.png.ce124d46bec5b2477fc6cb2f20c6d1c3.png)
Lisa Gates
-
Posts
1,853 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
38
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Blogs
Gallery
FAQ
Interviews
Featured Artist
Featured Lyricist
Radio Contacts
Showcase
Downloads
Store
Posts posted by Lisa Gates
-
-
Donna, my comments are in green. I will post the second draft after I reply to Goldy.
First of all, this has a nice, catchy flow to it, Lisa. I can hear it easily as tongue-in-cheek, upbeat pop. The title captures my interest as well. Makes me wonder 'what about the famous one'.
lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:
Thank you, I always try to be upbeat.It's important that the first line in V1 grab the listener. Perhaps re-think this line. Maybe a stronger, fresher image will come to mind.
I kind of liked the delusion of my first line, and Goldy thought it was strong too but I have made a change and want to know what you think of: I might be called a Diva
The short lines are easy to remember, and each line contains a single thought. The reader/listener isn't forced to try to work out the sense.
Some good simple rhyme schemes as well. The juxtapositon of prodigy/modesty is effective.
I love me some good rhymes!
The theme is topical, as plenty of real-life celebrities do seem to be deluded. (-:
You've also progressed nicely in the verses from telling us what the singer is like (V1), the things she likes (V2), and then moving her - at least in her mind - into another space and time frame (V3).
I really appreciate this comment . I have recently learned that co-writing makes it hard for me to keep each verse clean and to make each verse make the story grow when another writer has an opinion of where the song is going to...
The pre-chorus pretty much sums up the singer's philosophy/attitude.
I feel the bridge is longer than necessary. It also - for me - has the affect of disrupting the momentum that's been building up in the verses/pre-chorus/chorus. Rather than move the story forward, it seems more an anti-climax. I didn't want it to be anti-climatic just explain the reality so I guess reality can be boring or a let down. I re-did it. what do you think?
I'd suggest a shorter, tighter bridge. In order to move the story forward - and to elicit sympathy for the singer (who isn't sympathetic in the other sections) - maybe you could have the singer suddenly having a moment of insight, and wondering whether there's more to life than her current lifestyle. This is simply an example of a way it could go. This change in tone would introduce a new kind of dynamic, and render the last chorus more poignant as the singer carries on telling herself how wonderful she is, while all the time we know the truth. It also links back to line 2, V1 - 'even if it's not true'. Just food for thought.
A shorter bridge - e.g. 3 lines - could shake up the lyric's rhyme scheme nicely, and would add to the sense of unstability, the uncertainty the singer might be feeling in those wee small hours of the morning when we're at our most vulnerable.
The bridge definitly needed to be unstable! thanks.All in all, you've got off to a good start.
I've made a few comments/suggestions below. I hope they're helpful. Keep or sweep.
Donna
The Famous One
lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:
I see what I want to see
Even if it’s not true
I act
upout I need to show I think the term 'act out' is more dynamic than 'act up'. Perfect! that is totally what I meant!I’m famous and I’m new
A mansion filled with gold things Suggest giving line 1 in each verse the same metering for a better flow. Very rough example, 'I have mansions filled with gold' matches 'I see what I want to see'. I count 7 for each
A yacht I say ahoy For a little more impact, maybe 'A yacht I've named Ahoy'. Nice!
A garage with sporty cars Lines 3 & 4 need to meter with those in V1 & 2.
All of these are my toys
Rough example of matching metering:
Sporty cars and jumbo jets
Are all among my toys
lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs
I want to sell them (not for free) The thought here could be a little clearer.
Rough example only of alternative:
For those who want an autograph, I tell them
Sure, but they're not free, I sell them I'm not a "Pre-Chorus" kind of girl so I struggled with it quite a bit. Goldy made some suggestions too, so I've combined both of your thoughts in a way...
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy Not sure about 'Hey'. I feel it weakens the beginning of that first line of the chorus. It's just how I was singing it in my head. Kind of cocky like.
Fame is all around
meSuggest dropping 'me'. This gives a break from all the 'e' sounds in the chorus end words. It also allows for a tiny bit of resonance between the words 'around' and 'one'. I have a bad habit of making too many rhymes in a chorus...Even better than I planned to be I think adding a word like 'even' ups the delusion factor.
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one Good repetition of the hook. It's shortness and non-rhyming aspect also contribute to a sense of unstability, which I think is in the chorus. It has a feeling of the singer trying to convince herself, though the reader/listener knows she's in a fool's paradise.
