Challenge #16 - Big Fat Lie

[Kel]

Okay, third and final installment... forget the previous ones... this is delusion! (Or was that a delusion?)

 

Big Fat Lie

 

At high school I was nerdy in thick glasses

At college I found wire rims were fine

I couldn't make the football team

I couldn't cheer

I couldn't swim

And somehow I just bumbled through alone.

 

Those days are gone and now I have a girlfriend

A fancy car a nice apartment too

I never thought I'd have some-one

I never thought

I never hoped

And somehow I just found you in my arms...

 

What do they say when something

Seems too good to be true?

 

I might be living in a fantasy

A big fat lie

A foolish dream

It might be too good to be true...

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth

Is not a dream

It might be too good to be true...

 

I'm sorry if I'm distant, dear, believe me

I need to know this isn't some big hoax

I can't believe

I can't be sure

My friends all say that you're not even real!

 

What do they say when something

Seems too good to be true?

 

I might be living in a fantasy

A big fat lie

A foolish dream

It might be too good to be true...

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth

Is not a dream

It might be too good to be true...

 

We'll show them

It'll be all right

We'll laugh and dance all through the night

And in the morning they'll be wishing they were me...

 

I might be living in a fantasy

A big fat lie

A foolish dream

It might be too good to be true...

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth

Is not a dream

It might be too good to be true...

But I have you,

I have you.

[Lisa Gates]

Kel,

You’ve not convinced me of the delusion in your song. You hint at it but leave room for questions and I leaned toward the girlfriend in the song being real.

Examples of why I’m leaning toward her being real:

V2 & V3 are solid explanations of her existence.

V2: You are introducing her to the audience  = real

V3: You speak to her and your friends don’t THINK she’s real = real (IMO means your friends just might not have met her yet)

Pre-Chorus: I googled this….

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/too+good+to+be+true

“What they say when something is too good to be real”

What they say is: It Probably, usually, typically isn’t true (BUT it still could be…) ;-)

 

Chorus:

The words “might be” = not delusional because it also might be real

The saying “I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming” = If I’m not dreaming then it’s real?

 

Solutions/suggestions:

Changes in the chorus to make the delusion theme more prevalent:

I am living in a fantasy…

It is too good to be true…

It is a dream

Or make the bridge the definition of the delusion:

We’ll show them

It’ll be alright

We could be dancing in my dreams

In the morning the truth be told you’re just my (a) fantasy

 

Ok ok! You get my point. You have indirectly hinted at a delusion but not made it crystal clear to me.

 

Structure notes:

Title:

The title is snuck in the middle of the chorus and seems lost to me. Your repeating line and the one you end on is “... too good to be true” I would think about that as the title.

Verses:

I notice that V3 only has 5 lines. To match V1 and V2 structurally you need 6 lines so V3 3^rd line should have 8 syllables. It almost looks like it’s just missing?

Rhymes:

There are no stinking rhymes! But it still works great. That is one of your talents in this biz of songwriting is that the lines don’t have to rhyme to make the song work – kudos to you!

 

Kel, you know me well. When a melody comes to my head the song is close to being finished. As I first read these lyrics the toe tapping beat led me to the melody from the Zac Brown Band “Whatever It Is”

So regardless of the delusion not being clear to me, this is an almost finished song. I think that the plot just needs tweeking to fit the challenge of self-delusion.  I hope this has been helpful to you. As always this is just a critique from me and you can do with it what you’d like.

 

So do you know anyone who knows Zac Brown you can pitch this to?

[Rudi]

Title: Big Fat Lie.

Big fat title. Speaks loud and clear already. Emotive, emphatic and as clear as day. Fine title that says a lot about the song by providing context before you even hear it.

 

I’m confused as to the structure. The first two clusters of lines appear to be verses judging by the parity of line lengths.  I have reproduced the lines, numbered them and put syllable counts at the end of the lines.

 

V1

1  At high school I was nerdy in thick glasses 10

2  At college I found wire rims were fine 9

3  I couldn't make the football team 8

4  I couldn't cheer 4

5  I couldn't swim 4

6  And somehow I just bumbled through alone. 10

 

 

V2

1  Those days are gone and now I have a girlfriend 11

2  A fancy car a nice apartment too 9

3  I never thought I'd have some-one 7

4  I never thought 4

5  I never hoped 4

6  And somehow I just found you in my arms... 10

 

From here onward I am guessing:

This looks like a pre-chorus:

Pre-Chorus

1  What do they say when something 7

2  Seems too good to be true? 6

 

So logically this is a chorus. It has a different line structure and is organized into 8 lines.

