Challenge #41 - Growing Distant, The Gap Between

[john]

Hello Gang

We have an interesting challenge this week. Ping, lead singer and bass player of English 80's pop / rock band The Patrolmen is desperate for a great new song. You no doubt remember their hits, such as "Rose-Anne", "Message In A Tumbler" and many more. Try as he might he just cannot come up with the words for this new song! Ping is very keen to highlight issues in society, so he would like the new song to reflect that. In particular he is interested in the concept of "the gap between" or "the space between", or "the gulf between". His interest initially was in the gap between poor and rich, the haves and the have nots etc. After some meditation Ping realised that the gulf could include more than one topic.

Additionally, Ping requests that either an allegory or a metaphor be used within the song (check the site glossary or my blog on Songstuff for a definition). He also suggests that AABA song form (or derivative such as AABABA) is used, though that is less important to use AABA than to nail packing in emotion. Ping feels he must "connect" with the lyrics. He wants to be moved.

Please post your submissions before Friday by posting a new topic named "Challenge #41 - Your Song a Title Here" to the group discussion board.

Please also make sure to give a detailed critique to your fellow challengees. As part of that, please give them marks out of 10 for how well they connected with you on an emotional level. Remember, be honest but constructive!

This message will self fizzle in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Cheers

John

[louielouwhy]

Song Challenge #41 The Growing Distance The Gap Between

 

THE COMMUNIST STOMP WITH THE CAPITALIST TWIST

 

(Intro)

Damn! 

 

dg                   cf      D       dg                               cf        D

Intro

We can’t see your face  But pay offs are all over the place

F                                      G                          

Just as clear as night is day

 

Vs 1

In a whispering shout

Your promises came echoing out

Contorting the masses  

In a whispering shout                              Problem > At the top,intelligence & power are

Your promises come echoing out          corrupt

Contorting the masses

With a whispering shout 

 

vs 2

For you, it turned out like you said

A well prepared comfortable bed                   Root of the problem > Greed

But a title wave of burdens of debris

For poor old, in debt, unemployed, pitiful me

Mega millions for you while I'm thoroughly screwed

 

(bridge)

Now today tomorrow is a better worse

Except I see it in a reverse                Solution to the problem > Rounded,    

After issuing plows with no pay         validated education         

Opposed to yesterday

Commies just taking them away

 

(pre chorus)

Oooh!  How so very nice

You have given me a choice

To take my pick without an iron fist

Genocide or slavery                           Aftermath > reliance on being

                                                                            dependant on others for self

                                                             preservation

(chorus) (refrain)                                 

Take your pick

To the capitalist twist

Genocide or slavery

Take your pick

To the capitalist twist

Genocide or slavery

(Music only)

 

(pre chorus

Woe no!

We  can’t see your face, but it’s all over the place

Just as clear as night is day

 

(bridge)

Now tomorrow is a better worse

Except I see it in a reverse

Issuing plows with no pay

Opposed to yesterday

Commies just taking them away

 

Oooh! But how so very nice

You have given me a choice

To take my pick

Except without the iron fist

Genocide or slavery

 

(chorus)

Take your pick

But with the capitalist twist

Genocide or slavery

Take your pick

With the capitalist twist

Genocide or slavery

 

(outro)

Oooh! How so very nice

You have given me a choice

(refrain)

Genocide or slavery

Edited August 21, 2014 by louielouwhy

[jamestoffee]

Here is my submission:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38901-challenge-41-saving-fish-from-drowning/

[jamestoffee]

Hi Louielouwhy, 

 

Good start  I think the strong emotion comes out in the lyrics and I like a lot of the lines with the opposite/contrasting words/ideas.  It reminds me a bit of Orwell's 1984 Newspeak

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspeak

 

Suggestion:

Consider revising to fit the AABA form

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

Edited August 20, 2014 by jamestoffee

[halld1971]

Ive had a stab at this weeks challenge but run out of time, so mine is AAB and may not actually be that.

I'll try and grab some time later to write another verse

 

Give it all by David Hall

 

V1

And here they come again

Brown eyes with a sad face

Little child with no place

to lay her head tonight.

Flies all around her lips

Baby hugging her hips.

With no-one to hold them tonight.

 

V2

Tiny feet without any shoes

Empty bowls, nothing to choose

Little girl with no place

to dry her tears tonight

No food for days on end

All she needs is a friend

to let her eat tonight

 

Chorus

I'm ashamed to say

We have turned away

from their dying plea

it's not destiny

When did we become

immune to it all?

Forget to call?

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give at all?

Edited August 22, 2014 by halld1971

[jamestoffee]

Hi David, 

 

It's off to a good start.  I think it's good you are focusing on one character instead of trying to identify the masses of starving.

 

It reminds me a bit of Sade's Peals 

 

Suggestions:

 

Try adding more concrete details.

 

Consider revising this idea....

Baby boy hugging her hips.

But no-one to hold her tonight......because the baby boy is there to hold her and bi se versa.....they have each other

 

I like the idea of the title....an interesting play on words might be

 

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give AT all?

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[halld1971]

James,

Thanks for the feedback.  Ah yes, you spotted a flaw in my thinking, they do have each other - I need to tighten that up a bit, I was thinking no one to make her feel safe but I was three steps down the line and the pen was trailing behind...

 

I love the play on words, I'll pop that in.

 

I adore Sade's voice, so much depth and emotion - thanks for the link, it was a very powerful song

 

Thank you, as always.

 

David

[halld1971]

I snuck it in with only seconds remaining on the clock lol

[halld1971]

I get so blinding confused, doesn't take much. I'll go seek it out....thank you