Can you help me with this poem?

[sonadora songs]

his is a poem, I wrote its lines to Sonadora. Sonadora is a great girl from a coast city, this city is known by its fountain, which it was recorded to be the tallest fountain in the world  ( king fahad fountain ), Sonadora tweeted that she has a depression, She is suffering from it, so, to defeat it, she walks in the city ( Jeddah ), that city which has the tallest fountain. She tweeted: 

((What I do to fight my Depression ? Well I walk for hours and hours in an open area with listening to my favorite music, This helps me a lot))
 I wrote the poem, then I send it to the singer, the singer tried to make it short to fit the song. here I will post the poem nd the song:

the poem: 

 

 

Quote

(( Hello longest fountain in the city of dream
How dark are nights.. without her sights
waiting she appears.. to have a share..
of the pleasure of her hair.. her eyes & those luxurious earrings....

she wears
talking to your friend.. to take her  joy,  You send.. the bad depression, blows its winds .. 
To overcome dejection she walks to you....

I walk in Tahliah Street .. wishing to meet..
our angel.... who is cute.. & so sweet....
unexpectedly I saw that light.. shining much more than streetlight..
making us feeling delight ... of her appearance in that blessed night
To beat The depression She appears there


Filling the street air of raucous sax music...

The lamps dancing with its romantic lyrics..

the palm trees wobble and happily frolic.
Amazment silence already filled that place..
eyes staring at that shining face..
Their breath just gone to race ..
Slowly.... she leaving .. going away..
To her planet .. through high skyway
People are waiting her return .. in someday
After she feels....... depressed 


You are a "blessing"... to depression I said, 
after I carefully see where it led
depression makes her want to walk
hearing loud sax or relaxing folk
passing by that crowd, healing their wounds
That what great ones have to pay
to being in that high status and stay
Suffering to help others..   be happy
Depression is just an angels' hobby 
Depression is just an... angels' hobby  ))

 

 

You could notice the poor of the language because I am not a native speaker, Also I haven't been in any English native language. So, forgive me.

So, please, can you criticize this poem help me to make it great to be a good song?

 

My best wishes

[Poet5]

On 10/4/2017 at 2:46 PM, sonadora songs said:

his is a poem, I wrote its lines to Sonadora. Sonadora is a great girl from a coast city, this city is known by its fountain, which it was recorded to be the tallest fountain in the world  ( king fahad fountain ), Sonadora tweeted that she has a depression, She is suffering from it, so, to defeat it, she walks in the city ( Jeddah ), that city which has the tallest fountain. She tweeted: 

((What I do to fight my Depression ? Well I walk for hours and hours in an open area with listening to my favorite music, This helps me a lot))
 I wrote the poem, then I send it to the singer, the singer tried to make it short to fit the song. here I will post the poem nd the song:

the poem: 

 

 

 

 

You could notice the poor of the language because I am not a native speaker, Also I haven't been in any English native language. So, forgive me.

So, please, can you criticize this poem help me to make it great to be a good song?

 

My best wishes

 

(( Hello longest fountain in the city of dreams
How dark are these nights.. without her in sight
waiting she appears.. to have a share..?
of the pleasure of her hair.. her eyes & those luxurious earrings....

she wears
talking to your friend.. to take her  joy,  You send.. the bad depression, to blow with the wind .. 
To overcome dejection she walks to you....

I walk in Tahliah Street .. wishing to meet..
our angel.... who is cute.. & ever so sweet....
unexpectedly I saw that light.. shining much more than streetlight..
making us feel delight ... of her appearance in that blessed night
To beat The depression, She appears 


Filling the street air with raucous sax music...

The lamps dancing with its romantic lyrics..

the palm trees wobble and happily frolic.
Amazing silence already filled that place..
eyes staring at that shining face..
Their breath just gone to race ..
Slowly.... she's leaving .. going away..
To her planet .. through the high skyway
People are waiting for her return someday
After she feels....... depressed 


You are a "blessing"... to depression I said, 
after I carefully see where it led
depression makes her want to walk
hearing loud sax or relaxing folk
passing by that crowd, healing their wounds
That is what great ones have to pay
to be in that high status and to stay
Suffering to help others..   be happy
Depression is just an angels' hobby 
Depression is just an... angels' hobby

 

 

[Lisa Gates]

Hello Sonadora, I'm not much of a poet. sorry I can not critique your poem. You had asked to make it into a song.I would like to present a song that interprets your lyrics below. There were so many beautiful lines I could not fit into a typical structure so some were lost And if you would like, I could take your poem and help with the English a little if you want instead.

Here goes:

V1

City of tallest fountains in my dreams

How dark are nights

Without your lights

Appearing like an angel heavenly

 

V2

Friends  come and carry sadness to the wind

Shining and bright

Feeling delight

They beat depression lifted by your wings

 

Chorus

I walk along Tahliah Street

To hear the music and it’s romantic beat

Palm trees swaying in the tropical heat

Longing for a glimpse of my angel to meet

Oh turn my sadness to let my life be sweet

Finding peace from my dejection on Tahliah Street

 

V3

Trusting eyes staring at your shining face

Going away

Heaven’s highway

Being high in status, I have to pay

 

Chorus

I walk along Tahliah Street

To hear the music and it’s romantic beat

Palm trees swaying in the tropical heat

Longing for a glimpse of my angel to meet

Oh turn my sadness let life be sweet

Finding peace from my dejection on Tahliah Street

 

Bridge/outtro

Depression is just an angel’s hobby

Helping great ones from drowning in their suffering

To help others to help somebody

Depression is just an angel’s hobby

Let me know what you think, Be well

 

[sonadora songs]

On ٩‏/١٠‏/٢٠١٧ at 9:54 PM, Poet5 said:

 

(( Hello longest fountain in the city of dreams
How dark are these nights.. without her in sight
waiting she appears.. to have a share..?
of the pleasure of her hair.. her eyes & those luxurious earrings....

she wears
talking to your friend.. to take her  joy,  You send.. the bad depression, to blow with the wind .. 
To overcome dejection she walks to you....

