jamestoffee

Hi John, :WHAT?!?!? .......and ............well John, I will apologize for the misunderstanding, but I did have a good laugh ........... ........MY COMMENTS ON THE SONGS WERE NOT ABOUT YOUR TWO SONGS. I just Googled the song titles for two songs and the first song "Always On My Mind"was an Elvis Presley song and the second song "I Am One" was by the Smashing Pumpkins.......I thought those were the example songs he was referring to.........I hope this clarifies my earlier comments/song critiques to Rudi..... -James

Hi Rudi, Thanks for the answers to the questions. I had not read John's examples, but I have now. The first song seemed identifiable...the singer was not a good partner in the relationship and was admitting their faults, the second I was clueless. .....kudos giving what asked for in the structure of the assignment. I would like to hear what the story is behind the song so I can see what I missed, but if you prefer not to share, no worries as well

Hi Kel and Rudi and John, Thanks for your critique/feedback Here is an updated version: =====Revised Version 2===== NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 Find me A smile’s all I wear Run the red lights Tangle my hair Claim me I’ve brushed on your name Marked every inch Used all the paint Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Touch me You tease titillate Leave the lights on Don’t make me wait Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver ‘Til I give in Your curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Loose curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me

Hi Rudi Untitled Song 19 ----This is a bit of a red flag; like driving with no destination in mind; freewriting..... V1 Just enough to please and not enough to harm But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste.....at this point, I’ve read a whole verse and don’t know what is going on V2 You must keep your friends well away from me.....is this a command, or a declarative statement? You know that I will only make them suffer This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity......what thing? You will hear my call and you will answer.....I still don’t know what the singer is referring to chorus And I will have your respect.......why? And I will have your attention.......why? I could become everything that you request.....doesn’t sound like the same singer’s voice in the previous 2 lines But you must strive for my perfection......I don’t know, sounds like maybe a karate teacher talking to a student V3 four measured minutes of tender care.......what? The same rendezvous every evening......I don’t understand? All that you can express is measured by my blades caress......blade? like Freddy Kruger, or blades of grass, or roller blades?.....I am waiting for a big payoff line to bring this all together....... As I am blessed while you stand receiving.......nope.....I don’t get it....maybe the closing Karate Kid.....honour to the teacher for being a teacher? Take or toss feedback as you see fit J -James

Hi Goldy, My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need.. Touch Me in the Dark Your eyes flicker ......nice image with setting in the dark Hungry desire......ok Eating me alive......eyes don’t eat....is the desire hungry? Who's? the singer's or singee's? I run from you......ok....makes me wonder why when the title says touch me in the dark I cringe and hide......doesn’t fit the title yet You pull me back....ok Caress me gently ....ok Blazing with heat ......gently and blazing are different levels of intensity Lust trickles down.....interesting line Inflaming my sheets ...trickle and inflame seems an odd match Chorus: Touch me in the Dark....what switched from cringe and hide to touch me?...also at this point the singee is already touching the singer, so why ask for what is already happening? Wrap me in the night....interesting Blind me with your light....introducing a new image that is a bit out of place I want you....ok I need you....ok I can't let you go....ok Touch me in the dark....ok I give you my soul....makes the singee supernatural V: You press your lips....ok....the syllable count is off a bit in the vers; if that’s something you are looking to match Steaming on mine....lips steaming could be a turn on for some My heart beats hard...ok Pounding on your chest ...ok Catching me off guard...why? it was already beating hard in cringing and hiding and no less so in being touched Verse I can't say goodbye.....why does the singer need to say goodbye You hold me captive....captives don’t have an option to say goodbye Give me such a high.....how does height work with the images of heat/light/dark? Spread my broken wings....why broken? Why running if the singer has wings? Make me think I can fly....maybe implies the singer didn’t think it possible for “touching†an act as natural as “flyingâ€....but now being touched realizes his/her potential to trusts their instincts?....but if the wings were broken, wouldn’t the singer had been flying before... ....but ending on the image of flying or desire to fly doesn't really support the title/main idea "Touch Me in the Dark" Take what helps and toss the rest J -James