 

Chorus

1  I might be living in a fantasy 10

2  A big fat lie 3

3  A foolish dream 3

4  It might be too good to be true... 8

5  I pinch my self before I sleep 8

6  To test the truth 4

7  Is not a dream 4 (what is this saying? Is it the 2^nd half of a statement begun at line 6?)

8  It might be too good to be true... 8

 

The next part is different to what has gone before also. I took it to be the bridge:

 

Bridge

1  I'm sorry if I'm distant, dear, believe me 11

2  I need to know this isn't some big hoax 10

3  I can't believe 4

4  I can't be sure 4

5  My friends all say that you're not even real! 10

 

Next is the Chorus repeated

Next up is yet another unique section of indeterminate function.

??

1  We'll show them 3

2  It'll be all right 5

3  We'll laugh and dance all through the night 8

4  And in the morning they'll be wishing they were me... 12

 

This is followed by the chorus once more. This time with 2 repeated extra lines.

 

So we have 2 verses instead of the required 3 and two sections which might function as bridges. It needs sorting out Kel.

 

Structure : Other:

No rhyming scheme. Why should there be? No problem.

I like the rhythmic device of the short verse lines 4 and 5. They sound like they should be sung staccato and have the potential for strong emphasis.

 

Subject

Everything is 1^st person perspective and a good choice for swaying the listener’s perspective. The verses set up the history.

 

The chorus is all about doubt, though it seems cheerful rather than fretful. It tells me that this is not a serious song.

 

The (perceived) bridge indicates some real concern about the lie.

Finally the ?? section finds reassurance in reaffirming the lie.

 

The theme of the song is almost a cartoon caricature of a nerd with a fantasy girlfriend. It’s larger than life and not remotely serious. Nor is it funny. It seems fanciful, maybe even whimsical?

 

I would hazard a guess that you are less than fully engaged with the subject Kel. I would ask you to consider what you are going for here. What are you trying to get across? Until you engage further your audience can’t either.

 

It comes as a surprise to me that this critique is coming out as harsh as it is. You are a skilled writer and have a strong sense of style and sensibility.

 

I know that a clever choice of musical style could silence all of my quibbles. You could make it sound poignant with an understated beautiful melody. You could make it funnier with a brash shouted bluesy treatment. All that is conjecture though. I only have your words to guide me.

 

Hooks:

I am leaving this to the end. Hooks of any kind are not jumping out of the song. An obvious one is the title. It could be a hook, though the placement of the line is not in an obviously prominent position.

Nevertheless, it has good hook potential. I also like the line ‘I can’t be sure’. I think that has potential as a hook, especially if it was repeated 2 or 3 times in succession.

[Kel]

Lisa & Rudi,

 

Isn't it apt that John assigned the two of you to critique my work.

 

I admit I had problems with this, mainly because I had so many ideas running through my head and I couldn't help myself into making them a little humourous, which I will attempt to correct.

 

You have both picked up that the third verse is missing a line, though Rudi you have mistaken it for a bridge I think. I'll have to check my original text and make sure I even had that verse right to start with. It is meant to be a third verse with 6 lines. I'll attend to that too.

 

Rudi, I'll see what I can do to make it more serious.

 

Lisa, unlike other lyrics I have read, I didn't delve into whether he is delusional or not on purpose. The challenge is about self delusion, and this guy is questioning his reality, which means he is aware he may be delusional, and he is constantly checking. To me, that still makes the song about self delusion, but in a different way to everyone else who has their subject living in or with delusion.

 

I thought never answering the unasked question about the reality of his girlfriend will allow the listener to make up their own mind. However, it if needs to be spelled out one way or another I will make a decision and answer the question.

 

If what I wanted didn't work, Lisa, your suggested line "I'm living in a fantasy" is great, thank you.

 

Rudi, you have not critiqued harshly. You have critiqued accurately from what was presented to you. I didn't mean to, but I have given you lot's of points to raise, and you have done so without ridicule, superiority or smugness. Well done on all counts.

 

Thanks both, I'll have another version out in due course.

 

Kel

[Kel]

Okay guys, thanks for your input. I've decided to change the story a little, and in doing so answer your concerns and technical misnomers.

 

In particular I wanted to remove any perception I haven't taken the challenge or the subject seriously. While I haven't spelt out this guy is delusional, he is questioning whether he is living a lie, and that gives us the thought that maybe the fancy car is a figment of his imagination or even if his "guest" in the final verse is even there.

 

Hopefully there aren't any more typos or missing lines to confuse as to the specified form of ABABCB. 

 

I have a question though, I have made statements at the end of each verse, I'm not sure if they shouldn't be questions... Why was I always sitting on my own? Why am I always driving on my own? Why am I sitting on my own, again?

 

Thanks again for your input.

 

Big Fat Lie

 

[VERSE 1]

High school was a living hell for me,

College never seemed to be

The party time it was for many others I could see.

