a demon ( Song lyric critique)

[blue river]

Edit: Thank you guys so much for the suggestions! Still a wip and still have some organizing to do 😃 but it's much better than before!

 

My life is not my own

Something's here with me

Is it friend or foe, I can not tell

It never lets me be

Sometimes I am fine

Sometimes life is hell

 

There's a demon deep inside me

It's been there since I was young

I can feel it in my ribcage

Pressing up against my lungs

 

 

Before I speak I ask the demon

What it thinks of what I said

And sometimes when it gets lonely

It vacations in my head

 

How it got there, no one knows

But when it leaves I feels alone

And I don't mind my own demon

Because I know it calls me home

 

All I know is

Disapproval from my dad

And my mom just thinks it's sad

That I'm living without "loving"

But this is the best of life I've had

 

And it doesn't drive me crazy

Nor make me go insane

I guess I'm just used to all the chaos

That's constant in my brain

 

My demon understands me

It gets my life is a mess

My demon understands the demons

Living in my chest

 

 

[LadyStarkaryen]

2 hours ago, blue river said:

A bit of writers block, if anyone can help? These are the verses I have but I don't know what direction to take it for the bridge and chorus. If you have any suggestions, let me know, thanks!

 

There's a demon deep inside her

It's been there since she was young

She can feel it in her ribcage

Pressing up against her lung

 

How it got there, she doesn’t know

But when it leaves she feels alone

She doesn’t mind the demon

Because it makes her feel at home

 

Before she speaks she asks her demon

What they think of what she said

And sometimes when it gets lonely

It vacations in her head

 

 

I'm new to this but chorus for me kinda depends on what sort of style you imagine your song to be. I hear it in kind of pop-rock vibe. Envisioning a style might help you get to the chorus!

 

I like the lyrics, it's imaginative, I've been binge-watching Disenchantment so the imagery of a girl's demon is vivid in my mind LOL

 

Just a suggestion for a potentially better flow:

 

From

 

How it got there, she doesn’t know

But when it leaves she feels alone

 

to

 

How it got there no-one knows

When it leaves she feels alone  

 

Keep going!

 

Rose

[blue river]

Thanks!

[Cody]

yeah nice write....... just little flowy issues, but that's just for me, in my head while reading,  how I'd sing it...everyone's different

 

3 hours ago, blue river said:

She doesn’t mind the demon

Because it makes her feel at home

 

I will almost never sing because,  because well it's just awkward for me

 

She doesn't mind the demon

It's made her feel at home, or It's made itself a home, or makes her not feel alone, or   

 

3 hours ago, blue river said:

They're intertwined both in her mind

Because her and the demon are the same

 

They're intertwined both in her mind

Intimate (lovers?, friends?, etc?) one and the same ,  or been together so long, given a name..........whatever all just little nitpicky tweaks   write it how it flows best for you. 

 

nice write! and not everything needs a "chorus"  

[John W Selleck]

Hi,

I would use your first 2 verses as your chorus and build verses around that. I would also write it in first person. There are words that you can do without and many songwriting books etc. push the less is more.Here are some of my thoughts, Keep or sweep=KOS!

 

My life is not my own

Something's here with me

Ruling what I think and do

It never lets me be

Is it a friend or foe

I can't really tell

Sometimes I am fine

Sometimes life is hell

 

There's a demon deep inside me

It's been here since I was young

I can feel it in my rib-cage

Pressing up against my lungs

How it got there, no one knows

But when it leaves I feel alone

I don't mind my demon

It makes me feel at home

 

 (Chorus?)

Its been years and years and

Still it's ghost is playing its game

They're intertwined both in her mind

Because her and the demon are the same

 

Before she speaks she asks her demon

What they think of what she said

And sometimes when it gets lonely

It vacations in her head

[Anaezia]

16 hours ago, blue river said:

(Chorus?)

Its been years and years and years and

Still my ghost is playing its game

They're intertwined both in my mind

Because me and my demon are the same

My demon is with me all the time

Its my friend, in my head, in my mind

It doesn't drive me crazy

Doesn't make me insane

But it keeps me company 

when I'm lonely, when I'm crying

 

I just took your lines and made it into a chorus. Hope this helps. I loved the lyrics. Personally I would exclude the ghost part. I would only let this song be about my demons(well as per my understanding they are the same but..), and leave the ghosts for another part.

 

And I only write simple songs soo umm, hope it helps. 😄

 

[MikeRobinson]

Here's a thought ... "introduce a separate, contrasting, point of view."

 

Although this story is, and probably should remain, a "first-person narrative," you could easily add contrast by introducing verses where the storyteller references an alternative point of view, whether-or-not he specifically names its source.   "No matter how you choose to do it, give the audience contrast."

 

I think that's very important because – "we" are not "you."  It's very hard to relate to someone whose life is "disappearing down a drain of his own making, too bad for him."  Instead, we look for that pivotal point-of-view.  Something that "we, as outsiders," can personally relate to when confronted by the storyteller's [presumed fictional ...] situation.  Something that maybe offers hope.  At least, something which makes us realize that the storyteller is aware of the outside world.  Something which tells us that "this poor soul" might at least be aware of his predicament, whether or not he "begins the turn" (or: "begins to realize what the nature of his problem actually is") within the chosen confines of your song.