Hi Kel, -----" he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable"." Wow, if/since I missed that I'd be needing a lot of change for this one.....could you direct me to where that is in the posts?.....I'm not used to this style of thread, so I'm not surprised I'm missing some things here and there. Thanks. BTW - the lust/obsession is the one layer singer person to singee person....the other interpretation is singer person to someone's head of hair (their own or someone else's)

Hi Donna, Do Not Attempt To Breathe V1 Nowadays you're lookin' wan – ‘wan’ is a bit obscure.....try “Nowadays what’s going on?†or "Now, honey/friend/girlfriend tell me what's been going on" Hollow eyes, no lipstick on -Nice line! You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun--Nice line! Great image in a couple lines to set the mood/concern Pre chorus He worked the charm Held out his arms He worked the kiss Then did it go like this? Chorus – a bit heavy for a chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe V2 I sure wish you'd talk to me- switch of Point of View from 3rd to 2nd Come here close, you need to see He's bad, and he won't ever let you be....consider setting up the relationship of this singer to the singee before now Pre chorus He worked the charm Held out his arms He worked the kiss Then did it go like this? Chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe Bridge –comes off a bit preachy by exalting the singer’s past wisdom, but then telling the singer....you’re sure to drown Never told you this before I knew him once, I won that war Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And you're sure to drown Chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe Outro I won't say I told you so- still a bit condeseending, plus the fact that the singer “Never told you this beforeâ€....so what is the time frame lapse between the bridge and the outro.....how could the singer give new information and then say “I told you so†But let me help you now to go......this idea might be better at the start of the song for clarity of the message “I want to help a friend out of a bad relationshipâ€....but then the title seems misleading.....the friend is saying don’t attempt to breathe? It sounds more like something the bad partner would say.......unless the idea is the singee is in over her head......if so, consider setting up the “drowning is a bad relationship†metaphor sooner Use what helps and toss the rest J -James

Hi Goldy, Thank you for the feedback. I am not used to this thread kind of feedback, so I revised my original post with the changes there, but I will post them here as well. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12567108 =====Revised Version===== Touch me You tease titillate You’re my obsession Don’t make me wait Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver ‘Til I give in Your curls Fingered in slow twirls Now to confession You’re my obsession Tasty Wind kissing licks Exhale the shiver Stuck smooth on lips Please, please Please stop this ache You’re my obsession Braided by fate Loose curls Fingered in slow twirls Now to confession You’re my obsession

Hi Goldy, Nice start, a little editing could sharpen the impact of the message. Rage Verse I can feel the rage -maybe state a physical reaction show instead of tell Stirring up my pride- more telling (try switching to concrete nouns for ideas like “rage, and pride†Coming up slowly – does the fact that it’s happening slowly impact the situation? Heat's starting to rise- heat starts off a metaphor “rage is fire†Verse: My body's on fire – why? Lust, sickness, anger? Fever is rising – already stated in V1 Burning up higher – already stated in V1 I feel like I'm dying – not known why.....the metaphor is not really developed by introducing death Chorus: Rage, Rage ....consider not using the same words in the verse and chorus It's coming up inside.....already stated From feelings I can't hide....how does this add....why should this be hidden? Rage Rage Flames are climbing higher... already stated My body's on fire- already stated From this desire....a new element of desire seemingly unconnected from dying and fire metaphor Verse: Can't take anymore.....take what? Walking on hot coals....implies the emotion is external whereas up until now the emotion has been generating internally......ie slowly rising You haunt me like a ghost.....ghost is not connected to previous imagery or metaphor And won't leave my soul.....connection of soul and heat? Verse: My eyes smolder red.....indicates sadness rather than rage or desire I don't thing you know.....I thought the singee was a ghost or like a ghost in other words not around When you look at me .....is the singee present or not in the singer’s life? Passion's got control ......passion? sorrow? Rage? Dying? Consider one emotional focus Take what works and toss what doesn’t. -James

