goldylocks

Well here's another effort. This is harder than it looks, I almost always right in third person. Only a few lyrics have I written in first person, but being a novice at writing lyrics who knows if they are written right. Anyway I tried. I wrote the syllables I used, when you said the meter is off, so it is not off by more than 1 or 2. Nineteen Hot Shots Down I saw a lightening bolt come down 9 syallables A flashing fork of Hell striking the land 9 Hungry flames licked the standing trees 9 Death's face rose from the burning leaves 9 Nineteen young hot shot fighters came 9 Into the swirling smoky wilderness 10 My eyes stung and the tears streamed down 9 into the flames they went bravely bound 10 Chorus: Nineteen Hot Shots Down 6 I heard them cry with fear in their eyes 9 My mouth hung open in shocked surprise 9 I saw them search on the scorched ground 8 One by one bringing the bodies downed 9 Sorrow flowed in the air like smoke 9 The fire chief spoke with lost hope 9 Nineteen Hot Shots Down 6 Verse: Sadly I remember the day 8 Courage screaming out of their eyes 7 Battling through the raging fire wall 8 Loyal to the day they were called 7 Verse: A flag of love flies in their honor 9 My Flowers lie near the station 9 In memory of the Nineteen Hot Shots 10 Who forever will be in our thoughts Chorus: Repeat

John, I'm not familiar with abc rhyme scheme, could you give me an example, so I can see it, before I attempt to re write this. It sounds like there is no rhyme, but I'm not sure. Thanks Goldy

I wrote this song about the Wild Fire in my state of Arizona. Here is the news reference. It's a tragic memory. So I wrote this in honor of the 19 who died. http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/01/19-firefighters-killed-battling-arizona-blaze/ Nineteen Hot Shots Down A lightening bolt came down A flashing fork of Hell Forcing out all the people From the town of Yarnell Nineteen hot shot fighters saw Hungry flames eat up the air Licking trees in the forests Burning wild land everywhere Chorus: Nineteen Hot Shots Down Nineteen Hot Shots Down Leaping fire walls all around Singed they battled day and night Never giving up the fight Never giving up the fight Laying down their lives that day Not one of them walked away Verse: Nineteen Hot Shots Down On the day of June 30, 2013 Brave men and a woman Became news history Verse: A flag flies in their honor Flowers spread near the fire station In memory of their loyal duty To everyone in the nation Bridge: Wildfires are relentless One of man's worst enemies Once a fire is burning It can destroy anything Chorus: Repeat

I changed the line from said, to shouted. Also the line you were the fire in my life, to a fire went out in my life. I think it's more descriptive. Lastly, I put the word in had in the last line. Thanks Lisa, for pointing that out. Goldy

Thanks for the nice trip back to memory lane Lisa. You took me back to when I was a kid. My parents couldn't afford a house, so we went to live with the Webers on a farm. What a wonderful place, everything the way you describe it in your song. You certainly have a creative streak in you. I could smell the fresh air and smell the fish frying, as I camped in your song for a while watching the stars. I love it!!!!! Goldy

My entry a love song with the four elements used. Just One More Time Verse: We laughed at yesterday Love seemed fine Drinking it in Like Summer wine Verse: You shouted move out Your words pierced like a knife The earth turned upside down A fire went out in my life Chorus: Just one more time Let me lie with you in dreams Watch the sunrise in your eyes Kiss your lips like red velvet Before we say good bye Just one more time Let me stroke your tousled hair Whisper softly in your ear Let my fingers touch your body As I float up in the air Verse: You let me play the fool Over and over again Just one more time I thought I could win Verse: Streaming tears are falling My hand's trembling on the door Just one more time Let me love you like before Bridge: You were the star in the show A beautiful blooming rose I thought I was your leading man I just didn't know your plan Repeat Chorus:

I'm glad you like it. I changed it to maze, instead of state, because maze seems to connect with kaleidoscope more. Your choice, your lyrics, like I said before, reminds me of Joni Mitchell's, that's how they came across to me. Goldy

Lisa, I really love this colorful creative song, but these lines seem awkward compared to the rest of your lyrics. Especially, To tell you the truth, it doesn't seem to fit with lyrics that flow with romance, it detracts from them, sounds like the beginning of an announcement. Of course that's only my opinion. To tell you the truth, my whole life has been Spent looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope. I have a suggestion below, please don't be offended. Keep or sweep. I'm just trying to help, Other than that a Joni Mitchell type song for sure. Beautifully written! I have spent my whole life in a maze of dreams Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope Or My whole life I've been in a maze of dreams Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope Goldy Thanks, for the lovely review on Psalm 91. I appreciate your time and your comments. I told Skin about the free song writing course on July19, I thought I would give you the same link. In that case, you owe it to yorself to sign up for the FREE Pat Pattison's Songwriting Class:Introduction to Songwriting at Coursera.org and it starts July 19th. (and it's FREE) Edited by goldylocks, Today, 12:55 PM.

