC rhyme scheme either, but ABCc. I use lower case to indicate a half rhyme, semi-rhyme, weak rhyme etc and upper case for a perfect rhyme.

I closed my eyes ( A )
I focused my mind ( B )
I could still see you there ( C )
Your feet up, just staring ( c )

This is an example of a semi rhyme, ie an extra syllable added for the rhyme between there and staring.

Using an ABCC base pattern is less "bouncy" in feel than ABAB or AABB with or without a perfect rhyme.

As you have 8 line verses you could step away from a 4 line pattern into an 8 line pattern such as ABBCDEEC, or whatever you want really. All just suggestions. You come up with the rhyme scheme and then apply it in a consistant way (depending on genre depends just how strictly you apply the rhyme scheme, for example for any country music being consistant with rhyme is very important)

[goldylocks]

Well here's another effort. This is harder than it looks, I almost always right in third person. Only a few lyrics have I written in first person, but being a novice at writing lyrics who knows if they are written right. Anyway I tried. I wrote the syllables I used, when you said the meter is off, so it is not off by more than 1 or 2.

 

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

 

I saw a lightening bolt come down                 9 syallables 

A flashing fork of Hell striking the land            9

Hungry flames licked the standing trees        9

Death's face rose from the burning leaves     9

 

Nineteen young hot shot fighters came         9

Into the swirling smoky wilderness                  10

My eyes stung and the tears streamed down           9

into the flames they went bravely bound          10

 

Chorus:

 

Nineteen Hot Shots Down                             6

I heard them cry with fear in their eyes        9

My mouth hung open in shocked surprise     9

I saw them search on the scorched ground   8

One by one bringing the bodies downed       9

Sorrow flowed in the air like smoke      9

The fire chief spoke with lost hope          9

Nineteen Hot Shots Down                             6

 

Verse:

 

Sadly I remember the day                              8

Courage screaming out of their eyes                   7

Battling through the raging fire wall               8

Loyal to the day they were called                  7

 

Verse:

 

 A flag of love flies in their honor                   9

My Flowers lie near the station            9

In memory of the Nineteen Hot Shots               10

Who forever will be in our thoughts

 

 

Chorus: Repeat

Edited July 3, 2013 by goldylocks

[john]

I guess that's a big part of the lyrics challenges... helping you improve as a writer by confronting areas that many writers are weak on. If they were all about things we could easily do they wouldn't be much of a challenge and the potential benefit would be much less

There's absolutely nothing to be lost from going through the edit loop several times. It lets the lyrics evolve and take shape.

I think you definitely improved some aspects there though you forgot the 1st person in the last verse. Easily fixed.

Okay let me see what constructive suggestions I can make. I'm viewing/typing this on my cell phone so I'll need to make my comments in stages.

The first 4 lines work pretty well so let's leave them more or less for this edit cycle (though as you iterate the drafts you may find you want to tweak them later). The only change I would suggest there would be to replace "struck" with "striking". The whole thing with meter is not for the 4 lines of a verse to match in syllable count but to have comparable lines of different similar sections match in syllable count.. eg line 1 verse 1 with line 1 verse 2 and so on.

The second group of 4 lines needs a bit of work. Just now the lines sound a little awkward, contrived and are laying it on a bit thick...

Phrasing wise it's not quite right but the two issues that stand out for me are the overly descriptive "smoky wilderness of loss" and the end of line rhymes in lines 3 & 4.

This already is an emotive subject, the interpretation of the base facts are already naturally emotive. Yes use naturally emotive language in reaction to the events but "smoky wilderness of loss" is too introspective, it lays it on too thick, unnecessarily. There are plenty genuinely sad aspects to the story without you having to manufacture them. It makes it far too contrived. It's funny how two smal words can add that effect. I would suggest something where you describe the scene and let the listener/reader have their own reaction and interpretation would work better at this point.

Perhaps you could change that line to:

"Into the swirling, smoky wilderness"

That brings in a confusing element to the scene, employs aliteration to underline that, and it makes the point in a more subtle way allowing the listener to naturally react and interpret the scene.

