Lyrics Writing Challenge #3 - Earth, Air, Fire and Water

[Timbre]

1 hour ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

THE DANCE OF THE TEMPEST
Lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017

 

Uproots the trunk or bends the bough
gathers winds up in her arms
pulls you in with magnetic charm
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

A spinning careless wind, she is
beckons with her writhing hands
Lulls you to a foggy trance
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Lazer stare, bending will
painted moons behind the veil
forecast warnings seem to fail
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Violence rises,  no one knows
how it comes and where it goes.
The dance of the tempest
tempestuous temptress
resist the temptress
resist, ah
resist her
resist

Some really excellent lines throughout. As far as the brief, I did find myself wanting a bit more air. The storm/air idea makes sense to me in the form of playing up the wind imagery. I think it could be emphasized more throughout. V3 in particular sort of lost the plot in terms of wind imagery. Great overall idea. Myy sense of it is that it just needs some of the discipline John mentioned re: staying with the element. ~T

[Timbre]

On 4/17/2017 at 5:16 PM, Dawn Robertson said:

The Wind

 

 

Chorus:

I see you standing there

With your golden hair

Blowing in the breeze

The wind blowing in the trees

A bright smile on your face

Remember this place

This moment in time

When the wind was yours and mine

 

May the wind blow for years to come

Long after we've had little ones

There will be just you and me

May the good wind blow free

 

And clear a path to the very best

May the good wind come from the west

To keep your hair blowing free

May the wind always blow you to me

 

Chorus:

 

I'll drive my truck with the windows down

And breathe in the wind that blows through town

With my baby by my side

The wind at my back and I'm doing fine

 

I have everything I need

I have you and you have me

And with the good wind blowing

Our love is always growing

 

Bridge:

At the end of the day, the kids are in bed

Thoughts of the day running through my head

The wind blows and clears them all away

I pray the Lord, may the good wind stay

 

Tags:

Oh I pray, make it stay

Lord I pray...

May the good wind stay.....

Hi, Dawn.

 

I think the wind can be a great metaphor for the joys and pains of life. I feel like that's where you are going with it, but the metaphor aspect could be developed more. The words "blowing" and "wind" are used a lot throughout the lyrics but I didn't get as much of a feel for the meaning of the wind. For example, a cold wind suggests something different than a warm breeze. Just something to consider. Thanks for sharing. ~T

[Dawn Robertson]

15 minutes ago, Timbre said:

Hi, Dawn.

 

I think the wind can be a great metaphor for the joys and pains of life. I feel like that's where you are going with it, but the metaphor aspect could be developed more. The words "blowing" and "wind" are used a lot throughout the lyrics but I didn't get as much of a feel for the meaning of the wind. For example, a cold wind suggests something different than a warm breeze. Just something to consider. Thanks for sharing. ~T

Thank you for the feedback....always looking to improve. 

[snabbu]

5 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

I have written a number of songs with themes incorporating fire and water, but I have not written songs incorporating air or earth in a main theme, so I tried earth--not happy with it, then I tried air.  It took me awhile, lots of scribbles and theme jumping until I finally hit a topic I was satisfied with.  I associate storms with air.  I hope others consider that valid.  I seem to be having trouble shifting my writing brain into drive.  It sort of wants to linger in neutral for a span. Attention issue maybe--I've got multiple distractions pulling my attention.  Anyway, I found it to be challenging to stay within the theme of one element.  Here goes:

 

THE DANCE OF THE TEMPEST
Lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017

 

Uproots the trunk or bends the bough
gathers winds up in her arms
pulls you in with magnetic charm
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

A spinning careless wind, she is
beckons with her writhing hands
Lulls you to a foggy trance
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Lazer stare, bending will
painted moons behind the veil
forecast warnings seem to fail
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Violence rises,  no one knows
how it comes and where it goes.
The dance of the tempest
tempestuous temptress
resist the temptress
resist, ah
resist her
resist

Hi

I think this is pretty good. I like the brevity of the chorus and the way it rhymes with the refrain. When tuning it there is the option of repeating that line if it works for the chorus. There are some good wind images in there. I did notice a couple of off message images like magnetism, and I did think you could be pulled in by wind related forces such as a vortex, the other one was laser.

