Lyrics Writing Challenge #2 - No Rhymes

[Timbre]

On 4/15/2017 at 10:32 AM, Dawn Robertson said:

 

Move On

 

They think that they know me

But they don't know a thing

Years have passed since we spoke

But it feels like yesterday

 

Some would say move on

Some don't say a thing

But I don't know how to let go

When I lived only for them

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Move on and let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Just a simple person

A simple plan for sure it seems

Moving on to better days

One foot before the other

 

I guess I'll cry alone

And they don't seem to care

They don't understand what it's like

To hear the echo of their laughter

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Hold on or let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Bridge:

Rise above it

Or be buried underneath it all

Those who kill promises

They kill everything and move on

 

Repeat chorus to fade...

 

Dawn,

Great job writing with no rhyme. I've read it through a few times. I really like the idea behind it the hook--the singer feeling like other folks are moving on from a sad event/tragedy to soon and trying erase the past. The chorus has a good rhythm to it overall. The hook placement could be stronger as has been noted previously. "The fight remains" currently occupies the sweet spot! I wondered some about whether "move on" is a strong enough hook beyond the placement issue. I don't know if there is a  technical term for it, but the phrase has a soft sound to it when voiced, such that it won't stand out unless it has the proper placement, phrasing, and music to showcase it. 

 

There was some repeated phrasing using "thing" (see 2nd lines of stanza 1 and 2), and also in the chorus 4th line. At first I thought it was intentional but then wondered because it didn't show up again in the later stanzas. It fits with natural speech we use, but unless there is a reason for the repetition, there could be an opportunity to make those lines more lyrical.

 

Overall, the lyrics had a cathartic feel, but I didn't get a strong sense of movement or building intensity from verse to verse. The verse below actually felt less intense than the rest. But just my take.

 

Just a simple person

A simple plan for sure it seems

Moving on to better days

One foot before the other

 

Thanks for sharing your work and welcome to the site! ~T

[Peggy]

On 4/15/2017 at 9:05 PM, Jenn said:

 

Boulevards lost in retrograde 

And countless stars into the void 

I lit up the highway in flames 

And hoped I could find my way back

 

Hi Jenn,

Thoughts only

 

"In hopes I could find my way back

 

Kinda get a little lost with the alittle bit of the second verse but First verse is poignant and tidy

 

Sorry not effective with quote function.  

But maybe

"All that remains are  echoes"

I traced them back to the beginning....:

 

Really cool chorus.

Peggy

[Peggy]

On 4/15/2017 at 9:32 AM, Dawn Robertson said:

Move On

 

They think that they know me

But they don't know a thing

Years have passed since we spoke

But it feels like yesterday

 

Some would say move on

Some don't say a thing

But I don't know how to let go

When I lived only for them

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Move on and let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Just a simple person

A simple plan for sure it seems

Moving on to better days

One foot before the other

 

I guess I'll cry alone

And they don't seem to care

They don't understand what it's like

To hear the echo of their laughter

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Hold on or let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Bridge:

Rise above it

Or be buried underneath it all

Those who kill promises

They kill everything and move on

 

Repeat chorus to fade...

 

 

 

Hi Dawn,

Never want to pay tooo much attention, outside of a first read, if I'm thinking to participate. Clouds my mind. 

But now

Like how you used "Move On" throughout.  Great flow and story.  Love the first 2 lines.

 

Good grabber line to want to know more "My smile on the back page".

And liking that bridhe too!

 

Peggy

[Dawn Robertson]

6 hours ago, Timbre said:

Dawn,

Great job writing with no rhyme. I've read it through a few times. I really like the idea behind it the hook--the singer feeling like other folks are moving on from a sad event/tragedy to soon and trying erase the past. The chorus has a good rhythm to it overall. The hook placement could be stronger as has been noted previously. "The fight remains" currently occupies the sweet spot! I wondered some about whether "move on" is a strong enough hook beyond the placement issue. I don't know if there is a  technical term for it, but the phrase has a soft sound to it when voiced, such that it won't stand out unless it has the proper placement, phrasing, and music to showcase it. 

 

There was some repeated phrasing using "thing" (see 2nd lines of stanza 1 and 2), and also in the chorus 4th line. At first I thought it was intentional but then wondered because it didn't show up again in the later stanzas. It fits with natural speech we use, but unless there is a reason for the repetition, there could be an opportunity to make those lines more lyrical.

 

Overall, the lyrics had a cathartic feel, but I didn't get a strong sense of movement or building intensity from verse to verse. The verse below actually felt less intense than the rest. But just my take.

