Challenge #35 Peter The Elephant

[john]

Hi

 

This week's challenge has to be inspired by this video:

 

 

The exact direction, or even the level of inspiration, is up to you...

 

Please post your lyrics in development to the lyrics critique board. Please include "#35" in the topic title, and if you would include a link back to this group it would be appreciated.

 

Please post your finished lyrics as a reply to this topic.

 

Cheers

 

John

[jamestoffee]

>Jamestoffee lives in Thailand! Just saying!

 

Well Les,  if you are calling me out, it's a good thing things settled down enough for me to post something again LOL

 

I have seen elephants paint and play soccer....the "blues jam" was a first for me

 

Here's my submission:

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/37146-35-peter-the-blues-lovin-elephant/

[ames1212]

Hi skin and james. This is cute, the elephant gets into it, he's bouncing his head. I don't know if I should make a silly song for kids, or serius song.

[ames1212]

This one a fun Challenge.

I was inspired by the blues, so since most blues music does not have a lot of lines, it's a lot of repetition, this is a short silly song, but it bluesy. I had fun on this challenge.

 

 

 

Peanut Plays the Blues

 

He was a big Cool, Funny looking Dude,

Oh How he loved to play the blues.

Big ears and a funny nose,

but he still played on cues.

 

They called him peanut,

and he loved to play the blues,

he danced and played to the groove.

Oh Lordy, Peanut loved the Blues.

 

Some say he was a cool Cat,

Well Peanut wasn't down with that.

He was the elephant in the room.

he danced at the piano where he sat.

 

They called him peanut,

and he loved to play the blues,

he danced and played to the groove.

Oh Lordy, Peanut loved the Blues.

 

Oh How he loved to play the blues,

that peanut could really groove.

he danced as he started to play.

It just put him in the mood.

 

They called him peanut,

and he loved to play the blues,

he danced and played to the groove.

Oh Lordy, Peanut loved the Blues.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Amy,

 

Looks good. 

 

I like the literal and figurative meaning of the line "He was the elephant in the room."

 

-James

[ames1212]

Hi James, Where ya been? I was trying not to make it too childish, so I wanted to add that in, but not let everyone know he was  really an elephant. It was kind of fun to do a silly song. Hope your doing good!

[jamestoffee]

Hi Amy,

 

>Where ya been?......Hope your doing good!

 

I am.  Thanks for asking......Life's just been busy getting in the way of songwriting ; )  My sister-in-law's wedding in the Philippines, getting sick for a week, moving house, and now end of a school year busyness, but summer time is coming!

[ames1212]

Attached File SongStuff Amy Peanut Plays the Blues.mp3 4.8MB

[ames1212]

 SongStuff Amy Peanut Plays the Blues.mp3   4.8MB   6 downloads

 

 

James did  such a good job with it, I wanted to put it here so people can hear it..

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

Thanks for the encouragement

 

-James

[McnaughtonPark]

Cool Rockin' Daddy

Well let's go down to the waterin' hole

Where that muddy water gonna' Cleanse my soul

Where I could be your man, given half a chance

'Cause I'm cool rockin' daddy kind of elephance

I can move my trunk, I can move my hips

I can move my feet, I can shout and twist

I can rock the house, baby I can dance

I'm a cool rockin' daddy kind of elephance

I can bring it down low, I can take it up high

I'm a free roamin', trunk toting kind of a guy

With a leather vest and bell bottom pants

I'm a cool rockin' daddy kind of elephance

[ames1212]

That's got a cool vibe to it, I was grooving without music! Good job!

[McnaughtonPark]

with a little addition to make it 12 bar....

 

Cool Rockin' Daddy

 

 Well let's go down, to the waterin' hole
 Where that muddy water, gonna' cleanse my soul
 Where I could be your man, given half a chance
 'Cause I'm cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance
I'll can treat you as good, as any man in France
 'Cause I'm cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance

 

 I can move my head, I can move my hips
 I can move my feet, I can shout and twist
 I can rock the house, baby I can dance
 I'm a cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance
All I'm looking for, is a little romance
 'Cause I'm cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance

 

 I can bring it down low, I can take it up high
 I'm a free roamin', trunk toting, kind of a guy
 With a leather vest, and bell bottom pants
 I'm a cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance
So don't be shy, if I make an advance
 'Cause I'm cool rockin' daddy, kind of elephance

[McnaughtonPark]

sorry for the typo, I can treat you as good

[jamestoffee]

Hi McnaughtonPark, 

 

Good start on this one.  I agree the extra lines add to the traditional balance of the 12 bar blues.

 

Content-wise when I read the first version, I was going to suggest a change of this line

"Where I could be your man, given half a chance"

 

to

 

Where I could be yours, given half a chance

 

...because I thought the singer was an elephant.

 

However, the additional lines have added to my confusion, not clarity.  Now it seems like it is a man singing, but it leaves me wondering what an "elephance" is?....and the singer is claiming to be "kind of" an elephance?   so you lost me there.

 

One more consideration, his wooing doesn't sound too wooful....he is spending his time pointing out his own attributes instead of flattering the listener and telling her how she affects him.

 

Interesting title as well, but it seems to be heading in 2 directions....cool....towards calm, laid back vs. rockin'....towards action oriented....so there is a tension as to what kind of character the singer is.....that could work; depending on your purpose.

 

In all, I am a bit confused as to who or what the singer is.  I imagine a cartoon character of sorts, but I could be off on that.

 

You can definitely work your lyrics well, so take or toss the comments as you see fit.

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[McnaughtonPark]

James, you thought too hard on this.  The first version was a ten minute effort, the second edit was a couple more minutes.  But it was 12 minutes of fun, silly writing and that's about it, so i'm not surprized that it isn't all that clear to you. 

[jamestoffee]

>James, you thought too hard on this.

 

No worries

 

>The first version was a ten minute effort, the second edit was a couple more minutes.  But it was 12 minutes of fun, silly writing and that's about it, so i'm not surprized that it isn't all that clear to you. 

 

That's fine.  I don't want to belabor the point.   However, it's a good conversation starter.

 

I read a very insightful book recently by Robert Fritz called The Path of Least Resistance"

 

(paraphrased) The measured value of a creation is not in the time it took to produce the creation.  The measure of the creation is in the question "Did the creation complete its intended purpose?" 

 

You're the one that determines the creation's purpose, so for example, if your purpose for this assignment was to brainstorm and play around with some rhymes and thoughts, (which is great and something we should all do), then what you have works.....valuing the process over the final product.

 

If your purpose for the assignment was to communicate an idea/character, what you have could be considered a good start, but could stand revision for clarity....but again, you have the freedom to chose the purpose of your creation......

 

so, the question (in this lyric or anytime we write a song) is to revise, or leave it as is......In other words, how do I know when I am done?

 

Again, it goes back to intentionality "Did this creation complete its intended purpose?" 

 

-James

[McnaughtonPark]

Yep

[jamestoffee]

Yep

LOL Yep, indeed

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

Nice lyrics.  I like lyrics.

 

Plonk plonk plonk on the keyboard.

 

- James