No Name

[Lucas Richards]

Lie in bed with all the lights off

tell yourself that you aren't alone

but you'll never find someone,

you'll never find a home

 

can you ever be happy inside,

when all your hope has died?

feelings have been sent to hide,

and no one is by your side?

 

I had the choice

I opened my mouth, but had no voice

an empty whisper, no one listens,

i'm getting used to how nothing glistens

 

Things change so quickly,

I'm now all alone so far away

sometimes I wish i jumped

but I always hope you're okay

 

I will grow old alone

not realizing what I've done until its too late

I closed all the doors

not realizing I was destroying fate

 

I am now the lonely old man

sitting staring off his deck

i am angry at the world for what i lost

i am angry at my arthritic neck

 

In life, I missed my shots

I was left wondering what if

now i'm counting down the moments

until god takes me for a lift

[Nater92]

Good writing. Keep it up. Needs work on rhyme placement. Lyrics have potential with some refinement and a better climax and end.

[iceracer777]

The rhymes are good but a little irregular. Take Heart it ain't over 'til it's over! Read some of my Fun with Limericks.

 

Faith

 

If anxious Worry keeps You up at Night,

It's kinda like Drivin' with no Headlights!

Always scared what's Ahead'

Will I Live or wind up Dead!

Have Faith, everything gonna be up Tight and outa Sight!

[Lyriclady]

This was good, I agree with the two above me regarding placement, rhyme scheme, but overall it kept me interested. Good read!

[Miss T]

this is a potentially good write. add a little bit of rhyme and change a bit off placement, overall it sounded potentially gd..

 

ex:

 

 Lie in bed with all the lights off

tell yourself that you're not alone

though you've not found someone,

you'll never need to find a home

 

this is an example of what i thought would sound better i might be wrong there are many other ways to write.

 

if u dun lk ths ex just ignore it

[wilmot]

Good work but needs polishing. Some stuff to help the reader along a bit. As it is now, I stumble in places.

 

If you want suggestions, here's a couple of ideas:

 

You could work more on the rhythm of the thing, as in the second line of the first stanza where I thing "are not" would work better than "aren't". Reversely, I think that the "no one is" ind the last line of the second stanza should be "no one's".

 

Also, since you're not really using repetition as as thing through out, you should try to avoid having too much of it. Once you've established the theme of a stanza, you have some freedom that you can use to get a slightly different vibe. As I reader, that sort of thing can keep you more in the game. Say in the first stanza, instead of having "you'll" in the last line too try to mix it up with something like "No place. No home" - The reader will get the implied "You'll have no" from what comes before. Or perhaps changing the last line in the third stanza into "Getting used now to how nothing glistens" - I think there's a rhythm there that can work.

[Kenj]

Plenty dark.  Maybe be more fierce?  It seems a howl of despair.  That's a wild thing.  Wild things don't pause and pick a word that rhymes, so seeing that happen doesn't quite seem to work.  But it is affecting.  It makes me afraid, in a good way.  Possibly kind of leaves off with just the old man with the hurting neck.  No passage, even if the passage is to something even blacker.