#20 - My Personal Demon (Vagda)

[Vagdavercustis]

Verse 1:

Jumped on a train

Destination unknown

I think it was the rain

That made my make-up flow

Down of my face

Stains on my dress

 

 

Verse 2:

What a first impress

With your headphones on

Cellphone in hand

How could I know

That talking to you

Would bring such a big mess

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed

We had something true

 

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights

Hiding up the bruises

Couldn't count the lies

Make up, brake up

It was all part of the game

Hoping I could wake up

But everything stayed the same

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed

We had something true

 

 

 

Bridge:

What's a heart worth

Loved but empty

Illusions made for the dreamers

 

[Rudi]

Verse 1:

Jumped on a train

Destination unknown

I think it was the rain

That made my make-up flow

Down of my face (down my face / down from my face)

Stains on my dress

 

 

Verse 2:

What a first impress (impression)

With your headphones on

Cellphone in hand

How could I know

That talking to you

Would bring such a big mess

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed (truely)

We had something true

 

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights

Hiding up the bruises

Couldn't count the lies

Make up, brake up

It was all part of the game

Hoping I could wake up

But everything stayed the same

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed (truely)

We had something true

 

 

 

Bridge:

What's a heart worth

Loved but empty

Illusions made for the dreamers

 

 

Just a quick scan Vagda. The odd typo or odd sounding line.

 

Down of my face (down my face / down from my face)

'Down of my face' is actually  ok. Just an odd means of expression.

 

What a first impress (impression) I like 'what a first impress' better than 'impression', but again its odd and I want you to be aware of that.

 

Structure wise it all looks to be fine.

 

I like the 'tale telling'. Left home with nowhere to go and ended up with this turbulent relationship.

Its a bit of a jump from one to the other though.

 

I am wondering where did you go? Did he see you crying and make the first move?

Did he take you home to live with him?

Its ok just to imply this stuff, but its niether implied nor explained. It may not be important, but its what I am wondering. Get another point of view before changing anything. Hopefully Donna will look in.

 

Fine draft write though.

 

Good Luck

 

Rudi

[goldylocks]

Vagda, this is a good start of your story, but I agree with Rudi, it doesn't go anywhere. I made a few suggestions to help .Keep or sweep 

 

Jumped on a train

Destination unknown

I think it was the rain

That made my make-up flow

Down of my face/ down off/ or from

Stains on my dress/And stained my dress

 

 

Verse 2:

What a first impress/impression

With your headphones on

Cellphone in hand

How could I know

That talking to you

Would bring such a big mess/ awkward/You'd leave me stressed/or bring me stress

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask/don't know if golden fits, maybe shallow

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived/my heart was deceived

Made an angel out of you I made an angel/ sounds better

I truelly believed

We had something true

 

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights

Hiding up the bruises/Hiding all the bruises

Couldn't count the lies

Make up, brake up/break up

It was all part of the game

Hoping I could wake up

But everything stayed the same

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed

We had something true

 

 

 

Bridge:/ this needs work, it doesn't connect very well

What's a heart worth

Loved but empty/Filled with empty illusions

Illusions made for the dreamers/Of love for dreamers

 

Goldy  

Edited November 22, 2013 by goldylocks

[Vagdavercustis]

Hi Goldy & Rudi.

Thanks for the read and the comments!
You're right... it's missing structure, storywise.
Just don't know how to put the whole story in just one lyric.
Need to think this over again.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Vagda,,

 

Good start

 

My Personal Demon

 

Verse 1:

Jumped on a train

Destination unknown……Leaving home/miles to go

I think it was the rain……I blamed it on the rain

That made my make-up flow

Down of my face

Stains on my dress

 

……I like how the v1 starts, but on reading the whole song, I don’t’ think it fits, or at least isn’t adding it own weight for the amount of space it’s taking up b/c later the v3 implies this is a chronic problem not a one-time run away from a bad situation.

 

 

Verse 2:

What a first impress (impression)

With your headphones on

Cellphone in hand

How could I know

That talking to you

Would bring such a big mess….I’m not getting the connection of headphones and cellphone to making the singee alluring; those are common items…..maybe a physical feature or a demeanor, voice…..something unique that makes the singer fall for the singee

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed

We had something true…something in the imagery doesn’t quite work, but something also does work……maybe more like My angel of death…or cold-stone gargoyle….something to foreshadow the physical abuse and maybe hint that the singee killed the singer…..or leave it open that the singer has just been attacked, again, and the audience doesn’t know if the outcome will be life or death……It reminds me a bit of a great twist on words where Sherryl Crow sings “My Favorite Mistakeâ€

 

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights…..nice

Hiding up the bruises……nice

Couldn't count the lie…..maybe ‘countless lies’

Make up, brake up

It was all part of the game….’the game’ seems to take away from the seriousness…..like the singer was just playing a game as well….how about ‘It was all part of your way….or your game’…..