The famous one
I am on the stars and moon Suggest using a more dynamic verb in place of 'am' (e.g. dance, swing, hang, rock, etc. etc.). Or something like 'Now I hang out on the moon'. Just examples.
No longer on the earth Maybe something more dynamic. Rough examples only: 'I've left the earth behind' or 'Out of sight of the earth'.
Always looking for the show Suggest rethinking these lines. They're weaker than the others. The sense isn't entirely clear in line 4. If you re-do line 2, this may give you another word with which to form more memorable end rhymes.
That gives me greater worth I changed most of these lines to make the verse stronger and more clear.
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs
I want to sell them (not for free)
Chorus
Bridge Suggest shortening the bridge to make it unstable, and move the story forward. Give the reader/lister something new and surprising.
Acting is my dream that has not yet come true
In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due This is a strong line. You could use it - with possibly a minor adjustment - with two other new lines, going for a tight 3-line bridge.
As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on Lines 3 & 4 are wordy, need to be punchier (if you decide to stick to 4 lines).
I will make this real someday to base my life upon Ahhh the bridge...please comment on my changed bridge. I hope it is unstable and keeps up with the delusional topic.
You have always given such thorough critiques. Thank you for your past, present, and hopefully future help,
Lisa
-
Thanks Rudi, you have given me some good input there.
I had another look and yes, the third verse needed something more, as you say...
[VERSE3]
Would you like another marguerita?
Made with a hint of rare lucidity
Lets walk together where the lines are clearly blurred.
Come closer you should see the view,
Yes closer now,
Still closer come,
And once again I'm standing on my own.
Hopefully this shows this guy is deranged. I took your metaphor suggestion seriously (hint of rare lucidity) and engaged an old favourite: oxymoron, (clearly blurred) thinking it fits nicely with delusion. And as you can see, he is now standing... on the edge? Well... the bridge answers that.
Thanks again.
Kel
Kel, Quick question in the new V3:
Why is the rhyme scheme different from V1 and V2? It seems like a mouthful is it to set up the bridge? I know a melody might support a bulid up but V3 doesn't go right into the bridge... V3's message still has to wait through a pre-chorus and chorus to get to the bridge. so are you really using it to set up the bridge?
I do like the metaphor and oxymorons you used very much. They really describe the delusion of this man/person.
Oh but I do love the bridge! I can hear the effect used in Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" when the sports caster is giving blow by blow plays of which base he is on! Awesome!!
-
The rhetorical question is useful but has difficulties. It has to be sung a certain way to work (well). It has to sound like a question.
Honestly. I don't know if its better or not.
But I know that I like the way the last verse lines are now.
I totaly agree with Rudi on this. Well said.
-
I've put the new chorus in it with thanks to Goldy
Playing Games
Verse:I was just a foolish kidLost until I saw and found youAll the sacrifices I didTo makes this work, make it throughI kept believing the same excusesI knew that you would changeEven after all the bruisesVerse:Soon we got in a fightThe truth caught up with youYes I knew you liedNothing was ever trueSo you began to beg and pleadFor another chance to proveOur love could succeedPre-chorus:Keep pretendingKeep the puppets dancingChorus:Your love left me blindPlaying games with my mindLeading me through a maze of deceitSeducing me, knocking me off my feet
Sacrificing it allFor you to be here when I fallYou keep playing gamesHolding me down in chainsStil you keep playing gamesBridge:Your favourite gamePlaying with my headI was always the one to blameThe one who was better of deadVerse:One chance after anotherYou swore it would be the lastAlways caught you with anotherAnother girl from your pastI needed to stop myself believingIn the illusions you made for mePushed myself to leavingI'm throwing away the keyPre-chorus:Keep pretendingKeep the puppets dancingChorus:Your love left me blindPlaying games with my mindLeading me through a maze of deceitSeducing me, knocking me off my feet
Sacrificing it allFor you to be here when I fallYou keep playing gamesHolding me down in chainsStil you keep playing gamesI love the new chorus! really ends strong and on your hook.
You said that sometimes you don't have a melody in your head when you write which is fine but when it's time to add music to your lyrics it can be a bit challenging if each verse has a different amount of syllables per line.
