jamestoffee

Update: The song was accepted for submission. Here is a link to the story, song and donation: View the song here: http://singmeastory.org/stories/the-great-robbery?song=439 Here is one organization I checked out and thought it might interest others as well: http://singmeastory.org/ The Sing Me a Story Foundation combines the imaginations of children in hospitals, children's homes, vulnerable youth organizations and hospices with the talents of songwriters to create stories and songs that bring joy to all those involved. Here is a link to the song I plan to submit to the organization: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/35656-29-the-great-robbery/

***Poof*** more concrete details and sensory imagery added.

Hi Lloyd, Seems to be working for the assignment. Interesting take on addressing one singee instead of multiple. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Goldy, Thanks for the feedback. We need that to know if what we imagine is working or not for others. As you can tell, I was going for a minimalistic approach but ended up too vague..... ....on my read of it this morning, I realized there is only one concrete image "bell jar", so the lack of concrete images is the weakness making it vague. Thanks again James

Here's my submission for this topic: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/35629-28-bell-jar/

#28 Bell Jar http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12702165 =====Revised Version 2======= Crisp starch petticoats hang on hooks Teach young women to clean and cook Doll house dreams; manicures Don’t bite the doctor; don’t fight the nurse Typewriter keys click at 4 A.M. Black blots on pages with fountain pens Poems to the dead; dry inkwell Lady Lazarus back from Hell She was young She was smart Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar The ocean refused her sour breath Under the floor boards swallowed pills for rest Carbon monoxide dying is an art Head in the oven; half-baked heart She was young She was smart Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar I think I made you up inside my head (repeat) I shut my eyes and the world drops dead =====Revised Version 1======= Typewriter keys click at 4 A.M. Black blots on pages with fountain pens Poems to the dead; dry inkwell Lady Lazarus back from Hell She was young She was smart Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar The ocean refused her sour breath Under the floor boards swallowed pills for rest Carbon monoxide dying is an art Head in the oven; half-baked heart She was young She was smart Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar I think I made you up inside my head (repeat) I shut my eyes and the world drops dead =====Original Version===== She lived to write At least she tried She tried to write This mother; this wife She was young She was smart Life outside distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar She lived to die At least she tried She tried to die This mother; this wife She was young She was smart Life outside distorted; bizarre She kept her rage in a bell jar I think I made you up inside my head (repeat) I shut my eyes and the world drops dead It's weird as soon as I posted this song, I got an email about the following songwriting article: http://nicholastozier.com/words/four-lessons-in-songwriting-from-sylvia-plath/

Hi Vagda, Looking good. I'll play a guessing game and say the first person that came to mind was Kurt Cobain and it seems to fit the 27 club, but I didn't know about it until I googled Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Goldy You are right....My mistake I was thinking the verses were 3rd person and the chorus 1st person, but ....... It's all 3rd person....only one line sticks out "If we're all walking in the light."....but that can fit under the implication of "they say/they cry" Sorry about that confusion. -James

Hi Goldy, Nice work. Interesting topic. Suggestions: Consider revising where the POV shifts around and also balancing the end rhyme patterns. Thanks for sharing. James

>The list of people are unsaved friends who don't know Jesus. I also changed it to pray with me, because I want them to ride the train. Thanks for the clarification

Hi Goldy, Thanks for the listen and post James

Hi Goldie, Looking good. I know this is a tricky assignment with the constraints. Is there meaning to the list of people? Suggestion: Consider instead of "fall" try "far" Leaving sorrow FAR behind Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Llyod, Good start on the read I could hear an Irish type tune.....like 'cockles and mussels", or you could expand the search to the seas and ports and have a sailor's type song. Thanks for sharing. James

Interesting. I had defaulted in thinking to colors, sound and smells and textures for verses and repetition for choruses....not always, but as a general rule of thumb. Thanks for clarifying. ...and I agree with your analysis of the song ending with the importance of the performance.