I walk in Tahliah Street .. wishing to meet..
our angel.... who is cute.. & ever so sweet....
unexpectedly I saw that light.. shining much more than streetlight..
making us feel delight ... of her appearance in that blessed night
To beat The depression, She appears 


Filling the street air with raucous sax music...

The lamps dancing with its romantic lyrics..

the palm trees wobble and happily frolic.
Amazing silence already filled that place..
eyes staring at that shining face..
Their breath just gone to race ..
Slowly.... she's leaving .. going away..
To her planet .. through the high skyway
People are waiting for her return someday
After she feels....... depressed 


You are a "blessing"... to depression I said, 
after I carefully see where it led
depression makes her want to walk
hearing loud sax or relaxing folk
passing by that crowd, healing their wounds
That is what great ones have to pay
to be in that high status and to stay
Suffering to help others..   be happy
Depression is just an angels' hobby 
Depression is just an... angels' hobby

 

 

thank you very much,, you are really a  great poet,, that is a great edition,,  that arangnent is what should i started my poem with,, really appreciate your help

 

[sonadora songs]

On ١٧‏/١٠‏/٢٠١٧ at 12:08 AM, Lisa Gates said:

Hello Sonadora, I'm not much of a poet. sorry I can not critique your poem. You had asked to make it into a song.I would like to present a song that interprets your lyrics below. There were so many beautiful lines I could not fit into a typical structure so some were lost And if you would like, I could take your poem and help with the English a little if you want instead.

Here goes:

V1

 

 

City of tallest fountains in my dreams

 

 

How dark are nights

 

 

Without your lights

 

 

Appearing like an angel heavenly

 

 

 

 

 

V2

 

 

Friends  come and carry sadness to the wind

 

 

Shining and bright

 

 

Feeling delight

 

 

They beat depression lifted by your wings

 

 

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

I walk along Tahliah Street

 

 

To hear the music and it’s romantic beat

 

 

Palm trees swaying in the tropical heat

 

 

Longing for a glimpse of my angel to meet

 

 

Oh turn my sadness to let my life be sweet

 

 

Finding peace from my dejection on Tahliah Street

 

 

 

 

 

V3

 

 

Trusting eyes staring at your shining face

 

 

Going away

 

 

Heaven’s highway

 

 

Being high in status, I have to pay

 

 

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

I walk along Tahliah Street

 

 

To hear the music and it’s romantic beat

 

 

Palm trees swaying in the tropical heat

 

 

Longing for a glimpse of my angel to meet

 

 

Oh turn my sadness let life be sweet

 

 

Finding peace from my dejection on Tahliah Street

 

 

 

 

 

Bridge/outtro

 

 

Depression is just an angel’s hobby

 

 

Helping great ones from drowning in their suffering

 

 

To help others to help somebody

 

 

Depression is just an angel’s hobby

 

 

 

Let me know what you think, Be well

 

 

 

thank you very much.. that is incredible and amazing edition,, really a talented an great poem,, i really wish i could write like such way of writing

 

wow that is really nice and i think it would be a great song

 

appreciate your help Lisa thankssssss

[Lisa Gates]

Oh glad you found your way back to us. I thought you didn't like it! LOL

I still really like this poem!

[sonadora songs]

On 4/6/2018 at 4:30 AM, Lisa Gates said:

Oh glad you found your way back to us. I thought you didn't like it! LOL

I still really like this poem!

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your great editing to make it great song,, I am honored to get a note from a great critique  like you. Thank you very much. What a great version of song you made 💗

[Greg M]

On 10/4/2017 at 2:46 PM, sonadora songs said:

his is a poem, I wrote its lines to Sonadora. Sonadora is a great girl from a coast city, this city is known by its fountain, which it was recorded to be the tallest fountain in the world  ( king fahad fountain ), Sonadora tweeted that she has a depression, She is suffering from it, so, to defeat it, she walks in the city ( Jeddah ), that city which has the tallest fountain. She tweeted: 

((What I do to fight my Depression ? Well I walk for hours and hours in an open area with listening to my favorite music, This helps me a lot))
 I wrote the poem, then I send it to the singer, the singer tried to make it short to fit the song. here I will post the poem nd the song:

the poem: 

 

 

 

 

You could notice the poor of the language because I am not a native speaker, Also I haven't been in any English native language. So, forgive me.

So, please, can you criticize this poem help me to make it great to be a good song?

 

My best wishes

 

This reads really well as a rambling poem. There are grammatical errors but those can be altered at a later stage. I like the way the poem flows, and the way you have used rhyme in a slightly unconventional way. However, I think it deserves a better ending. The last four lines feel like you ran out of ideas, 

 

"You are a "blessing"... to depression I said, 
after I carefully see where it led
depression makes her want to walk
hearing loud sax or relaxing folk
passing by that crowd, healing their wounds
That is what great ones have to pay"

 

after these six lines, you could refer to things such as:

 

the blood on the ground (from their wounds)

sore feet, holes in my shoes, blisters

drifting away on the melody

what a beautiful key (or melody)

it frees me for a while

 

you can refer to the depression with using the word "depression" in the last lines, I think it should follow the line of how she tries to make herself feel better, and what she actually feels.

 

I'm only talking about an idea for the last four lines. I think the poem works really well up to that point.

 

[sonadora songs]

Woow i really feel bad because I miss  this criticism before i make my song.. thank you so much.. 👍