In this song you have:
I was just a foolish kid (7)Lost until I saw and found you (All the sacrifices I did (To makes this work, make it throughI kept believing the same excusesI knew that you would changeEven after all the bruisesVerse:Soon we got in a fight (6) - this may still work as it is close to V1 7 syllablesThe truth caught up with you (6) V1 line 2 has 8 syllables...Yes I knew you lied (5) V1 line 3 has 8 syllablesNothing was ever trueSo you began to beg and pleadFor another chance to proveOur love could succeedCan you see that the inconsistent syllable count will be hard to set a melody to? If you have a flowing and/or changing melody like Adele sometimes does, you of course can make it work.
I think this newest version is more open and makes more sense to anybody who might read them. You're really touching a nerve that many people can identify with. I think you are going beyond the assignment and making this an incredible song.
Really great work here!
Lisa
-
My dear critiquing friends, I thank you for all your wonderful ideas and thoughts. I will respond but in bits in pieces. I am overwhelmed with a family problem and a situation on my day job. I have nothing left at the end of the day. Please bear with me as I push through this thing called life.
Thanks,
Lisa
-
Vagda, Good show!
I totally get your delusion. Us girls just get it! (no that is not proper English...I guess it's slang.)
I was assigned to your lyrics so you get three for the price of two!
I've read and re-read your lyrics and I know English is not your first language (and Rudi noticed some type-o's) so just some helpful ideas:
In V1 Line 6 it should be
You and I - the trick is to take the "you" out of the sentance and ask either:
"me" could conquer it all?
or
"I" could conquer it all? - this is the correct one
Also in V1 you are writing in the past tense so Line 7 should be in the past tense too
I remember it all so wellThe first touch, the first kissI was under your spellSo young and so naiveIt didn't matter what others thoughtYou andmeI could conquer it allAll that matters was our love All that mattered was our loveIn V2I'd think the cliche: Beg and Shout would be better asbeg and pleadIt makes more sense that he would plead for another chance (not shout)you could change the rhyming line to something like:So you began to beg and pleadfor another chance to provethat you'd never leaveChorus:I'd love to see the title of your song as a repeated hook line. Make it really stand out.The chorus is in a different tense. Did you mean to bring it into the present?If not it would work well in the past tense and in the first person (cause it's still you telling the story right?)Love made me blindPlaying games with my mindsacrificing it allfor someone to be there when I fallI'm not able to count the syllables per line for each verse right now (small lap top screen!) but in V3 I wonder if in line 6 it would be more clear to say:I knew that you woould never changeoh and your last line on the bridge has good closure but I would add (if it were my song):I'm throwing away the keyThis would make it so personal and strong!I know you said you didn't have a lot of time. I wish I had more myself! So I hope these quick notes can be of some help.You have such an honest style of song writing, I always feel like I'm peaking into your life because your lyrics are so vivid. Never loose that! It makes your writing so distinctive.All the best,LisaPS: I keep a pen and pad by my bed...sometimes I wake up and look at what I wrote and say: was that me? I don't remember that! But I just go with it... I write best when I'm too tired to think (Now that should be a song title! LOL just for us writers I guess!) -
Kel,
You’ve not convinced me of the delusion in your song. You hint at it but leave room for questions and I leaned toward the girlfriend in the song being real.
Examples of why I’m leaning toward her being real:
V2 & V3 are solid explanations of her existence.
V2: You are introducing her to the audience = real
V3: You speak to her and your friends don’t THINK she’s real = real (IMO means your friends just might not have met her yet)
Pre-Chorus: I googled this….
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/too+good+to+be+true
“What they say when something is too good to be realâ€
What they say is: It Probably, usually, typically isn’t true (BUT it still could be…) ;-)
Chorus:
The words “might be†= not delusional because it also might be real
The saying “I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming†= If I’m not dreaming then it’s real?
Solutions/suggestions:
Changes in the chorus to make the delusion theme more prevalent:
I am living in a fantasy…
It is too good to be true…
It is a dream
Or make the bridge the definition of the delusion:
We’ll show them
It’ll be alright
We could be dancing in my dreams
In the morning the truth be told you’re just my (a) fantasy
Ok ok! You get my point. You have indirectly hinted at a delusion but not made it crystal clear to me.
Structure notes:
Title:
The title is snuck in the middle of the chorus and seems lost to me. Your repeating line and the one you end on is “... too good to be true†I would think about that as the title.
Verses:
I notice that V3 only has 5 lines. To match V1 and V2 structurally you need 6 lines so V3 3rd line should have 8 syllables. It almost looks like it’s just missing?
