Insanity's Reasoning

[Parallax5]

Part 3 of ? Story of a Lifetime

The First:

Years have passed, yet no answer has come
Who am I and why do I try to know?
What drives this curiosity...
This curiosity that burns throughout my body
All I do is lose myself to the mute years
Is it all for nothing?

Redundant life is all I am
There is no reason for me here
But I can't go without knowing
Because if I never know
Then I never lived at all

---

The Second:

Uplifting stories of his past is all I hear
But all I wanted was stories of my own
No matter, it's been too long to matter
For he sees through my eyes
Because I see what he's never seen before:
The world, an infinite story

I live for him and only him
I don't need to see for myself anymore
All I need is to show him what he never saw
And all I want is to be something he never had the chance to be

---

The Third:

This man slips in and out of my own life
His shadow the brightest thing these days
This obsession drives me to insanity
So all I need is him

What is he and why does he run?
Why doesn't he look back on life and see that he is loved?
Never stopping for himself, he's all I want
But all I want is something I can never have

---

Narrator:

This human need to know all drives us to the point of obsession
But what happens when we can't find our answers?
We're pushed over the edge and logical reasoning is lost
This story rehashed over and over

Stuck in a loop with no end in sight
All we do is focus on what we think is necessary
But all it does is stop our progression
It tires us beyond hope of survival
So all we need to move forward is to stop moving at all

 

What I want to know here is if some of it sounds poorly worded, or if some of it seems to be forced in, mainly The Second character, and perhaps The First character. Also, I ask, once again, does the story seem to progress nicely? I probably should wait to ask that considering it's only part 3 of 10, but still. Any other critiques are fine, and wanted.

 

I would like people to know that I am writing this whole story in honor of my grandfather, who recently passed away. I can't write about his life alone, since I was born too late to really get to know it firsthand, so I decided I wanted to write about life in general, or at least attempt to. Of course this isn't all I'm doing in honor of him, but the rest is personal, granted this is as well, but no one here really needs to know either way. Also, please don't think of this as a cry for attention, I'm simply pointing out why the story exists.

 

You can find part two here: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/41339-a-dramatic-turn-of-events/

[tomcollins]

yea for me this is more of a poem , I admire what you are trying to do , as far as a whole musical , but right now this sits as a poem , 

http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/

may help in building on your Idea, ultimately you want to keep the readers/listeners wanting more , edge of the seat kind of thing , and in spots you hit on that , then it fizzles out ,

and dont forget to critique others work !!!!!!!

rock on ! 

[Parallax5]

yea for me this is more of a poem , I admire what you are trying to do , as far as a whole musical , but right now this sits as a poem , 

http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/

may help in building on your Idea, ultimately you want to keep the readers/listeners wanting more , edge of the seat kind of thing , and in spots you hit on that , then it fizzles out ,

and dont forget to critique others work !!!!!!!

rock on ! 

Thank you for telling me this, and I'll be sure to check out that article. Also, could you tell me what spots you think do what you were talking about? I was worried that it was kind of boring so I'd like to know where I broke out of that.

[BK Williamson]

Hi Zach,

 

I agree with Tom.  This reads like a poem with no sense of lyrical structure.  Not that it has to rhyme or adhere to the classic formats in books.

But every verse / stanza is of different length and all the lines within the verses are of different syllable count so not much of a meter at all.

 

On the other hand, it reads quite nicely as a short story or as Tom said a poem.  I began my first manuscript as a story about my family and myself as I grew and adapted to severe emotional stress and change that I thought I would never be able to handle.  It turned into a short story, then a Novella and eventually I will Self Publish it as a prequel to my second manuscript which is novel length but fiction based on facts of my life.

 

Keep writing and never give up!!!

 

All the best,

Bryan 

[Parallax5]

Hi Zach,

 

I agree with Tom.  This reads like a poem with no sense of lyrical structure.  Not that it has to rhyme or adhere to the classic formats in books.

But every verse / stanza is of different length and all the lines within the verses are of different syllable count so not much of a meter at all.

 

On the other hand, it reads quite nicely as a short story or as Tom said a poem.  I began my first manuscript as a story about my family and myself as I grew and adapted to severe emotional stress and change that I thought I would never be able to handle.  It turned into a short story, then a Novella and eventually I will Self Publish it as a prequel to my second manuscript which is novel length but fiction based on facts of my life.

 

Keep writing and never give up!!!

 

All the best,

Bryan 

Well in that case, should I start posting this to the Poet's corner?

[Parallax5]

Deeply philosophical, metaphysical, and I regret to say i understand much of it. 

Thank you, but why do you regret to say that?

[BK Williamson]

You can post it there and here.  See which one gives a better response.

 

Cover all of your bases!!