Line 3 I think is wrong. The image of something do cold and alien to such hot thoughts jars too much, the contrast is so strong it too feels contrived. It would probably be a better idea to go with something directly related to the previous lines like:

"My eyes stung and the tears streamed down"

That works on a couple of levels at tears are a natural reaction to smoke but also evocative of sadness and loss.

Line 4 of that section suffers a similar contrived feel to the smoky line. Better to intone the emotion than boldly state it. The rawnesd of the scene is plenty without overpainting it. So perhaps something that continues the story and contains some of what the current line means, like:

"Laid down on the black scorched ground"

Although the down / ground rhyme is maybe a little too strong? Some more to be done there, but perhaps enough of a change fo this round of edits. Apartfrom that you use "scorched ground" in the chorus so perhaps another 4th line is needed here altogether.

I like the way you use the hot shots down lines at the beginning and end of the chorus. It works well. There is still room for improvement in the chorus but perhaps leave those tweaks for the next edit cycle?

Verse 3, how about replacing "fear" with "courage"? That would seem to be more in line with a tribute.

For me the last line of the last verse doesn't work. It seems too flippant.

[goldylocks]

I guess that's a big part of the lyrics challenges... helping you improve as a writer by confronting areas that many writers are weak on. If they were all about things we could easily do they wouldn't be much of a challenge and the potential benefit would be much less

There's absolutely nothing to be lost from going through the edit loop several times. It lets the lyrics evolve and take shape.

I think you definitely improved some aspects there though you forgot the 1st person in the last verse. Easily fixed.

Okay let me see what constructive suggestions I can make. I'm viewing/typing this on my cell phone so I'll need to make my comments in stages.

The first 4 lines work pretty well so let's leave them more or less for this edit cycle (though as you iterate the drafts you may find you want to tweak them later). The only change I would suggest there would be to replace "struck" with "striking". The whole thing with meter is not for the 4 lines of a verse to match in syllable count but to have comparable lines of different similar sections match in syllable count.. eg line 1 verse 1 with line 1 verse 2 and so on.

The second group of 4 lines needs a bit of work. Just now the lines sound a little awkward, contrived and are laying it on a bit thick...

Phrasing wise it's not quite right but the two issues that stand out for me are the overly descriptive "smoky wilderness of loss" and the end of line rhymes in lines 3 & 4.

This already is an emotive subject, the interpretation of the base facts are already naturally emotive. Yes use naturally emotive language in reaction to the events but "smoky wilderness of loss" is too introspective, it lays it on too thick, unnecessarily. There are plenty genuinely sad aspects to the story without you having to manufacture them. It makes it far too contrived. It's funny how two smal words can add that effect. I would suggest something where you describe the scene and let the listener/reader have their own reaction and interpretation would work better at this point.

Perhaps you could change that line to:

"Into the swirling, smoky wilderness"

That brings in a confusing element to the scene, employs aliteration to underline that, and it makes the point in a more subtle way allowing the listener to naturally react and interpret the scene.

Line 3 I think is wrong. The image of something do cold and alien to such hot thoughts jars too much, the contrast is so strong it too feels contrived. It would probably be a better idea to go with something directly related to the previous lines like:

"My eyes stung and the tears streamed down"

That works on a couple of levels at tears are a natural reaction to smoke but also evocative of sadness and loss.

Line 4 of that section suffers a similar contrived feel to the smoky line. Better to intone the emotion than boldly state it. The rawnesd of the scene is plenty without overpainting it. So perhaps something that continues the story and contains some of what the current line means, like:

"Laid down on the black scorched ground"

Although the down / ground rhyme is maybe a little too strong? Some more to be done there, but perhaps enough of a change fo this round of edits. Apartfrom that you use "scorched ground" in the chorus so perhaps another 4th line is needed here altogether.

I like the way you use the hot shots down lines at the beginning and end of the chorus. It works well. There is still room for improvement in the chorus but perhaps leave those tweaks for the next edit cycle?

Verse 3, how about replacing "fear" with "courage"? That would seem to be more in line with a tribute.

For me the last line of the last verse doesn't work. It seems too flippant.

