Broken. Defeated. Here.

[Thomas Atkins]

I've been home from prison for 19 months. I  served 4 years on a 9 year sentence for shameful and regrettable crimes I committed while under the addiction of Crystal Meth. I tapped into my higher power again in prison, on my knees to God most every day and night. Not in a cowardice, but in a strength. I was saved by God, YET AGAIN, when I got on my knees on a downtown bridge over the 5 Freeway in San Diego and prayed: "PLease God, come back into my life. If you save me from this addiction one more time, for good, I'll serve you forever. " That was on Father's Day of 2017. 

The Day celebrating the virtues of the Man who MADE ME, MY DADDY! I called him earlier this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day from the Adult Depot off the 52. I had been there all night hooking up and smoking meth with a younger dude with three first names. It was 5:45AM and we were going to the Sheraton downtown. I called my Dad before I left and I laid up in that hotel all day smoking meth with that stranger until the next morning. I didn’t go see my Dad. I didn’t even acknowledge my Step Dad. I was too busy smoking meth… I Missed Father’s Day.

I had been in the midst of a non-stop ride on Crystal for two years (smoking all day/Every day). All though I had dabbled as a weekend warrior for 8 years prior, I was a full blown addict. Times were not great. Gone were my husband, our dogs/cats and home. Gone any trust I had with anyone in the world. Gone. Gone .Gone.

God acknowledged my request on the bridge that day and I took my guitar and played on the Streets of San Diego , contemplating suicide. The day before I got arrested.

I called my Mom, I called my Sister, I called my Dad. You’ve got your Son back, I’m ready to go to rehab. I have a problem. A big, Giant, problem.

The next day I was arrested. Again for crimes I am ashamed about and always will be, but in that SHAME I found ME again. I  was reading, writing, exercising (at least a little bit) in prison. For the most part I stayed Sober in Prison.

I’ve relapsed once since I been home in October 2021 when working at the Dollar Tree in El Cajon some tweeker dropped her bag of meth while I was ringing her up. I immediately snatched it up and even quicker took a bathroom break.

I prayed ‘God, oh God save this wretched soul, keep my family safe and I’m yours- That was my mantra in prison.’ But now I find myself praying less since I’ve been home. When in all actuality I need to be praying more because my best friend friend is dying of a horrible disease. My Daddy, is a drunk and he’s dying before my eyes.

He wasn’t always a drunk. Best Man I knew.  Taught me to love, and laugh. Taught me how to fish. Taught me to play Guitar. (I am not a master on either, but the MAN TRIED!!!)

I called my Dad the best Rhythm guitar player I knew and HE WAS. Come to think of it I didn’t know any other, so to me he was the greatest at guitar.

Wether he was playing Eleanor Rigby or Three Dog Night’s Joy to the World, my Dad introduced me to the world of music thru his acoustic guitar and even more so to Marshall Tucker Band, Doobie Brothers, Eagles, Steely Dan, Chicago and countless other greats from his Mirantz receiver. I still never forget that  Blue Glow.

But while I was away doing time in prison (finding myself again), my Dad hit the bottle hard and heavy and hasn’t looked back. He no longer drinks like a gentleman. He is a drunk.

I have lived with my Dad since I’ve been home in June 2021. My life is unrecognizable at best, a living nightmare at worst. Through Bipolar episodes, depression, PTSD, Anxiety, it has me defeated. But still I ind myself here. Wanting to share my song.

[jhanover]

Your struggle is very real. As a worthwhile distraction from the demons of addiction would be writing. Depending on how immersed you are in writing, it could help override some of the unfortunate cravings you will always have. There are hundreds of forms to learn in poetry, if you picked one and attempted to learn it, it will be a distraction from the addiction and will improve your overall writing. We all struggle with some kind of addiction, when you accelerate it to hard drugs it makes way tougher. I hope you stay sober and get healthy, the odds are against you, but if you keep God on your side it will help. Welcome to SongStuff, reach out if you need anything.

[Thomas Atkins]

22 hours ago, jhanover said:

Your struggle is very real. As a worthwhile distraction from the demons of addiction would be writing. Depending on how immersed you are in writing, it could help override some of the unfortunate cravings you will always have. There are hundreds of forms to learn in poetry, if you picked one and attempted to learn it, it will be a distraction from the addiction and will improve your overall writing. We all struggle with some kind of addiction, when you accelerate it to hard drugs it makes way tougher. I hope you stay sober and get healthy, the odds are against you, but if you keep God on your side it will help. Welcome to SongStuff, reach out if you need anything.

I appreciate the time taken to say what you said. I was very immersed in writing while I was in prison. Not so much since I've been home. I blame a lot of it on external factors, but I know much of it lies inside. 

I am back in school for the first time in 25 years, trying to do something worthwhile and occupy my time. I am getting back into my music I wrote and looking for outlets and opportunities to share. 

If I can reach one person through my music, maybe part of my soul will feel salvageable.

[Jac]

music is a healer, lv always believed that and you are proving it. welcome.

[TheGarageJump]

Welcome to Songstuff Thomas. In comparison to a number of others, you have fairly unique experiences to draw from. Good luck in your music endeavours. 

[Thomas Atkins]

On 2/3/2023 at 1:09 PM, jhanover said:

Your struggle is very real. As a worthwhile distraction from the demons of addiction would be writing. Depending on how immersed you are in writing, it could help override some of the unfortunate cravings you will always have. There are hundreds of forms to learn in poetry, if you picked one and attempted to learn it, it will be a distraction from the addiction and will improve your overall writing. We all struggle with some kind of addiction, when you accelerate it to hard drugs it makes way tougher. I hope you stay sober and get healthy, the odds are against you, but if you keep God on your side it will help. Welcome to SongStuff, reach out if you need anything.

Appreciate your welcoming and words of wisdom. Music, most specifically playing Cowboy Chords on my Guild acoustic,  has been very therapeutic. In Prison my family blessed me with a Jasmine guitar that they were able to order for me and was my solace and retreat in prison. Strumming, reading, writing, and loving are all ways I coped during incarceration.

Ive been home for 20 months. You are right about the odds being against me, but I'm a betting man and I sure do like the Underdog.

[Thomas Atkins]

On 2/5/2023 at 2:32 AM, Jac said:

music is a healer, lv always believed that and you are proving it. welcome.

 

Like the Doobie Brothers said "Music is the doctor", indeed. THank you for welcoming me.

[Thomas Atkins]

On 2/5/2023 at 3:35 AM, TheGarageJump said:

Welcome to Songstuff Thomas. In comparison to a number of others, you have fairly unique experiences to draw from. Good luck in your music endeavours. 

 

I hope to be able to continue to draw from those and future experiences and share my music with anyone that wants to listen.  Thank you!

[jhanover]

One thing that really helps improve the writing is looking at others writings. Even critiquing gives you a new perspective to help you with your own.

[McnaughtonPark]

I’ve never seen an introduction post receive 1.3 thousand views.  Pretty obvious people want to know who you are.