 

Just a simple person

A simple plan for sure it seems

Moving on to better days

One foot before the other

 

Thanks for sharing your work and welcome to the site! ~T

Thank you for the critique I do appreciate it and I will reword it for sure. I do see the slight lack of flow and unnecessary repetition.  

I agree with you and I am always open to another's input. Have a great day!

[Dawn Robertson]

3 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Dawn,

Never want to pay tooo much attention, outside of a first read, if I'm thinking to participate. Clouds my mind. 

But now

Like how you used "Move On" throughout.  Great flow and story.  Love the first 2 lines.

 

Good grabber line to want to know more "My smile on the back page".

And liking that bridhe too!

 

Peggy

Thank you Peggy I am happy that you reviewed and enjoyed my work....always makes a difference to know that others feel it too. Have a great day!

[Dawn Robertson]

4 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Dawn,

Never want to pay tooo much attention, outside of a first read, if I'm thinking to participate. Clouds my mind. 

But now

Like how you used "Move On" throughout.  Great flow and story.  Love the first 2 lines.

 

Good grabber line to want to know more "My smile on the back page".

And liking that bridhe too!

 

Peggy

Thank you Peggy glad you enjoyed it. 😊

[Dawn Robertson]

I am enjoying my experience here. Thank you all for chiming in. I have been in the business a long time and love the interaction and learning that comes along with it. Every critique is a chance to grow. Words are so powerful. So thanks again everyone.🦋

[Dawn Robertson]

Another attempt to nail this No Rhyme Challenge 😊

 

Numb

 

At the bar

For last call

Lights come up

I stagger out

 

Make it to the cab outside

The mind flows but I am numb

I can't feel what is real

Again on my own

 

Chorus

Numb in a fantasy world

As I try to heal the hurt

Another drink another fail

Numb again, nothing's real 

 

Over and over again

I try to hide what is

Too much to take it all in

So I hide instead

 

Locked in a fantasy world

Just a remnant remains

Another drink to numb another day

Another cycle begins

 

Chorus:

 

I crawl inside and numbness follows

But not enough to heal

Or to erase what I know

Crawl inside another bottle

 

Spend my money foolishly

I see it but I can't change 

Until I do I'm bottle fed

Numbly waiting

 

Bridge:

I wait for the answer that will change it all

I know I gotta let it go

Smarten up and change my ways

Until then I am numb again

 

 

Outtro :

Another drink another day

Ohhhh

I am numb again I'm crawlin' in

Yeah...

Another drink another day...

 

[Dawn Robertson]

1 hour ago, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I love the premise for this lyric. It reminds me of first love and how we are overcome with the feelings as they hit us all at once. This not rhyming is a huge challenge for me as I think in rhyme everyday and the way you use....Spin me baby, flows through the lines and connects the story. Very good Peggy! Keep em coming. 🦋

 

1 hour ago, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I love the premise for this lyric. It reminds me of first love and how we are overcome with the feelings as they hit us all at once. This not rhyming is a huge challenge for me as I think in rhyme everyday and the way you use....Spin me baby, flows through the lines and connects the story. Very good Peggy! Keep em coming. 🦋

V2 line 4..... how about the change.......Losin' ground...?

[Dawn Robertson]

And another...

 

Let It Rain

 

Lovin life these days

Broken hearted but not broken

Lay it all on me

Let it rain, let it rain

 

When the clouds roll in

Don't you hide your face

Your concise will open up

Let it rain baby, let it rain

 

Chorus:

Let it rain down on me 

Baby cry your tears

Let rain down, rain down on me

Let it rain, let it rain yeah

 

I will hold your hand

I won't leave you alone

I know your scared

Let it rain down on me..ohh ohh

 

And when the road is long

And you can't take another step

(Let it rain down on me)

Take my hand

Let your fears rain down on me

 

Chorus

 

Outtro:

I won't leave your side

(Let it rain down on me)

When it's too much to take

Make it rain, make it rain

Make it rain, ohh, make it rain

On me

Make it rain baby ohh...fade to end

 

[Dawn Robertson]

37 minutes ago, Dawn Robertson said:

And another...

 

Let It Rain

 

Lovin life these days

Broken hearted but not broken

Lay it all on me

Let it rain, let it rain

 

When the clouds roll in

Don't you hide your face

Your concise will open up

Let it rain baby, let it rain

 

Chorus:

Let it rain down on me 

Baby cry your tears

Let rain down, rain down on me

Let it rain, let it rain yeah

 

I will hold your hand

I won't leave you alone

I know your scared

Let it rain down on me..ohh ohh

 

And when the road is long

And you can't take another step

(Let it rain down on me)

Take my hand

Let your fears rain down on me

 

Chorus

 

Outtro:

I won't leave your side

(Let it rain down on me)

When it's too much to take

Make it rain, make it rain

Make it rain, ohh, make it rain

On me

Make it rain baby ohh...fade to end

 

Thanks for the read Peggy and the like....🙂

[Peggy]

11 minutes ago, Dawn Robertson said:

Thanks for the read Peggy and the like....🙂

Going to get back but kinda multi-tasking right now  and wishing I wasn't.... because lyrics are more fun than what I'm doing.

