Challenge #39 - The Art Of The Common Phrase

[john]

Hi Gang

Crusty, Mills and Stash are looking for a new song all about love. They want it to appeal to a younger audience, they want it to be classically styled yet modernness feel, they want it not to be cliché. So they have some requests that they would like in the finished lyrics.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a song where:

1. Your lyrics should use AAA or derived song form (see song form reference in songwriting articles http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/ )

2. Your lyrics should use a refrain (also described within the song sections article in the above collection of songwriting articles)

3. Each verse should include two common phrases, but each phrase should be twisted / adapted ( for example the meaning tweaked or changed or turned on it's head, the context changed etc)

4. The theme of the song is that of a love song

That's it!

Messieurs Crusty, Mills and Stash look forward to reading your submissions however...

1. They strongly encourage you to critique each other's work... in detail.

2. Finished submissions should be made by Friday, however they would like you to consider setting aside some time next Saturday the 9th August for some group discussion of the submitted works and to discuss:

A. What you found challenging about this task

B. What you learned in writing the song and

C. What you consider to be your specific strengths and weaknesses.

Good luck!

This topic will self destruct in 10, 9, 8, oh no, wait, it won't.

Cheers

John

[jamestoffee]

Here is my submission for this week's topic:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38676-challenge-39-what-were-you-thinking/

[louielouwhy]

John, this is going to be a tuff one.  I'm glad James is here to take the lead.  That song could be a hit in my book.

 

Believe it or not I just got an idea

 

Thanks guys

 

Paul

[jamestoffee]

Hi Paul and Les, 

 

Thanks for the listens and posts

 

-James

[louielouwhy]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 fast tempo > similar rythm as > I Like To Spend Some Time In Mozenbique

2nd fret > Gadgdg Taa  up C ta ta down C taa C ta up C ta  down D ta ta

 

Gadgdg < chords > C taa C ta ta Taa taa ta D ta

g  g      f# g    g     ddebbde  g            f#   d     e

Believers or not!                     Better days are coming

g  g       g f# g   

Believe it or not!

g       f#    g     g      g      d       d    c      c     d                            Gadgdg < chord

Believe it or not!      This time clock will stop running

g   g    g       g    g    a     C        D       Gadgdg D   Gadgdg  < chord

Better days are coming   Believers it or not!

 

g g      g  g   d   d    c

I know living in this world

g g      g  g   d  d     e

I know living in this world

b      b       b     c

Can bring you down

c       c       c  c    c       c  c   d      D

Now there is not need to worry

g           g    g    g   d      d g

Though it's harder than it sounds

g       g         g     g     g    a       A          d  d g      Gadgdg C   b  C  D

That better days are coming!               Believe it or not!

 

Believer's or not        Better days are coming

 

D                 Gadgdg      C  Gadgdg   C  D  Gadgdg  

Believe it or not!             (1x)              (1x)    (1x)                       

 

C   A  dg

Believer's or not!   

Edited August 9, 2014 by louielouwhy

[MikeRobinson]

Whether or not it fits the idea of "Common Phrase," Louie, that lyric sounds like one for a great hand-clappin' gospel spiritual.  Let's get that spinet piano and that drum kit and that big thumpin' bass out here and have church!  

[louielouwhy]

Why Thank You MIke!

     Problem.  My computer is an old Dell.  I have a Tascam Interfacer which I never figured out how to record my recordings from either my VS 880 EX Roland, or from my guitars through it to somewhere on the internet.

     The Common Phrase.  I thought "Believe it or not" and "Better days are coming" were common phrases.  No?  Or.  Is it the way the song is formatted that doesn't fit AAA?  Anyway.  I cut the song for this at where I thought that I might have deviated.

     It is funny how this song happened.  It came very easy.  Originally, I was going to use "Believe it or not" about a drunk getting caught stealing a beer, then using that phrase as an excuse along with the story line.  Then, to make a longer story short, something in me said write about Jesus instead.  

     And.  I dig the peace sign!

     The point that I forgot to mention was but forgot was, the Jesus song came a lot easier.