 

 

cheers

 

Gary

[Peggy]

1 hour ago, snabbu said:

 I did notice a couple of off message images like magnetism, and I did think you could be pulled in by wind related forces such as a vortex, the other one was laser.

 

 

cheers

 

Gary

Hi PP,

I reallyyy like  your write. Then read Gary's comments and think how powerful the wind can be.

 

Peggy

 

[snabbu]

13 hours ago, Dawn Robertson said:

In The Air

 

I feel you in the air

The breeze tells me that you're there

A little whisper in the wind

Goosebumps on my skin

 

And when we first met 

The air was as pure as it could get

Beauty within and flowing with life

I swore I'd make you my wife

 

To breathe the air that you breathe

Made this man believe

You could do anything

Then one day the air stopped moving

 

I tried to breathe in deep

To keep you here with me

The doctor pulled me away

Said you've flown to another place

 

No other can compare

Oh how I loved your air

Full of beauty, full of grace

Now I feel you on my face

 

I see you ruffle the trees

As you blow air upon me

I hear a whisper in the wind

I swear I can hear you talkin' 

 

I go to our special spot

To where the air blows a lot

I close my eyes and dream away

The air blows by and I hear you say

 

I feel you in the air

The breeze tells me that you're there

A little whisper in the wind

Goosebumps on my skin

Hi

the opening verse which also closes the song, book ending it is very good. The reason being is that every line supports the idea of the wind theme. 

 

The supportive lines drop drop off as you do your story telling although each verse contains at least one wind statement.

 

story wise it has a beginning a middle and an end, it's well paced. 

 

On a technical level i am I am questioning the choice of rhyme scheme and type. The internal structure of the verses.

its a stable AABB scheme with for the most part perfect rhymes. The issue here is twofold (1) it's a very stable structure, the story is of loss an unstable emotion. This gives you an issue of prosody. 

(2) A story song like this needs to be probably a slow tempo ballad. The movement of aabb iss AA stop BB stop. In other words the forward motion in your song comes to a full halt every two lines, the perfect rhymes accentuate this effect. So if this is put to music it will drag like a slow dirge and sound far slower than it is, if it's speeded up to compensate the story will get lost. In addition because of point 1 the prosody issue it's going to sound not believable or convincing.

 

my instinct tells me the bookend verse should remain the same as it is, even though the issues pointed out above exist in this. On reflection I understand why my gut tells me that. It is great technique to create an expectation then dash it. It draws attention to the point where that happens. So in the beginning what you have creates an impression that this will be a nice feel good love song with nice images. Which is not what happens. 

May the end of the song if it remains as it is it is going to create a sub text in the listeners head, that even though all this tragedy has happened he has in some way come to terms with it. Manipulating the punters emotions is where it's at.

 

to achieve that, all that is in the middle of those bookends needs to be written unstable. 

That is 

an odd number of lines

odd line lengths

less rhymes

less stable rhyme types try to minimise perfect rhymes.

 

what is then going to happen is there will be a melody variation between the opening and closing and middle and even though the song is a constant beat it will appear to start slow speed up then slow down at the end. Which adds contrast, tension is created by the middle section and is released in the last stable verse. So it will feel complete. 

If anything I've said is confusing you please ask because there is a lot to know. 

Maybe there is an article about stable unstable on here somewhere. John may know. It's about tone of voice the level of the stability sets the the tone of voice for the song. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

[Dawn Robertson]

4 hours ago, snabbu said:

Hi

the opening verse which also closes the song, book ending it is very good. The reason being is that every line supports the idea of the wind theme. 

 

The supportive lines drop drop off as you do your story telling although each verse contains at least one wind statement.

 

story wise it has a beginning a middle and an end, it's well paced. 

 

On a technical level i am I am questioning the choice of rhyme scheme and type. The internal structure of the verses.

its a stable AABB scheme with for the most part perfect rhymes. The issue here is twofold (1) it's a very stable structure, the story is of loss an unstable emotion. This gives you an issue of prosody. 

