The First Lyrics Challenge Is....

[goldylocks]

Hi goldylocks

 

Lots of good imagery, there are a couple of things that stand out for me that I would change. The 1st line  "Riding on the beach in a convertible" Riding to me is for bikes or horses not so much cars? to me anyway. may be something more along the lines 

"Soft top down, cruising the beach" or similar use roof instead of soft. just my thought on that line. Theres a couple of other lines I would play with but I am not here to take over your song so I wont suggest anything else in the way of changes. 

I think Lisa is right about making it hard to put a melody to it with the differences in the verse's, a few minor tweaks could make a big difference, overall very nice thanks for posting.

 

 

Good luck

 

Skin

Thanks, for your help, I'm new at writing lyrics, so I appreciate your suggestions, I changed some lines so the syllables are much closer together. I used your idea for the top down. It's all a learning process, thanks for your input.

 

Goldy      

[goldylocks]

Well wrote this yesterday twiddled with it today, fun upbeat and about summer as per the brief .

 

I'm sure it will need a few tweaks though.

 

Hope you enjoy

 

I Love Summer

 

I love summer

Wished it stay

Beautiful sunshine

Everyday

 

Pretty girls in  

Summer clothes

Looking for love

Mmm Who knows

 

Down on the beach

Out on the town

Everyone smiling

Never a frown

 

The sun is high

The sky is blue

Not a thing

I’d rather do

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

 

She walked by

Gave a smile

Big n bright

Stretched a mile

 

I said hello

She said Hi to

Carried on talking

All summer through

 

Now summers over

We’ve parted ways

Summer romance

Our sunny days

 

All behind us

Until next year

We’ll be back

For summer cheer

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

Skin, these lyrics have it all. Imagery, rhyme perfect and are Summery!

They flow effortlessly. Very nice!

 

Goldy      

[goldylocks]

I had really wanted to shelf this one until I came up with a melody and/or bridge but a challenge is a challenge so here is:

 

Summertime Breeze by Lisa M. Guzda

 

I love the cry of the seagulls

And the sound of the waves

Feel the sand between my toes

And thoughts of you on my brain

 

Meditate and find my peace

Centering my very soul

Feeling the constant wind

I am content, and feel whole

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

 

A certain smell of salty air

Puts a big smile upon my face

Letting me know I’m awfully close

To a very special place

 

The ocean begs and it pleads

Asking me to never leave

Who am I to disappoint

It’s my time for a reprieve

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

Very nice Lisa, it sure is picturesque of Summer. I like your imagery, suntan lotion, salty air ,ocean,  sand between your toes. The whole structure works together nicely. 

 

 

Goldy        

Edited June 14, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

Goldy!

You did a great re-write! I can almost here an upbeat melody in my head for it! Yay, this is fun!

I bet you'll find when you put music to it, it is going to be a fast song. I like it!

and thank you for reading mine and your kind words. :-)

 

All the best,

Lisa

[chased]

Aussie flavour? With all those American song references? As for music, bits and pieces is all, so far lol

K

Maaaate, don't get too sensitive! Those songs were mostly hits here in Oz when we hardly had a music industry, and the terms 'on a roll' and 'makin tracks' sound pretty Aussie to me.

Y'all have to remember its Winter down here, and in Brisbane where Kel and I live we only get about 6-8 weeks of cold weather per year so Summer has a different vibe for us! The cold messes with our heads. But it's obviously good for Kel's muse and his two songs and the others here are excellent. I couldn't get inspired to take on this challenge but looking forward to the next one.

Enjoy your Summer, upside-downers!

[Lisa Gates]

Maaaate, don't get too sensitive! Those songs were mostly hits here in Oz when we hardly had a music industry, and the terms 'on a roll' and 'makin tracks' sound pretty Aussie to me.

Y'all have to remember its Winter down here, and in Brisbane where Kel and I live we only get about 6-8 weeks of cold weather per year so Summer has a different vibe for us! The cold messes with our heads. But it's obviously good for Kel's muse and his two songs and the others here are excellent. I couldn't get inspired to take on this challenge but looking forward to the next one.

Enjoy your Summer, upside-downers!

Chased,

thanks for supporting me! Kel and I usually "get" each other pretty well. It must be the cold getting to his head. Ha ha ha!

 

On to the next challenge!