I couldn't make the football team,

I couldn't cheer,

I couldn't swim,

And I was always sitting on my own.

 

　

[VERSE2]

Those sad days are long gone from my mind,

Fancy red Ferrari I like to drive

On windswept seaside roads to make me feel alive.

I never have the rag top up,

I never slow,

I never stop,

And I am always driving on my own.

 

　

[PRE-CHORUS]

What do they say when something

Seems too good to be true?

 

　

[CHORUS]

Am I living in a fantasy

A big fat lie,

A foolish dream,

It might really be, too good to be true.

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth is not a dream.

If it's really too good to be true,

Maybe it's the big fat lie it seems.

 

　

[VERSE3]

Here have a martini shaken not stirred

Made with a hint of lucidity absurd,

Lets walk together where the lines are clearly blurred.

Closer dear, you should see the view,

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm standing on my own.

 

　

[PRE-CHORUS]

What do they say when something

Seems too good to be true?

　

 

[CHORUS]

Am I living in a fantasy

A big fat lie

A foolish dream

It might really be, too good to be true.

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth is not a dream.

If it's really too good to be true,

Maybe it's the big fat lie it seems.

 

　

[bRIDGE - RADIO NEWS REPORT]

And in breaking news there's word just in that a man has climbed out on to the ledge of an aparment building.

He seems to be in some distress. We have a reporter on the scene, what's that he's saying, Lesley?

"Thanks Hank, it seems he's singing something to himself, he's just repeating it over and over again. I'll see if I can get the microphone close enough to make it out..."

　

[CHORUS]

 

Am I living in a fantasy

A big fat lie

A foolish dream

It might really be, too good to be true.

I pinch my self before I sleep

To test the truth is not a dream.

If it's really too good to be true,

Maybe it's the big fat lie it seems.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Kel

[Rudi]

Quick response only:

 

Yes. Yes.

I think I’m going to say it again…

 

Yes.

 

The radio report bridge is great. It’s nuts. I love it. It would be great played live. You could finish the song with a police megaphone “- Place the guitar on the ground and move away from it! Clasp your hands behind your head and stop singing!â€

 

"Isn't it apt that John assigned the two of you to critique my work."

 

Not really. It cost us $10 each.

[goldylocks]

 Kel, this my critique of your song Big Fat Lie, please except it as only my opinion and what I observe from your lyrics to try to help.

 

Title: After researching the title I find it's somewhat original, another title that's been used is That Was a Big Fat Lie by Doris Dayhttp://batlyrics.com/that_was_a_big_fat_lie-lyrics-doris_day.html  I think the title relates well to the theme of  your imaginary life style in the song

 

Verses: Your verses seem to be consistent, But I do find your verses lack visual appeal, you tell your story, instead of showing it. perhaps something like the suggestions in red. Keep or sweep, they are just suggestions to try to help.

 

 

VERSES

 

Those sad days are long gone from my mind,

Fancy car I like to drive/ perhaps I 've a red sports car I like to drive

On seaside roads that make feel alive./On windy seaside roads that I fly by

I never have the rag top up,

I never slow,

I never stop,

And I am always driving on my own.

 

Would you like another marguerita?/would you like a lime marquerita suggestion

I make it with a little dash  I make it with a fiery or flaming dash

Of something you don't really need to fear.

Come closer you should see the view,

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm sitting on my own.

 

Pre Chorus:

I think it works very well, it leads right into your Chorus.

 

Chorus:

Your chorus works well with the verses, it's the why of the song, it plainly spells out your delusion of living a big fat lie. .

 

Bridge: Your bridge really adds some life to the song, it kicks it up a high, gives it a clever twist. Only you would come up with something like that. Talk about taking the song in another direction, you took it out on a ledge!  Brilliant addition!!!.

 

 

Over all I tried honestly to tell you only my opinion of what I think of your song. I know you are a seasoned song writer, but I think you could make some small adjustments  to better it. Like more visual imagery to capture the listeners attention. Over all I liked the originality of the song, especially the bridge.

 

 

I wish you the best

 

 

Goldy          

 

 

.

 

Edited October 15, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Thanks Goldy 

[Rudi]

Kel,

Can I just concentrate on verse 3 for now. (The others verses are stronger than they were. )

 

Now I realise that this verse is to set for the revelation in the bridge.

But other than that is says little. It could do more perhaps to presage the bridge.

 

Goldy has given her views. Mine are different.

 

Red is suggesting a replacement word. Blue is a whole different option for the entire line.

