Challenge #36 Betrayal

[john]

Hi Gang

Meetwood Flack, a well known 70s band have a difficult history of in-house fighting, love between band members, affairs and much more. Imagine how surprising it was then that each and every member of the band then contacted the offices individually asking for essentially the same thing. Each wanted our writers to write a song about betrayal that they could identify with!

So, we have agreed that one song should be written that they can all, male and female members, identify with. The song does not need to be about them, in fact they want it to be as generic as possible in terms of events, but as honest and engaging as possible in terms of the emotions expressed.

So, to fulfil the brief from Meetwood Flack, your lyrics should:

not put male or female as the good or bad guy. Stick to gender independent "we", "me", "I" and "you" etc.

Avoid specific locations like "New York" or "Madison Square Gardens". Generic locations like "bedroom", "hotel" etc are fine.

Avoid names.

Meetwood will put their own musical style on it, so you have no restrictions in style, they will consider everything.

When asked they said to quote them as "It's all about the open honesty and rawness of emotion man! Emotion, emotion, emotion! We want it to touch our soul and make it weep in beautiful but sad colours man. Man I'm hungry, any idea where I can get some munchables?"

Can you deliver? (Soul touching lyrics, not munchables)

If you would like to submit your song then please posts raft lyrics to the Lyrics Critique board with "Challenge #36" and your lyrics title as the topic title.

Please post your finished work by Saturday 5 July to the group challenge group discussion board with "Challenge #36 -Your Title" as the topic title

Cheers

John

[sgtsoul]

oooooh I like this one. Thank you John!

[jamestoffee]

Here's my go at the topic

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38073-challenge-36-wedding-veil-betrayal/

 

and my second go at it

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38105-challenge-36-we-had-it-all/

Edited July 1, 2014 by jamestoffee

[sgtsoul]

  HEARTBURN
 

Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago

Stared at it so long I see it with my eyes closed

Look at how I’m smiling, it was just before the end

We were standing arm in arm with my best friend.....

I stare at the walls until it feels like hours gone

I  look down at my watch and see it’s been just one

The words inscribed on it say you’d always be around

Now you’re kicking me when I’m down.....

 

Here you go again rubbing salt into my wounds 

A bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of you

You give me Heartburn.....    

 

A familiar voice, one I’ve always known

There’s no love left in at as it comes down through the phone    

Brings echoes of the past, of the way we used to laugh

But now the truth shines a light on what I thought we had.....   

The one supposed to be there, and catch me when I fall

How could you and why would you make me feel so small

You were my whole world, you were every sight and every sound

Now you’re kicking me when I’m down……

CHORUS

Take another piece from the heart that never learns

Pour some gasoline onto the fire that still burns                                                       You give me Heartburn.....     

 

BRIDGE

Burning like love letters thrown into the fire

All those words go up in smoke

The flames consume me waiting here to die 

alone ….so my pain will go unspoken

Here you go again rubbing salt into my wounds 

A bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of you

You give me Heartburn.....
Take another piece from the heart that never learns

Pour some gasoline onto the fire that still burns                                                       You give me Heartburn.....

 

OUTRO

Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago

Stared at it so long I see it with my eyes closed

A familiar voice, one I’ve always known

There’s no love left in at as it comes down through the phone    

Brings echoes of the past,  (fade out+echo)

Edited July 3, 2014 by sgtsoul

[goldylocks]

Sgtsoul, this is very well written! You can not only envision the misery the betrayed person has experienced but also feel the pain. I really like your bridge, a lot of raw emotion. Especially these lines. The whole song actually vibrates with emotion!

 

The flames consume me waiting here to die 

alone ….so my pain will go unspoken

Take another piece from the heart that never learns

Pour some gasoline onto the fire that still burns                                                       

 

 

Nice Write!

 

 

 

 

Goldy

Edited July 1, 2014 by goldylocks

[jamestoffee]

Hi sgtsoul,

 

 

Good start   Vs 1 and the bridge do a great job at showing over telling.

 

Suggestions:

 

Consider reworking v2 up to the standard of the other sections.

 

Consider tweaking the title as “heartburn†is layman’s term for a form of indigestion and adds a bit of comedy to what seems a more serious subject.....

 

....maybe just “Burnedâ€

 

 â€œWe were standing arm in arm with my best friend.....â€

 

Not clear....sounds like 3 or more people standing together

 

Try

“Standing arm in arm with my best friendâ€

 

or

 

“Standing arm in arm with, you, my best friendâ€

 

 

In all, it seems a bit wordy, but like you mentioned on another post, it’s more a style you favor.

 

Here is how I would trim down some lines.  Take or leave as you see fit.....

 

 

HEARTBURN
 

Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago

Stared at it so long can see it with eyes closed

I was/We were smiling just before the end

Standing arm in arm with (YOU) my best friend.....

The words on the back say you’d always be around

Now you’re kicking me when I’m down.....(should be images that ties in with “fire/burnâ€

 

Here you go again rubbing salt into my wounds (not a burn image)

A bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of you (not a burn image)

Heartburn..... (Consider using the 2 lines before to develop the ‘burn’ concept   

 

YOUR familiar voice, one I’ve always known

There’s no love left coming through the TONE  

 

or since "one I've always known is redundant to "familiar voice" you could try

 

YOUR familiar tone, one I’ve always known

There’s no love left coming through the (tele)phone  

 

 

 

 

Brings echoes of the past, of the way we used to laugh (not a burn image) maybe talk about the remembering the relationship’s passion related to heat, hot, steamy

But now the truth IGNIGHTS THE SPARK on what I thought we had.....   

The one supposed to be there, and catch me when I fall  (not a burn image)

How could you and why would you make me feel so small (not a burn image)

You were my whole world, you were every sight and every sound TELLING NOT SHOWING & (not a burn image)

Now you’re kicking me when I’m down……(not a burn image)

CHORUS

Take another piece from the heart that never learns (not a burn image)

PourING gasoline on the fire that burns   (Good burn image)                                        Heartburn.....(Burned [like the song Torn])     

 

BRIDGE- maybe this should be developed as Verse 2

Burning like love letters thrown into the fire (Good burn image)                                   

All those words go up in smoke (Good burn image)                                       

The flames consume me waiting here to die (Good burn image)                                 

Alone in my pain I CHOKE

 

You’re Pouring gasoline on the fire that still burns                                                       Heartburn.....

 

OUTRO

Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago

Stared at it so long I see it with eyes closed

YOUR familiar voice, one I’ve always known

There’s no love left coming through the TONE    

Brings echoes of the past,  (fade out+echo)

 

 

Again, take what works and toss what doesn't

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[sgtsoul]

Thanks James. For most of your suggestions, there is a method to the madness

The title - I know that Heartburn means indigestion (lifelong sufferer here). I was taking a common phrase and giving it a new meaning. Double entendre. I might look at saying "you give mme heartburn" to make that double entendre clearer

The "sounds like 3 people together".....yep, spot on. The events described in this song (although vaguely, as per the challenge) are a lover cheating on the person with their best friend. Thus, "the one who was supposed to catch me when I fall" refers both to the lover and the best friend.  "kicking me when i am down" - the person finds out that the one the lover cheated with was their best friend. 

For the other points referring to "not a burn image" - I didn't want to overload it with the same thing over and over. 

Coming thru the tone? Doesn't really makes sense. 

I do appreciate the time and though you put into your feedback...but none of it really works for what I wanted to write. 

Edited July 2, 2014 by sgtsoul

[jamestoffee]

^{>there is a method to the madness ...... none of it really works for what I wanted to write.}

 

^{No worries.}