 

[Peggy]

1 hour ago, Dawn Robertson said:

And another...

 

Let It Rain

 

Lovin life these days

Broken hearted but not broken

Lay it all on me

Let it rain, let it rain

 

When the clouds roll in

Don't you hide your face

Your concise will open up 

Let it rain baby, let it rain

 

Chorus:

Let it rain down on me 

Baby cry your tears

Let rain down, rain down on me

Let it rain, let it rain yeah

 

I will hold your hand

I won't leave you alone

I know your scared

Let it rain down on me..ohh ohh

 

And when the road is long

And you can't take another step

(Let it rain down on me)

Take my hand

Let your fears rain down on me

 

Chorus

 

Outtro:

I won't leave your side

(Let it rain down on me)

When it's too much to take

Make it rain, make it rain

Make it rain, ohh, make it rain

On me

Make it rain baby ohh...fade to end

 

Hi Dawn,

Nice!! And really sweet and loving. Moves all the way through and good building the hook into the lyric parts.  Didn't need those rhymes..not even in the chorus

A couple really nit things.

 

"Your concise will open up"    not sure about this line 

"Let rain down, rain down on me"  maybe a typo "Let it rain down, rain...." instead

"I know your scared"   typo "you're"

"alone/ohh ohh"     is that a near rhyme? Haha... (that is me trying to be funny)

Peggy

[Dawn Robertson]

2 minutes ago, Peggy said:

Hi Dawn,

Nice!! And really sweet and loving. Moves all the way through and good building the hook into the lyric parts.  Didn't need those rhymes..not even in the chorus

A couple really nit things.

 

"Your concise will open up"    not sure about this line 

"Let rain down, rain down on me"  maybe a typo "Let it rain down, rain...." instead

"I know your scared"   typo "you're"

"alone/ohh ohh"     is that a near rhyme? Haha... (that is me trying to be funny)

Peggy

Thanks for the critique, it seems a have a couple of spelling errors.....keep pumpin in my head , no rhymes Dawn, no rhymes...lol I should have read it through more thoroughly for sure. Thanks for the heads up! 🙄

[Dawn Robertson]

7 minutes ago, Dawn Robertson said:

Thanks for the critique, it seems a have a couple of spelling errors.....keep pumpin in my head , no rhymes Dawn, no rhymes...lol I should have read it through more thoroughly for sure. Thanks for the heads up! 🙄

Rewrite...

 

Let It Rain

 

Lovin life these days

Broken hearted but not broken

Lay it all on me

Let it rain, let it rain

 

When the clouds roll in

Don't you hide your face

Your heart will open up

Let it rain baby, let it rain

 

Chorus:

Let it rain down on me 

Baby cry your tears

Let it rain down, rain down on me

Let it rain, let it rain yeah

 

 

I will hold your hand

I won't leave you alone

I know you're scared

Let it rain down on me..ohh ohh

 

And when the road is long

And you can't take another step

(Let it rain down on me)

Take my hand

Let your fears rain down on me

 

Chorus

 

Outtro:

I won't leave your side

(Let it rain down on me)

When it's too much to take

Make it rain, make it rain

Make it rain, ohh, make it rain

On me

Make it rain baby ohh...fade to end

 

I think I fixed the errors yaya lol

 

[snabbu]

In this I'm just playing with words, not really worrying about meaning. Interesting exercise.

 

cheers

 

Gary

 

Nothing's making sense

 

Thoughts are spinning round like jumbled letters to the wrong  address 
I worry as they whirl,then twist and turn away nothing's making sense

 

Sleep seems just a pointless dream an endless search for nothing
I toss and turn through long and empty nights Nothing's making sense

 

Is there any chance at all

 

For me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl
Me and a restless girl 

 

Time is running out like minutes through an hour glass 
I watch it disappear down the road to endlessness Nothing's making sense

 

Images of opposites opposed at every single turn
I search for clues to meaning in the maze
Nothing's making sense 

 

I don't know if there's a chance at all

 

For me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl 

 

[snabbu]

On 12/04/2017 at 4:58 PM, Skin said:

Hi 

Heres my 1st draft effort, to be honest I am not convinced on the idea and the content I have for this but its pretty much the only thing I have written this year. Edit i did do a spring lyric but only a week or so ago and never posted.

