Challenge #40 Paradise Motel

[jamestoffee]

Color... black

A time of day... 3AM
A named place... Paradise Motel
A named famous person, alive or dead...Madonna
A brand...Smith & Wesson’s
A type of food or drink....sunflower seeds
A number...third or 3
A part of the body...eye
An item of clothing...skirt

 

Challenge #40 Paradise Motel

 

listen here:

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12882253

 

=====Revised Version 2=====

 

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign

The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried

He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

 

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets

And I am here illegally

Here in Paradise

 

A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge

Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again

I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin

I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins

 

‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets

Here in Paradise

 

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM

We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin

Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends

But I never see her again

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Paradise Motel

 

 

\

 

 

 

=====Revised Version 1=====

 

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign

The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried

He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

 

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets

And I am here illegally

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge

Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again

I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin

I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins

 

‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets

And I am here illegally

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM

We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin

Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends

But I never see her again

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Paradise Motel

 

 

 

=====Original Version=====

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign

The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried

He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

 

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets

And I am here illegally

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

Here in Paradise

 

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM

We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin

Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends

But I never see her again

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Goodbye, farewell

Paradise Motel

Edited August 17, 2014 by jamestoffee

[Holz]

Nice rhyming and structure. Just one thing, I can't figure out what it's about. Could you elaborate on it?

Thanks,

-Holz

[jamestoffee]

Hi Holz,

. Just one thing, I can't figure out what it's about. Could you elaborate on it?

 

I was trying to take a minimal approach to details to sketch out a story, but as often happens with too few details the listener will end up at a different place....or just end up confused.

 

Singer: illegal hotel worker (assumed from Mexico on my part)

Place: a seedy motel around Hollywood or LA (assumed on my part)....SEEDY hinted at by manager's lack of hygiene on the job HOLLYWOOD/LA hinted at by a Madonna billboard

 

 

A couple checked in.  There was some kind of trouble or violence b/c he carries a gun....he gets drunk and beats her....she has a black eye and has had enough

 

While he is passed out she shoots him with his gun, runs and hides in the ally garbage bin.......

 

.....at the same time the illegal maid hears the shot like everyone else and is fearful.  

 

When the cops come she also hides in the ally garbage bin because she doesn't want to be involved in a crime scene and be deported.

 

The two women meet in the same hiding place but both know that neither will give the other up to the police because they both have something to lose.....

 

.....do you know that feeling when playing hide-and-seek and you and another player chose the same hiding place?...that quick, quiet bond of unspoken words in hiding....

 

....the end of the story is left with saying good bye to the motel....

 

......it's left unknown if the women were caught or got away and looked for a safer place to go/live/work.

Edited August 12, 2014 by jamestoffee

[jamestoffee]

 I can't figure out what it's about. Could you elaborate on it?

 

I went ahead and added another verse for clarification. 

[MazingMaryRocks]

Hi!

Nice write! The fact that you added another verse took the story to a higher level and made it come together nicely. 

 

I think you used the different elements in a smart way throughout the yrics. The only thing that cought my eye (and now I'm being picky...) was the "skirt". I think I would have tried to incorporate something like a "blood stained shirt" or something like that.

 

Good job!

//MMR

[jamestoffee]

Hi MMR,

 

Thanks for the listen and post.

 

The only thing that cought my eye (and now I'm being picky...) was the "skirt". I think I would have tried to incorporate something like a "blood stained shirt" or something like that.

 

 

I was going for a certain effect, but maybe it just came out awkward.  Thanks for the suggestion.  I'll keep thinking on it.

 

James

[louielouwhy]

I thought the story was really interesting, and well written.  Except for the end.  Everything going on was made obvious, but like the first critic I couldn't figure out their fate until you explained it.  After you explained the scheme, then I realized that it was I that wasn't keen enough to figure it out.

 

To sum it up, I got to say.  To describe a title like that and tie it to all the objects and the characters and circumstances, I give you lots of credit > The lyrics were >  OUTSTANDING!

 

Makes my version of the title shine like crap.

 

Of the three songs 38, 39, and 40, as well done as the other ones were, lyrically, for my taste, this one tops the other two.

 

Louie

Edited August 13, 2014 by louielouwhy

[jamestoffee]

Hi Louie, 

 

Thanks for the listen and post. 

 

-James