No More Bad Grades

[coombs5200]

So he returns once more to that god forsaken plot,

Beached upon a shore of broken promises,

Changing his future in each 60 minute slot.

Whisky stains the breath in the winter chill,

Frozen on the trigger,

Let him do what he will.

6 lay still.

The barrell rests against his consciousness

Slowly a crimson pool,

drowns his hoplessness

[purevintage]

This is such a big story in a lil package, if that makes sense haha...its a good thing. If I were you I'd def. try to expand on it.

[Mazrocon]

I kinda agree with purevintage. It has the makings of being a very good poem, but feels a little big vague. Sometimes that's okay, but in this I'm slightly lost.

I like the middle stanza the best!

~TIMOTHY~

[coombs5200]

Thank you for the feedback guys ill work on a few verses over the next couple of weeks

[stlcards2142]

Yeah, I agree with them. You could really expand on this and make it a great piece of work. Keep it up man.

[psyve]

Contrary to others before me, I enjoyed the vagueness of your lines... that made me conjour up my own images ... which is the really intellectually stimulating part of poetry/ lyrics for me.

It may need a little more work , but if I were you, I wouldn't explain it...wouldnt want it to be made crystal clear.

That becomes story telling, not poetry.

What you have here, now, is poetry.

-Psyve

[RodChandler]

I have to agree with psyve, I like that it leaves it up to me the reader to take my own interpretation away from your poem. To me that is the essence of a good poem.

For me the barrel resting against his consciousness was the line that conjured up the most stark vision of his desperation.