Rhymes:
There are no stinking rhymes! But it still works great. That is one of your talents in this biz of songwriting is that the lines don’t have to rhyme to make the song work – kudos to you!
Kel, you know me well. When a melody comes to my head the song is close to being finished. As I first read these lyrics the toe tapping beat led me to the melody from the Zac Brown Band “Whatever It Isâ€
So regardless of the delusion not being clear to me, this is an almost finished song. I think that the plot just needs tweeking to fit the challenge of self-delusion. I hope this has been helpful to you. As always this is just a critique from me and you can do with it what you’d like.
So do you know anyone who knows Zac Brown you can pitch this to?
-
I really like were all this SS is heading. I have introduced several friends to SS all with varying musical interests.
It's almost midnight here, Wednesday morn and I have not had my lyric critiqued yet. I don't think Kel has had a response to his lyric draft either. We both have had views, but no critiques.
I think Kel has given great critiques, very in depth, and really seems to know what he is talking about. Well respected gives valuable positive critique. I on the other hand really have no idea what I'm saying. Basically I tried to cover most points and struggled to make it to 500 words. After reading Kels critique of his assigned lyrics, I can see where I need to go and do more research.
OK, I've just heard from Rudi and he's on it.
Thanks
Jan
Jan,
Because Kel gives great critiques is the reason I am not posting quickly. I want to give a complete well thought out critique. I have looked at his posted lyrics and am combining my notes. I wish I had a time I could sit and just do music. but alas...i have the day job and long drive home...dang it eats up time!
I have gotten my two reviews already and they are both extremly detailed and so wonderfully helpful. Oops! I still have to respond to them too! I'm on it! I'm going as fast as I can but still want to do the best.
Jan, be patient. We are all going to help each other out here. One way or another. I love it here on SS!
-
1
-
-
John,
Thank God you digress! I met a songwriter today at the grocery story and invited him to SS. He just laughed when I apologized for being so excited and long winded about the community. I can't imagine anyone with any music goals popping on to SS and not loving what we have here!.
You digress anytime you want.
Lisa
-
1
-
-
And that, my friend, is the perfect example of a Kelism.
A line, a phrase an idea that is so brilliant it cannot be immediately grasped. Later, as you mull it over, the realisation will hit you like an iron feather... "That's what he meant!"
what does it mean when I start understanding Kelisms upon reading them?
I GET IT! I GOT IT! YEEEE HAAAA
-
Hi Goldy,
I was expecting horrible and was pleasantly surprised. Not bad my dear! I'll see if I can record something too. It will have to be tomorrow I may have time before Monday ends...
thanks Goldy, this is great fun!
-
The Famous One
I see what I want to see
Even if it’s not true
I act up I need to show
I’m famous and I’m new
A mansion filled with gold things
A yacht I say ahoy
A garage with sporty cars
All of these are my toys
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs
I want to sell them (not for free)
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy
Fame is all around me
Better than I planned to be
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one
The famous one
I am on the stars and moon
No longer on the earth
Always looking for the show
That gives me greater worth
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs
I want to sell them (not for free)
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy
Fame is all around me
Better than I planned to be
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one
The famous one
Bridge
Acting is my dream that has not yet come true
In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due
As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on
I will make this real someday to base my life upon
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy
Fame is all around me
Better than I planned to be
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one
The famous one
-
Poo! I only just seen this challenge! Today! Now! Cripe's not sure if I can make it but I will have a go!
Dont know why it never highlighted for me as a new post?
Les
I've only just seen it today too...We have bad weather so I looked yesterday but didn't read...ha ha on us! I work better under pressure anyway! You'll do fine! Have faith. :-)
-
I had an unfair advantage Rudi, I've lived with self delusion for nearly 54 years!
Or I had deluded myself I lived in self delusion!
Or maybe I had delusions that I lived in a deluded reality where delusion is merely a state of mind?
Or perhaps my normal state of delusion has everyone else under the delusion I was deluded?
My head hurts... Mother, fetch the doctor. You know, one who is just a phone call away. I don't care, Mother, if he isn't a medical doctor. If he's a doctor he'll get here fast enough if he know's what's good for him. Mother you know it's just an expression, now hurry up I need my medicine. Mother? Mother, where are you? Mother? Mother are you there? Mummy? Oh Mummy.... Here Mummy, there's a good girl. Where are you, you cantankerous b***h! Don't you know how important I am?