 

All the best,

Lisa

[john]

next challenge just posted. sorry for the delay!

[writeandwrong]

Hi, all. I'm jumping into the challenges several weeks late but I'm here. I'm really burnt from trying the 50/90 challenge this summer so I'm going to post my "summer" one from there here (but it is a first draft...was given the title and one hour to write it) to start off and get used to how these challenges here work. Personally, I think the bridge is my first area of attack. Thanks!

 

Male vocal

 

"Summer Storm" © 2013 by Cheryl A. Hodgins

.

Verse 1:
A sultry look on an angel's face
On a hot, starry night in July
She flowed with a captivating grace
Others looked on with envious eyes

.

Verse 2:
Her fingers promised me to the moon
As we watched Haley's comet go by
We heard Cupid's heart play a tune
Aquarius shown high in the sky

.

Chorus:
She had me that summer
Yearning with a hunger
I woke every morn
To her summer storm
A season passing
But we were smashing
Soon summer will end
Until then I wake
To her summer storm

.

Verse 3:
In the morning light we have coffee
Saying few words but saying a lot
When she talks she whispers so softly
We're both careful as to no forethought

.

Chorus:
She had me that summer
Yearning with a hunger
I woke every morn
To her summer storm
A season passing
But we were smashing
Soon summer will end
Until then I wake
To her summer storm

.

Bridge:
We don't want this to end
This wasn't supposed to happen
We both have to go back
To the lives we used to have
We don't want to say goodbye
But this is to be our last night

.

Chorus:
She had me that summer
Yearning with a hunger
I woke every morn
To her summer storm
A season passing
But we were smashing
Soon summer will end
Until then I wake
To her summer storm

[writeandwrong]

 

Summer isn't always fun down here in Oz...

 

On The Line

 

It was a hundred in the shade when the call came in

I was clearing dry leaves from my drain.

Suzie called up from the base of the ladder, said

"You're needed down the station again."

 

Thirty minutes later in the back of the truck

We were heading south down the road.

Skipper sent my crew out to cut a fast break

So the fire wouldn't threaten homes.

 

     If only he knew...

     What he was sending us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

We were working a break about half a mile or so long

Between the highway and the river bank.

We could see the smoke around three miles north,

But we still had the wind at our backs.

 

It looked like we were winning when the sun went down

We were having a rest, were on pace.

It was one of those things, ain't nobody's fault,

It had shifted now wind blew in our face!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

Bridge

It was hot as hell, I'm not ashamed to say

I was prayin' with the rest of my crew.

With a roar loud enough to deafen the Devil,

In a head-long rush it came through...

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

When the door was opened by the skip and his team,

I don't know how long I'd been out.

With a sigh of relief he helped me down from the truck,

Left me standing on the black burned out ground.

 

With a cry of despair Skip climbed in the truck,

I span 'round, someone grabbed at my shirt.

The others in the truck were not moving at all,

I dropped to my knees in the dirt!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew

     At the time.

 

     If only we knew

     What he he was sending us to.

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

Hi, Kel.

 

I love how this story is told as if you were telling it over a beer or two recounting this event you lived through, and you have done it well, even tho it isn't a "happy" summer song.

 

The length of the song concerns me, though it would depend on what purpose you would be using the song for. To start with so many verses is a great thing because you can pick and choose your strongest lines if you decide to shorten it up, or if you decide to have radio cut of it and a long play version. Honestly, I think the song would be strengthened by shortening it.

 

I read on a previous comment you wrote you plan on using your current chorus as a pre-chorus and add a chorus so would like to see an updated version of this to see what you have done with it.

 

You kept your point of view throughout the song well, good rhyme scheme throughout, and good song form, and stresses seem to be in the right places.

 

While the song is not of a happy nature, not every song is, regardless of the season. I enjoyed the story line very much, and it was a great read.

 

Cheryl

[Lisa Gates]

Hi, all. I'm jumping into the challenges several weeks late but I'm here. I'm really burnt from trying the 50/90 challenge this summer so I'm going to post my "summer" one from there here (but it is a first draft) to start off and get used to how these challenges here work. Personally, I think the bridge is my first area of attack. Thanks!

 

Male vocal

 

"Summer Storm" © 2013 by Cheryl A. Hodgins

.

Verse 1:

A sultry look on an angel's face

On a hot, starry night in July

She flowed with a captivating grace

Others looked on with envious eyes

.

