Tired

[Michan]

Hi everybody, this is my first real attempt to write some sort of poesy in English (I normally write poesy only in Spanish). This is kind of spin-off of the lyrics of a song I wrote for someone else's track here in songstuff (song not "released" yet xD). I just felt I wanted to try some poesy in English.

 

 

 

I am tired of waiting,

exiled in this realm of silence,

where unsaid words reach the skyline,

as burned numbness feelings

raining forever

to a dessert of ashes.

 

I am tired of falling,

in the same way of doing nothing,

in this kingdom of forgotten dreams,

where mirages of demons

are stealing my time,

and taking my power.

 

But change may never come if I get used to this tiredness,

and my flesh may turn to stone, and the stone to shapeless powder.

So I should open my eyes, fight this down and keep on walking,

because no one else can break the dark fence where I'm standing.

 

 

[scotsman89]

Michan

nice a bit dark maybe > also last line I think would end better if you said

no one can break the dark fence that surrounds me 

 

just my opinion

john

[Michan]

On 5/11/2019 at 10:23 PM, scotsman89 said:

Michan

nice a bit dark maybe > also last line I think would end better if you said

no one can break the dark fence that surrounds me 

 

just my opinion

john

 

Hey! Sorry, for some reason I missed this critique! thanks very much for your stop and comment! I like how your suggestion sounds, but I'm not sure if it keeps the rythm it should with the rest. I'll read the strophe some times with that change and decide!

 

By the way, did you checked the folky lyrics I posted in lyrics critique?

 

See you around John!

[Michan]

Hey @fasstrack, thanks for reading and leaving the comment. I thought nobody else will come around this poem any more! haha

What's the problem with the word?

[Michan]

The word itself is correct, and it's used as a noun, so I think grammatically is correct. Maybe it's strange, but I asked for feedback to a couple of english speaking friends and they didn't see anything weird (UK and AUS). Anyways, thanks for pointing it out!

It's a kind of old post anyways, but I'm glad you've rescued it

[Michan]

I'm not totally sure what do you want to say with this last post. You mean that it was surprising for you when they were talking in their native language, taking into account they were able to speak good English?

 

[Mac Wilkey]

On 4/24/2019 at 10:49 AM, Michan said:

as burned numbness feelings

raining forever

to a dessert of ashes.

Michan,  I've re-resurrected your poem.  Didn't get to "tiredness"

I'm an East Tennesseean but only a hillbilly at heart.  English is the only language I know (except Python, Visual Basic and some other computer languages)

 

It seems to me you're narrator is in a land of silence where words fall back to the desert covered with ashes rather than sand.  Ashes made of the words that burn on their failed attempt to escape.  Kind of like the Greek character whose wings melted as he flew toward the son--you know the guy.

 

Maybe "as burned unspoken feelings" or "unsaid feelings"  If you really want to play "numb" off of "feelings"  perhaps "numb-like" feelings.  "numbness" is a noun but you are using it as an adjective.  Maybe even "crusted feelings."  

 

Good work regardless of what you choose but gramatically: numbness doesn't fit