The First Lyrics Challenge Is....

[writeandwrong]

                        last taste of   summer

 

your love was my last taste of summer

and the good times to

when darkness falls im a lone

winter calls for those for got on

only blues can carry me on 

 

bring me back the summer

i still think of you

though the spring is gone

for me theres only you

only blues can carry me on

 

just like winter

im alone with out you

the cold it drains me to

restless days and sleepless nights

all a lone i think of you

 

bring me back the summer

and the good times to

come back to me precious one

your love was my last taste of summer

summer was my last taste of loving you

 

though the days feel like autumn

in the summer im still with you

bring me back the summer

summer was my last taste

of loving you loving you loving you

 

Hi, Az09.

 

The song form is ABAB. If you want to keep this structure, I feel you need to strengthen up your chorus and make it pop out. Your title is "Last Taste of Summer". If you called it "Taste of Summer", you could offer different metaphors of tasty summer things to spice up your lyric and bring in some more imagery.

 

You are bringing the different seasons into the song rather than tastes. "You're the reason for this lovely summer season" or something similar is popping into my head for what you have here.

 

Just a few pointers to take what you have and turn it into something that pops out a little more. You have an idea down and sometimes it just takes a little push to light a spark. Once you have done that, then you can work on strengthening the rhyme scheme, etc. Hope I have given you a couple of different ideas to help.

 

Cheryl

[writeandwrong]

 

Played with Guitar

Well I re posted my lyrics, thought I would give a shot. Thanks John for the encouragement to stick around.

Revised version:

Oh Summertime Sings to You

Verse:

Top down cruising the beach

Sunlight beams down from the sky

Wind blows wildly through your hair

As you watch seagulls fly by

Verse:

Children laughing and splashing

Frolicking in blue water tide

Pretty girls wearing bikinis

Take surf boards out for a ride

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

There's music through the air

An orchestra of joy

Is playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

Charming everyone around

Making hearts beat faster

With a romantic sound

Verse:

You hear waves crashing

Lying with your girl on the sand

Kissing her in the moonlight

Lovers walk by hand in hand

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

There's music through the air

An orchestra of joy

Is playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

Charming everyone around

Making hearts beat faster

With a romantic sound

Ending Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

Makes you burst into a smile

Hearing a Summer melody

If only for a little while

•  

 

 

Hi, Goldylocks.

 

Hmm...I'm thinking the title simply could be "Summertime". I think maybe if you keep the title you have, you can strengthen your verses to support the title and chorus.

 

To keep your title, you could write down a lot of words that have to do with summer and singing and bring them into your verses. For instance, the last line of verse 1 could be something like, "While seagulls sing flying by" I'm not a fan of using "sing" so early in the lyric if it's in the title. If it was "The Music of Summer" you could incorporate more musical terms rather than just singing related.

 

The chorus could be made stronger by organizing it a little more. Instead of repeating the title two times at the beginning of each chorus section, maybe split it up a little. Here is just a first thought that came into my mind:

 

Oh Summer time sings to you

There's music through the air

An orchestra of joy

As summer sings to you

Singing songs everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you

Charming everyone around

Making hearts beat faster

As summer sings to you

With a romantic sound

 

I'm just throwing out different directions you could take your lyric to make you think more of the possibilities of what you can do with what you have here. I think this is a very workable start and would like to see/hear what you do with it.

 

Cheryl

 

Edit: I just read through other peoples' responses and found you are new to writing. For a new writer, you did amazingly well and hope you are still sticking with it. Please take what everyone has said as a learning experience. There is always room for improvement and once you are familiar with the tools, you learn to rewrite until you personally are 100% happy with it. I haven't checked out the rest of the challenges yet, but hope you are continuing to plug along with them :-)