Hi Kel, Thanks for the song reference. That helps a lot. I'm not sure the etiquette here at this forum if it is to comment on the first post or only on the revised, so I will comment here and read through your changes later. There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine (nice physical reference) When I walk past your new house, every time. (this line is a bit awkward.....it seems the singee is new to the neighbourhood as opposed to a new house being built.....also new house seems the singer already knew the singer from the old house.......also, “every time†detracts from the 1st line of “brand new†Didn't know we lived so close and.....I’m confused if the singer already knows the singee Never guessed we prob'ly both know.........know what? Every one you meet, there on your street.......I’m not understanding this There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees......nice parallel to first vs 1st line When I pass by your office, and I see,....is this pass by like from the street? I see you through the window smiling,......implies passing by from outside Hear you in the staff room laughing,......implies the singee and singer work at the same place Lighting up the day, in your own way.......by smiling? Will you ever notice me,......singer’s longing revealed I'm the one that you should be with,........statement/wish A brand new kind of someone, it should be me......there seems to be a mislabeling of who or what is the “brand new†If the singee is the brand new, then the new affects on the singer make sense, but if the singer is the brand new, implied in this line, it doesn’t make sense b/c for the singee moving to a new neighbourhood and job, EVERYTHING is a brand new something There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart, (nice) And one day soon we'll never, be apart......missing the connection of an introduction into the singee’s world.... You'll be happy that I'm with you There could be no other for you I will hold you tight, all through the night. I will treat you right, till dawn's new light. I will hold you tight, all through the night.....seems like the repetition, used to bring out emphasis, should be focused more on the title or main idea Take whatever helps and toss the rest J -James

Hi All, Newbie here Title: Kiss Me Listen to the mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 =====Revised Version 5=====- Claim me A smile’s all I wear Run the red lights Tangle my hair Watch me I see you’re amused Wipe off that smirk Slip off those shoes Your curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Touch me Don’t make me wait I’m weak in the knees My body aches Take me Leave the lights on I’ll bite if you tease It’s been too long Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me solo Loose curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me =====Revised Version 4=====- Claim me A smile’s all I wear Run the red lights Tangle my hair Watch me I see you’re amused Wipe off that smirk Slip off those shoes Chorus Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Touch me Don't tease now you've come I am a mess I am undone Take me Oh my body aches Leave the lights on Don’t make me wait chorus solo chorus =====Revised Version 3===== updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 Find me A smile’s all I wear Run the red lights Tangle my hair Claim me I’ve brushed on your name Marked every inch Used all the paint Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Feed me Dessert between sheets Satin on skin You tasty treat Touch me You tease titillate Leave the lights on Don’t make me wait Your curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Loose curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me =====Revised Version 2===== Find me A smile’s all I wear Run the red lights Tangle my hair Claim me I’ve brushed on your name Marked every inch Used all the paint Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Touch me You tease titillate Leave the lights on Don’t make me wait Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver ‘Til I give in Your curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Loose curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me =====Revised Version 1===== Y1W19 Obsession http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12567108 Touch me You tease titillate You’re my obsession Don’t make me wait Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver ‘Til I give in Your curls Fingered in slow twirls Now to confession You’re my obsession Tasty Wind kissing licks Exhale the shiver Stuck smooth on lips Please, please Please stop this ache You’re my obsession Braided by fate Loose curls Fingered in slow twirls Now to confession You’re my obsession =====Original Version===== Touch me Mix pleasure with pain Call it obsession Barely still sane Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver Tense to a grin Soft curls Fingered in slow twirls Once a possession Now an obsession Greedy Obscenities break Call it obsession Can’t stop the ache Needy Burn, burn sweetly sick Exhale the shiver Should do the trick Soft curls Fingered in slow twirls Once a possession Now an obsession