Gore

[Stellarmystery]

Hey guys^^ it's been a around a year since I've last posted in this site. Back then, it was songs but I am back with a poetry piece. I hope to know what you guys think about this short work of mine! Thank you guys for reading~

 

 

The wind blows, windows rattle

The moon light shined veranda of my abode

Time stooped by slowly steadily

I stood before the soul less frame

Wondering why he stood so plain

Rising his stone flat grimace

His head dropped

I asked him,

"What had you done?

To stand with gore."

Frightened at the sight he bore,

I tugged my conscience recall.

No longer could bare

I punched the entity ahead.

It broke, pieces shattered

The shining silver reflector.

[john]

Hey

 

Please take a moment to offer feedback on the work of other writers. If we all just post our own work, no critique happens. Getting critique helps with the immediate work but I find that offering critique helps writers much more in the long term than getting critique.

 

ok, “The moonlight shined veranda of my abode” feels awkward. Shined could perhaps be shining?

 

”Time stooped by slowly steadily” doesn’t make much sense. What are you trying to say here?

 

“Soul less” -> soul-less

 

“Rising his stone flat grimace” -> “Lifting his stone-flat grimace”

 

””What had you done?

To stand with gore.””

 

This doesn’t hugely make sense. The first line grammatically should be: “ What have you done?”. 
 

However, “To stand with gore.” Implies a nonsensical question... to stand with gore? That aside, I feel either move the question mark to the end:

 

”What have you done, to stand with gore?”

 

or

 

”What have you done? Why do you stand with gore?”

 

It depends what you mean by “to stand with gore”.

 

”I tugged my conscience recall” -> “I tugged my conscience to recall”

 

”No longer could bare” -> “No longer could I bare.” I assume you mean bare (take clothes off/strip) and not bear (carry/put up with)

 

Entity seems needlessly unusual. Perhaps “shape” feels more familiar.

 

“The Shining silver reflector”, shining doesn’t add much here. Add to that mirrors dont shine. Turn the light out and see, no shine. What about “Slivers of silver reflector.” It still has the feel of alliteration and it ties with the line before. Additionally it doesn’t repeat “shining”. While you could repeat it, for a short poem it feels limited.

 

I hope this helps!

[Stellarmystery]

On 4/25/2021 at 4:33 AM, john said:

Hey

 

Please take a moment to offer feedback on the work of other writers. If we all just post our own work, no critique happens. Getting critique helps with the immediate work but I find that offering critique helps writers much more in the long term than getting critique.

 

ok, “The moonlight shined veranda of my abode” feels awkward. Shined could perhaps be shining?

 

”Time stooped by slowly steadily” doesn’t make much sense. What are you trying to say here?

 

“Soul less” -> soul-less

 

“Rising his stone flat grimace” -> “Lifting his stone-flat grimace”

 

””What had you done?

To stand with gore.””

 

This doesn’t hugely make sense. The first line grammatically should be: “ What have you done?”. 
 

However, “To stand with gore.” Implies a nonsensical question... to stand with gore? That aside, I feel either move the question mark to the end:

 

”What have you done, to stand with gore?”

 

or

 

”What have you done? Why do you stand with gore?”

 

It depends what you mean by “to stand with gore”.

 

”I tugged my conscience recall” -> “I tugged my conscience to recall”

 

”No longer could bare” -> “No longer could I bare.” I assume you mean bare (take clothes off/strip) and not bear (carry/put up with)

 

Entity seems needlessly unusual. Perhaps “shape” feels more familiar.

 

“The Shining silver reflector”, shining doesn’t add much here. Add to that mirrors dont shine. Turn the light out and see, no shine. What about “Slivers of silver reflector.” It still has the feel of alliteration and it ties with the line before. Additionally it doesn’t repeat “shining”. While you could repeat it, for a short poem it feels limited.

 

I hope this helps!

 

[john]

8 hours ago, Stellarmystery said:

 

Did you mean to post a reply?