Interesting, I've only heard benefits of repetition. If you wouldn't mind sharing, I'd like to hear why someone would chose to take this songwriter's tool out of their tool box.

Hi MP, Thanks for the listen and post. I found the week's challenge of the structure restrictions....a challenge ....and as far as the recording....my family does a good job at pointing out my lack of rapping skills....LOL .....but we can't take ourselves to seriously anyway...if we did, we'd miss out on a lot of fun Thanks again. James

Looks like you got the form down and the right topic to interchange the players. Nice job! -James

+1 Great start, Mike. Looks like it could go many directions musically, and a chorus would help tie in a theme; just keep it simple so the verses could shine. -James

Hi Mike, Thanks for the feedback on the lyrics and production. You are spot on as far as calling this a scratch recording. I am trying to develop my recording skills, but it is still at the amateur level of experience and equipment. Songwriter, musician, singer, recording engineer definitely have some overlap points, but each needs equal time and attention to develop. At some point, I hope to put together a cd of some of my better songs, but I don't mind spending my time developing my songwriting skills for this season first....and I'd most likely go to a "real studio" when it's time to add the spit-shine Thanks again. James

Here is a link to my submission for this challenge: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34876-27-oh-those-high-school-days/

Listen here http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12680747 As I sat down with my yearbook today Studying in the USA Those high school years are ones we share God, bless the USA Cheerleaders shake that ground Pompoms up; pump that crowd Cheerleaders shake that ground Oh those high school days As I sat down with my yearbook today Studying in the USA The pages filled with 80’s flair God, bless the USA Marching band shake that ground Dynomiters; pump that crowd Shake it band shake that ground Oh those high school days As I sat down with my yearbook today Studying in the USA Those high school years are ones we share God, bless the USA Cliques and clubs shake that ground Wave your banners in the crowd Cliques and clubs shake that ground Oh those high school days As I sat down with my yearbook today Studying in the USA The bullies and babes in 80’s hair God, bless the USA Bullies and babes shake that ground We know you’re in the crowd Shake it hard shake that ground Oh those high school days As I sat down with my yearbook today Studying in the USA Those high school years are ones we share God, bless the USA Jocks and nerds shake that ground Play your games; play the crowd Jocks and nerds shake that ground Oh those high school days As I sat down with my year book today Studying in the USA Some teachers taught some teachers cared God, bless the USA Y12W15 Oh Those High School Days.mp3

Hi Lloyd, So on the read, as a member of the audience, I come away with this: One sentence meaning of the story: The singer does not know if his/her actions on Earth will mean eternity in Heaven or Hell. One emotion: fear That's what I read, so it's up to you to confirm or deny if this was your intended message and if it came through clearly.... .......If this is not your intended message, consider areas that could clarify your message for the audience..... ........after that set the lyrics to an appropriate mood and you're done -James

Hi Lloyd, I like the changes. "Just a citizen so faulty." could use a bit more tweaking......citizen of where? why is the singer "faulty"? Suggestion: consider writing out the lyrics main idea and feeling in one sentence and check that every line contributes to that idea. There might be a similar story of feeling between two choices in the parable "The Wolf You Feed" http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/06/13/741986/-The-Wolf-You-Feed Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Goldy, Thanks for the warm welcome back! >I don't think it relates well to the Challenge of a retired Heavy Metal singer. I was fitting in the genre listed of folk/blues fusion. If interested, you should take a listen to the kind of songs Robert Plant has worked on in recent years; not really heavy metal elements, but then there is also a debate to be had of labeling heavy metal vs. hard rock/classic rock. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezFPV12TJdQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3Xi5gvZ7Kk Hi Kel, >Would Bobby like it? I think he might. Maybe, he did sing "Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSaYpgjy-94 Thanks for the listens and posts, James

Hi John, Ok. I think I got it right for now. .....so that means we should also comment on writer's posts in the lyrics critique board, not here. Yes?