 

Would you like another marguerita?  Can I ask you what your poison is dear

I make it with little dash hint of lime (superfluous?)  Or try mine with a little pinch of salt (an ingredient in margarita)

 

Re a ‘hint of’ instead of a ‘dash of’. You could always tip over into surreal by mixing reality with the metaphor. ‘A dash of truth’. Or perhaps ‘a reality chaser’  

 

And something you don't need to fear. (is it the ledge? Or what does it allude to?) Let us escape together you and I

 

Come closer you should see the view, (pretext? Close to the ledge)

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm sitting standing on my own.

 

Rudi

 

PS

I should have attended to this verse before. Sorry!

[Rudi]

I have a question though, I have made statements at the end of each verse, I'm not sure if they shouldn't be questions... Why was I always sitting on my own? Why am I always driving on my own? Why am I sitting on my own, again?

 

 

The rhetorical question is useful but has difficulties. It has to be sung a certain way to work (well). It has to sound like a question.

Honestly. I don't know if its better or not.

 

But I know that I like the way the last verse lines are now.

[Kel]

Thanks Rudi, you have given me some good input there.

 

I had another look and yes, the third verse needed something more, as you say...

 

[VERSE3]

Would you like another marguerita?

Made with a hint of rare lucidity

Lets walk together where the lines are clearly blurred.

Come closer you should see the view,

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm standing on my own.

 

Hopefully this shows this guy is deranged. I took your metaphor suggestion seriously (hint of rare lucidity) and engaged an old favourite: oxymoron, (clearly blurred) thinking it fits nicely with delusion. And as you can see, he is now standing... on the edge? Well... the bridge answers that.

 

Thanks again.

 

Kel

[Rudi]

V3

 

It reads almost chilling now. Certainly effective.

 

Ah, you changed the chorus too. Is that the 3rd time?

Originally you have 'It might be too good to be true...' at the end

 

'To test the truth is not a dream'. I get it, but only by thinking bout the whole song.

[Lisa Gates]

The rhetorical question is useful but has difficulties. It has to be sung a certain way to work (well). It has to sound like a question.

Honestly. I don't know if its better or not.

 

But I know that I like the way the last verse lines are now.

I totaly agree with Rudi on this. Well said.

[Lisa Gates]

Thanks Rudi, you have given me some good input there.

 

I had another look and yes, the third verse needed something more, as you say...

 

[VERSE3]

Would you like another marguerita?

Made with a hint of rare lucidity

Lets walk together where the lines are clearly blurred.

Come closer you should see the view,

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm standing on my own.

 

Hopefully this shows this guy is deranged. I took your metaphor suggestion seriously (hint of rare lucidity) and engaged an old favourite: oxymoron, (clearly blurred) thinking it fits nicely with delusion. And as you can see, he is now standing... on the edge? Well... the bridge answers that.

 

Thanks again.

 

Kel

Kel, Quick question in the new V3:

Why is the rhyme scheme different from V1 and V2? It seems like a mouthful is it to set up the bridge? I know a melody might support a bulid up but V3 doesn't go right into the bridge... V3's message still has to wait through a pre-chorus and chorus to get to the bridge. so are you really using it to set up the bridge?

 

I do like the metaphor and oxymorons you used very much. They really describe the delusion of this man/person.

 

Oh but I do love the bridge! I can hear the effect used in Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" when the sports caster is giving blow by blow plays of which base he is on! Awesome!!

Edited October 16, 2013 by lguzda

[Kel]

Hi Lisa, any comparison to Jim Steinman's work is humbling, truly. I admit, I never gave the rhyme scheme much thought at all; I was more interested in the chill factor. I've made a slight change now and it should be closer, though it might mean the vocalist will need to drawl Margarita somewhat.

 

Thanks again for your input.

 

Kel

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Lisa, any comparison to Jim Steinman's work is humbling, truly. I admit, I never gave the rhyme scheme much thought at all; I was more interested in the chill factor. I've made a slight change now and it should be closer, though it might mean the vocalist will need to drawl Margarita somewhat.

 

Thanks again for your input.

 

Kel

It's closer but it will have to be a heck of a drawl...I can do a good southern twang 

[Rudi]

It's closer but it will have to be a heck of a drawl...I can do a good southern twang 

 

I bet you do. Too bad you're the wrong sex to sing it

 

Kel.

Are you satisfied ? 

[Kel]

I bet you do. Too bad you're the wrong sex to sing it

 

Kel.

Are you satisfied ? 

 

[VERSE3]

Here have a martini shaken not stirred

Made with a hint of lucidity absurd,

Lets walk together where the lines are clearly blurred.

Closer dear, you should see the view,

Yes closer now,

Still closer come,

And once again I'm standing on my own.

 

Yes thanks Rudi, now I am.

 

Kel

[Lisa Gates]

me too! nice work Kel!

[goldylocks]

So much better now, that 3rd verse really shows delusion! I also like the red Ferrari and windswept seaside, it gives your song a visual picture.

 

 

Great Work!

 

 

Goldy