Verse 2:

Her fingers promised me to the moon

As we watched Haley's comet go by

We heard Cupid's heart play a tune

Aquarius shown high in the sky

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

.

Verse 3:

In the morning light we have coffee

Saying few words but saying a lot

When she talks she whispers so softly

We're both careful as to no forethought

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

.

Bridge:

We don't want this to end

This wasn't supposed to happen

We both have to go back

To the lives we used to have

We don't want to say goodbye

But this is to be our last night

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

Hi WAW,

welcome to the group. I'm off to work but what is 50/90 challenge?

Lisa

[writeandwrong]

Hi, Lisa. Thanks for the welcome. I will respond in a PM.

[Kel]

Hi WAW,

 

Nice of you to join our merry throng. Be sure to have your sense of humour out on display!

 

Kel

[writeandwrong]

I had really wanted to shelf this one until I came up with a melody and/or bridge but a challenge is a challenge so here is:

 

Summertime Breeze by Lisa M. Guzda

 

I love the cry of the seagulls

And the sound of the waves

Feel the sand between my toes

And thoughts of you on my brain

 

Meditate and find my peace

Centering my very soul

Feeling the constant wind

I am content, and feel whole

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

 

A certain smell of salty air

Puts a big smile upon my face

Letting me know I’m awfully close

To a very special place

 

The ocean begs and it pleads

Asking me to never leave

Who am I to disappoint

It’s my time for a reprieve

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

 

Hi, Lisa.

 

I really like a lot of things about this. You've got the rules down. Lovely chorus; nice rhyming, beautiful flow; leaves one with a nice summer feeling.

 

I'm trying not to read comments left beforehand. I started to with Kel's critique but would rather find out how closely the critiques match, etc.

 

One nit for this song: For the last two lines in the chorus, I feel it takes away from the rest of the song and being that it is in the chorus, it takes away more. This song is well written in that it can be taken metaphorically or not; however, the next to the last line in the chorus, I'd like to see that be a positive rather than a negative "don't" word., and for the last line, the "make believe" makes me stop and realize...oh this nice feeling isn't real...wake up and come back to reality, which isn't what I want to do. I want to stay in my ocean dream.

 

There are many, many things I love about this whole song though. The title is a great one that makes me want to hear the song, lots of nice ocean-y imagery. It all makes me feel like I am right there.

 

I hope what I have said has been helpful and makes sense. I would love to hear this with music!! Great job!!!

 

Cheryl

[writeandwrong]

Thanths, Kel. Motht of my thongs...aren't as umm...'sweet' as the summer one I just posted...unless there is some other type of context to it so...be prepared ;-) hehe

 

I think you commented on my "Some Other Day" lyric I posted back in May lol

[Kel]

Thanths, Kel. Motht of my thongs...aren't as umm...'sweet' as the summer one I just posted...unless there is some other type of context to it so...be prepared ;-) hehe

 

I think you commented on my "Some Other Day" lyric I posted back in May lol

I may have. Your name is familiar and I've seen some of the critiques you have offered too.

 

I hope it was helpful.

 

K

[writeandwrong]

My apologies, Kel. It must have been a different song you commented on...but anyway...here is "Some Other Day". A guy had a conversation with me about someone and this is what I got from it lol

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/30278-some-other-day/

[Lisa Gates]

Hi, Lisa.

 

I really like a lot of things about this. You've got the rules down. Lovely chorus; nice rhyming, beautiful flow; leaves one with a nice summer feeling.

 

I'm trying not to read comments left beforehand. I started to with Kel's critique but would rather find out how closely the critiques match, etc.

 

One nit for this song: For the last two lines in the chorus, I feel it takes away from the rest of the song and being that it is in the chorus, it takes away more. This song is well written in that it can be taken metaphorically or not; however, the next to the last line in the chorus, I'd like to see that be a positive rather than a negative "don't" word., and for the last line, the "make believe" makes me stop and realize...oh this nice feeling isn't real...wake up and come back to reality, which isn't what I want to do. I want to stay in my ocean dream.

 

There are many, many things I love about this whole song though. The title is a great one that makes me want to hear the song, lots of nice ocean-y imagery. It all makes me feel like I am right there.

 

I hope what I have said has been helpful and makes sense. I would love to hear this with music!! Great job!!!