I'm having a heck of a time with the last line, getting it to flow without changing the verse. I followed your suggestions, also changed the chorus line 6 and 7. Thanks for your help, and teaching me how to write lyrics with a natural flow, instead of being contrived. I also, changed it writing as one of the dead hot shots. I tried to get a better flow.

Nineteen Hot Shots Down

I saw a lightening bolt come down 

A flashing fork of Hell striking 

Hungry flames licking green trees 

Death waiting in burning leaves 

I came with the nineteen hot shots 

Into the swirling smoky wilderness 

My eyes stung and tears streamed down 

Marching into flames leaping all around

Chorus:

Nineteen Hot Shots Down 

When I heard that desperate cry

I knew that I just died

I saw them laid on black scorched ground 

One by one bringing our bodies downed 

Sorrow flowed in the air like smoke 

Tears fell when the fire chief spoke

Nineteen Hot Shots Down 

Verse:

Sadly l remember the day 

Courage screaming out of my eyes 

Battling a raging fire wall

Until I took that fatal fall 

Verse:

 

A flag of love flies high in our honor 

Flowers spread, lie near the station 

Tribute paid for the ultimate cost

In memory of the Nineteen lost

 

 

Chorus: Repeat

 

Edited April 5, 2014 by goldylocks

[Kel]

As far as news items, it hard to go past the tragic events in Arizona. Even from way down here is Oz it makes an impact.

 

A different take inspired by the same event.

 

Freckle Faced Kid

 

I still remember that freckle faced kid

Mowed our lawns every second weekend

Raked the leaves into piles

Took ‘em up down in the compost by the back fence.

 

The freckle faced kid became a handsome young man

Did odd jobs for the folks in the street

Saved up for his first truck

Waved out the window as he passed by on his way into town.

 

He left school and joined the army

Tours in Iraq and Afghanistan

Made his Dad so proud he served

Like he did in Viet Nam way back in the day.

 

When he came home he was so different

I guess the things he’d seen had marked him

He left for Arizona, said he had a new plan…

 

We’ll never see him again I know

But the whole town knows his name

They mention him with pride

And tip their hats to his Mom and his Dad…

 

The freckle faced kid won’t be coming home

But he’ll never be on his own

He’s with his friends forever

Where they fell in the fire zone that hot summer day

 

When the Hotshots paid….

When the Hotshots paid…

When the Hotshots paid the ultimate price,

When the Hotshots paid….

When the Hotshots paid…

When the Hotshots paid.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Kel

[Kel]

This story was always going to compete for this week's challenge, so I'll put it in too:

 

http://www.themonthly.com.au/issue/2013/may/1367364737/erik-jensen/kevin-rudd-s-unrelenting-campaign-regain-power

 

We recently had another change of leadership in Australian politics...

 

Sing along to the tune of Smoke On The Water, if you know the song beyond the riff!

 

 

Backstabber Got Backstabbed

 

In the halls of power

On the shores of Burley-Griffin

Came a whisper of a power play

That would stop the nation.

We all rushed to find out

Was it gonna happen

There'd be times before this

But the joker wasn't played then.

 

Then came the announcement

Every one waited for

Like a phoenix from the ashes

The nerd was kicking at the door

 

Backstabber got backstabbed

But would he twist the knife

Backstabber got backstabbed...

 

Striding down the corridor

She came with her faceless men

All smiles and confident

Nothing would change again

Then the nerd from Brisbane

Came to announce his stand

This time it would be different

The Joker showed his hand

 

Backstabber got backstabbed

But would he twist the kniife?

Backstabber got backstabbed...

 

When the door was opened

A hush settled round the hall

The count was read, a gasp was heard

Nobody made a sound

And then we all digested

The news we were waiting for...

 

Backstabber got backstabbed

The Joker really twisted the knife

Backstabber got backstabbed...

[Kel]

As one of my favourite songs of all time, I'll listen to it any chance I get! Is there some significance to the 5th?

K

[Kel]

Nah, Just you posted on the 5th friday and i had not played the cd for a while and did on friday, reminded me of the other coincidence I had with something in one of your emails?

 

Deep Purple is my all time fav band, grew up on them and love Smoke on the water,

 

Skin

You and me both!

K