(2) A story song like this needs to be probably a slow tempo ballad. The movement of aabb iss AA stop BB stop. In other words the forward motion in your song comes to a full halt every two lines, the perfect rhymes accentuate this effect. So if this is put to music it will drag like a slow dirge and sound far slower than it is, if it's speeded up to compensate the story will get lost. In addition because of point 1 the prosody issue it's going to sound not believable or convincing.

 

my instinct tells me the bookend verse should remain the same as it is, even though the issues pointed out above exist in this. On reflection I understand why my gut tells me that. It is great technique to create an expectation then dash it. It draws attention to the point where that happens. So in the beginning what you have creates an impression that this will be a nice feel good love song with nice images. Which is not what happens. 

May the end of the song if it remains as it is it is going to create a sub text in the listeners head, that even though all this tragedy has happened he has in some way come to terms with it. Manipulating the punters emotions is where it's at.

 

to achieve that, all that is in the middle of those bookends needs to be written unstable. 

That is 

an odd number of lines

odd line lengths

less rhymes

less stable rhyme types try to minimise perfect rhymes.

 

what is then going to happen is there will be a melody variation between the opening and closing and middle and even though the song is a constant beat it will appear to start slow speed up then slow down at the end. Which adds contrast, tension is created by the middle section and is released in the last stable verse. So it will feel complete. 

If anything I've said is confusing you please ask because there is a lot to know. 

Maybe there is an article about stable unstable on here somewhere. John may know. It's about tone of voice the level of the stability sets the the tone of voice for the song. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the in depth critique. You have given me a lot to think about. I will look into everything you said to improve the lyric, there is a lot to take in. I wish I had your knowledge. Ahhh one day lol.....until then I appreciate you all here. 🦋

[Nousevas]

Hi, I wrote lyrics, where I used Earth in the title and as a hook. Though the whole song isn't about Earth, I hope this approves.

What On Earth

Verse 1
I’m not a cheater man
This love is my only plan
I didn’t fight in Afganistan
But I still see bullets in your hand
You’re always checking my phone
Seeing, if I’m tagged in a photo
I won’t ever leave you alone
You’re my only gemstone
 
Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Verse 2
A little jealousy is just fine
But my God, are there any kind of signs
Of me being culpable
That is improbable
I have high morals, yes
I tell you everything, so you don’t have to guess
Because I want only you
And that’s why ‘ll stay true

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Bridge
Baby, you’re driving me crazy
Do you always have to be so hasty?
I always call, if I’m late
You don’t have to regulate

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

(modulate to higher)
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

[Timbre]

7 hours ago, snabbu said:

The movement of aabb iss AA stop BB stop. In other words the forward motion in your song comes to a full halt every two lines, the perfect rhymes accentuate this effect. So if this is put to music it will drag like a slow dirge and sound far slower than it is, if it's speeded up to compensate the story will get lost.

This made so much sense to me. Form is function. Some forms slow down a song and others speed it up. And near rhymes are loosely tethered together, whereas perfect rhymes are so tightly yoked that the minute you hit one you stop and look back for its mate! Really helpful. ~T

[Timbre]

 

2 hours ago, Nousevas said:

Hi, I wrote lyrics, where I used Earth in the title and as a hook. Though the whole song isn't about Earth, I hope this approves.

What On Earth

Verse 1
I’m not a cheater man
This love is my only plan
I didn’t fight in Afganistan
But I still see bullets in your hand
You’re always checking my phone
Seeing, if I’m tagged in a photo
I won’t ever leave you alone
You’re my only gemstone
 
Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Verse 2
A little jealousy is just fine
But my God, are there any kind of signs
Of me being culpable
That is improbable
I have high morals, yes
I tell you everything, so you don’t have to guess
Because I want only you
And that’s why ‘ll stay true

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Bridge
Baby, you’re driving me crazy
Do you always have to be so hasty?
I always call, if I’m late
You don’t have to regulate

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

(modulate to higher)
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Hi, Nousevas.

 

Welcome to the site. Basing my critique strictly on the criteria of the challenge, you have the hook but not the meaning of earth as an element. I think if you start with what the earth symbolizes for you, you might find ways to work it into the existing story line of your lyrics.