 

Or……It was all part of the pain…….

 

Hoping I could wake up…..nice

But everything stayed the same….or….but nothing ever changed

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart deceived

Made an angel out of you

I truelly believed

We had something true

 

 

 

Bridge: ….I’m not clear on how this fits in the song…..

What's a heart worth

Loved but empty

Illusions made for the dreamers…whose heart is being talked about the singer or singee?

 

Keep or toss as you wish,

 

James

[Vagdavercustis]

Here is my first rewrite.
Still thinking about chancing my chorus or not.

 

Verse 1:

What a first impression

Your smiling blue eyes

Allready felt a connection

It caught be my surprise

How could I've ever know

That talking to you

Would turn into one big mess

 

Verse 2:

From that day it all went so fast

Everyday we were together

Knowing this would last

But your eyes turned dark

Voices started screaming

Your hands left their mark

My tears kept streaming

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart was deceived

I made an angel out of you

I truely believed

We had something true

 

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights

Hiding all the bruises

Couldn't count the lies

Make up, break up

It was all part of your game

Hoping I could wake up

But everything stayed the same

 

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart was deceived

I made an angel out of you

I truely believed

We had something true

 

Bridge:

Should have seen it comming

The knife behind your back

Should have started running

My vision turned to black

[jamestoffee]

Verse 1:

What a first impression

Your smiling blue eyes

Already felt a connection

It caught be my surprise

How could I've ever know

That talking to you

Would turn into one big mess.....you have two images competing "smiling" and "mess"......
..choose one to use and contrast with 'smile/frown' 'tidy or clean/mess'

 

Verse 2:

From that day it all went so fast

Everyday we were together

Knowing this would last....THINKING/HOPING/PRAYING this would last

But your eyes turned dark....contrast 'smile/anger' or 'light/dark' from v1 to v2

Voices started screaming

Your hands left their markS

My tears kept streaming.....try...I knew I'd be leaving

 

Chorus:

My personal demon

Behind a golden mask

Should have seen the signs

Run when I had the chance

My heart was deceived

I made an angel out of you

I truely believed....truly

We had something true....using truly then true is a bit too much....try something like ....you left me black and blue

 
My heart was deceived
I made an angel out of you
But you were too pleased
to leave me black and blue

 

Verse 3:

Midnight kisses, morning fights

Hiding all the bruises

Couldn't count the lies

Make up, break up

It was all part of your game

Hoping I could wake up

But everything stayed the same.....nothing ever changed

 

 

Bridge:....maybe more like

'this time you've gone too far'
a loaded gun; an unmarked car
only one of use will/can walk away with a broken heart

set up the tension/climax where he's about to kill her or she's about to
get revenge....you could spell it out, or leave it ambiguous for the listener

 

Should have seen it coming

The knife behind your back

Should have started running

My vision turned to black

[Vagdavercustis]

Thanks again for your thoughts and comments on my lyric!
I'm really sick at the moment so I can't put my thoughts into this at the moment.
Really frustrating!!!

[Vagdavercustis]

I'm back under the living again
Don't know if I can mak the deadline though

[Rudi]

Hi Vagda,

 

Glad to know youre ok again,

 

Your re=write is total. At first I thought it was a whole new song.

 

The old 1st verse added nothing to the story. Its a shame because it was a strong verse. I really think you should use it in another form and another song. The tears/make-up stains are well used ideas, but you used it well.

 

The rewrite is much better organised.

 

V1 attraction . excitement

V2 starts to flounder go wrong/suggestion of abuse.

v3 abuse and denial/forgiveness?

 

The abuse in both old & new versions are not well developed. It should be stark and shocking, but only fleetingly referred to. I understand that its because its a small thing compared to the emotional hurt.

 

Even so.....

The best line in v3 is 'Hiding all the bruises'. These are words that are multi-layered (you getting this John?).

 

The physical bruises are concealed.

The emotional bruises are denied.

 

So the one line says so much, and gives a sense of the emotional turmoil.

 

 

Since the chorus has stayed unchanged, perhaps it needs to be there. It is after all a summary of the whole story.

 

Its a good re-write. It will make a good song I think.

 

Rudi

[Vagdavercustis]

Thanks for the comment Rudi!

 

Some poeple said that I maybe needed to chance my chorus but I didn't.
It just feels right for me, so it stays there!

I think it still needs a final rewrite. 
The first verse is still not what I want it to be... but I just can't get it out right now.

[Rudi]

Well, knowing your own mind and knowing what you want is a very important thing. Not everyone does.

 

I don't always know what I what, but when I do, I end up with a much better creation.