Short Rap Verse

[bronzerebel]

Oh I get what you're saying. It would help.

[justsoulin]

[justsoulin]

Pack it in fesal .... NOW

[LooknGlass]

I think you have a good rhyme scheme, but I think the story needs more fluency. It seems a tad broken up in sub stories and thoughts, which is good if they pertain in someway to the story as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I think you did good, and I can see you have writing ability, I'm just noticing the lyric as a whole. It's a good first draft and I think if you keep it to one progressing story, it will be very good. Nice job and start.

[tomcollins]

wow , lol let me jump in here , the metaphore is fine , and been around , good use !!! down fall is not  putting a beat to it , firstly , even those who know nothing of rap , but are good at lyrics , can follow, training wheels, and you want that for the fact , they are good at their craft , like you . and are stepping out of their box to read and critique the best they can , kudos for that  !!  onto the next , lyrics,

some good stuff , but some lines just a word or two would make it more powerful , more on meaning then the stressed syllable or word . all three can take it to the next level, lol , we all know a simple word can make or break  !!  

like the no purity line , fits well . but do a good read thru it and I think a word or two may jump out at ya ,

again if beats was added it would help , tho it is flowing well enough to grab the beat , reason , is you have 1000 of years of talent here , may not know your side of the craft , but know the craft , feel me ??

think this is a damn solid write , just a tweak on a few things would bring it up a bit

rock on !!

[bronzerebel]

Thanks for the feedback guys

[symphonious7]

I listen to rap LOL  HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAY. Rap has always been about wordplay in ways that demolish the english language.  This is music from the streets, it was created by people who often times couldn't even get proper education, so now even when rappers are highly educated, just because of the nature of the genre you still talk like you're from the streets.  Back in the day they were using ill in all kinds of ways.  Run DMC "You be illin" and beasty boys "I got the ill communication"  it's kind of like... grammar is thrown out and if the writer can make up new words that still have a decipherable meaning it's cool.  And as far as the same rhymes at the end continuing, yea that's normal too.  Here's a nicki minaj song.  

 

I am not Jasmine, I am Aladdin
So far ahead, these bums is laggin'
See me in that new thing, bums is gaggin'
I'm startin' to feel like a dungeon dragon
Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon
I'm startin' to feel like a dungeon dragon
Look at my show footage, how these girls be spazzin'

 

So yea the continuous rhyme of words that shouldn't even rhyme is quite normal.  Alright now on to the OP's song.  

 

First line I'd change is "Turned into maternity" I'd make that "traded in for maternity"

Second is "Stuck in the sickness but you ain't gonna get no remedy" I'd make that "But you don't want the remedy" it fits better with the theme.  

 

Other than that this is pretty deep for a hip hop lyric.  Lots of great points being made about the girl having layers and putting up walls and treating guys like trash only to hide the fact that she wants a loving lasting relationship.  I think this was pretty dang decent man.  

[bronzerebel]

Thanks for the feedback symphonious

[bronzerebel]

And different and indifferent aren't rhyming on purpose. I just like the wordplay, like "this bitch is different" but then "she'll make you feel INdifferent" see what I mean?

[symphonious7]

And different and indifferent aren't rhyming on purpose. I just like the wordplay, like "this bitch is different" but then "she'll make you feel INdifferent" see what I mean?

To be fair, like I think without hearing how this rhyme would actually be delivered, it's difficult to make proper judgements.  And I can kind of see what Hobo is saying but it really depends on how it's delivered I think.  Written out that just looks like bad writing, but in the song it might work it's hard to tell with rap.  I mean honestly even the rap songs I like if you see their lyrics typed out they can look pretty stupid lol  Hear it in the track and then it's like "awwww yeaaaaa"  So I dunno, it's a difficult thing to critique without music.  

[symphonious7]

Let me clarify.  Accidental or not, "different" and "indifferent" is a rhyme, and with one each ending the first two lines, I know I will hear them as a rhyme - a weak one - regardless of the delivery or the music.  In my opinion, that wordplay with "different" and "indifferent" is cool, but would be more effective as an internal rhyme within the same line, or last least to anchor a two-line rhyme later on.  That's my opinion.  Feel free to have a differing opinion.  But, that's what mine is.  

holy crap.  I actually see EXACTLY what you're saying now, he needs to hook them first with some stronger lines and then after he's already got their attention use the weaker "different indifferent line".  I totally get what you mean now.  

[omenrama]

The repetition of a word would be called an "Identity Rhyme". Some writers (in Rap) do this very well, and some, well, not so much. I usually interpret a rhyme as such to be filler or lazy, not all the time, but most of the time.

Edited May 18, 2014 by omenrama

[RyanneLaRaye]

I think if you did use more commas or split it up a little more, it is easier for your audience to catch the vibe. Like maybe write it how you would spit it, you know? 

[omenrama]

"I think you have a good rhyme scheme, but I think the story needs more fluency. It seems a tad broken up in sub stories and thoughts"

 

I have such a hard time with this problem and have begun to remedy this by doing an outline before writing.

 

 

I think you have a good rhyme scheme, but I think the story needs more fluency. It seems a tad broken up in sub stories and thoughts, which is good if they pertain in someway to the story as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I think you did good, and I can see you have writing ability, I'm just noticing the lyric as a whole. It's a good first draft and I think if you keep it to one progressing story, it will be very good. Nice job and start.