Edited August 8, 2014 by louielouwhy

[halld1971]

sorry guys, I missed the replies on this topic - I thought my email was set to automatically notify me of forum posts but that must have just been the old challenge - duh.  I will listen now and try and provide a critique shortly.  I have been faffing about with something, will post it later in whatever state it exists...

[halld1971]

James,

That was great, I loved it. I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes. I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!! This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly. Great job mate!!!

 

[halld1971]

Head over heels

 

When you kiss me like that

it really gets me high

My head's in the clouds

in the dream shaped sky

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

The way you touch me

drops me to my knees

I'm begging for mercy

I'll do anything you please

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Chorus

The ship has sailed and gone to sea

No safe harbour for you and me

You take me places I never knew

I see life from a different view

I'm head over heels for you

I'm head over heels for you

 

The way you hold me

and squeeze me tight

I can see stars

in the morning light

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

When you look at me

you'll see no fear

because every cloud

sheds a silver tear

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

[jamestoffee]

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 fast tempo > similar rythm as > I Like To Spend Some Time In Mozenbique

2nd fret > Gadgdg Taa  up C ta ta down C taa C ta up C ta  down D ta ta

 

Gadgdg < chords > C taa C ta ta Taa taa ta D ta

g  g      f#    g       g   g            f#   d     e

Believe it or not!   Better days are coming

g  g       g f# g   

Believe it or not!

g       f#    g     g      g      d       d    c      c     d                            Gadgdg < chord

Believe it or not!      This time clock will stop running

g   g    g       g    g    a     C        D       Gadgdg D   Gadgdg  < chord

Better days are coming   Believe it or not!

 

g g      g  g   d   d    c

I know living in this world

g g      g  g   d  d     e

I know living in this world

b      b       b     c

Can bring you down

c       c       c  c    c       c  c   d      D

Now there is not need to worry

g           g    g    g   d      d g

Though it's harder than it sounds

g       g         g     g     g    a       A          d  d g      Gadgdg C   b  C  D

That better days are coming!g             Believe it or not!

 

D                 Gadgdg      C  Gadgdg   C  D  Gadgdg  C   A  dg

Believe it or not  (5x)

 

 

    

Hi louielouwhy,

 

Good start.  It has a positive vibe.  Thanks for taking the time to write out all the music.  Unfortunately, I can't figure out how it would sound, but the reference to the other song helped a lot.

 

Suggestions:

 

I'm not following how it fits the AAA structure.  Consider reworking the structure.

 

Consider developing more of the story: who is singing this message to whom, and why

 

Also, consider including more concrete images.  I'm not sure how time clock fits in; maybe meaning the end of the world, but that doesn't sound so hopeful.  Also, I haven't heard of a "time clock"......maybe clock, time bomb, stop watch.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[jamestoffee]

Head over heels

 

When you kiss me like that

it really gets me high

My head's in the clouds

in the dream shaped sky

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

The way you touch me

drops me to my knees

I'm begging for mercy

I'll do anything you please

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Chorus

The ship has sailed and gone to sea

No safe harbour for you and me

You take me places I never knew

I see life from a different view

I'm head over heels for you

I'm head over heels for you

 

The way you hold me

and squeeze me tight

I can see stars

in the morning light

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

When you look at me

you'll see no fear

because every cloud

sheds a silver tear

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Hi halld1971,

 

​You've got some nice ideas about describing the initial feelings of love/attraction.  I like how the main idea is posed as a question.

 

 

Suggestions:

 

Consider revising the form to fit AAA. Right now is seem like A B C B A

 

Consider describing the physical reactions the singer is feeling related to the idea of "head over heels"; the feeling of an out of control falling motion.

 

So the first part sets up the going up high (in the clouds) the next section could be about the drop/tumbling feelings and actions and the final section could be about hitting the ground, or before my feet touch the ground, you toss me up in the air again etc. 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[jamestoffee]

halld1971, on 08 Aug 2014 - 5:23 PM, said:

James,

That was great, I loved it. I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes. I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!! This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly. Great job mate!!!

 

Hi halld1971,

 

Thanks for the listen and feedback.

 

 

>consider setting aside some time next Saturday the 9th August for some group discussion of the submitted works and to discuss: 

 

A. What you found challenging about this task 

 

The love song aspect was challenging, so it would be a bit of a stretch, but the “love†in this song is the manager’s love for the money the singer brings in.