Thanks Skin, for the encouragement. I appreciate your comments. I only wish I was musically inclined, so I can put my lyrics to music. I'm taking a free song course on line, if your interested, it starts July 19. Here is the information, In that case, you owe it to yorself to sign up for the FREE Pat Pattison's Songwriting Class:Introduction to Songwriting at Coursera.org and it starts July 19th. (and it's FREE) Summer is my name on another forum, it slipped in here by mistake Goldy I love these guys!!!!

Thanks John, I guess I wrote a refrain in my verses, without even knowing I did. Every last line in my verses is Under Your Wing, so I guess that qualifies for a refrain. Although I did not make my verses rhyme. It's still somewhat confusing, but thanks for the info. I'll read it over again Summer

Skin, what I like about your lyrics, is the visual images you create. It brings depth to them, they don't just lay there on the page, they jump out and grab you, puling you in. These lyrics are not only humorous, they take you for a ride!!! I enjoyed reading them, and I can't even imagine how great they would be put to music. Cute as button! Summer

This is what popped into my head for the this weeks Challenge. It's my version of mostly non rhyme Psalm 91 in song. I hope you enjoy it. The rhyme only appears in the Chorus and Bridge, I'm still not sure what a refrain is. If I have one. would someone tell me. Under Your Wing Psalm 91 Non rhyme song Verse: You are my refuge A safe place to be Resting in Your shadow Under Your Wing Chorus: Under Your Wing I can climb high on green mountains I can walk on blue stormy seas I can shut the mouths of roaring lions Under Your Wing Under Your Wing Verse: Your feathers shield me From terrors of night Covering me with love Under Your Wing Bridge: Nothing is impossible There is nothing I can't do I only have to believe To get me through Verse: Your hand lifts me up Above the world's pain Filling me with joy Under Your Wing Chorus: Under Your Wing I can tread on poisonous serpents I can hear angels voices sing I can see my spirit soar in light Under Your Wing Under Your Wing Repeat last 3 lines twice

Very nice Lisa, it sure is picturesque of Summer. I like your imagery, suntan lotion, salty air ,ocean, sand between your toes. The whole structure works together nicely. Goldy

Skin, these lyrics have it all. Imagery, rhyme perfect and are Summery! They flow effortlessly. Very nice! Goldy

Thanks, for your help, I'm new at writing lyrics, so I appreciate your suggestions, I changed some lines so the syllables are much closer together. I used your idea for the top down. It's all a learning process, thanks for your input. Goldy

Played with Guitar Well I re posted my lyrics, thought I would give a shot. Thanks John for the encouragement to stick around. Revised version: Oh Summertime Sings to You Verse: Top down cruising the beach Sunlight beams down from the sky Wind blows wildly through your hair As you watch seagulls fly by Verse: Children laughing and splashing Frolicking in blue water tide Pretty girls wearing bikinis Take surf boards out for a ride Chorus: Oh Summer time sings to you Oh Summer time sings to you There's music through the air An orchestra of joy Is playing everywhere Oh Summer time sings to you Oh Summer time sings to you Charming everyone around Making hearts beat faster With a romantic sound Verse: You hear waves crashing Lying with your girl on the sand Kissing her in the moonlight Lovers walk by hand in hand Chorus: Oh Summer time sings to you Oh Summer time sings to you There's music through the air An orchestra of joy Is playing everywhere Oh Summer time sings to you Oh Summer time sings to you Charming everyone around Making hearts beat faster With a romantic sound Ending Chorus: Oh Summer time sings to you Oh Summer time sings to you Makes you burst into a smile Hearing a Summer melody If only for a little while

I really misunderstood the rules, I owe the moderators, an apology, for my uncalled for post. Because of my stupidity of not reading the rules. Goldy

Hey Kel, I really liked the story line in your lyrics, and the imagery was great. My only nit is your chorus seems weak for such powerful lyrics. Suggestion for your chorus below. It's only a suggestion to help that's all. Also this leads into your other verses. Other than that great lyrics. If only he knew... What he had sent us into... If only we knew, On the Line... If only he knew In a few more hours We'd be running Out of time

I gotta get my head out of this cloud Erase your name from my mind Start lookin' for someone new and leave your memory behind