1 word:
AWESOME!
-
Lisa, my dear, I wouldn't dream of correcting you, I thought you had used an artistic licence to bring the expression into line with your song. Really. Truly. Would I lie to you? Say Lisa, would you like to buy shares in this new bridge they're building in San Francisco?
Wow, 2 ladies, I'm lucky today!
K
My ex was a Greys Anatomy fan. I had no interest after George left
K,
correct away! and I know all to well about the bridges...
-
Hi Vagda,
The common expression is "dribs and drabs" and it more or less means "little by little" or "in small doses" or "a little bit at a time" ,
Like eating beautiful Belgian chocolate we can stuff it all in our mouth at once, or square by square, in dribs and drabs....
I think Lisa has used drips and drabs to tie in with the dripping love, a very "artiste" thing to do
Kel
Tanx for eloquently correcting me...I did it by subliminal accident.
-
I find your first sentence funny!! Does it have any meaning? (don't know all the English words!)
You had another aproach than me but I like it.
I'm just a little bit confused. Does he want her to stay or go away?
'Cause he's begging for her but than he sends her away...
Hi Vagda!
Drips and Drabs is an American saying meaning "a little bit at a time" or in bits and pieces.
I know it is confusing but I mean to keep the lisetner on their toes. He desires her to stay but alas he is married (or in a commited relationship...) and she HAS to go. Cheater!! Ha!
Anyway, some of the
StonesI mean Bones songs don't make all that much sense... -
Song forms are ususally described using the same symbology as rhyme schemes (or vice versa).
A is distinct melody
B is a second distinct melody
C is a third distinct melody
etc Yes, there may be more.
You could always think...
Verse Verse Bridge Verse (AABA)
Verse Chorus Verse Chorus (ABAB)
Verse Chorus Verse Chorus Verse Chorus (ABABAB)
Verse Chorus Verse Chrorus Bridge Chorus (ABABCB)
Song Structures or Forms are fairly rigid, where rhyme schemes are free and easy, no real rules other than consistency.
AABBCC ABAB ABCB ABBA ABAAB ABCA ABCDD ABCDE (none)
As you can see any pattern can be used, though the more common are ABAB, ABCB or AABB. As long as the rhyme scheme is consistent in all verses and different in the chorus and bridge, they all work.
ABAB Structure
Rhyme
Verse ( A )
I don't know why water don't flow up hill A
I don't know why hot air aways rises B
I don't know why rain always falls down C
I bet you think I'm just a silly clown! C
Chorus ( B )
You can think anything you to want A
You can think anything you like B
You can think I'll never find another C
Goodbye girl it's time to take a hike. B
Verse ( A )
I don't know why paper burns in fire A
I don't know why lemons tastes so bitter B
I don't know why you feel the way you do C
I bet you think I'm just a silly fool C
Chorus ( B )
You can think anything you to want A
You can think anything you like B
You can think I'll never find another C
Goodbye girl it's time to take a hike. B
Hope that clarifies things a little.
K
Nice Job!
-
Take two:
Drippin’ Love
You give love in drips and drabs
Your love takes all I have
I shouldn’t blame you, I know
Girl, you won’t let me go
I try to count one, two, three
Careless tears fall on me
Rip my heart out as you please
Girl, I am on my knees
I’m on my knees, beggin you please
Don’t take your Drippin Love from me
Don’t take your Drippin Love from me
No matter what I do, I’m screwed
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
Now that I have had my way
Dammit girl you can’t stay
There’s someone else coming home
Girl, your love’s free to roam
I’m on my knees, beggin you please
Don’t take your Drippin Love from me
Don’t take your Drippin Love from me
No matter what I do, I’m screwed
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
Without your Drippin Love I can’t see through
-
OMG! This is the best challenge EVER! Thank you John!
Happy Dance
-
I think Kels right, you're not suppose to use your title in the song when you have a chorus, but I like your repetition, it keeps drippin drippin the lyrics inside my mind. Lol.