 

Another challenge I would have found difficult would be too many options to choose from for a topic.  

 

However, I've learned that often what I need is more restrictions than fewer.  

 

There is another weekly challenge forum I join, so I often try to combine the two challenges into one.  The other weekly forum topic for the week was to use the phrase “What were you thinking† This helped narrow down the choices for me regarding the idea.

 

 

B. What you learned in writing the song 

 

Originally, I wrote this as a blues song, but that didn’t fit the “modernness feel,â€. What I learned was, when the lyrics are structured, you can play around with the chord progressions to fit a different genre.

 

 

C. What you consider to be your specific strengths and weaknesses.

 

Strength:  One the idea/concept is in place I can carry it through to completion.

 

Weakness:

 

Lyrically:  I lack a natural tendency towards sense bound writing; which is supposed to have more connecting power for the listener.  Metaphors can be quite challenging as well.

 

Musically:  I need to work on more intentional contrasts between sections; not really an issue in the AAA form though.

Edited August 9, 2014 by jamestoffee

[halld1971]

James,

Thanks for the feedback.  I will revise the song structure to try and fit AAA.  I read the article too but have to admit I thought the chorus was treated separately (dunno why I thought that).

I tried to write about love and this is what came out, the question posed by a woman who is beaten by her partner - the initial high and then the feelings about the abuse.  It just came out that way.  I'll try and tweak it some to get in the right structure and then work on the content.

As always, thank you for the feedback

[louielouwhy]

Yes James!

     Thank you very much for your feed back.  To start, I'm going to start the song off with 'Believers or not" opposed to 'Believe it or not'.  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

 

    I'm not qualified to debate based on my education.  But after reviewing the AAA style, I tend to see how the second set of verses related to the melody veers from the AAA style.  But after reading Johns critique about What Were You Thinking and reviewing the references relating to the subject matter.  I'm not exactly sure where I veered off lyrically.  I've been noted to not to understand things at a slow pace or totally misunderstand.

    So in order to meet the required guidelines, that I think I deviated from, would making the second set of verses sound the same do it?

 

    In an attempt to answer your question to the 'Time clock', I thought the following set of verses would hint at that in relation to this life's knowledge of unfortunate experiences in general during this 'time' factor.

 

The spaces between each phrase represents pauses.

    Gadgdg < chords > C taa C ta ta Taa taa ta D ta

g  g      f# g    g     ddebbde  g            f#   d     e

Believers or not!                     Better days are coming

g  g       g f# g   

Believe it or not!

g   g     g  f# g    gddebbd     g      g     f#      d     d     d     e                      Gadgdg < chord

Believe it or not!                     This time clock will stop running

g   g    g      f#   f#    g           D   d   d    g  Gadgdg D   Gadgdg  < chord

Better days are coming          Believers or not!

 

g g      g  g   d   d    e

I know living in this world

g g      g  g   d  d     e

I know living in this world

b      b       b     d

Can bring you down

d     d        d   d   d       d   d   g

Now there is not need to worry

g           g    g    g   d      d g

Though it's harder than it sounds

g       g         g     g     g    g       A          d  d g    g f# g     Gadgdg C   b  C  D

That better days are coming!               Believe it or not!

g   g  g     f#  g           d   d    d      dg   g    g        

Believer's or not        Better days are coming

 

D                 Gadgdg      C  Gadgdg   C  D  Gadgdg  

Believe it or not!             (1x)              (1x)    (1x)                       

 

C   A  dg

Believer's or not!   

[louielouwhy]

Hi Les

     I'm thinking that word 'this' relates to a period of time within eternal time.  Like in relationship to specific events that are encompassed by the whole creation of what is a segment of eternity.  By using 'this' I'm imagining that I'm relaying a message that has already been revealed.  Matt.24:35, 2 Peter 3,10, 18, etc..

If I use 'our or man', it could hint to those that resent God for this life, it gives an impression that this 'time' segment is God's doing to punish us.  If I us the word 'the', I'm insinuating that 'time' is God.  I want to project that time is an object that is subordinate to the Word.