[tomcollins]

either one wont get the responses i think you want but poets corner would be the one for you , for the fact the members that go there would be more in depth with their crits 

[Parallax5]

I would like to point out that the way I try, emphasis on try, to write these things were inspired by how Tommy Rogers, vocalist of Between the buried and me, writes his songs, which is that they do have a noticeable chorus, but it's not like a chorus in that he doesn't repeat it through the song. This is not the best example of that, since it doesn't really fit that as well, so there is no real point in saying this unless I bring up what I wrote before this, which you could easily say is more appropriately written, if you're talking about lyrical structure. If you would like to take a quick look at that, then you could go look at my DeviantArt page named Parallax5 under Journals, and look through them, but that's up to you, obviously.  Of course I'm not trying to excuse myself from anything, but I just felt it should be known. I could also have a fundamental misunderstanding of it all, and just be full of it, which is what I suspect. This is why I still plan on looking through that thing you sent me, BK.

[tomcollins]

Aware of what and who you are talking , but in starting with lyrics , i would recommend sticking with the basics , learn them , get some real input and grow, NO ONE wakes up and writes lyrics of which you are speaking ,with no knowledge of the craft, what I would do , ask to have this moved to the poets corner , get some good input and let them know what your plans are, and grow from there , noone is saying what you have written isnt good  just dont follow a lot of what is done in lyric writing . And not that it is set in stone on how a lyric should be written . but some of us that have commented on your work have 20-40 years in music .again not saying those are people who know everything , but they tend to have a grasp on a well written lyric . 

not to harp , but the whole thing with critiquing is that you see structures , syllable counts , rhyming patterns(not all have to rhyme), but these are the basics of lyric writing , which in it self is an art !!! 

this may not be what you want to hear , and that is cool , we dont have many rules and most are free spirits , but the ones we do have work !!! truth be told , most times i wont talk or explain much why i say or do things, but with your age and writing skills I've let you slide a bit , you have some skills kid, and i would love to see you further those skills, hone them if you will, choice is yours , we have people here from all walks of the music industry , that could help you in many ways , but they also follow our guidelines and know that doing so they also learn more to help their craft !

So that being said , figure out how you want to present this , as a poem or lyric, by structuring a lyric(say that loosely) after another work , most times fails , for the basics must ne learned first , the easy road would throw this in poets corner and call it a day , the harder way is to go and learn what a real lyric consists of and learn the basics and then learn the musical aspect , so you know that what you write can and will be backed up with a musical score you can be proud of , and worked hard to create

choice is yours

rock on !!!   

[Parallax5]

Aware of what and who you are talking , but in starting with lyrics , i would recommend sticking with the basics , learn them , get some real input and grow, NO ONE wakes up and writes lyrics of which you are speaking ,with no knowledge of the craft, what I would do , ask to have this moved to the poets corner , get some good input and let them know what your plans are, and grow from there , noone is saying what you have written isnt good  just dont follow a lot of what is done in lyric writing . And not that it is set in stone on how a lyric should be written . but some of us that have commented on your work have 20-40 years in music .again not saying those are people who know everything , but they tend to have a grasp on a well written lyric . 

not to harp , but the whole thing with critiquing is that you see structures , syllable counts , rhyming patterns(not all have to rhyme), but these are the basics of lyric writing , which in it self is an art !!! 

this may not be what you want to hear , and that is cool , we dont have many rules and most are free spirits , but the ones we do have work !!! truth be told , most times i wont talk or explain much why i say or do things, but with your age and writing skills I've let you slide a bit , you have some skills kid, and i would love to see you further those skills, hone them if you will, choice is yours , we have people here from all walks of the music industry , that could help you in many ways , but they also follow our guidelines and know that doing so they also learn more to help their craft !

So that being said , figure out how you want to present this , as a poem or lyric, by structuring a lyric(say that loosely) after another work , most times fails , for the basics must ne learned first , the easy road would throw this in poets corner and call it a day , the harder way is to go and learn what a real lyric consists of and learn the basics and then learn the musical aspect , so you know that what you write can and will be backed up with a musical score you can be proud of , and worked hard to create

choice is yours

rock on !!! 

Thank you for trying to help me out so much. I fully understand that most, if not all, of the people that critique my work have way more experience in doing this than I do, which means  that listening to them is a very good idea, which is why I will try to do that. I will do what you said and get these things moved to the Poet's corner. What I will also do is start posting what I did first, which may or may not be more in tune with the basis of a lyrical structure, but I'm not certain.

[tomcollins]

thats what leaning the art of lyrical writing is all about !! keep it simple have fun and look forward to more of your posts !!

rock on lil' bro 

[Parallax5]

thats what leaning the art of lyrical writing is all about !! keep it simple have fun and look forward to more of your posts !!

rock on lil' bro 

Thanks.