For example, the earth is often associated with nurturing or being grounded. In your story it sounds like the singer is grounded but the love interest may not be, so you could play up the earth imagery in how the singer describes himself. You are currently using everyday language but you could make the language more lyrical by adding more earth imagery relating to wanting to nurture or keep the relationship on firm ground, etc. Hope this is helpful. ~T

 

[snabbu]

9 hours ago, Timbre said:

This made so much sense to me. Form is function. Some forms slow down a song and others speed it up. And near rhymes are loosely tethered together, whereas perfect rhymes are so tightly yoked that the minute you hit one you stop and look back for its mate! Really helpful. ~T

It is very interesting what you can do with line length as far as movement in a song is concerned. And it's about contrast. If you do super short lines with perfect rhymes and double time it set against another part which has very long lines and less solid rhymes you can actually reverse the effect and make the perfect rhyme part pick up the pace. A great example of writing pace and motion is a Paul Simon song called "50 ways to leave your lover" this shows how the contrast works so well. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

[Timbre]

I haven't played that song in years! Great example. Thanks.

[Nousevas]

Version two, I added some Earth-related metaphors and expressions (I'm your rock, like a brick wall, grow on the soil, if I was a mountain, on firm ground), and I like this version better than the last one. I also added some story (she followed him to a party to see, if he was cheating). This was an interesting challenge. I had to really think about Earth-related expressions, since I normally write very straight-forward and simple.

What On Earth

Verse 1
I’m not a cheater man
I’m your rock, that’s my only plan
Like a brick wall I’ll stand up to you
But you don’t think I’m being true
You’re always checking my phone
Seeing, if I’m tagged in a photo
It’s pretty annoying to be honest
This wasn’t the treatment I was promised
 
Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

Verse 2
A little jealousy is just fine
But it has to be grounded on something
The roots must grow on the soil
But I’m only yours to spoil
You followed me into the party
Where I just drank with my friends
Basically stalking me
Who am I supposed to be with?

Bridge
If I was a mountain, you would be on top of me
Jumping around and no letting me be
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
I’m on firm ground and I’d hope you would be too

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

(Modulate to higher)
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

[Peggy]

On 4/19/2017 at 0:36 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

 

THE DANCE OF THE TEMPEST
Lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017

 

Uproots the trunk or bends the bough
gathers winds up in her arms
pulls you in with magnetic charm
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

A spinning careless wind, she is
beckons with her writhing hands
Lulls you to a foggy trance
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Lazer stare, bending will
painted moons behind the veil
forecast warnings seem to fail
The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Violence rises,  no one knows
how it comes and where it goes.
The dance of the tempest
tempestuous temptress
resist the temptress
resist, ah
resist her
resist

Hi PP,

I think you've got a good lyric going. Just a thought here, that keeps coming to me when reading that may need some resolution. I may be missing something. V1 she gathers V2 she is.

 

V1 "gathers winds up in her arms"

V2 "A spinning careless wind, she is"

 

V3  

"Lazer stare, bending will"
"painted moons behind the veil"

 

Maybe 

"Driving force, bending will"

"Hiding moons behind the veil"

 

Peggy

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 4/19/2017 at 10:10 AM, Dawn Robertson said:

Burn Like Fire

 

Baby you burn like fire

Words cut like a knife

A burning caldron of fire

Stormed into my life

 

You blow my mind baby

Fire-walker of my life

Burn me baby all night

A lot of sizzle in a wife

 

You make me crazy

Too hot to handle

Fire flowing over me

Like hot wax from a candle

 

Burn me sexy lady

Fire on my skin

You don't need a spark baby

When you let me in

 

Fire flowing 

From your finger tips

Nothing hotter then my kiss

Laying on your lips

 

We light up the night sky

Fire low and fire high

Burn me up and melt me in

Place your fire on my skin

 

I'd never be a fire fighter

I like when you burn hotter

Steaming with ecstasy

Baby lay your fire on me

 

I'll burn you into my soul

Fire breathing woman don't let go

Melt into me

Your fire is all I need

 

You leave me wanting

Baby cause you burn so hot

Burn me up and melt me in

I wanna be fire walking

 

Over the coals of our life

Fire keeps our love alive

Burns hot enough to meld you to me

Baby keep your fire burning

 

I'll never look at another

They could never burn hotter

Fire let me in and don't let go

Incinerator of my soul

 