Goldy
Thanks Goldy, Stand by for an edit. in a bit. gotta think (and no it doesn't hurt to think!! Tee Hee)
-
Hey Lisa,
I love your overuse of repetition it's very
StonesBones! From a technical stand though, you have your title in your verse, and that is a no no in a song with a chorus. Also, I wouldn't make Mick's grunts part of your lyric, that is more a performance thing in my opinion. Also, your structure is a bit out, in that you have 2 verses between your 1st and 2nd chorus, while the "guidelines" say only one.Remember we are writing for somebody else. And if the
StonesBones don't run with it, we still need to be able to pitch it to somebody else. In reality theStonesBones write their own, or cover exceedingly well written songs written by successful writers (Under the Boardwalk for eg) so whatever rules they break in songs they pen themselves, we don't have the luxury of copying. Other A&R people will be laughing all the way to the trash can!Your lyric isn't the only one I've read that throws this guideline out the window, but as external writers, sticking to the formula of successful externally written songs is a must in my humble opinion.
Kel
ah, you caught me again...I started out that way but when I saw Vagda had the same amount of V and C I didn't want to duplicate. I'll edit when I get home...in an hour...not from Orlando!
Lisa, I changed to first person, is this what you mean? I hardly ever write in first person.
This is my 2nd version, I wanted to write the reality of my sad version of being called Red Hot Mama EDITED TO FIRST PERSON.
Red Hot Mama
V
I watch her on the street at night
Wearing a black mini dress
Tears stream down her face
Wondering where she'll go next
Pre Chorus
No one knows her drama
Or what's behind her sad eyes
No one can see through her
Painful, painful disguise
C
I call her Red Hot Mama
She lives her nights precariously
But she's nothing like she seems to be
Turning tricks like a merry go round
Each ride takes her further down
Bound to a life of Hell she falls
She's not Red Hot Mama at all
She's not Red Hot Mama at all
V
I see her in shiny red lipstick
Throwing back her long blonde hair
Staring into the empty future
Knowing she's going nowhere
V
Age has played her so hard
I know she tries to pretend
Remembering better times
When she was young again
B
I wonder if her life will change
But I really don't know
If she had family to help
She'd have hope for tomorrow
C
I call her Red Hot Mama
She lives her nights precariously
But she's nothing like she seems to be
Turning tricks like a merry go round
Each ride takes her further down
Bound to a life of Hell she falls
She's not Red Hot Mama at all
She's not Red Hot Mama at all
Goldy
:grindance:awww that was quick! Yes, that is what I mean. Do you like it? I do!
-
The rich and famous, the celebrity circle, the folk from Harvard who down a Yale, those who think anyone worth less than a million is trash, lazy or stoopid, and of course, old money, not some new up and at it worked his way into a fortune lucky trash... no, old money only, country clubs, weekends in Paris, money in the Caymans...
Got it?
I figured it was "old money"...
-
Sticky When Rich
Intro:
When I was a kid I didn’t gather no moss
Now im the boss, I cant seem to wash it off
V1
When I sang the blues, I ran through the milieu
with defiance in my heart, and shit on my shoes
And when I lusted for the earth, I didn’t reckon on the hurt
I only saw the candy, no I couldn’t see the dirt
Chorus:
Sticky when rich, it’s on every stitch I stand in
Tarred and pitched, bitching and demanding
No I cant let go, I can only touch some more
yes I know it’s kind of kitsch but you that you’re sticky babe…
Yes you’re sticky when rich
-Chorus-
V2:
Baby you and me, we was running free
I turned around and found, we didn’t cover no ground
I turned back again, there was you and your mother,
And next thing I know, it’s a half a dozen others.
-Chorus-
V3:
Baby you can join me under this umbrella
But there aint no room for them white trash fellers
Do ya wanna be with me or the hoi polloi?
Did you reckon on winding up a rich man’s toy?
-Chorus-
Scat outro:
All that filthy lucre sticks to everything
And it glistens on my shoes and it shows in my clothes
It clogs up my ears and it sweetens the air underneath my nose
But its sticky honey
Yes its sticky when rich
Sometimes…
I wanna kick shit in the slum with all the other scum
Because all this fine dining is gittin kind of humdrum
Sticky when rich…
Sticky when rich…
1-Oct-2013
Unwise Bill, Stabber & Ricardo
hoi polloi... care to explain? Or do I have to look it up?
:grindance:-
Who's Online 2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 15 Guests (See full list)
Challenge #16 - The Famous One
in Writing Challenges
Posted · Edited by lguzda
Hi Goldy, my comments are in green. I'll post my second draft below. Thank you for your critique.
Goldy, not sure about this song being great. It really has no where to go but I've done some work based on your's and Donna's thoughts and would love your thoughts on the second draft below.Thank you!