 

Cheryl

Cheryl, great observation about the last two lines in the chorus. I can get carried away with the words I want to use in my rhyme scheme  so trying to make them make sense sometimes takes the back seat. I'll definitely look at it again. Maybe you've just helped finish the song! Awesome!

[Lisa Gates]

Hi, all. I'm jumping into the challenges several weeks late but I'm here. I'm really burnt from trying the 50/90 challenge this summer so I'm going to post my "summer" one from there here (but it is a first draft...was given the title and one hour to write it) to start off and get used to how these challenges here work. Personally, I think the bridge is my first area of attack. Thanks!

 

Male vocal

 

"Summer Storm" © 2013 by Cheryl A. Hodgins

.

Verse 1:

A sultry look on an angel's face

On a hot, starry night in July

She flowed with a captivating grace

Others looked on with envious eyes

.

Verse 2:

Her fingers promised me to the moon

As we watched Haley's comet go by

We heard Cupid's heart play a tune

Aquarius shown high in the sky

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

.

Verse 3:

In the morning light we have coffee

Saying few words but saying a lot

When she talks she whispers so softly

We're both careful as to no forethought

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

.

Bridge:

We don't want this to end

This wasn't supposed to happen

We both have to go back

To the lives we used to have

We don't want to say goodbye

But this is to be our last night

.

Chorus:

She had me that summer

Yearning with a hunger

I woke every morn

To her summer storm

A season passing

But we were smashing

Soon summer will end

Until then I wake

To her summer storm

Cheryl,

Do you have a melody for this? It's almost ready for one if you don't.

I have a few thoughts you can accept or ignore.

I was humming a tune in verse 1 almost immidiately. Very rythmic. Very visual.

One nit in V1: L3 if you take the word "a" out it still works and matches the syllable count in the other verses.

 

V2 is very different in that it seems like random thoughts. They don't quite mesh. As I was trying to sing it I noticed it was very wordy even though the syllable count was matching closely to V1

 

Don't laugh but while singing the chorus, I had heavy drum beats in my head. A total different momentum. It is very sexy in my opinion.

 

As for your bridge, I suggest one change to start and see where it leads you:

L2: Love wasn't supposed to happen or even: We didn't mean to fall in love

"this" seems weak to me. If you weren't talking about love than define the "this" is all I mean.

 

As I said before these are just my thoughts from reading your lovely song.

 

Welcome to the challenges!

Lisa

[writeandwrong]

Hi, LIsa.

 

There's a melody in my head I haven't taken the time to relay yet. We're still working on getting demos done for 13-14 songs from last year's material...so there's plenty of time to play around with the new stuff.

 

For verse 1 my focus was that this woman caught the singer's eye; for verse 2, the focus was to let the listener know the singer actually got involved with the woman to build up to the chorus. Maybe I need to be more obvious in saying it tho.

 

I'm thinking we must be hearing something similar for the chorus :-)

 

The bridge has bothered me from the start because it doesn't support or stand out like it needs to. Will definitely play around with verse 2 and the bridge and see where it goes.

 

Thanks for your kind words and critique. I appreciate it! :-)

 

Cheryl

[writeandwrong]

Well wrote this yesterday twiddled with it today, fun upbeat and about summer as per the brief .

 

I'm sure it will need a few tweaks though.

 

Hope you enjoy

 

I Love Summer

 

I love summer

Wished it stay

Beautiful sunshine

Everyday

 

Pretty girls in  

Summer clothes

Looking for love

Mmm Who knows

 

Down on the beach

Out on the town

Everyone smiling

Never a frown

 

The sun is high

The sky is blue

Not a thing

I’d rather do

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

 

She walked by

Gave a smile

Big n bright

Stretched a mile

 

I said hello

She said Hi to

Carried on talking

All summer through

 

Now summers over

We’ve parted ways

Summer romance

Our sunny days

 

All behind us

Until next year

We’ll be back

For summer cheer

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

 

Hi, Skin. I love how cut down and pithy your lines are, nothing wordy.

 

One area of your lyric I found seems to need a bit of work is in the chorus, you are saying: "Beautiful gi----rls like you". Your next line says, "She walked by" I think you need to stay focused on who your singer is singing these lyrics to.

 

Otherwise, I think you are getting your point across as to how much you enjoy summer ;-)

 

Cheryl