I am yours until the end of time

Fire love all of my life

Burns with the heat of lust

The flames envelope us

 

I love the idea of a husband totally digging his wife.  There's so much steam in popular songs, but hardly any in reference to the marriage relationship which can be pretty intense, but you wouldn't know the way our society portrays married life.  Its refreshing to read lyrics like this.  This is a small pickety thing, but if there was anything that would improve the appeal of this song for me, it would be to replace, "baby" with something different.  "Baby" has become a bit over-used in songs,(Howevert lots of people use it and like it).  Just my thoughts.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Thank you for the suggestions Peggy and Timbre and Snabbu.  I agree verse 3 needed some tweeks to fit the element better.  I changed magnetic to hypnotic in vs. 1 --not sure if that's much better--Its supposed to illustrate "pulling in".   I replaced laser with suasive  and replaced painted with vortex in verse 3 to illustrate eyes that are powerful and convincing.  I'm hoping, Peggy, that you might clarify what you mean by resolve.  Do you mean in the number of lines or do you mean the story line.  I thought since she was dangerous and unpredictable, maybe I should keep the ending unresolved.  I also changed resist to flee, figuring that it more appropriate to flee from a violent storm and to flee from a temptress.

 

THE DANCE OF THE TEMPEST
Lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017

 

Uproots the trunk or bends the bough
gathers winds up in her arms
pulls you in with hypnotic charm

The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

A spinning careless wind, she is
beckons with her writhing hands
Lulls you to a foggy trance

The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

suasive stare, bending will
vortex moons behind the veil
forecast warnings seem to fail

The seduction of the temptress

 

The dance of the tempest

 

Violence rises,  no one knows
how it comes and where it goes.
The dance of the tempest

tempestuous temptress

flee the temptress

resist, aaaah
resist her
resist

[Peggy]

HI PP, 

Thoughts were kinda stuck on her  gathering wind and being wind. But that makes sense to me now.

 

Peggy

 

 

[Summer Days]

On 4/17/2017 at 4:04 PM, john said:

Hi Gang

 

This week's challenge is to pick one of the 4 elements and make it the feature of the song.

 

• Earth
• Air
• Fire
• Water

 

For example if you use metaphors, similes, allegories, make them use your chosen element.

 

Not sure of what those are? Try my old blog entry:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/blogs/entry/171-similes-metaphors-and-allegories/

 

Try and stay within your theme but keep it interesting. Unlike a previous elements challenge where the purpose was to use all 4 elements, the rule here is NOT to incorporate other elements once you have chosen.

 

One other requirement... an aspect of your element has to be within the title and hook. For example "The Burn Of Blame", "Walking On Waves", "Breath On Skin", "The Ground Beneath".

 

Have fun.

 

Cheers

 

John

Where do we post our lyrics for this challenge? Thanks, I'm still learning.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

1 hour ago, Summer Days said:

Where do we post our lyrics for this challenge? Thanks, I'm still learning.

Right here, Summer Days.  Just paste in your lyrics or type them in and post the same way you just did above--the "reply" at the bottom.

[Summer Days]

Raindrops are Tears Fallin' From An Angels Eyes

(V)

I met an angel...as she was walking by/

but I was a player...a devil in disguise/

N' I started thinking..of loving her that night/

but devil horns and angel wings,

doesn't make it right/

(Chorus)

N' boy she was a beauty/

as pure as apple pie----

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes-/

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears,

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin',

but she fail to realize,

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't wanna see her cry/

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(Chorus)

But boy she was a beauty,

as pure as apple pie,

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes../

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears--/

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin,

but she fail to realize

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't want to see her cry---

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(V)

As we began to grow,

I refused to recognize--/

how this angel stole this devil's soul,

and changed his foolish pride-/

She spoke of purity,

and things I'd never known/

N' it was hard to believe,

I had to let my angel go--/

(Chorus)

(V)

As she turned to say good by,

thunder screamed and called--/

then lightening lit up the skies,

and fire --began to fall---/

rolling down the mountains,

blazing to the skies--/

Cause fireballs are tears,

fallin' from a devils eyes/

And I didn't want the blame,

for fire fallin' from the skies--/

But you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a devil cries/

No you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a de--vil--

cries--/

Written by Frances E Coleman