 

Story hopefully is obvious, but basics are new boy in school/college spots the most pretty/popular girl and is hooked regardless of what others tell him and the title says it all.

 

Please feel free to shred it and I may even try something else if anything comes to mind. Is the 1st chorus in the correct context with "you" instead of her? 3rd line.

 

 

Cheers

Les 

Going For Gold © L. Service 2017

 

V

They said I would be a fool to try

That all before had crashed and burned

But it's too late I've seen you now

And I'm not afraid to take a chance

 

So…………….

 

C

I'm going for gold

As nothing else will do

I wont settle for silver

Not when it comes too you

Yeah I'm going for gold

You could turn me down

But I wont settle for silver

Not while your still around

 

V

They said I should ask someone else

That there’s plenty of fishes in the sea

But I've set my sights on you now

And second best has no chance....does this line make sense as in 2nd best is not an option?mmmm

 

So…………….

 

C

I'm going for gold

As nothing else will do

I wont settle for silver

Not when it comes too you

Yeah I'm going for gold

You could turn me down

But I wont settle for silver

Not while your still around

 

B

Well I asked you out and you said yes

I don’t know what all the fuss was about

Pheeeeewwww!

 

Ooohhhh

 

C

I went for gold

As nothing else would do

I didn’t settle for silver

Now I've got a date with you

Yeah I went for gold

And you didn’t turn me down

I didn’t settle for silver

You didn’t make me look a clown

Hi Les

i am not convinced as to the idea to me the sports metaphor feels cliche, however that is subjective. What is not subjective is if your doing metaphor you should stick on message and hammer it to death. So if  your second progressive chorus had stuff like " the gun went off  I Went for gold and medaled on the sand" or whatever. So it's like write down a list of everything Olympics then see what you can put in there. The clown, fishes in the sea lines are cliches. I feel you should get rid of those and get some on message ie sport stuff in their place. As far as the brief is concerned I think you did a pretty good job.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

[Peggy]

On 4/17/2017 at 9:03 PM, snabbu said:

In this I'm just playing with words, not really worrying about meaning. Interesting exercise.

 

cheers

 

Gary

 

Nothing's making sense

 

Thoughts are spinning round like jumbled letters to the wrong  address 
I worry as they whirl,then twist and turn away nothing's making sense

 

Sleep seems just a pointless dream an endless search for nothing
I toss and turn through long and empty nights Nothing's making sense

 

Is there any chance at all

 

For me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl
Me and a restless girl 

 

Time is running out like minutes through an hour glass 
I watch it disappear down the road to endlessness Nothing's making sense

 

Images of opposites opposed at every single turn
I search for clues to meaning in the maze
Nothing's making sense 

 

I don't know if there's a chance at all

 

For me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl 
Me and a restless girl 

 

Hi Gary,

Nice! I really like the edgy feeling all through.. matching up with hook's emotion. Great flow when reading...And many of your lines are really full of emotion and dang good

Enjoyed this alot.

Peggy

 

Great you joined in

 

 

[Timbre]

Here's my submission. Near the end there I was having rhyme hallucinations--seeing and hearing rhymes everywhere because I was trying so hard to avoid them!

 

Near and Far Away

Copyright © 2017 by L.C. Campbell

 

V1

Awash in moon glow

Your face softened in sleep

I glimpse the man behind the mask you wear

 

Keeping a safe distance

From hope as much as fear

When you wake you’ll leave me once again

 

Chorus

Lying next to you is as close as I’ll get

Sharing the same breaths but you won’t let me in

If I left your side would it cut you the same

How can you be so near and far away

 

V2

The sunlight adores you

I share in her regard

But you prefer the shadow to the light

 

You take all I have to give

And leave me wanting more

Reaching for what I have never known

 

Chorus

Lying next to you is as close as I’ll get

Sharing the same breaths but you won’t let me in

If I left your side would it cut you the same

How can you be so near and far away

 

V3

As the day is waning

The moon takes to the sky

And offers me the gift of wakefulness

 

As long as the moon glows

I’ll stay awake yet dreaming

The man behind the mask might reach for me

 

Chorus

Lying next to you is as close as I’ll get

Sharing the same breaths but you won’t let me in

If I left your side would it cut you the same

How can you be so near and far away

 

[Peggy]

Hi Timbre,

Hands down, you have this challenge..above all of us!  Awesome write, i want to cry it is so emotional to the gut, and no rhymes! 

Wow! 

Peggy